Sober since April 6, 2006


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

"It will be different this time"

A video game was supposed to come out today. I've been looking forward to it for a few months now. Best Buy advertised a special sale on it, starting today. So I looked it up on the internet first to see if they had it. The website indicated that a store across town had the game in stock. So I drove all the way over there (borrowing my mom's cool car) ... and sure enough, they didn't actually have it.

This always happens whenever I try to get a video game on its opening day. It doesn't matter which game, or which store. The advertised "Sale Starts August 30" is never right. I've been through this ten times in the past year.

You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now.

But I thought it would be different this time.

Isn't that the Big Book's definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time?

Each time I drank, I knew deep down inside that "it will be different this time". I knew I'd be able to stop after a drink or two. But I never could! Even after two years of continually breaking "just one drink" promises, I still believed the "it will be different this time" lie.

Just today, a huge mega-craving hit when I left Best Buy. I was in an area where I used to purchase much of my alcohol. And I was stupidly alone. My two thoughts were:

  • Nobody has to know about it.
  • It will be different this time.

What a load of bull. But I was so close to believing it.

I'm so frustrated with myself. How could I have possibly entertained the notion again? Why am I so stupid? Will I ever learn?

It's like realistically entertaining the notion of plunging your hand into a boiling pot of water because you think that "it will be different this time, and it will feel good" regardless of the fact that your hand is nearly burned off from previous attempts.

There's simply nothing as frightening as losing your sanity -- even if it's only on occassion during cravings.

Will these mind-bending cravings ever end?


Anonymous said...

Actually thats not the big books definition of insanity.The definition Bill uses is in the first 2 paragraphs on page 37 :-P Hey you got to drive your moms cool car anyway.See ya!

Mark W. said...

You are not alone...

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." pg. 24

Then - on pg. 25 - the solution...

"We had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help."

SCoUt said...

We are addicts/alcoholics and it is totally natural for us to think about using from time to time. Yes, the obsession part will leave you for sure. But since it was one of your coping mechanisms, the small thought or desire may return from time to time for quite some time -- maybe even throughout your lifetime! All it has to mean is a signal that you are feeling something -- it doesn't have to have any other meaning. It doesn't mean you HAVE to use/drink simply because you had an urge.....I used to think an urge to use meant I was then compelled to follow through with that urge! How THAT for insanity?
And, man, can I relate to the "thinking it will be different this time." I constantly relapsed, thinking, "I'll just use once or twice." OR, "I just wasn't doing it right. Somehow I need to be more careful and I won't pick up a habit this time!" I have come to learn that what my disease wants me to think.
Work Step 1-3 when these thoughts come to you and you'll be amazed what you learn!
I can see you growing!!!!!
Happy 147!
P.S. Remember that true surrender means we don't have to fight any more. You never have to use again--just for today!

tkdjunkie said...

Thanks for the insight, guys! I'm feeling better about it now. Sometimes sobriety seems like rocket science, and sometimes, it seems so simple.

You're awesome -- Thanks again :)

Gwen said...

It is pretty normal for the alkie to think of a drink. The fact that you know it is bull is what is great! The cravings get less and they still happen to me after 15yrs. On occasion I will see a commercial and my mouth waters ;)

Sober Chick said...

Oh yes, "cunning, baffling and powerful." The Dz, our thought process will do what it will need to do to bring us back to that miserable state.

My sponsor tells me "the only thing keeping me from a drink is a think." And there it is. Working the 12 steps will remove the obsession, and so much more.

Great post, I am happy to hear you are still trudjing along day by day.