"It will be different this time"

A video game was supposed to come out today. I've been looking forward to it for a few months now. Best Buy advertised a special sale on it, starting today. So I looked it up on the internet first to see if they had it. The website indicated that a store across town had the game in stock. So I drove all the way over there (borrowing my mom's cool car) ... and sure enough, they didn't actually have it.

This always happens whenever I try to get a video game on its opening day. It doesn't matter which game, or which store. The advertised "Sale Starts August 30" is never right. I've been through this ten times in the past year.

You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now.

But I thought it would be different this time.

Isn't that the Big Book's definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time?

Each time I drank, I knew deep down inside that "it will be different this time". I knew I'd be able to stop after a drink or two. But I never could! Even after two years of continually breaking "just one drink" promises, I still believed the "it will be different this time" lie.

Just today, a huge mega-craving hit when I left Best Buy. I was in an area where I used to purchase much of my alcohol. And I was stupidly alone. My two thoughts were:

• Nobody has to know about it.
• It will be different this time.

What a load of bull. But I was so close to believing it.

I'm so frustrated with myself. How could I have possibly entertained the notion again? Why am I so stupid? Will I ever learn?

It's like realistically entertaining the notion of plunging your hand into a boiling pot of water because you think that "it will be different this time, and it will feel good" regardless of the fact that your hand is nearly burned off from previous attempts.

There's simply nothing as frightening as losing your sanity -- even if it's only on occassion during cravings.

Will these mind-bending cravings ever end?

A Daily Reprieve

I came across this section of the Big Book today (on page 85):

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee -- Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

I'm so grateful for the Big Book. It explains things so simply.

• I cannot be "cured" from alcoholism
• I can experience a daily reprieve if I am spiritually fit
• I must seek God's will in all I do

Steps 1-3 in a nutshell.

Minor Miracle

I went to an AA meeting this morning and listened to two speakers. Regarding the job issue, I realized that I'm facing the following obstacles:

• pride
• self-centeredness
• fear of people
• fear of change
• fear of rejection
  

Note, "lack of job availability" isn't in the list. "Lack of education" isn't in the list. All of my obstacles are psychological, and nothing more.

So for the first time in months, I worked on my résumé. Best yet, I'm not upset or anxious about it. I never even felt uncomfortable. This has never happened for me, ever. Even before I started drinking alcoholically, my résumé scared the hell out of me. But it was all okay today.

I suppose the molehills that we turn into mountains can always be changed back into molehills.

I just need to remember all of this when it comes time to apply and interview. Everything in its time ... :)


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 142 days sober
• the nice people who read my blog
• my supportive boyfriend and family
• God, whose spiritual spectacles can put any blurred circumstance into focus

methods of venting

Spewing out rants is an efficient way to release frustration and feel better, although feel kind of embarassed later. This blog is my one emotional outlet, and I feel kind of guilty about that.

Maybe I should get another outlet (punching bag, dart board, etc).

What kinds of outlets do you have to vent your frustrations? Any ideas out there?

... and the steam releases

What's a person supposed to do when they have no ambition, goals, dreams, or purpose?

I'm totally stuck right now. People keep giving me job ideas. "Do you wanna do this? That? The other?" The answers are "No, no, no."

I have a bachelor's degree in business management. We learned tiny bits of accounting, economics, finance, business law, marketing, and business management, but not enough of any one topic to actually perform it in a job setting, so the degree is completely useless.

(Hey, what do you expect when U.S. universities require you to waste the first two years of your four-year degree with worthless off-topic classes in english, history, art, science, and other electives? How can people graduate from a university with the ability to perform jobs within their chosen fields when the time spent learning those chosen fields is cut in half with stupid electives that were already learned in high school? They aren't even four-year degrees at all. They're really just two-year degrees since the first two years are completely wasted in review of old material!)

Since my business degree is worthless, I could consider going into other fields.

Healthcare is a dramatically growing field with skyrocketing labor demand, but it's so depressing. I don't understand how anyone can emotionally handle it.

Teachers are the most underpaid/underappreciated people in the U.S., so education is not an option. Working with kids means getting sick all the time and watching numbskull parents traumatize innocent children through their shoddy parenting. I'm tired of witnessing that. It's depressing.

I'm not smart enough to do engineering or anything with computers, so that's not an option.

Nobody can earn a living as an artist or musician unless they miraculously hit stardom, so that's not an option.

I can't go into construction or any other trade. I have no idea how to do anything, and I'm probably not physically strong enough to do the work anyway.

Law (at least, in the U.S.) is nothing more than a maze of bureaucratic red tape designed to set murderers, rapists, and child molesters free to inflict even MORE harm on innocent people. I don't want any part in that.

Law enforcement is out. I don't have the personality for it. If you step on my foot in an elevator, I'll apologize to you for my foot being in your way. I'm a wuss.

Starting a home business is out. You at least need to have ambition for that. I have no ambition. Plus the odds of success are against you: your chances of surviving the first year are only around 20-30%. Of the businesses that survive the first year, only half will survive to five years. So yeah, that's not a viable option. Might as well win the lottery.

Jeez, what else is there?

I could always work in retail and get treated like the scum of the earth by management and customers alike. Oh, I tried that for ten years. It drove me to a nervous breakdown. I can't do that anymore.

These options seem less and less appealing each time I think about them.

But the alternative is living at home, freeloading off my parents while hating myself for being such a complete loser. That's what I'm doing now. It sucks. But it doesn't suck as bad as working in retail. Oh God anything but retail!

What are you supposed to do when all the options suck?

Meh, I know the answer to that: "If you can't change your circumstances, change yourself." But that just pisses me off even more. All I've been doing for the past ten years is trying to change myself.

It never, ever ends, does it?

Newsflash: Man wakes up with pants, $3500 missing

Just another reason to stay sober today:

After a night of heavy drinking, a New Jersey man woke up with his pants and $3500 missing.

[Full News Article Here]

Exactly why this story was in the news, I have no idea. But it's another reason to stay sober :) You can't get drunk if you don't drink.

revised revision ... err ... nevermind

I had a nice and poetic blog entry written, but after reading over it several times, I decided it was almost entirely rubbish.

The only lesson I learned from spilling my guts tonight is:

Apathy is a manifestation of denial.

Heh. Sometimes I must type for hours until my literary expression meets the obvious.

Other than that, I feel like a total worthless fraud of a human being with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It's been a bad day on the inside, and I really want to drink.


Today, I'm grateful for ...

• not drinking
  

Pole vaulting over mouse turds

The AA meeting the other day was about how we alcoholics seem to "make mountains out of mole hills" -- or as one of the ladies put it, "pole vault over mouse turds". I liked how she put that.

In the analogical scenario, a "normal" person would step over a mouse turd and continue on their way. But an alcoholic would freak out, make a huge deal over it, and with much pomp and drama, heroically pole vault over the turd as if it was a genuine obstacle. Then they would expect a trophy or medal afterward.

It's like trying to live life with a Rube Goldberg approach to everyday problem solving. (For those who don't remember, Rube Goldberg was a cartoonist who is most famous for his "Rube Goldberg machines", complex devices that performed the simplest of tasks in exceedingly complicated ways.)

Any simple problem easily solved by a "normal" person can just as easily become the next major life crisis of an alcoholic. Our natural response to small problems is to blow them out of proportion into unsolvable quandaries. And just when all hope seems lost, the craving hits: "I need a drink."

My résumé is a fine example. I can't even think about it without becoming extremely anxious. Within minutes, "I need a drink" hits hard. But that's the problem: it's just a résumé. It's not a life and death situation. It's not cancer. It's not bankruptcy. It's just a stupid piece of paper that means absolutely nothing, but I complicate it to the point of "needing" a drink. One minute I'm strong against the desire to drink. The next minute I'm overcome by a simple problem, hating myself, and desperately wanting to drink. This behavior is bafflingly stupid and annoying.

I wonder, why must every tiny problem in life seem so unsolvable? Is it because we're always subconsciously looking for an excuse to drink? Or is it just part of the "insanity" of alcoholism?

(Or am I the only alcoholic whose natural response to tiny problems is to over-complicate them?)

Whew. I think I over-complicated the entry.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 138 days sober
• the nice people who read my blog
  
• Aikido class. I never thought I could continue to get up after falling so many times and feeling so tired and hurt
  
• Advil (ibuprofen, pain reliever)
• my awesome and loving family
• my very sweet boyfriend
• my adorable, furry, slobbery collie, who loves me and greets me every day as if I was somebody important
• God, who helped me to relax today

Life without "Me, Myself, and I"

Selfishness and self-centeredness is a huge problem for alcoholics.

The thought came to me the other day: What would life be like if all first-person pronouns were removed from the English vocabulary? The words "I", "me", "my", "mine", and "myself" gone forever -- and along with them, the concept of personal individuality.

The concept of selfishness would be gone. Because our lives would revolve around others, our actions would be geared toward accomplishing "the greater good". The entire world would be a single-minded, compassionate community.

Then alcoholism wouldn't be a problem. Nobody would do anything that hurt themselves or others. All of our actions would be performed to favor others. There would be no "self".

It takes alot of imagination to consider the scenario. Probably more imagination than what I have.

But ...

God didn't make us that way. Each of us has a "self".

As much as I wish my "self" would disappear, it never will. Coming to peace with "self" is the only answer. It seems impossible. I feel like I am my own nemesis.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 137 days sober
• the nice people who stop by to read my blog
• my nice warm bed
• my awesome family, dog, & boyfriend
• a good dental visit (no cavities! yay!)
• the beautiful weather
• my car, and safe driving
• God, who keeps me on nervous edge just enough to feel heathily uncomfortable (therefore, still seeking/trying)

Little Miss Sunshine

I went to see Little Miss Sunshine today with my boyfriend. That was an awesome movie. I highly recommend it. The unique twists with each character truly make for an educational (and entertaining) experience.

The movie is about "the family trip from hell". Everything goes wrong. And each character has to cope with it in his or her own way.

So it's interesting from that standpoint, to watch from a third-person perspective, how these characters choose to cope with each event. Not to mention, the movie is overall quite funny and entertaining in addition to being insightful.

(Note: There is alot of profanity used throughout the movie, so if you're deeply offended by profanity, you might rather pass this one up.)


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 134 days sober
• safe driving. A head-on collision happened minutes ahead of me last night ...
• my reliable car, that gets me to meetings
• my sweet boyfriend
• my patient family
• my adorable dog
• AA
• the beautiful weather
• God, who gave us two beautiful cool days back-to-back in the middle of this roasting summer

News Article: Surviving the First Year

From the Portsmouth Herald, here is an article called "Realistic Recovery: Surviving 1st Year".

It seems to be a good article for people trying to make a change. The most important thing is finding a support group (like AA) and staying in touch, even when you don't want to.

My Itty Bitty Traffic Gratitude Lesson

A while back, I was able to experience a lesson in gratitude.

I was stuck in stop-and-go traffic on a cold and rainy day. I was wishing that I had more money so that I could have a cooler car. My car model was frequently used at rental businesses in the late 1990's. There was nothing cool about it. It might as well have had "Hertz" printed on the doors.

The body style was ugly and plain. I didn't like the color. It had no spoiler. The engine was weak. The tan interior was so ... "rental". Ugh, disgusting.

I wanted something sporty -- something with a more powerful engine that took off in a thrill of revved engine glory -- something with a spoiler, underbody kit, fog lights, tinted windows, and shiny black paint.

As I drove, I continued my silent rant about all the things I hated about my car.

Traffic came to a stop at another red light. It rained harder and I turned my heater on its warmest setting. It was so cold outside, and the rain was so heavy.

Then something hit me like a ton of bricks.

Right in front of me was a very old car. The paint was completely peeled off, and the engine was sputtering. Fog was accumulating on the inside of the windows, but the car's defrost wasn't working. The windshield wipers kept getting stuck in the cold, hard rain.

As we sat at the red light, the driver used a towel to wipe the fog from the inside of his windows -- he wiped just enough to give him good sight of the road.

But darn, his windshield wipers got stuck again. It looked like they were stuck for good. Perhaps something in the wiper motor was stripped? But it was raining so hard, those windshield wipers really needed to work.

Just when the light turned green, he hurriedly opened his door, got out in the freezing cold rain, and manually gave the wipers a good push-and-pull to get them working again. He removed his hand to see if the wiper motor had caught on yet. It hadn't. So he apologetically worked the wipers a few more times, desperately trying to get them working as the freezing rain drenched him to the core.

The lady driver behind me (in a brand new luxury car) scowled at the situation.

Finally, the wipers were working. They were very slow, but they were moving again. The light turned yellow. He quickly jumped back inside his car, the fog of his breath still visible inside his freezing cold vehicle, and he slowly took off through the intersection with his engine sputtering.

The light turned red for me, so I stopped there at the intersection and watched him drive off.

The lady behind me was furious that she had to sit through another red light. But I was grateful to be stopped for another few minutes.

There I was, in my nice warm car. My windshield wipers worked. My heater worked. My engine worked. Shoot, even my radio worked! My seats were comfortable and soft. I was surrounded with luxury.

Tears filled my eyes, and I was suddenly extremely grateful for the very thing I had been complaining about for the past fifteen minutes.

It's interesting how a bitter rant can easily convert into extreme gratitude. It's all in our perspective.

Notes and stuff

I've been taking notes in meetings for a while. Thought it would be interesting to journal them. They primarily consist of ideas that come to mind during beginner's discussion meetings, so they may not make sense to anyone else but me.

Acceptance has been a recurring theme lately. The AA booklet called "Acceptance" by Vincent P. Collins is an amazing read. You can read it online [here].

I picked up a couple of books after the meeting today -- "Twenty-Four Hours A Day" and "Came to Believe". "24 hours" seems like an awesome devotional. I like how it gives a meditation and a prayer for the day. That gives me something to concentrate on.

Man, I'm sleepy :)


Today, I'm especially grateful for:

• being SOBER
• AA meetings & members
• my tremendously supportive and understanding family
• my sweet, innocent dog -- who thinks I'm a great person
• my precious and generous boyfriend, who makes me feel special
• my functional car, which gets me to AA meetings safely
• God, who has His ideas ... and lets me experience them

Notes from today's meeting (Aug 15, 2006)

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems.
Acceptance is not necessarily agreement.
Escape is denying reality.
Acceptance is acknowledging reality.
Serenity is experienced when we accept our circumstances, good and bad.
I only have power over two things: (1) my attitude; and (2) my emotions.
When I feel disturbed, the problem is with me.
It is what it is, and it's all good.

Notes from yesterday's meeting (Aug 14, 2006)

Much of our self worth is based on what we do.
We always "go to any lengths" to get what we want.
Remember your primary purpose. (What is my primary purpose???)
Avail yourself to other people.
Any time you try to look good, you're heading into trouble.

Getting Back on Track ... Maybe :)

I haven't been going to as many meetings as usual lately, and that's not working too well for me.

So I'm trying to get things back on track. I went to two meetings today. I also socialized and helped clean up. Sounds simple, but gosh, it goes against what every nerve in my body wants.

I'm afraid of people. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that I won't be accepted. Or that I'll freeze up like an idiot and have nothing to say. But it kind of helps to know that many of the people I fear probably feel the same way.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 130 days sober
• being sober
• AA
• AA meetings
• AA members
• the Big Book
• my family & boyfriend, which support me in recovery
• my functioning car, that gets me to meetings
• God, who makes sobriety possible

Of Oddness and Flowers

I keep hearing in AA meetings, "the obsession to drink was lifted". That always baffled me when I first started the program, because drinking had been a constant obsession for a very long time.

Just the other day, I was marveling at the fact that I didn't want to drink after getting my feelings hurt in the "Disney Child" incident. Months ago, getting my feelings hurt would have given me the inspiration I needed to hit the liquor store. But drinking never even crossed my mind in this case.

So I got to thinking that maybe the obsession to drink had been lifted for me. But last night, something odd happened.

Just when I was trying to fall asleep last night, a craving hit hard from out of nowhere. I knew that drinking would ruin everything in my life, but within seconds I had convinced myself that everything was already ruined. I didn't want to fight it anymore. I wanted to get lost in that numbing, senseless world again and let the current world and all its troubles slip away. All I could think about was how much I wanted that vodka, and I could even taste it in my mind. I just wanted to escape.

I didn't have the will to fight it. But a memorized passage from page 43 of the Big Book popped into my head:

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

And I remembered that I am powerless over alcohol to the point of insanity, and that only God can help me. So I prayed until I fell asleep. Everything was fine this morning.

There was no reason for this to happen. Yesterday was a good day. I had lots of fun. I was happy. So I don't understand why the craving hit, or more importantly, why I didn't have the will to fight it. That scares me.


In lighter, happier news, my precious mother brought me beautiful flowers and an adorable card! How sweet of her! No offense to anyone out there, but I have the best mom in the world.

Here's a picture of the flowers & card:

Thanks, mom! :)



Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 129 days sober
• having the best mom in the world :)
• the program of AA, and the Big Book
  
• my loving family
• my adorable collie, who helps me to see what unconditional love is like
• my sweet boyfriend
• God, who got me through another craving sober
  

"God, as we understood Him"

Today's meeting was great. It was about a section on page 12 of the Big Book, where Bill tells about his reaction to discovering his newly-sober friend's newfound faith:

Despite the living example of my friend there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified. I didn't like the idea. I could go for such conceptions as Creative Intelligence, Universal Mind or Spirit of Nature but I resisted the thought of a Czar of the Heavens, however loving His sway might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way.

My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"

That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!

Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view.

I'm glad that AA doesn't require a belief in any particular faith. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Wow.

I'm still discovering my concept of God. It will change as I grow. But it seems to me that it's important to keep the "Three Pertinent Ideas" in mind while developing this concept of God. From page 60 of the Big Book:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

That "feels like" steps 1 and 2 in a nutshell. But these three ideas serve as a reminder to me that God plays a major role in my recovery. Going to meetings and talking to other alcoholics play a big role in recovery - but the most important element is spiritual growth. "Probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism." Page 43 of the Big Book reminds us:

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

... A Higher Power, as we define it for ourselves.

What a novel idea. And if it were not for the spiritual flexibility in the program of AA, just think of the millions of people who would have been turned away.


Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 127 days sober
• the awesome people who read my blog
• my loving family
• my sweet boyfriend
• my car still working
• the program of AA
• God, who lets me discover something new about Him
  

Me and my silly "Disney Child" faith

After watching a documentary about a story in the Bible, I was called a "Disney Child" for believing the Biblical account.

Why is it acceptable to trash the beliefs of mainstream religions?

These days it's cool to have your own opinion of God and truth. But if your own opinion happens to closely mirror the teachings of a mainstream religion, then that's apparently because you're too stupid to think for yourself.

At least, that's how the "Disney Child" jab made me feel.

I'm doing the best I can with what I have. There's alot about God that I don't know and don't understand. But what I believe in makes me feel closer to God, and I'm getting a little bit better every day. If that makes me a brainless "Disney Child", I guess I really shouldn't feel hurt. But it hurts anyway.

It's A Full Moon

Thanks to everyone who has been visiting and reading my blog. It's very nice of you to leave your encouragement and advice. It means alot to know that someone cares :)

Regarding the Effexor XR quit, I talked with my doctor, and he prescribed a lower dosage and a "plan" for weaning off of it. So to anyone out there who is taking this stuff -- if you want to stop, ask your doctor to help you.

It's a full moon tonight. I've always wondered if it's REALLY true that people act strangely during a full moon. I've heard stories from Emergency Room workers who say that they see stranger accidents and patients on full moons. I wonder why that is? And is there any truth to it, or is it just a myth? Hmmm ...

Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 125 days sober
• the nice and patient people who read my blog
• my amazingly supportive family and boyfriend
• my dog, who sets a beautiful example of innocence, gentleness, and acceptance
• my doctor, for helping me to stop taking Effexor XR
• God, who isn't worried about anything.

When Stopping Effexor XR

The following is a public service announcement regarding what happens when you stop taking Effexor XR (a popular anti-depressant medication):

Please don't take this stuff, no matter HOW depressed you feel. It only makes the depression worse over time, and when you try to stop taking the medicine, bad things happen.

If you stop cold turkey ...

Your head feels like it's receiving electric shocks every 30 seconds. Every time you move your head, your vision blacks out and you feel very dizzy for a few seconds. Your muscles twitch uncontrollably. You lose your appetite. You feel thirsty all the time. You feel sick to your stomach. Your head aches. You can't sleep. Your dreams will terrify you and seem disturbingly real. You feel exhausted. You get very emotional, and every little thing that happens makes you want to cry.

This is what I'm experiencing today, and I've only missed 2 doses.

So do not stop cold turkey. Talk with your doctor about "weaning" off the medicine. I knew not to stop cold turkey, but that false feeling of invincibility fooled me into thinking I wouldn't have a problem. So please don't be fooled: you can't quit Effexor XR without a doctor's help. Trying is really not worth the risk.

If you're considering taking an anti-depressant, don't take this one.

Thanks for reading. I feel the moral obligation to tell everyone I know to stay as far away from this stuff as possible.

the desire to escape

It's interesting how life works. I know that I have things to do. I'm just half a person right now, stuck somewhere between being a little kid and being a miserable failure of an adult.

I should be "out there" working a job and being successful so that my parents can be proud when relatives ask, "So what's your daughter up to?" As of now, "She's, uh, thinking about going to school ... maybe ... sort of ..." They could just say "She can't handle life and spends all her time at AA meetings," but the truth sounds too ugly to speak sometimes.

I feel stupid.

I'm so sick of working menial jobs in retail, where I'm always treated like everyone's pissing target. I can't handle the abuse anymore. Nobody will hire me for a "real job", because my 4-year degree doesn't mean jack shit since I don't have ten years "related experience". So screw that idea. (If I was God, rude hiring managers would have a special place in hell.)

Nothing is possible. It's all an idealistic mirage. It doesn't matter how hard you work. Success only happens for people who have it handed to them. It either falls from the sky and into your lap, or it doesn't. You either HAVE, or you have NOT.


Waaa. So I'll cry a few rivers and throw a fit. Nothing will ever change.

I have to change me. And that's scary. I'd rather escape.

a confusing entry

Today was a good day. I saw an excellent movie that I highly recommend to anyone, "Secondhand Lions". It's a very sweet and touching story with a good moral. They don't make movies this meaningful anymore.

It seems like today's movies suck royally. "Snakes on a Plane" is proof alone that Hollywood is hooked on crack. Some doped-up exec said, "I know -- let's give Samuel L Jackson a gun and put him on an airplane filled with snakes!" Then all the other doped-up execs agreed and spent millions of dollars making this stupid movie. Meanwhile there are kids living in poverty a few blocks away who go to bed hungry every night because mamma can't put together a few dollars a day to feed them. Maybe they'll get to see "Snakes on a Plane" when it hits the dollar theater in a few weeks. What will they learn? New curse words?

Then the religious zealot freaks in the Middle East are blowing each other up again, continuing their 3000-year bloodbath that will NEVER end no matter WHAT happens. And every stupid news station reacts as if it's breaking news. Hello? It's been 3000 years, and nothing has changed over there. It's like giving "breaking news" reports that the earth rotated again. As long as the earth spins, those idiots will blow themselves up. So what? It's their problem and they obviously ENJOY living that way, otherwise they would have stopped blowing themselves up years ago. Stay out of it.

This stupid world has gone to pot.

Well, it started out a good day. It ended in a rant ... how did this happen?

It's just frustrating to see the world in its current condition, and there's not a single thing that can be done to change it.

No wonder people drink.

La dee dah

I'll never understand the occasional desire to be miserable. Have you ever noticed times where you had the opportunity to be happy, but you refused to be? I don't understand it and can't really explain it.

I'm doing better today than yesterday. Still sober. Trying to get spiritually focused. The answer is there, in that personal relationship with God. It's so simple that it's almost too complicated to "uncomplicate" and finally understand. Or maybe I'm confused again :)

Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 121 days sober
• getting to a meeting on autopilot today
• my family and boyfriend hanging out together (and having fun)
• the nice weather -- getting much needed rain
• a daily reprieve
• my functional car
• air conditioning
• love
• God, for always being present and patient

The Reality: It's Possible, but ...

... it's possible, but not always convenient
... it's possible, but never, ever easy
... it's possible, but not always desirable at the time
... it's possible, only if you want it


Fear, anger, and self-hatred ruin everything.

An Affirmation: It is possible ...

... to stay sober today.
... to thank God for all of His little blessings that get me through the day.
... to make spiritual progress today.
... to smile, not because I "feel it", but because others need to see it.
... to cry, if necessary.
... to offer a word of encouragement to all I see.
... to offer a shoulder for those who need one.
... to volunteer myself wherever help is needed.
... to stop placing conditions on my serenity and happiness.
(ex: "If _____ happens, then everything will be okay.")
... to experience unconditional serenity and happiness today.

Whew! Speaking in meetings is ... hard

I was asked to speak during a discussion meeting. That always makes me so nervous.

It really isn't asking much to: (1) Have an opinion; (2) Find a way to put it into words; and (3) SAY the words without sounding like a complete idiot. Unless you're asking me. Then this simple process becomes a convoluted "OMG what am I gonna say?" panic.

"Fear of people" is a huge fear of mine. Speaking to a single person puts me on edge, so speaking to a group of 50 people puts me over the edge.

Then it's difficult to adequately express my thoughts. Period. All of my thoughts and emotions are caught up in a whirlwind of confusion, so I never know what I'm thinking or feeling anyway. The lights are on, but nobody's home.

Also, verbal communication is extremely difficult for me. It's much easier to express things in written form and almost impossible in verbal form.

This is why 10 times out of 10, you can approach me and ask how I'm doing and I'll smile and say "Wonderful!" even if I'm on the verge of tears. Lying ends the awkward verbal conversation much faster than telling the truth. But online, I'm always telling the truth. The is the one comfortable expressive outlet that I have.

I don't even remember completely what I said in the meeting today. But I remember the feeling. I hope it goes away over time.

Whew! I just had to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.


Today, I'm thankful for ...

• being 117 days sober
• the patience and kindness of the people who read my blog
• the program of AA
• the PEOPLE of AA -- you are awesome!
• my loving family, boyfriend, & puppy
• that my brother got a new, better job, and is happy
• that my dad's illness is gone
• God's patience and tolerance for people as screwed up as I am

Gibson faces Hollywood Backlash, Crucifixion

I've found the recent story concerning Mel Gibson's DUI arrest quite interesting ... and sad.

Set of Articles:

[Report Sent to Prosecutors]

[Gibson's Full Statement]

[Gibson Enters Rehab]

[Deputy on Gibson: Just 'booze talking']

[Gibson may face Hollywood backlash]

Man, when we alcoholics faced the consequences of our actions, they weren't as devastating as this. A few friends, coworkers, or family members would find out. But not the entire world.

Everybody knows that words blurted out during an alcohol-induced blackout are harmless and meaningless. But everyone is holding him to his words as if he said them while sane -- even people who have done similar or worse things themselves.

Hollywood's hypocritical reaction makes me angry. As someone commented on FARK, "If he had just drugged and raped a 13-year old girl or married his ex's daughter like a normal Hollywood director he'd be fine."

This is painful to see.