Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Whew! Speaking in meetings is ... hard

I was asked to speak during a discussion meeting. That always makes me so nervous.

It really isn't asking much to: (1) Have an opinion; (2) Find a way to put it into words; and (3) SAY the words without sounding like a complete idiot. Unless you're asking me. Then this simple process becomes a convoluted "OMG what am I gonna say?" panic.

"Fear of people" is a huge fear of mine. Speaking to a single person puts me on edge, so speaking to a group of 50 people puts me over the edge.

Then it's difficult to adequately express my thoughts. Period. All of my thoughts and emotions are caught up in a whirlwind of confusion, so I never know what I'm thinking or feeling anyway. The lights are on, but nobody's home.

Also, verbal communication is extremely difficult for me. It's much easier to express things in written form and almost impossible in verbal form.

This is why 10 times out of 10, you can approach me and ask how I'm doing and I'll smile and say "Wonderful!" even if I'm on the verge of tears. Lying ends the awkward verbal conversation much faster than telling the truth. But online, I'm always telling the truth. The is the one comfortable expressive outlet that I have.

I don't even remember completely what I said in the meeting today. But I remember the feeling. I hope it goes away over time.

Whew! I just had to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.


Today, I'm thankful for ...

  • being 117 days sober
  • the patience and kindness of the people who read my blog
  • the program of AA
  • the PEOPLE of AA -- you are awesome!
  • my loving family, boyfriend, & puppy
  • that my brother got a new, better job, and is happy
  • that my dad's illness is gone
  • God's patience and tolerance for people as screwed up as I am

6 comments:

George said...

I just stumbled across your blog by hitting the next blog button.

I just want to say congratulations and keep working hard.

lash505 said...

Awesome, When I first spoke I don't know what the fuck I said and they gaveled me out. lol

dAAve said...

It's just something new and different. Like everything else, it'll get easier. Hang in there and keep sharing. You never know who you might help.

Shannon said...

hey- we all feel like at first when we share... and sometimes I still do... stupid fear. I have learned that its ok, and sometimes I just wont make sense, but its for me to get 'it' out somtimes
keep doing what you are doing

OH and BY THE WAY you are not as screwed up as you think you are :)

Khakra said...

i "hear" ya! We're all good speakers. Those who want to hear, will hear. You don't have to speak to everyone. Like your blog. Those who want to read it, read it everyday. Those who don't, don't come back.

Gwen said...

They told me that's God shakin the truth outa ya. I could live with that.

G~