stuck with me

Sometimes, I want to withdraw from everything and everyone. Sometimes, I want to draw closer to them.

I always want the opposite of my situation. If I'm surrounded by awesome people, I want to be alone. If I'm alone, I don't want to be alone.

I couldn't wait for my favorite meeting tonight. But once I got there, I wanted to leave. I couldn't wait to be alone. So instead of hanging out after the meeting, I withdrew. Now that I'm alone, I don't want to be alone anymore ... and I'm frustrated with myself for being so fickle.

Is it because I'm uncomfortable with others, or is it because I'm uncomfortable with myself? Wherever I go, there I am -- totally out of place and inadequate. I have always considered that to be a part of "social anxiety" or "shyness", but the same feelings are there even when I'm alone. So there's something else I can't blame on anything but myself.

I'm in the middle of a fourth step, and right now I feel like the scum of the earth. I seriously don't like "me". I can get rid of others and be as alone as I want, but I'm still stuck with me.

in the shadow on the moon

Today was a great day. It's been a great week. I feel happy.

I was driving home tonight after a meeting and a "meeting-after-the-meeting" at a coffee shop. I looked up and saw the moon. It looked beautiful.

Only about 25% of it was visible. The rest was in shadow.

And for some reason, the shadow caught my attention more than anything else. I wanted to be there, in the shadow.

I don't understand why.

so much to be grateful for

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being sober for almost 10 and 1/2 months ... wow :)
  
• not having to fight anything or anyone
• not having to run away from anything or anyone
  
• having my very first amazingly awesome and special Valentine's day
• a Valentine's teddy bear that I can clutch when I'd rather be holding someone else
  
• Valentine's candy. I got too much of it ... but maaaaan it's been good!
• the wonderful people in AA. We're a group who would not ordinarily mix ... thank God we do!
• discovering new Tuesday and Thursday night meetings
• getting to support a friend at his wedding Saturday
• my family still loves me
• making progress on my fourth step, and not getting upset over anything. It's usually very easy to see where I went wrong
• feeling less fear about the future
• things going better at work
  
• having people I can talk to every day, openly and honestly without fear of misunderstanding or judgment
• ice packs and advil. One of my old neck injuries woke me up this morning, and today has been very painful. To make things worse, the ice pack burned my skin and left blisters behind. But at least I can breathe without pain now.
  
• my car is on the verge of hitting the 100,000-mile mark. I'm so impressed! Never thought it would make it this far.
• I have a job to get up for EARLY in the morning
• God, because He heard me today
  

tall enough?

The light bulb over my head finally turned on: Sometimes talking about this stuff works better than blogging about it.

That little discovery seems obvious to most people ... but I've never been able to talk to anyone about anything before. I can write about almost anything, but talking about it has always been (and still is) very difficult. There must be a disconnect between my brain and my mouth, because I can type much easier than I can speak.

So after talking about this, I'm feeling much better now. The discomfort yesterday was caused by something I didn't even blog about anyway.

Yesterday I felt "left out" because I wasn't included in something. It brought back the same feelings I had as a kid at the theme park. In front of the roller coasters, they have the sign that says "You must be at least this tall to ride". I remember my big brother standing next to the sign and being tall enough to ride. But I'd stand next to it, and I wouldn't be tall enough. So I'd have to watch him go on the ride and have all the fun. That sucked.

Well I felt like that yesterday. I felt inadequate. I wondered if I might have been included if I was better, cooler, or otherwise "not such a dumbass". That's a great way to ruin a day. And I ruined it quite sufficiently. (Not getting any sleep the night before and forgetting to eat all day didn't help either. I need to learn how to eat and sleep ...)

How often do we waste time and energy worrying about that kind of stuff? Fears of inadequacy are sometimes the most devastating fears. They take away what little confidence we have and replace it with self-contempt and downright self-hatred. I've got enough of that ... I don't need any more.

It's interesting how little things like this can have so much power over us. And for some unknown reason, I have this bizarre willingness to give it all the power it needs to ruin almost everything.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• staying sober
• spending time with that guy who likes me for reasons I'll never understand
• finding out I can talk about things that bother me ... it's not easy, but it's possible
• my family & my dog
• nice warm pajamas
• a job to get up for in the morning
• my car still works (woohoo!)
• starting a new art/craft project ... I got all the stuff, now I just need time
• God. He's laughing at me right now, but that's okay.

gratitude

Today, I'm grateful for ...

• not drinking today
  
• not starting smoking today (Yeah, I was tempted to buy my first pack of cigarettes ... pretty stupid, eh? Everyone else wants to quit but can't do it ...)
• not sleeping all day to avoid unpleasant feelings (was tempted to do that too)
  
• AA buddies who called and text messaged with me today
• online AA buddies who stop by and drop a line
  
• my family, and going out with my mom for dinner
• my dog ... he still loves me ... he still wants to be with me, and I don't understand why
  
• my car ... it took me all over the place today. I love to be on the road going somewhere -- anywhere.
• I didn't get lost in downtown today ... I usually get lost
  
• that I can go to a shopping mall without feeling the need to buy anything. I haven't always been able to do that ...
  
• warm, fuzzy pajamas to wear in my warm, soft bed
• my job ... so many people want one but can't get one
• feeling so exhausted that no amount of projection/worry in the WORLD can keep me awake all night again
• God. I didn't feel Him today, but I know He was there.
  

can't sleep ... too busy projecting

For the past two months, I've been blessed with having a special guy in my life. I found out today there's a good chance that his job will be relocating him to another city.

Thanks to this program, my first impulse is to trust God. I know that He has my life and my guy's life all planned out according to what's best for each of us. I'm extremely grateful that our lives happened to intersect for the past couple of months. That's been a huge blessing to us both.

Thanks to my alcoholism, my second impulse is to project stuff that hasn't happened yet and get upset over it. If he relocates, that would be a great career move for him. But he would most likely meet someone else who's better for him than I am. So that means I'd lose him, and I don't like that idea. At what point does loving someone mean holding on or letting go?

Nevermind the fact that none of this has even happened yet -- and may never happen, the drama is already playing and replaying in my head. The projection started a few hours ago, and oh boy -- it's obviously having a field day with me.

I'm powerless over God's will -- whether I fight it tooth and nail or peacefully submit to it -- whatever happens will happen. If I want to live a sober life, I must submit, accept, and do the next right thing ... but it has to actually happen first.

The projection is one issue -- but the self-centered fear is another. It bothers me that I'm more concerned about my loss than his benefit. That isn't love ... that's selfishness. So now I feel guilty for wishing he could stay. But if I truly had no opinion regarding whether he stays or leaves, that would mean I don't have feelings for him at all. So by simply preferring one of the two possible outcomes, does that mean I'm being selfish?

See? This projection stuff is bad ... it doesn't stop ... ever ... I'm at least going to stop typing now :)

desire to know God

From 24 Hours A Day, meditation for February 6:

"God finds, amid the crowd, a few people who follow Him, just to be near Him, just to dwell in His presence. A longing in the Eternal Heart my be satisfied by these few people. I will let God know that I seek just to dwell in His presence, to be near Him, not so much for teaching or a message, as just for Him. It may be that the longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart.

"I pray that I may have a listening ear, so that God may speak to me. I pray that I may have a waiting heart, so that God may come to me."

Reading that yesterday made me stop and think ... Yes, I pray every day. But how much of it is out of selfish motives? Do I really want to share a spiritually intimate relationship with God, or am I just praying out of "duty"?

Lately, it's just been out of duty. I've prayed because it was the right thing to do -- not because I was interested in building a relationship with God. It's been more like a business transaction than anything else.

I didn't notice that until now. Interesting stuff.

conditional happiness in cubicle world

Work is becoming increasingly hectic, so they had us come in this morning to work half a day. Yeah, I wanted to gripe and grumble, but I've worked most of my life in retail where I had to work morning and evening shifts on both Saturdays and Sundays every weekend ... so working 8-12 on a Saturday morning really isn't that bad in comparison.

But one of my favorite meetings is Saturday morning at 10am. As I watched the clock hit 9:15, the idea came to mind that I could bail out of work and go to the meeting. But after looking at the amount of work there was to do, I decided I'd put that decision off until I got more work done. The meeting was only a ten minute drive away.

When the clock hit 9:40, I really wanted to bail out of work and hit the meeting. At 9:50, I was overcome with that frantic newcomer feeling of "needing" a meeting (but that was just my alcoholic thinking kicking in: If I want something badly enough, I need it). I missed the people at that meeting and I really wanted to see them. And I knew that if I rushed out the door quickly enough I could make it in time.

But was it really all that crucial? The day before, I promised my boss and coworkers I'd work 8-12. My coworkers certainly weren't leaving -- they were working hard. I knew I'd feel guilty if I left early.

So I decided to stay at work. And I was pissed. I didn't want to be there. I really didn't want to be there.

"If only I could go to the meeting, then I'd be happy ... " But no, not really.

Then I realized I was placing conditions on my happiness:

"IF this happens, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF I get that, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF they do this, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF only I could do/be/become that, THEN I'll be happy."

Conditional happiness is never good. It requires an initial state of dissatisfaction: I won't be happy until I get what I want.

One problem with that kind of thinking is that it's cyclical. As soon as one demand is reached, another is generated, so I still won't be happy. Instead I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. Then I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. So I'll end up never being happy.

Looking for happiness is like conducting a solo but desperate search over hundreds of square miles of dangerous terrain to find my lost shoes -- while entirely oblivious to the fact that I'm already wearing them. Happiness doesn't need to be chased. It doesn't have to be acquired or purchased. It doesn't have to depend on the actions of other people or on the outcome of situations. It's always there in any circumstance -- I just have to be willing to recognize it.

Until I learn to be happy today, where I am, with what I have, with things being as they are, with people being who they are, I will never be happy.

Sometimes it's easy to experience contentment in any situation. Sometimes it's not so easy. But today I managed to be happy at work, albeit after a rough start -- but still, I'm grateful for that today. I'll make that meeting next week.

just when i got ready ...

The weatherman said yesterday that we would be getting snow/ice/wintery mix today, and he was right. Woke up this morning and it was snowing.

In most parts of the country, that's not a big deal. But here? It's a big deal. They cancelled school and many businesses shut down (except for the company I work for ... it never shuts down).

The local news weathermen are gloating -- because for the first time in their lives, they have managed to forecast the weather correctly.

While trying to decide whether to brave the crazy streets and go to work this morning, I glanced at a traffic report on a local news site. Accident reports were multiplying. People around here can't drive in the snow.

We're a bunch of instant idiots -- just add snow. I figured I could drive okay, but that doesn't matter if some guy named "Bubba" loses control of his pickup truck and totals my car.

So I decided I'd wait around the house until the roads clear.

A few hours later, it stopped snowing. The road in front of my house was clear. No ice or snow anywhere in the road. So I started getting ready to go to work.

Just as I got ready to leave -- boots, jeans, sweater, jacket, coat, scarf, gloves, hat, purse, cell phone -- I looked out the front door to see this:




It was really coming down. Hrm, so much for the road being clear.

But was it really undrivable? Really? A walk out to the street revealed few inches of slush and ice. I was pretty confident I could drive in it, but the thought of crazy Bubba in his out-of-control pickup sent me back inside.

According to the latest traffic report, 10 new accidents have just been reported in the last five minutes. (See? I told you nobody here can drive in the snow!) (Post script: 20 minutes after I wrote this, there were an additional 30 more accidents ... yeah ...)

The rest of the forecast today is 2-4 inches of snow followed by 2 inches of ice/freezing rain. Looks like I won't be going anywhere today.

It's hard not to worry about work and the hell I'll be facing when I finally get back there. Oh well.

In the mean time, I can work on my fourth step and try to chill out a bit. Pun intended.

I'll close with a picture of my dog running through the snow. He's never seen snow before ... he loves it :)

new difficulty: living sober without desperation

It's easy to go to meetings and do whatever it takes to stay sober when I have a certain amount of desperation motivating me. Staying sober in the beginning was a constant battle that I was terrified to lose.

But now, there is no battle. There are no cravings. The desperation that kept me doing all the right things is gone.

I didn't want to go to a meeting tonight. I'm tired. I didn't go last night or the night before. I was tired then too. Energy was not a factor of influence when I was desperate. Meetings take up increasingly more energy than they used to.

At most meetings in my area, you're expected to arrive with sufficient pretentious fakery to appear as if you're a poster child of AA. At a typical meeting, there are usually anywhere from 50-100 people, and each one of them maniacally insists on hugging me. (I hate it when complete strangers insist on hugging me ... it makes me want to physically harm them.)

They stand around talking while shot up with caffeine, wearing plastic smiles plastered onto their faces, sporting their newest preppy clothes, and pretending to be happy social butterflies -- usually because their sponsor is watching them from across the room.

Well that's good for them, but it makes me uncomfortable. It gives me the impression that I can't be honest there because the whole thing is fake. I don't have the energy to deal with it right now.

I'm grateful that my homegroup is open and honest -- I just wish it met more often than two nights a week. It's okay if I don't arrive freakishly happy. I don't have to be dressed like an Ann Taylor model. I don't have to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. I don't have to socialize with putridly happy fake people. Instead, I can be real because my homegroup members are real.

In the past, I was willing to put up with things I didn't like because I was desperate to stay sober -- even if it meant playing someone else's game to fit in at a meeting. But now staying sober is normal. Every sober day is no longer a miracle. It's just another normal day. I no longer ask God to keep me sober, because that's not a problem anymore ... but I usually remember to thank Him for it.

I guess this is just some kind of strange transition that I never expected to make. I never thought that my 24/7 daily obsession with alcohol would just go away. Where did it go? Why? It feels strangely unnatural ... as if I've lost my shadow.

Does this mean I can drink now? Sure -- I can drink alcohol almost as safely as I can drink cyanide. Either one will kill me. I'm just baffled as to why the obsession is gone ... and the desperation too. You'd think I'd be happy to get rid of the desperation, but I'm kind of scared not to have it.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 298 days sober
• the awesome people in my homegroup
• my family
• fourth step work
• having people in my life that I can talk to
• having a job that worked me 50 hours last week and wants me back earrrrly tomorrow morning
• text messaging on my cell phone
• my dog
• my nice soft bed ... getting sleepy
• God, because I can fall asleep without worrying about anything

early adventures in step four

My sponsor had me start working on the 4th step this week. She told me to start by listing all the times that people made me mad or hurt my feelings -- in the typical columnar format presented in the Big Book (their name, what they did, how it affected me) plus the extra column for indicating "my role".

Here's a good tip for anyone starting a 4th step -- I learned this the hard way: I had this bright idea to work on my 4th step during my lunch hour at work. I normally go out to my car over my lunch break, so why not be dedicated and work on my 4th step while I'm out there? Monday went okay. But on Tuesday, man oh man, I got all emotional over one item and didn't want to go back into work! So lesson learned there: no more lunch break 4th step work. Looks like it's best to do this when there is time to chill out afterwards.

Other than that, I'm just having a hard time remembering times that people angered or hurt me. I've always gotten over those things by either blaming myself for causing/contributing or deciding the other person was too sick to realize what they did -- then I'd blame myself for feeling angry or hurt toward a sick person in the first place. That was usually done out of an arrogant victim mentality. I also got over some of them by intentionally blocking them out of memory -- because after only two pages of writing, I'm stumped.

I'm keeping a little notebook with me to jot down anything that comes to mind. They seem to trickle in one at a time during odd moments, like when watching TV at my boyfriend's mom's house after dinner last night. It's not upsetting to remember them -- it's all water under the bridge. But it's strange that I can't remember it all at once.



Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 290 days sober
• having a sponsor
• having stepwork to do
• having people in the program to talk to
• a very sweet and generous guy who shares his time with me
• a family that loves me
• a dog that lets me cuddle with him when he's sleepy
• a fixed car that will start in the morning
• a job to get up for in a few short hours
• God, because He has all of this mapped out somehow

looking back ...

Here's the Daily Reflection for 1/18:

WOULD A DRINK HELP?

"By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 23

When I was still drinking, I couldn't respond to any of life's situations the way other, more healthy, people could. The smallest incident triggered a state of mind that believed I had to have a drink to numb my feelings. But the numbing did not improve the situation, so I sought further escape in the bottle. Today I must be aware of my alcoholism. I cannot afford to believe that I have gained control of my drinking -- or again I will think I have gained control of my life. Such a feeling of control is fatal to my recovery.

I read that Daily Reflection this morning and it brought back so many memories. I remember when the smallest little upset would trigger desperate desire to drink -- and that need to drink was as real and as urgent as the need to breathe.

If I didn't get my way, I needed a drink. If I felt left out, I needed a drink. If I was stressed out, I needed a drink. If I felt guilty, I needed a drink. If I felt drunk, I needed a drink. If I didn't feel drunk, I needed a drink. If I woke up alive and breathing that morning, I needed a drink.

If no alcohol was around, panic would set in. The desperate panic would grow increasingly worse until I finally took a drink. I simply could not function without alcohol.

Today, I'm grateful that I no longer need a drink. I don't need one for the small stuff OR for the big stuff. I can experience life and all the stuff it throws at me without even thinking of a drink.

What a miracle.

it's gettin cold!

So last weekend I was riding on a Harley for the first time in beautiful 70-degree weather (that's about 21 degrees C). Beautiful weather! It's been like that all winter long. But tonight it's supposed to get icy and could possibly snow.

It's funny how things can change so quickly. Not only with the weather, but with my attitudes and outlook.

Some days start out great but end messy because I allow people and circumstances to dictate my emotions. Other days feel great -- regardless of what happens. It all depends on spiritual condition.

The hardest thing for me is learning how to "restart" a bad day. I hear people talk about that in meetings all the time as if it's no big deal. "Who wants to be miserable?" they say. Well ... sometimes I do.

Sometimes I feel entitled to misery: I either deserve to feel bad for something I did wrong, or I have a right to be angry for something someone else did wrong. And in certain conditions, I don't want to let go of it. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be happy or "restart" my day. Then I get trapped in nonsensical determination to stay miserable.

Why? I really don't get it. Most people have a genuine desire to be happy. I don't understand why I experience times in which I seem to have a genuine desire to be miserable. I dunno if that's because I'm a total freak or what.

The past few weeks have been really hard at work. It's difficult to keep perspective. It's difficult to stay positive in an environment that has dramatically turned negative. That's been the bulk of my difficulties lately.

But I'm glad for this program, and especially for one of my favorite slogans -- "Do the next right thing." Regardless of how I feel, I can always keep doing the next right thing. Whether that means calling my sponsor or another alcoholic, saying a prayer, working on a step, helping out at a meeting, praying for someone who hurt me, whatever. I can do that. It's all I can do. It's keeping me sober so far.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 286 days sober
• the amazing people in this program. God speaks to me through you
• my awesome family. They have been patient with me
• my adorable dog. He just wants to play, and play, and play ...
• my car -- my dad & brother found out it needs a new spark plug. I was afraid the whole car was gonna be scrapped ...
• my job, which is teaching me more than job-related skills
• God, because He always provides a "next right thing" for me to do

"take away my difficulties" -- eh?

I did the third step with my sponsor yesterday. (The third step is where we "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.")

So she had me kneel down with her and pray the third step prayer out of the Big Book. I've read that prayer dozens of times before, and I've prayed variations of it every day for the past several months. But for some reason, one part of it bothered me when I prayed it with her. I didn't say anything about it to her at the time. Today, it's been gnawing at me. Yeah, that's what generally happens when I clam up about stuff that bothers me ...

Here's the prayer:

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Well that seems innocent enough. But here's the issue: What's up with the "Take away my difficulties" part? If I have difficulties in my life, it's because I have lessons to learn and/or consequences to face. In the past, I would have wanted to avoid experiencing those difficulties. But now I'm scared to avoid them. The desire to escape or avoid something is huge red flag for me.

I don't want God to take away my difficulties. When life is good, I get comfortable. Comfort is bad. Comfort brews complacency, self-absorption, conceit, and pride. I stop growing spiritually and my ego grows instead. Then "BAM!" Something absolutely devastating happens that rocks my comfortable little world and I'm left desperately looking for something to cling to.

The Big Book says,

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. 'How can I best serve Thee, Thy will (not mine) be done.' These are thoughts which must go with us constantly."

Would I be thinking in that frame of mind if God took away my difficulties? Hell no! I'm only inclined to maintain my spiritual condition when some degree of pain is involved. I'm especially inclined to do so when the pain exceeds my ability to cope.

I really don't know where I'm going with this now. I guess I'm just scared of getting too comfortable. I don't trust myself. Maybe I wasn't ready for the third step after all. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Okay it's time to go to bed!


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 284 days sober
• my sponsor ... she's willing to spend time with me
• two homegroup chicas celebrating AA anniversaries -- one last week, one today
• this cool guy who took me on my first motorcycle ride ever (wow, that was fun!)
• getting to know people in the program
• my family still loving me
• my dog still being happy to see me
• my car still working
• still having a job, and learning how to have good days during bad days
• God, because He gives me what I need, and not necessarily what I stupidly want

"fear of people"

Okay, time to spew some discomfort before it goes nuclear:

It's not that I FEAR people. They just freak me out. I don't mix well.

I would rather watch people from a safe distance than participate with them. It reminds me of how the cameraman must feel on National Geographic. He just films the animals from a distance and never interferes. That's my comfort level when it comes to people. Any more interaction than that makes me uncomfortable.

I find comfort in being excluded. When several people plan to go somewhere to do something social, my first impulse is to pretend not to hear them and to leave quickly without being noticed. That's more comfortable than someone noticing me and awkwardly offering an unplanned invitation that they didn't want to offer in the first place. The idea that perhaps they want me with them makes me feel suspicious. Nobody wants me. They just want something from me. (At least, that's what my stupid alcoholic brain tells me ... but I usually know better than to believe it.)

But I seem to do okay with people if given a structured task. At the meeting tonight, I found myself being a self-appointed "greeter". And I just realized that I subconsciously assumed that role at this meeting every week for the past two months. I guess I did it because 1) I can't stand the chaos of an open social setting, and 2) I'd feel guilty if I sat in a dark corner and just waited for the meeting to start. At least in a greeting setting, I'm limited to saying "hi" and not expected to carry on a conversation.

Conversations scare the hell out of me lately. I'm usually either too tired or too hyper to think clearly. For the past couple of weeks, I've been absolutely braindead. Coordinating a smile and a "Hi" now possesses a level of difficulty similar to rocket science.

And I just love it when my sponsor asks, "How was your day?" And all I can think to reply with is, "Fine. How was yours?" Although I know in the back of my mind that there were a dozen different things I need to talk to her about, but I can't remember any of them. Dammit. Braindead. Again.

I'm tired. And feeling kinda stupid :P

hope started one year ago today

One year ago today, I went to the website of Alcoholics Anonymous in search of hope.

I didn't think it was possible for me to live day to day without drinking. But I knew for certain that I could no longer live my life under the constant influence and obsession of alcohol. I either needed to find a way to live without drinking, or I needed to die.

I was skeptical that AA would be able to help me. After all, it's where the courts send drunk drivers. I knew that I was a real alcoholic, and real alcoholics are hopeless people who either drink themselves to death or die in stupid accidents. So I didn't want to waste my time with AA if it just turned out to be a DUI/DWI correctional class.

AA's website had a link for the "Big Book" online. I read the chapter called "Bill's Story". At first, I didn't identify with Bill very much. I wasn't male, wasn't in the military, wasn't a "professional", was never rich, never married, didn't drink what he drank, etc.

But then I came to this part in his story:

"It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before ...

"No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master" (Big Book, p. 8).

This was the first time that I ever felt an ounce of hope regarding my alcoholism.

Why? For the first time in my life, I witnessed another human being feeling exactly what I felt -- the hopelessness, the fear, the shame, the humiliation, the desperation, the absolute defeat from alcohol. I came to realize that my problem wasn't so unique -- that even in the midst of my most lonesome grief, I was never alone in my experience of alcoholism.

The following chapters in the Big Book convinced me that my situation was not hopeless after all. I came to believe that I could have my life back.

That was one year ago today.

And today, I'm grateful to have my life back.

another day, another chip

I got a color upgrade on my AA chip today. Went from yellow to green. I've been continuously sober for nine months.

I felt kind of stupid today when people congratulated me. Let me (try to) explain:

Imagine what it would be like if you had a next door neighbor who compulsively beat his head into his concrete driveway every day, all day, for years. Even after tearful friends and family members begged him to stop, and doctors warned him of the dangers of his behavior, he continued. Then one day he had a spiritual experience and suddenly stopped beating his head into his driveway.

If that was my neighbor, I'd think, "Good grief! The idiot finally stopped!" The thought wouldn't cross my mind to congratulate him. He merely stopped doing something incredibly stupid.

Do you think he deserves to be congratulated after nine months of abstinence from beating his head into his driveway? Is that really so commendable? I don't think so. He simply stopped doing something incredibly stupid ... for nine months. Big deal!

I feel like I've done the same thing with my alcoholism. It's nothing to be congratulated about. I didn't die and I didn't engage in my incredibly stupid compulsive behavior for nine months. And even that wasn't of my own making -- it was by the grace of God and the people in AA.

There's been alot of spiritual and personal growth too, and that is what makes sobriety worthwhile. I'd be in absolute misery without the growth I've experienced in this program and the relationship I'm developing with God and other people.

Still, it feels weird to be congratulated for something I had nothing to do with.

So congratulate God and yourselves. Thanks for helping me to stay sober for another chip.

better

Went to a step study tonight ... and I'm feeling better. I see many places where I went wrong.

I really set myself up for a dry bender yesterday:

• I didn't pray.
• I didn't call my sponsor the day before. (She called me and left a voicemail ... which I didn't care to return).
• I allowed my emotions to be governed by my circumstances and the actions of other people.
• I wanted to do things my way.
• I allowed negative feelings to build -- instead of talking to someone or praying about it.
  
• I also didn't take care of myself physically. I slept four hours the night before and forgot to eat all day. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired ...
  

So yeah, that's basically "asking for it". Endured the emotional hangover today. Cleaned up some wreckage (or tried to anyway). Feeling better.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 271 days dry (semi-sober)
• the step study meeting tonight
• the cool guy who showed up at the END of the step study meeting tonight ;)
• some friends who listened, emailed, and shared their thoughts
• my dog is still alive. He escaped from the back yard today and nearly wandered to a busy road to get run over.
• my family still likes me
• the gears are sticking in my car ... but it still works! Woohoo!
• I still have a job to wake up for in the morning ... early in the morning ... in six hours ... damn I'm tired!
  
• God, because He doesn't leave me alone (even when I think I want Him to)
  

we CLAIM spiritual progress ...

... but "claiming" spiritual progress and actually making it are two different things.

Things didn't go my way today. My perfect and almighty expectations were not met. Some plans didn't work out the way I thought they should this morning, and my sponsor didn't behave like I thought she should have. Because I know what's best for everything. (I'm being sarcastic here.)

Normally this kind of stuff doesn't bother me. Things can go wrong, people can be unreasonable, and I'll just smile and roll along with it. But today, I feel crippled by it.

We're granted a daily reprieve contingent on our spiritual condition. Mine must not be so good today.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 270 damn days dry (not "sober" today ... just "dry")
  
• sharing a fantastic New Year's eve with a great guy
  
• having my grandparents over
• going back to work tomorrow
• having a Big Book to read (or throw)
• my car still works
• my dog still likes me
• my family still likes me
• God and all His practical jokes

charlie brown's little tree

(Or click here to watch at You Tube)


In the video clip above, Charlie Brown thinks he killed his Christmas tree and exclaims, "Oh, everything I touch gets ruined!" Then he walks away sad.

When I saw that today, it reminded me that I often have the same reaction when things don't work out the way I want them to. If one little thing goes wrong, I'm suddenly a complete and total failure of a human being.

At least, that's my instinctive reaction. That doesn't mean I have to think or act that way. I'm glad to be learning a better way to handle life. When put into perspective, my life's worst problems really aren't that bad.

Serenity isn't when everything in my life is wonderful. It's when everything sucks, but I find the willingness to accept it as it is and move on to do the next right thing. Sounds simple. But usually the most simple things in life are the most difficult to perform consistently, if at all.

I'm grateful to be sober this Christmas. And I'm beyond grateful for the people in this program ...

Happy Holidays, everyone.

small reflection

Today, I heard a song that I haven't heard since my last drunk days and earliest sober days. It has caused me to reflect a bit on how things have changed over the past year.

A year ago at this time, I was limited to copying and pasting song lyrics in my blog -- usually because I was too drunk to type. Well with the exception of [this other post], which was written at the beginning of a drunk that I REALLY didn't want to start. I didn't want to drink again. I desperately wanted to stop. But I still drank even before that post was finished.

A year ago, the lights were on but nobody was home. I was emotionally unavailable to the people most important to me. The only thing that mattered was my own pain and NEED to numb it with alcohol. The only thing that kept me alive was my victim mentality and my insistence on blaming everything but myself for my own misery.

The song I heard today was one that I played repeatedly on loop during the last week of December 2005 and the entire months of January through March 2006. (Umm, yeah ... I was really screwed up ... )

By adding my own interpretation to the lyrics, they inspired me to change. I needed to keep hearing the words over and over:

To live and not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

I lost my faith to please
This town that don't exist
So I run, I run away
To the light of masochist

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

And I've walked this line
A million and one f*cking tries

But not this time

- Green Day, "Jesus of Suburbia"

I can't say how many times I tearfully white-knuckled it through cravings while hearing those words. It was good to hear them again today.

Today, I'm especially grateful because ...

• I'm 255 days sober.
  
• The mental and emotional hurricane that alcohol created in my life has stopped.
• I'm no longer walking the line between drunkenness and sanity.
• I lost my faith to incomprehensible demoralization as a result of repeatedly failing to control my drinking, but now I've found something to believe that keeps me sober.
• I'm not afraid to have hope.
• I'm not afraid to fail.
  
• I no longer need things to go my way, or to go according to my plans.
• I no longer need people to behave in a certain way to make me happy.
  
• I don't walk alone anymore.
• God made this happen.
  

"the right kind of world"

A.A. Thought For The Day, from "Twenty-Four Hours A Day":

Service to others makes the world a good place. Civilization would cease if all of us were always and only for ourselves. We alcoholics have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to the well-being of the world. We have a common problem. We find a common answer. We are uniquely equipped to help others with the same problem. What a wonderful world it would be if everybody took their own greatest problem and found the answer to it and spent the rest of their lives helping others with the same problem, in their spare time. Soon we would have the right kind of a world. Do I appreciate my unique opportunity to be of service?

Meditation For The Day

Today can be lived in the consciousness of God's contact, upholding you in all good thoughts, words and deeds. If sometimes there seems to be a shadow on your life and you feel out of sorts, remember that this is not the withdrawal of God's presence, but only your own temporary unwillingness to realize it. The quiet gray days are the days for doing what you must do, but know that the consciousness of God's nearness will return and be with you again, when the gray days are past.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may face the dull days with courage. I pray that I may have faith that the bright days will return.

It's been a while since I've made an entry. I've been so busy lately -- even too busy to blog! But when I read this devotional this morning, I couldn't help but want to share it.

"What a wonderful world it would be if everybody took their own greatest problem and found the answer to it and spent the rest of their lives helping others with the same problem, in their spare time. Soon we would have the right kind of a world."

Many hugs and much love to all :)

gratitude exists on mondays too

Today, I am especially grateful for ...

• being 249 days sober
• having an awesome weekend
  
• getting to a meeting tonight ... even though I kind of didn't want to go (that means I NEED to go)
  
• hearing again that I never have to take another drink. There was a time when that was not an option for me. How quickly I forget the agonizing desperation of those hopeless days and nights ...
• the awesome people in AA who share their experience, strength, and hope
  
• hearing heartfelt stories from people in the program that I don't know very well
  
• getting to talk with my sponsor this evening
• eating dinner with my family tonight
• getting to say "goodbye" to a special someone who's going out of town
• having a nice warm place to sleep tonight
• buying a Christmas present for someone today
• having a job to get up for in the morning ... early in the morning
• being very tired tonight -- probably tired enough to sleep!
• God, because He keeps the world spinning without needing my "help"
  

this post is brought to you by the number 2

Today, I'm very grateful for ...

• being eight months & one day sober
• working Step 2 with my sponsor tonight
• being assigned work for Step 3
• the amazing people in this program who continually show me how to be a better person
• developing relationships and getting to know people better
• not feeling so "lost" in AA anymore. Everybody's got a place, and it's helping someone else.
• having a nice, warm bed to sleep in tonight (it's COLD outside!)
• having an understanding and patient family
• my dog, because he just wants to play. Always. PLAY!
• my cell phone, because I dunno how I ever lived without one
• God, because although I sometimes try to do His job, He never tries to do mine
  

embracing emotions

From Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II, entry for December 4:

In the past, many of us learned to make choices strictly on the basis of our feelings, as if feelings were facts. If we were frightened about taking a certain action, for example, it was best avoided. There was no middle ground and no room for more than one feeling at a time.

Part of recovery involves learning that feelings aren't facts. I am a complex, fascinating human being with a wide range of emotions, experiences, and thoughts. There is more to my identity than one feeling or another, one problem or another. I am a wealth of contradictions. I can value all of my feelings without allowing them to dictate my actions.

Today I can feel anger toward someone and still love them. I can feel afraid of new experiences, yet move forward through them. I can survive being hurt without giving up on love. And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again.


TODAY'S REMINDER

Today I am learning to embrace my complexities and contradictions and to be grateful for the rightness they bring.

"Life, for all its agonies ... is exciting and beautiful, amusing and artful and endearing ... and whatever is to come after it -- we shall not have this life again." -- Rose Macaulay

Physical discomfort has always been easy for me to handle. (Hey -- if it hurts, it's still attached! That's usually good!) But I've been a total wuss in regards to emotional discomfort. I've always avoided emotional discomfort at all costs.

The past couple of months have been damn scary. Being mostly isolated for so long, I've been afraid to open up to people. I've been afraid to call other alcoholics. I've been afraid to show up to every meeting 30 minutes early (as directed by my sponsor). The anxiety kills me. I hate it.

At the same time, I've been facing those fears. I have to decide that I'm willing to experience the discomfort that these situations generate. Sometimes I'm more willing than others.

As of now, I'm very grateful for the people I've met in the program. I wouldn't know them if I had stayed clammed up in the corner. I wouldn't know about someone's son being in trouble, about someone else having a hard time finding a job, or about someone else who needs a ride to a meeting. These people are just like me. Why am I afraid?


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 243 days sober
• going back to the meeting I wanted to avoid last week
• hearing a fantastic speaker tonight
• talking with other alcoholics today
• AA buddies, online and off
  
• getting to play with my dog
• my family decorating the house
  
• learning more stuff at work
• having time to RTFM before work
  
• the beautiful day
• God, because He puts people in my life for a good reason
  

grrratitude

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 241 dayum days sober
• the awesome ladies in this program who talked to me today
• still having a sponsor who's willing to help me through the steps
• AA buddies, online and off
• going to a new meeting tonight, and being asked to do service work there
  
• having an absolute blast of a weekend ... wow :)
  
• having a job to get up for in the morning
• having an understanding family
• being absolutely exhausted and ready to collapse
  
• the Cowboys won! :D
• praying for willingness
  
• God, because no matter what happens, He's there
  

definitions of "restore" and "sanity"

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

As part of working the second step, my sponsor told me to look up the definitions of "restore" and "sanity" in the dictionary. So here they are:


restore:

• verb 1 return to a former condition, place, or owner. 2 repair or renovate (a building, work of art, etc.). 3 bring back (a previous practice, right, or situation); reinstate.

— DERIVATIVES restorable adjective restorer noun.

— ORIGIN Latin restaurare ‘rebuild, restore’.

sanity:

• noun 1 the condition of being sane. 2 reasonable and rational behaviour.

Ah, reasonable and rational behavior. When I was drinking, my behavior was never reasonable or rational. Sometimes my behavior is not reasonable or rational even now that I'm sober -- but I've learned that if I catch the behavior fast enough, I can give it to God and start over.

The trick is to stop the emotional avalanche before it gains too much momentum. Once that happens, LOOK OUT! Worlds collide, the sky falls, and geologists millions of years from now will discover a curiously anomolous layer in the earth's crust and know instantly, "Oh! This was when she got upset!" ("She" being myself, of course.) At least, that's how important my self-generated crises FEEL when my mind is consumed by them. I often forget that situations viewed through my distorted emotions are actually much less significant than they appear to be.

I found the derivatives of "restore" to be interesting. Am I "restorable"? I believe so. It would be quite egotistical to believe that MY problems are SO big and SO bad that even an omnipotent being (the "restorer") could be crushed by them. But that is what I sometimes want to believe. I have occasionally found a morbid sense of comfort in thinking myself to be hopeless. But as each day passes, I'm learning to find real comfort in knowing that there is no limit to God's ability and willingness to help me -- and finding out that my problems are not so special after all. I experience that help each day when I earnestly seek it and keep doing "the next right thing".

The Big Book of AA says:

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power," (p. 42).

"Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought," (p.60)

thx simpsons parody

You know the THX sound system advertisement often seen at the beginning of movies? I thought this was a pretty funny parody of it.

Click Play below or [Click Here] to view at Google Video.

we agnostics

My sponsor told me to read the chapter "We Agnostics" out of the Big Book. As usual, I'm glad I did what she told me. (RTFM: Read this chapter in .pdf HERE, or view other Big Book chapters HERE.)

Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness (p. 48).

"Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became open minded ... "

This reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons where Homer was about to get killed by a rhinoceros. He screams, "I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha -- I love you all!"

When faced with impending death, the fancy details of religion and spirituality suddenly don't matter.

At this point in my sobriety, those fancy details still don't matter. Is there life after death? Is there a hell? Is there a heaven? Do we get reincarnated? Are angels real? I don't care. None of that has anything to do with keeping me sober today. I have a problem that experience has repeatedly demonstrated to be unrepairable by human power, and the only thing that can help me is a Power greater than myself. That's the only theology that matters to me right now.

Alcohol beat me into a state of reasonableness. I had no choice but to try something new, because my ideas didn't work.

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does?

... When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did (p. 52).

The God idea works for my AA buddies, and it works for me too -- when I'm willing to let it.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 238 days sober
• getting to hear my sponsor's sponsor at a speaker meeting tonight -- and finding out that my sponsor's sponsor knows her sponsor's sponsor. That's pretty cool.
• AA buddies online and off
  
• having my family
• my adorable dog -- who seems to be learning not to jump on me when I come home from work wearing a nice suit
• my car -- it works! It really works!
• my mp3 player, because it drowns out the Christmas "elevator music" they're playing at work
• I have a job. OMG! I have a job!
  
• knowing that I could lose everything tonight if I choose to take a drink
• God, because He's so much more patient than I am
  

knowing the person i am

From yesterday's entry in Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in AlAnon II:

My life is in a constant state of change. Awareness allows me to keep pace with that change. Today let me listen to my words and watch my actions. Only by knowing the person I am can I create the person I want to become.

"Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something molded." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The concept of "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" is awesome. I'm glad that I don't have to live up to any particular benchmark or achievement. Just one day at a time, staying sober, and growing spiritually is all that matters.

I'm supposed to take who I was yesterday and try to improve it today. It's all about allowing God to shape me into His idea, and being willing to experience discomfort in the process.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." -- Booker T. Washington

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 238 days sober
• my awesome kickass homegroup ... I love these people
• getting to know individual homegroup members better
• learning (slowly) how to open up ... it's hard
• learning to handle anxiety without even thinking of drinking
• my job, which I am so fortunate to have
• my family, which I am beyond fortunate to have
• God, because everything in my life was put there for a purpose