Went to a meeting today. I needed it! The discussion topic was unmanageability. The first step of AA:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable.
So the discussion revolved around how our lives had become unmanageable.
My life as an active alcoholic was definitely unmanageable, although at times I did not want to admit it. I had a job and was paying my bills. I had a boyfriend and was functioning through life.
But that little bit of control was soon lost as I continued to drink. I started having relationship problems and quit my job. I started drinking so much that doing simple things -- like writing out a grocery list or filling out a job application -- were almost impossible. My head was too foggy to think straight and my hands couldn't stop shaking.
One time in particular, the only way I could fill out a job application was by taking a few drinks first. But then because I filled out the application while drunk, I couldn't remember what I'd written on the application during the job interview.
My behavior is unmanageable when I drink. Once I take a drink, I will keep drinking until I get sick and pass out. I can't control it. I don't want to control it. At this point, I just want to stay away from it. I can't control what happens once I take a drink. But I CAN control what happens leading up to that point.
All of this time so far in my sobriety, I have been believing that I'm powerless over alcohol, but only once it hits my lips.
But recently I've been wondering if my life is still unmanageable. Even though I'm no longer drinking, I still feel powerless in my life. I feel that I am mis-managing my life. I don't know how to do this correctly.
A minor annoyance, I still have difficulty with the physical task of writing. Gripping a pen and forming legible scrawl takes so much more concentration than it used to before I started drinking. It's difficult to simply sign my own name. I hope it gets better eventually.
More upsetting, I'm starting to see how my drinking has affected my dog. I was drinking alot during his first year -- his most formative year. As a result, he did not receive the attention and training he needed from me.
Now he's two years old, weighs over 80 pounds (a healthy weight for his breed), and doesn't know how to behave. He dragged mom down the street today and tore her knee up on the hot asphalt.
That wouldn't have happened if I had been sober when he was younger. I feel terrible that he did not receive the training and discipline that he needed from me. We never really think about how our drinking affects our pets, but it does.
Today, I'm thankful for ...
- being 68 days sober
- AA
- carpal tunnel wrist braces
- my beloved William
- my patient family
- my sweet puppy, who loves me for some unknown reason
- God, who has a plan for all of this craziness
