live usefully, walk humbly

"Still more wonderful is the feeling that we do not have to be specially distinguished among our fellows in order to be useful and profoundly happy. Not many of us can be leaders of prominence, nor do we wish to be. Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with God's help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in God's sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in God's scheme of things -- these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes. True ambition was not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God."

--Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 124

I read this the other day at a meeting. It's what I'm trying to think about during my day.

Just checking in. I'm still sober, still employed, still looking for a job in another city, still engaged ... not much changes around here except for my attitude and outlook.

There are ups and downs but it all averages out well.

need a job? apply directly to the website, apply directly to the website, apply directly to the website

Apply at fifty thousand websites, and maybe you'll get a call back within the next year or so. At least, that's how it feels sometimes. Most employers won't take paper applications anymore -- it's all done online, which reduces the face-to-face interaction that many job seekers would like. First impressions used to be personal. Now they're Word documents. I'm just one of a million résumés floating around in cyberspace. Plus it's not exactly encouraging to read that the US lost 17,000 jobs last month. I get to compete with those people too.

But I am grateful that I can meet this opportunity head on (pun intended), without retreating to a bottle. When I graduated from college, I was drinking. I only applied to two or three places within a four-month span. I was afraid to apply because I was afraid of rejection. When nobody responded to my applications, I gave up the job search and got a job in retail. I had to apply online for that job too, lol!

So now, I've lost count of how many applications I've completed within the past month. I usually find one or two each day. I don't fear the rejection anymore. I choose to see it as "God doing for me what I cannot do for myself" -- eliminating the jobs where I don't belong. It's not so bad when looking at it that way.

I can't wait to relocate. I really want to be with my fiancé. I just wish one of these employers would respond to my application. Or perhaps, I need to apply to the "right" place ...

You know, I didn't pray for patience for a reason. I don't like lessons in patience. I don't want lessons in patience. But maybe we just learn what God wants us to learn, when He wants us to learn it. "Not my will but Yours be done."

a big change

My boyfriend and I got engaged :)

I haven't posted much because I've been so busy. Engagement and wedding planning etiquette has always been uncharted territory for me. Some ladies plan their weddings during their childhood and teenage years, but I was pessimistic and afraid to hope for good things. Me, a bride? Ha! Never.

But now that an actual wedding is on the horizon, I am discovering that there is so much to do. It's a good thing we are planning a spring 2009 wedding!

My fiancé moved to a city 3 hours away last fall. So I'm looking for a job there. I'm not having any luck yet. It's discouraging, but that's okay.

I've never been engaged before. I've lived here in this town since I was 6 years old. I've lived in this house with my parents for 15 years. This is my first time to leave their house. It's also my first time to move to a new city.

New relationship situation, new living situation, new city, new job. There is some amount of fear in all of that. It's not a bad thing -- it's just a big change.

We've gone to some AA meetings in the new city. I like them -- everyone is really nice. The meetings there are similar in structure and atmosphere, so there is no "culture shock". They have an Alano club that hosts meetings every day at various times. That's great since I don't know my way around town yet -- I can go to one place for all of my meetings.

Thanks to all who emailed and posted comments. I will try to write when I can. Still staying sober with God's help, one day at a time.

in the cold

This turned out to be a weekend of gratitude.

I got to ride with my boyfriend on his motorcycle in the cold for the first time. The wind chill was about 25°F (-3°C) for the 150-mile (241 km) ride. That may not sound so bad, but man it was cold! I'm glad to have the experience. I've never been more grateful for a steaming cup of hot chocolate.

While we were out of town, we went to a meeting. They read Dr. Bob's story from the Big Book ("Dr. Bob's Nightmare"). The thing that really caught my attention was the prohibition part.

Around here, alcohol is prominently displayed in all gas stations, convenience stores, grocery stores, and markets. It's virtually everywhere. You can't avoid it. Newcomers have a really hard time with it and often share that they wish they weren't constantly bombarded with bottles every time they try to buy groceries or gas.

Well Dr. Bob was a guy who spent years trying to stop drinking, and then like a miracle, the government outlawed alcohol. Surely that would fix his problem. He was essentially given every AA newcomer's dream -- alcohol was removed from public view. But even so, Dr. Bob still found other ways to obtain alcohol and also started taking pills, which made things worse.

It illustrates that the problem isn't with alcohol, it's with the alcoholic. It's insanity. When alcohol is removed, our natural tendency is to find other ways to continue self-destructive behavior. I'm not sure if the alcoholic's obsession is really with alcohol ... I think the obsession is with self-destruction.

Tonight, I went on my first 12-step call. I didn't know what to expect, but I'm glad I went. She talked about her obsession with self-destruction. The alcohol was just a tool. I hope she will soon believe that she is worthy of treating herself well and living a good life. Learning to love yourself is the hardest part.

I'm grateful to be sober today, and that I don't want to self-destruct.

happy thanksgiving

"Where's Big Bird?"

My favorite Thanksgiving picture.

Tonight's meeting turned into a gratitude meeting, which makes most people squirm in their seats and want to leave. I'm not sure why people are so aversive . I guess once you've heard one gratitude meeting, you've heard them all.

Sometimes it helps to hear someone else share about their gratitude. They point out things that I've taken for granted.

Like one of my friends can eat now. He had a tube in his stomach last Thanksgiving due to chemo. He couldn't eat for almost a whole year. I've never had that kind of medical problem, so that's something I take for granted.

Another friend is no longer having to coordinate getting her teenage son in and out of jail and into and out of treatment centers. I don't have any kids or family members in that situation, so that's something I take for granted.

And everyone really has something unique to say ... but I don't really feel like I have anything unique to contribute.

Looking back over the past year through this blog, I can see how I have changed. Some is positive and some is negative. I've learned what I need to do to grow and to be happy. But my thinking tends to be more cynical. (But I call it "realistic" ... the truth is, life is a mixture of good and bad things. In the end, it fulfills an ultimately good purpose. But the bad parts really suck.)

I'm thankful to be sober, to have my family, to have friends, to have a relationship with God, to have a job, to have a roof over my head, to have good health, and to occasionally have the clarity to find gratitude for things overlooked.

a dozen roses brighten any day

And today, I am grateful ...

• to be sober
• that I still have my family
  
• that we all had a nice weekend
• that I got to have lunch with my wonderful boyfriend
• for the beautiful flowers my boyfriend gave me today. All of my coworkers' husbands got in trouble ... ("My husband hasn't given me flowers in years!")
  
• to get a refresher course on cooking dressing
• for my nice warm bed
• that I can look back in this blog and see patterns and trends in my behavior ... I realize the blog has been more about work lately and less about AA. Part of that is because work has become more important. As a result, I'm not as happy overall as I used to be. Hrm ... pattern?
  
• for God, because His plans cannot be derailed.
  

clocked out for the weekend

Okay, so I made it through another week at Dr. Evil's Corporate Office.

There is so much to complain about ... but there is so much to be grateful for:

• I'm sober
  
• I get to go to my homegroup meeting tonight
• I get to spend the weekend with people I love
• Hopefully my parents will get to meet my boyfriend's mom this weekend
  
• I have a job to go back to Monday morning. It sucks, but it's better than nothing.
  
• God sees the big picture, and He's not freaking out
  

and suddenly i was surrounded with champagne ...

I was finally able to make it back in to work yesterday & today. The cold I had last weekend turned into a sinus infection, which is disgusting and miserable, but not contagious. It was nice to be back at work.

They had a celebration at work today, and we were all supposed to report to the lobby at a certain time. I left my desk at the last minute and went to the lobby.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by hundreds of glasses of champagne. They filled half a dozen tables. People were passing the glasses around for a toast.

I felt alot of pressure to take a glass like everyone else. To everyone else, the champagne was as harmless as water. I looked into those bubbly glasses and thought about how nice it would be to take one. Surely one little glass wouldn't hurt.

But I didn't take a glass. My thinking made me nervous, so I slipped out the door and went back to my desk without anyone seeing me leave.

I felt ashamed that I was unable to stay. But the whole situation caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting to be surrounded by hundreds of glasses of alcohol, especially at a work function. Maybe if I had known about it beforehand, I would have done better.

Anyway, I'm grateful to be sober today, and to be alive. An acquaintance of mine (who was a very close friend of my boyfriend's brother) was shot and killed today. A disgruntled employee came into the workplace and shot several employees. Two lives were ended, countless lives were changed forever. Just like that.

It helps to put things into perspective ... all of my loved ones are alive and well today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.



Today, I am grateful ...

• to be 546 days sober
• that all of my loved ones are alive and well
• that the police caught the murderer
• that I was able to work yesterday and today
• that I have a job, and people look to me for help
  
• for video games ... an old favorite of mine kept me well-entertained during my sick days away from work
• for the medicine the doctor prescribed for my sinus infection ... it seems to be working
• that I was able to pay off my car (no more car payment!)
  
• that God's plans are better than mine
  

a beautiful ride

This weekend, I went on my first-ever camping trip. I went with my boyfriend and several friends from his clean & sober motorcycle club. It's very fun to ride with a group of people -- especially people who are also sober and in the program.

The ride was terrific. When you turn your back on today's worries, say a prayer with the group, mount the motorcycle, enter the wind, watch the countryside pass by, see the sights, smell the smells, feel the heat and cold, bear the stinging rain -- you have an experience unrivaled by anything else.


We wear earplugs to drown out the loud engines. And when you can't hear anything or talk to anybody for long stretches of time -- you're forced to navigate your own thoughts. I used to be afraid of that, but now I look forward to these opportunities of quiet introspection, as they are also opportunities to pray and let go.

When I let go, problems and difficulties don't seem so powerful anymore. Yesterday doesn't matter, and tomorrow doesn't matter. It's all about living in the moment and enjoying the moment. And on a motorcycle in a beautiful country on a beautiful day, there's alot to enjoy in the present moment.

Well, not only was the ride beautiful, but so was the campground. There was a rocky stream at the bottom of the hill. I enjoyed the watching the water flow through the rocks. The constant whisper of the water could be heard through the whole camp. It was absolutely beautiful.

Before bedtime, we built a fire and had an AA meeting. The topic was resentment.

The Big Book says on p. 66:

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

In our meeting, we wrote down our resentments on paper, shared them with the group, then symbolically turned them over to God by tossing the paper into the fire. We ended our "share" by expressing gratitude.

And I have alot to be grateful for.

Overall, this whole trip was a very meaningful experience. For me, it really meant alot to be included in something like this. After all, I'm not a member of this motorcycle club. I'm just somebody's girlfriend. But they didn't just tolerate me, they welcomed me ... and it means alot to be accepted like that.

Today, I'm especially grateful ...

• for being 535 days sober
• having a safe trip
• going camping for the first time (it was fun!)
• having some quality time at the stream to watch, listen, and pray
  
• being welcome
• for the wonderful guy in my life who invited me in
• for my family and my job
• God, because I don't need to understand Him, since He understands me
  

And now, I will leave you with the stream I loved to watch at the campground. I could sit there for hours:

(Video taken with cell phone - sorry for the lousy quality!)

overlooked blessings

I was sitting through heavy rush hour traffic this morning on my way to work.

As usual, the slowpoke lolling drivers in front of me were all idiots, and the impatient tailgating drivers behind me were all maniacs.

Looking at the clock, I became fearful that I would be late to work. So I sat there and stewed. I HATE being late.

Toward the end of my drive, I looked out my window and noticed something I had forgotten.

The last time I said "goodbye" to my boyfriend, he kissed my window three times, leaving three "kissprints" on my window. I hadn't noticed them all morning until that moment.

Suddenly it didn't matter whether I was going to be a few minutes late to work. The idiots in front of me and the maniacs behind me could drive as they willed, and I didn't care.

Those kissprints didn't suddenly appear -- they were there for the whole drive. I looked straight through them without noticing them. But still they were there. How many other little blessings to I miss every day because I'm preoccupied with something else?

I sometimes tend to get bent out of shape over things I can't have or can't control, it was nice to be reminded this morning that there are reasons to smile -- all around me. They may be easy to overlook, but they are there.

Today, I'm grateful ...

• to be 529 days sober
• for my friends, loved ones, and family
  
• 
• for the three kisses left on my car window
• for the unnoticed blessings yet to be discovered
  
• for the people at the meeting tonight, discussing the 9th step
• for the honesty of the people at these meetings
• for the ladies in AA
  
• to step outside and shiver from the cool breeze (it's been so HOT lately)
  
• to have enough
• to be sleepy at bedtime
• that God's ideas are bigger than mine

september sixteenth

Today, I am grateful ...

• to be 528 days sober
• for my family, loved ones, and friends
• cooler weather
  
• for a motorcycle ride on a beautiful day
• to see two friends get married
• for Italian food!
  
• for going out of town to see my boyfriend's new house
• to love and to be loved
  
• to once again learn that just because a situation may seem too difficult to handle, I can get through it without the world ending
• to God for His timing, because everything happens for an ultimately good reason, and WHEN it happens is also for an ultimately good reason. Of course it all seems wrong and impossible up front, but timing can be more easily appreciated in retrospect ...
  

road of happy destiny

Today, I came across the closing words at the end of the last chapter in the Big Book:

"We realize we only know a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you -- until then," (p.164).

Wow, this part is like a simple version of the 12 steps: "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find."

I needed to read those instructions today. I need to be more aggressive in working my program. I haven't been concentrating on that. I've been too busy working, catching up on lost sleep, and finding inventive ways to waste time. I haven't been "trudging the road" -- I've been too comfortable.

"Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs," (p. 20).

"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us," (p. 77).

I want to be helpful, but I can't share what I don't have. It's worth asking, "Have I abandoned myself to God today, or have I abandoned God to go my own way?"

I'm very grateful to be sober today, to have such wonderful AA friends, to have a family that loves me, and a God who will never leave.

a fine example

The post below this one is a fine example of what happens when you get caught up for too long in your own head.

"Catastrophic avalanche of mindshit" doesn't begin to describe it ... but it's a start.

Thank you to all of my homegroup chicas who called and texted and helped me to stay sober over the past couple of days. I'm amazed and deeply touched by the support extended by the ladies in the program ... I cannot thank you enough.

monday blues

Today was tough.

First, my boyfriend is leaving town because he got a better job in a city 200 miles away. Although I'm very happy for him that he's been blessed with this opportunity -- and I've encouraged him to take it -- I'm afraid. I don't like uncertainty. We're going from being 1 mile apart, to being 200 miles apart. Although he sincerely assures me that he wants to continue our relationship, I can't help but wonder how much longer he will feel that way after he's been gone for a few months. On one hand, I'm preparing myself for everything to end. On the other hand, I want to believe him, but I'm afraid to get hurt again. Cynicism feels safer. But cynicism so damn depressing ... Again it's uncertainty. I either have to get over it, or I won't.

Second, "Aunt Flo" showed up this morning -- making me nauseous, weak, dizzy, and feeling as if I had been shot, stabbed, and run over. It's like having the flu ... It made everything else that happened today much more difficult to handle ...

Third, I started a new job at work today. But it was frustrating because even though the appropriate paperwork was submitted weeks ago, I didn't have access to the computer programs and accounts that I need in order to do this job. They didn't even set up my phone until 4:30 in the afternoon. There is so much work to do, but I'm useless for now.

Fourth, there was an incident while taking some coworkers out to lunch today. I offered to drive them. When we parked in the parking lot, one of the ladies could not unfasten her seatbelt. It was stuck. She tried, I tried, another coworker tried -- the seatbelt would not budge.

While I tried to help her out, an idiot in an SUV insisted on parking in the space next to mine -- but my car doors were swung open into that space while we worked on releasing my coworker's seat belt. My "free" coworkers moved out of the space and watched, so I was the only one helping my stuck coworker now.

Never mind the fact there was a perfectly clear space on the OTHER side of my car -- he wouldn't take it because it would mean walking five paces farther than he wanted to walk. The idiot sat there and glared at me for not getting out of his way, and he waited impatiently for me to close my car doors to make room for his fat-ass SUV.

I looked at him, looked at the empty space on the other side of my car, and looked back at him incredulously, wondering, "Is he really that stupid?"

Yes, he was THAT stupid. He inched into the space a bit more and became angry that I wouldn't get out of his way.

There wasn't enough room for him to park where I was working. He could see that I was trying to help someone out of the car, but he didn't care. I was in his way.

I started to panic. The stupid seatbelt wasn't budging. I pushed the button and tugged this way and that, but the buckle was still stuck. My coworker tried to slip under the belt, but instead it tightened around her so that she couldn't move at all.

Then the bastard inched closer to my open door because I wasn't moving out of his way fast enough. I became very angry. There was a free space on the other side of my car -- why wouldn't he take it? Because he was a stupid lazy bastard who believes the world owes him a parking space that's five feet closer to the door -- that's why!

I wanted to yell at him. If he was in my position, I would have offered to HELP him, not run him over. But I didn't say anything or make any gestures to him. I was too scared to stand up for myself. I've always been that way. I'm a bully's favorite pissing target.

The seatbelt simply was not coming off, and I could tell my coworker was starting to panic a bit when it locked tight around her. I opened the scissors on my swiss army knife and cut the seatbelt off. Then I closed the car doors and got out of the idiot's way.

He swung into the space crooked and far off-center -- the typical rude and inept fashion common in this area. Asshole. Not that I have a resentment about this or anything ... (hahaha)

The kicker is that during the drive on the way home, the seatbelt buckle would disconnect and reconnect effortlessly. No problem anymore. But the seatbelt itself has been cut and is useless now ...

But this incident pointed out to me (again) that I need to learn to be more assertive. Otherwise I might go postal on someone one of these days.


Regardless of all the stupid little things going on, I have so much to be grateful for ...

• I'm 452 days sober
• I've shared the past seven months of my life with someone special
• I have a job ... I recently got a promotion
• I have a car that can take coworkers to lunch (although it tried to trap one of them today, lol)
• My seatbelt BUCKLE works. Now I just need a new belt ...
  
• My coworkers WANTED to go to lunch with me (wow)
  
• My family still loves me
• I can still write when I need/want to
• Independence Day (US) is coming up. One of my favorite holidays.
• I'm sleepy, and I can go to bed now ...
• God, because he's got this stuff figured out in some kind of strategic plan
  

so grateful

I'm so grateful for the people in AA. They make me feel like I'm not the worthless piece of sh*t that I feel like I am. I don't get it and I don't understand how it works. But I simply can't express my gratitude for the AAs in my homegroup and the AAs online.

I'm slowly learning how to say in a group that "I'm not okay". It's easier to do online but much more difficult to admit in person. I always want to pretend that everything is fine, because otherwise I'll have to explain what's wrong. I don't do that very well. I usually have no idea what's wrong -- I just feel that something is wrong, there are thousands of things that created that feeling, and I'm confused by it all. I dunno how to put chaos into words. So all my life I've found that it's MUCH easier to pretend that everything is okay. Besides, who doesn't want to be okay? I want to be okay, everyone else wants me to be okay, so fine then, I'll pretend to be okay. (So much for that program of rigorous honesty!)

But this is getting better. People are being patient with me. And I'm starting to get over that fear of exposure. I don't have to present a false front ... and that's a relief.

seeing my story in "Bill's Story"

This was the passage that really stood out to me when I read the Big Book for the first time. When I read this, I finally knew that someone else in this world knew what I was going through. I wasn't alone anymore.

I read this passage again today, and I couldn't help but see my own story in Bill's story:

"It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though if often remains strong in other respects. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer self- knowledge.

But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski-jump. After a time I returned to the hospital. This was the finish, the curtain, it seemed to me. My weary and despairing wife was informed that it would all end with heart failure during delirium tremens, or I would develop a wet brain, perhaps within a year. We would soon have to give me over to the undertaker of the asylum.

They did not need to tell me. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea. It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before. I thought of my poor wife. There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends. But that was over now.

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.

Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink, and on Armistice Day 1934, I was off again. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes."

(Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 7-8)

In fact, out of all of the AA speakers I've ever heard, they tell this same story in their own different ways.

It's awesome to hear the stories of so many people -- who all became alcoholic in different ways, found AA in different ways, worked the Twelve Steps in different ways, and express their gratitude in different ways -- but in the end, it all sums up here. We're all the same ... and we're not alone.

there aren't enough days in a weekend

One would think an adult would have mastered this level of reasoning, but sometimes it still surprises me that when I choose to do "Activity A", I miss out on "Activity B". There's always some sort of sacrifice involved when these kinds of decisions are made.

I don't like making that sacrifice. I don't like the sense of urgency that comes from running out of time. I don't like resigning myself to the fact that the weekend is OVER, and I will be a corporate zombie for the next five days until another weekend rolls around.

But I suppose I should shut up and be grateful that because I'm sober today, I can make decisions on how to spend my free time.

When I was drinking, my decisions automatically defaulted and locked to "get drunk". In early sobriety, my decisions defaulted to attending several AA meetings each day and filling the hours between meetings with blogging, reading, etc -- because I had to fight the urge to drink.

But now, my decisions don't default to anything. I don't have to drink anymore, and I don't have to fight drinking either.

Sometimes it's overwhelming to suddenly have so many options that previously didn't exist. I want to do everything, see everything, participate in everything ... but it simply isn't possible.

I'm just grateful to be sober today, to have a family, to have friends, and to have choices ...

DMV adventures, and keeping "faith"

This morning, I used my last vacation day today to get the registration for my new car. My bosses are very strict about missing work -- so I had to use my last vacation day.

I got to the DMV this morning at 8:15 to register the car. The office didn't open until 9, but there were already 20 people waiting in line.

After waiting in line for 1.5 hours, the DMV clerk informed me that the company that sold me my car messed up the title. Their notary signed her name on the wrong line. The DMV could not take the title, so I could not register my car.

When I got the loan from the bank a few weeks ago, I remembered the loan officer told me that I had to bring the title to her. So I took the title to the loan officer and explained the situation about the notary issue. She had me sign the title, and she notarized next to my name. She said that should clear it up.

Then I vaguely remembered seeing an affidavit in the sales paperwork, stating something about a printer problem. So I went back home to read that again. Sure enough, it was regarding a printer problem on the title. That must be why the notary info was off.

I called the DMV to ask if this affidavit would clear up the problem. They assured me it would.

So I went back to the DMV. I waited in line for 3 -- three -- THREE hours.

When I finally got up to the counter, the DMV clerk told me that the affidavit was useless because the original notary had signed on the wrong line, and that the second notary stamp from the lady at the bank voided the title. Greeaaat.

The clerk shook her head, gave me a form to send to the sellers, and said "Good luck getting that back -- it's your only chance."

One part of me wanted to go postal, another part wanted to cry. This was my last vacation day ... how was I going to get another day off work to do this again?

But my autopilot took over in stoic mode. I thanked the clerk and calmly went back to my car to make some phone calls.

I went back to the bank and informed the loan officer that she had voided the title. She was extremely apologetic. I was extremely aggravated ... but that damn autopilot took over again, and I felt myself smile and tell her that it was okay ... even though everything on the inside screamed that it wasn't okay.

(Where does that autopilot come from anyway? In some cases, it's good, because I don't blow up at people. But it's bad in other cases because I don't stand up for myself when I should ...)

Fortunately I was able to get in contact with someone at the company that sold me my car. I explained the situation, and she said she would order a duplicate title and would also fill out the form from the DMV clerk. I'm so glad they're willing to work with me.

Things could always be worse ... at least I didn't go postal.

After that, I went on to work to try to salvage a few vacation hours back. I explained what happened to one of my coworkers.

When I told her about how frustrated I got, she asked, "Did you lose your faith?"

I've never thought about it like that before. I suppose losing my temper and getting upset would be like losing my faith. Because when I turn my will and my life over to God, I have nothing to become angry over.

And at the end of the day, I went to a meeting ... got to see people I care about stay sober. That was cool. I was glad that I stayed sober too.

turning one year old

Mom made me a cake & got me an Easter Lilly. Doesn't that cake look good??? Thanks, mom!


With all its ups and downs, this past year was the toughest emotional roller coaster ride of my entire life. But it's also been the best year of my life.

At my first-ever AA meeting, someone told me, "You never have to take another drink again."

I desperately wanted to believe him, but it sounded too good to be true.

But today, I know it's true.

I'm grateful to be a recovering alcoholic and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. The only reason I'm living today is because of the grace of God and the fellowship of AA.

And I'm not merely alive -- I'm living the happy, joyous, and free life that I thought I'd never have.

Thank you to everyone for helping me to reach my first birthday. You helped to make a miracle happen.

Miracles happen all the time in AA, and we see them when we keep coming back.

my first wreck

Ya know what? Cars and fire hydrants don't get along too well.

One slashed a lovely yellow-paint-coated gash along the entire length of the passenger side of my car, ripping the doors crooked, and leaving the rear tire mangled. Well done! (Boy, I'm a first class dumbass!)

It's pretty funny ... I've never been in a wreck before, even back when I was drinking. I've always prided myself in having a perfect driving record. But now that I'm a week shy of one year sober, I wreck my new car ... which I've only had for two weeks.

But I'm glad that

• nobody got hurt
  
• the fire hydrant wasn't damaged
• no other cars were involved
  
• I have insurance to cover the damage to my car
  
• my dad helped me change the tire so we could get the car home
• I still have my OLD car, so I don't need to get a rental
• the weather was nice, so I didn't get rained on or snowed on
• it wasn't dark yet, so I could inspect everything in the sunlight
  
• this happened at the perfect time of day to get to a meeting right after, so I could get out of my head and be with other people who had worse days than mine
• my sponsor & another AA friend met up with me after the meeting and shared some of their experiences banging up cars ... I didn't feel quite so stupid after hearing some of their stories
• I didn't drink, and I didn't want to
• I didn't cry, though I kinda wanted to
• God's probably sitting there laughing at me, but that's okay ... I can laugh at me too.