tall enough?

The light bulb over my head finally turned on: Sometimes talking about this stuff works better than blogging about it.

That little discovery seems obvious to most people ... but I've never been able to talk to anyone about anything before. I can write about almost anything, but talking about it has always been (and still is) very difficult. There must be a disconnect between my brain and my mouth, because I can type much easier than I can speak.

So after talking about this, I'm feeling much better now. The discomfort yesterday was caused by something I didn't even blog about anyway.

Yesterday I felt "left out" because I wasn't included in something. It brought back the same feelings I had as a kid at the theme park. In front of the roller coasters, they have the sign that says "You must be at least this tall to ride". I remember my big brother standing next to the sign and being tall enough to ride. But I'd stand next to it, and I wouldn't be tall enough. So I'd have to watch him go on the ride and have all the fun. That sucked.

Well I felt like that yesterday. I felt inadequate. I wondered if I might have been included if I was better, cooler, or otherwise "not such a dumbass". That's a great way to ruin a day. And I ruined it quite sufficiently. (Not getting any sleep the night before and forgetting to eat all day didn't help either. I need to learn how to eat and sleep ...)

How often do we waste time and energy worrying about that kind of stuff? Fears of inadequacy are sometimes the most devastating fears. They take away what little confidence we have and replace it with self-contempt and downright self-hatred. I've got enough of that ... I don't need any more.

It's interesting how little things like this can have so much power over us. And for some unknown reason, I have this bizarre willingness to give it all the power it needs to ruin almost everything.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• staying sober
• spending time with that guy who likes me for reasons I'll never understand
• finding out I can talk about things that bother me ... it's not easy, but it's possible
• my family & my dog
• nice warm pajamas
• a job to get up for in the morning
• my car still works (woohoo!)
• starting a new art/craft project ... I got all the stuff, now I just need time
• God. He's laughing at me right now, but that's okay.

openly and freely

From "Twenty Four Hours a Day", entry for October 30:

"My idea of friendship has changed. Friends are no longer people whom I can use for my own pleasure of profit. Friends are now people who understand me and I them, whom I can help and who can help me to live a better life. I have learned not to hold back and wait for friends to come to me, but to go half way and to be met half way, openly and freely."

When I read that passage this morning, I nearly flipped out. I have ALWAYS waited for "friends" to come to me! I have never made a wholehearted attempt to meet anyone halfway. Whenever I try to meet people halfway, I hold up my guard out of fear of getting hurt, and I retreat far before reaching the halfway point. That is anything BUT "openly and freely" as described above.

Lately, however, I have been letting my guard down while taking steps toward that threatening halfway point. It is as scary as hell every time. It amazes me how much of my social interaction is governed by fear.

A few months ago, if you had asked me why I did not mingle and socialize, I would have said "I'm too busy," "I don't need friends," "I'm socially defective," "I'm not worth knowing anyway," or "I just want to be alone." All of those excuses are lies. But countless times I have found it preferable to convince myself into believing those lies rather than to face my fear.

In recovery, I have been engaging in these old behaviors resulting from my old ideas. I need to get rid of my old ideas. They are holding me back.

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

"Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!

"Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon."

I leave no room for God's protection and care when I insist on protecting and caring for myself. This is why I am supposed to let go absolutely, and relinquish jurisdiction of my life to God with complete abandon. Until I let go of everything -- my old ideas, old behaviors, pride, and fears -- I will never be the person that God wants me to be.


Today, I am especially grateful for ...

• being 207 days sober
• experiencing some clarity today
• my family
• my dog
• AA buddies online and off
• my car
• my job
  
• God, because His patience is stronger than my hardheadedness

this new meeting is cool :D

I tried a new meeting tonight, and I love it! It's every Saturday night at 10. Some of the folks there are members of my Wednesday/Friday night homegroup. It's awesome to go to a new meeting and see familiar faces. I love these people, although I don't show it well. That's another issue to work on.

I also learned about a great women's meeting on Thursday evenings. I'll have to give that one a try too!

Again, I didn't "share" in this meeting, but I made a baby step forward in that area. There was a lady I wanted to share my thoughts with because (surprise!) she shared something I have experience with. Although I was too nervous to share in front of the group, I waited until after the meeting, then introduced myself to her and talked with her for a few minutes. So I shared that way. I guess it's better than not sharing at all. Plus I got to meet her and know her better. That was cool. Perhaps I can work my way up to sharing with the group.

Thanks to everyone who offered advice regarding my reluctance to share in discussion meetings. [in reference to this post] You folks are awesome :)

Regarding the breakup, I'm not as sad about it today as I was before. The hurt is still there. But whenever I think of him -- which I often do -- I pray for him and hope he is okay.


Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 191 days sober
• the incredibly patient people who read my blog
  
• finding a new awesome meeting
• attending three meetings today
• meeting new people
• opening up ... a little bit
• my wonderful family and adorable dog
• God, because I can feel Him with me

fear of speaking in meetings

Went to an open discussion meeting tonight, and the topic was how upset we get when things don't meet our expectations.

I hate it when everyone else has shared except for me, and the meeting leader says, "There are still a few minutes left ... would you like to share?" I'm looking at the ground, hoping to dear GOD that they're not talking to me.

Ask me to read something, or to stack chairs, or even to greet people -- and I'll be fine. But ask me to share my opinion -- and I'm screwed. I can only make myself speak if I feel like what I have to say would really help someone. That has happened exactly TWICE during my last nine months of going to AA meetings.

I've lived such a sheltered and boring life that it's very difficult for me to identify with people's circumstances. All I can offer to most discussion is immature conjecture. But that's so damn annoying! I don't want to be annoying ...

There's nothing more disconcerting to an AA group than a period of more than ten seconds of silence during a discussion meeting. People squirm in their seats. The meeting leader glances at people to encourage them to speak. Everyone feels uncomfortable. In AA, nothing is more intolerable than silence.

But I don't understand why. I happen to LIKE silence. In many Asian countries, silence is considered good. It's peaceful, contemplative, and means that you care enough about the subject to pay it thoughtful consideration without forming premature judgements about it. I prefer this interpretation of silence.

I feel just as uncomfortable sharing as other people feel uncomfortable with silence.



Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 190 days sober
• getting to a meeting tonight
• talking with other alcoholics
• my nice family and sweet dog
• the cool people who read my blog
• that in my understanding, God's motto is the same as AA's: "Keep Coming Back"

silence

Silence is the answer to many problems.

Silence is also the cause of many problems.

Silence prevents the utterance of destructive words, but causes the turmoil of bitter misunderstanding.

Beware of silence. At times a shield, at times a sword, silence is more powerful and dangerous than it seems.

the most important prayer EVER

Dear God,

As I go through this difficult day,

Please keep your arm around my shoulders,

and your hand over my mouth.

Fhmph-amen!

It's been an interesting past couple of weeks, and what a long strange trip it's been. I desperately need to learn how to shut up. I wish they had a way to remove a person's ability to communicate. I need to have my ability to communicate removed for several months. Maybe a year. Maybe longer.

Maybe some surgeons could temporarily remove the part of my brain used for communication. That's kind of drastic though ...

Perhaps I could start a fashion craze by wearing duct tape over my mouth and non-removable mittens on my hands so that I can't type or write. But then, I suppose, I'd simply find a way to type with my toes ...

Okay, well maybe I just need to grow. (Onoz! ANYTHING but that!)

It looks I'll be needing this prayer more than any other for a long, long time.

"Healthy Relationships", Peggy Walton

Your partner wants you to realize your dreams and will do anything to help achieve them.

They are self-sufficient and complete human beings. If not, then you must neglect part of yourself in some way to compensate for their deficiency.

They take responsibility for their own happiness. It is not your job.

They don't use negative tactics for getting their own way or dominating you. Criticism, put-downs, guilt, shame, intolerance, neglect, combativeness, aggression, and threat; the list goes on. Silence can be a negative tactic, if there is communication that needs to take place, and so can defensiveness.

When they speak to you, it is always with love, acceptance and approval.

They support and respect your ideas, beliefs and wishes no matter how different from their own.

Your self-esteem improves when you are together.

Your circle of friends grows.

They do little things to please you.

When something bothers you, they are truly concerned.

They help resolve problems.

They help you find time for yourself. Without this you will never grow.

They share in responsibilities, even with things that are unpleasant or mundane.

Your time is just as valuable as theirs.

They give you freedom to try new things, take chances and to make mistakes. Human beings are constantly evolving and are not meant to be caged physically, emotionally or psychologically.

In short, they provide the security, love and nurturing that is required for you to soar where life itself is wonderful and the relationships are an added bonus. Because you are willing to do the same for them, the relationship will continue to scale new heights while love, honor and respect grows deeper and broader.

From: http://www.soberrecovery.com