don't like these feelings

I don't like how I'm feeling today. Rejected, unwanted, deficient, used, etc. And because I don't like how I'm feeling, my impulse is to change it ... that's not a good place for an alcoholic to be.

Rejection is one of those really difficult feelings to work through.

Rejection means that there is something wrong with me -- I'm deficient ... I'm inadequate. If only I was better in some way, then I wouldn't have been left behind.

There are so many "If only's ..."

"If only I was prettier ... "

"If only I was smarter ... "

"If only I was more successful ... "

"If only I had (this) or (that) ... "

And the list goes on and on forever.

I'm starting to hate the word "acceptance", because that's the answer -- but it's a damn ugly answer. I want the answer to be "Here, drink this and those feelings will go away." But no. It doesn't work that way.

The answer is this: I have to accept that something good is over. I don't want it to be over, but it is. "Why" doesn't matter. "How" doesn't matter. It's just over.

"Deal with it" ... but it hurts too much to deal with it ...

"It will be different this time"

A video game was supposed to come out today. I've been looking forward to it for a few months now. Best Buy advertised a special sale on it, starting today. So I looked it up on the internet first to see if they had it. The website indicated that a store across town had the game in stock. So I drove all the way over there (borrowing my mom's cool car) ... and sure enough, they didn't actually have it.

This always happens whenever I try to get a video game on its opening day. It doesn't matter which game, or which store. The advertised "Sale Starts August 30" is never right. I've been through this ten times in the past year.

You'd think that I would have learned my lesson by now.

But I thought it would be different this time.

Isn't that the Big Book's definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time?

Each time I drank, I knew deep down inside that "it will be different this time". I knew I'd be able to stop after a drink or two. But I never could! Even after two years of continually breaking "just one drink" promises, I still believed the "it will be different this time" lie.

Just today, a huge mega-craving hit when I left Best Buy. I was in an area where I used to purchase much of my alcohol. And I was stupidly alone. My two thoughts were:

• Nobody has to know about it.
• It will be different this time.

What a load of bull. But I was so close to believing it.

I'm so frustrated with myself. How could I have possibly entertained the notion again? Why am I so stupid? Will I ever learn?

It's like realistically entertaining the notion of plunging your hand into a boiling pot of water because you think that "it will be different this time, and it will feel good" regardless of the fact that your hand is nearly burned off from previous attempts.

There's simply nothing as frightening as losing your sanity -- even if it's only on occassion during cravings.

Will these mind-bending cravings ever end?

Of Oddness and Flowers

I keep hearing in AA meetings, "the obsession to drink was lifted". That always baffled me when I first started the program, because drinking had been a constant obsession for a very long time.

Just the other day, I was marveling at the fact that I didn't want to drink after getting my feelings hurt in the "Disney Child" incident. Months ago, getting my feelings hurt would have given me the inspiration I needed to hit the liquor store. But drinking never even crossed my mind in this case.

So I got to thinking that maybe the obsession to drink had been lifted for me. But last night, something odd happened.

Just when I was trying to fall asleep last night, a craving hit hard from out of nowhere. I knew that drinking would ruin everything in my life, but within seconds I had convinced myself that everything was already ruined. I didn't want to fight it anymore. I wanted to get lost in that numbing, senseless world again and let the current world and all its troubles slip away. All I could think about was how much I wanted that vodka, and I could even taste it in my mind. I just wanted to escape.

I didn't have the will to fight it. But a memorized passage from page 43 of the Big Book popped into my head:

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

And I remembered that I am powerless over alcohol to the point of insanity, and that only God can help me. So I prayed until I fell asleep. Everything was fine this morning.

There was no reason for this to happen. Yesterday was a good day. I had lots of fun. I was happy. So I don't understand why the craving hit, or more importantly, why I didn't have the will to fight it. That scares me.


In lighter, happier news, my precious mother brought me beautiful flowers and an adorable card! How sweet of her! No offense to anyone out there, but I have the best mom in the world.

Here's a picture of the flowers & card:

Thanks, mom! :)



Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 129 days sober
• having the best mom in the world :)
• the program of AA, and the Big Book
  
• my loving family
• my adorable collie, who helps me to see what unconditional love is like
• my sweet boyfriend
• God, who got me through another craving sober
  

Little Flashback

This morning, I experienced a little flashback to the old "drinking days".

I was drinking out of a bottle of water. When I pulled the bottle from my lips, the suction created a "thooom" sound that echoed through the bottle.

I heard that sound alot when I was drinking. That sound meant that I had just taken a burning swig of vodka. It always burned my throat, sometimes so badly that it made me gag. And with each swig came the shame of knowing that I was losing myself and unable to stop.

I'm so grateful to be sober today. I don't have to take those burning swigs of vodka anymore. I no longer need to run, or hide, or lose myself.

Whew!

It's been a busy weekend! But it's been great. Best of all, I'm still sober and not letting this disease kick my butt.

The odd cravings are occurring more frequently. But they're getting much easier to deal with. It really helps to be hanging out with someone who is also in the program and also trying to stay sober. The additional accountability is awesome. I know that I can't get away with pretending the disease isn't there and "accidentally" ordering a margarita ...

I'm grateful for this experience in my life.

Well, it's better than being set on fire ...

Yesterday was a great day, and everything went well. I was happy. But for some reason yesterday afternoon, The Craving hit like a ton of bricks.

The wheels started turning in my head, "Go on, you need a drink. Nobody has to know. It will be fun! Just a few sips won't hurt." I even started thinking about the closest liquor store, and how I could drive there so easily. I felt guilty for just thinking such thoughts. Then the guilt made me feel like I needed to drink. (I didn't "need" to drink until the guilt crept in)

Nothing brought it on. I was HAPPY. There was no reason to even think about it. It just hit from out of nowhere.

So I called another alcoholic with many years of sobriety, and she said it was normal and that it still happens to her even after all these years.

In a way, that's comforting. But in another way, it's kind of depressing. I don't want to have these experiences for the rest of my life. "Normal" people don't have to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it either. It's upsetting ...

I should just be grateful that the problem is with craving alcohol -- and not with enduring chemo or skin grafts. "Normal" people don't have to deal with that either. But on the grand scheme of putting up with shitty deals, my problem isn't really that bad.

Today, I am grateful for:

• not drinking yesterday
• being 55 days sober
• being able to call other alcoholics
• having an amazing and wonderful guy in my life who mysteriously cares for me in spite of myself
• my awesomely cool family
• my sweet puppy, who has no idea what's going on, and just wants to play :)
• the cool people who read my blog
• God, who I will never understand. But I like it that way.
  

The Unexplained

An interesting thing happened yesterday that I can't explain:

I woke up happy. I was a bit bummed out because I missed my favorite AA women's meeting, but I was happy all day. Then I went to an AA speaker meeting at 5:30. The speaker was interesting and inspirational, but for some reason, my emotions went downhill. During the meeting, I got more and more sad. When I left, I was entirely depressed.

On the way home, the skies were darkening for a storm. (It's naturally stormy in the evenings here at this time of year.) I was driving down a happy, twisty road that I like. But from out of nowhere, I heard the most disturbing sound I've ever heard in my life.

At first, I thought it was a siren for an emergency vehicle, so I looked around for flashing lights. But then the sound took an unearthly, surreal tone and sounded like hundreds of people screaming. Mind you, I was driving in my car down a street where there were no people. It only lasted for a few seconds. But the sound was so loud, it shook me to the core. I think several other drivers heard it too -- because everyone stepped on their brakes at that same time and veered in their lanes. It helps to know that others heard something too -- otherwise I'd question my sanity.

It freaked me out, and I drove home like a bat out of hell. A storm was moving in. The scary kind. But I managed to get home before it hit, and even then, the worst of the storm missed our house.

But as I was driving home, I pondered what that sound was. I wondered if it was a premonition that something terrible had happened at home. So I drove faster. Then my mind wandered off in depressive mode. I started missing my ex, and hating -- absolutely HATING myself for the mistakes I'd made in our relationship. I was absolutely seething in anger toward myself. If I could have torn into my chest and ripped my heart out, I would have.

The feelings followed me all the way home. But once home, the intense anger left. I was just sad. I'm still sad today even though I know I shouldn't be.

Don't really know why I shared this ... I guess it just bothers me.

Being Thankful

I am taking too much for granted. There are so many things to be thankful for. Sure, my off-the-wall emotions are tearing me up like a bulldog destroying a newspaper. But that's okay. I've got a roof over my head, a loving family, financial stability, and a broadband connection It doesn't get much better than that! :D

Really though. Just got to thinking earlier about how wonderful it is to finally be able to sleep through the night -- without "coming to" at 3am to gasp for air because my body forgot to breathe. It's great to wake up in the morning without needing a drink to calm my trembling hands, pounding head, and churning stomach.

The amazing thing is, I no longer need to take a drink to function through a day ... and that is a priceless miracle in itself. I never thought I would be able to function for any length of time without a drink. It's great to see that it's possible now.

Emotional Rollarcoaster

I haven't felt proper emotions for over a year. Now I'm starting to feel everything all at once in some kind of delayed reaction, and it's very overwhelming. I have no idea how to cope with it all.

I'm either:
1) completely apathetic
2) feeling emotions of love and devotion that I should have felt a year ago but was too numb to feel them at the time
3) feeling incredibly hurt, sad, angry, lonely and confused all at the same time

The opposite ends of the emotional spectrum alternate every five minutes. My brain is misfiring or something ... and I feel like I'm going crazy. It CAN'T be possible to live like this!

Some days ...

Feeling restless, irritable, and discontent today. So tempted to throw my hands up and walk away from everything. I don't want to drink. I just want to get away.

Been sober for 30 days straight. Again. Everybody congratulated me when I picked up my 30-day medallion at AA this morning. But it feels so unsettling for some reason. If I hadn't relapsed, I'd be celebrating four months of sobriety instead of one. I hate these stupid "anniversaries".

Just feel angry at myself for relapsing over something so trivial and stupid. "OMG my boyfriend left me and I wanna dieeee!" "I've lost my best friends booo hoooooo!" "I feel so lonely ONOZ!" Whatever. Emotions are stupid. Feelings are stupid. Life is stupid.

Whenever you're happy, sadness of equal intensity will follow. And vice versa. So if you just don't allow yourself to get happy over anything, then you'll never be disappointed when it all comes crashing down on you. Because in the end, it all comes crashing down. Always.

Nothing good ever lasts. So you can either enjoy it while you have it, then get devastated when it's over ... or you can refuse to acknowledge it, and never notice when it's over.

The choice is always the same: dare to be happy, or "play it safe". I'm tired of making that choice ... I want to run away and hide.

The Battle Against the First Drink

Alcoholism is a battle against taking "the first drink".

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals -- usually brief -- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better (30).

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people! (31)

We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition (31-32).

What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends who have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking? (35)

Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else? (37)

But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge (39).

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power (43).

"Normal" people can take a first drink, and stop halfway through. They can walk away from a beer or a glass of wine that is only halfway consumed -- and think nothing of it. They can walk away and never give a second thought to the remaining contents of that glass. Normal people can do that. Alcoholics cannot. An alcoholic would AGONIZE over leaving anything behind -- it is the ultimate torture.

Once a tiny bit of alcohol reaches alcoholic blood, it unleashes a true "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde" transformation. The alcoholic loses all control.

For an alcoholic, that first drink is symbolic of jumping off a cliff: once I jump, I will fall until I hit the ground. I cannot "control" my fall -- I am powerless over gravity. In the same way as an alcoholic, I am powerless over alcohol. And once I take that first drink, I will lose control over my alcohol consumption, and I will drink until physically incapacitated.

To make matters more complicated, the alcoholic mind is bent on denying the facts. Right now as I write this, I know that I can never take even a tiny sip of alcohol. If I do, I will lose control of my drinking and I will "fall" until I hit rock bottom. But in a few hours (or even minutes), vivid thoughts of enjoying a glass of wine will fill my thinking. I will smell it, taste it, and even feel the rush from the alcohol through my veins. I will begin to feel that I can control my drinking this time, and I will seriously consider drinking. I will devise plans and excuses to make that drink possible. My mind will obsess over it until I arrive at an emotional breaking point.

That's precisely why they say that alcoholism is a mental illness -- a type of insanity. Regardless of what I know to be true, I will convince myself otherwise. It's only by the grace of God that I abstain from alcohol. If left to my own devices, I will drink today.

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power (43).

I am unable to stay sober on my own power. Even with everything I know about alcoholism -- my mind will inevitably twist it, and I will fall again.

I hear in AA that we must begin and end every single day on our knees in prayer. We begin the day asking God to keep us sober, and we end the day by thanking Him for keeping us sober. And the more that I practice this, the more I see how vital it is.

Every sober day is a true miracle. It's a battle that has been won with God's help. I'm grateful to have that help available to me today.

So you want to get drunk?

So did this guy. You'll either think it's very funny, or very sad.

When I look at it from the perspective of, "Hey, that used to be me," then I think it's funny -- especially with the music they added. On the other hand, I feel so sorry for that guy ...

Is that really what you want for yourself?

Starting Point

Alcohol destroys everything. It doesn't just destroy the life of the alcoholic -- but the lives of all around. The more you drink, the more people and things you destroy.

From my personal experience:

You don't want to hurt anyone you love, and you don't want to lose anything important to you. But you don't know how to get through the day without drinking. The very idea is similar to getting through the day without breathing. You can't just "not breathe". You can't just "not drink" either.

So you drink. That hurts people you love -- you end up saying or doing stupid things that hurt their feelings. You feel awful about that. You hate your behavior, and you feel like a monster.

You try to stop drinking to prevent further devastation. You know it's bad for you and bad for those around you. But you still don't know how to get through the day without drinking. You may be successful for a while, but you're obsessed with drinking. Thousands of thoughts whirl around in your head but the only stable thought is for another drink. The entire world is a blur and doesn't matter anymore -- the bottle is the one and only thing in focus.

At your wit's end, you reason, "Okay, I'll just have one drink. I won't get drunk this time." In no time after taking the first drink, you have finished twenty drinks and are staggering drunk and saying stupid things that hurt people again. You know you've failed again, and you know that you've become a worse monster than you were before. You are out of control.

The cycle repeats endlessly and gets progressively worse. This is how you change emotionally:

You become consumed with self hatred, cynicism, depression, passive-aggression, anxiety, and rage. You are a monster. Whatever friends you haven't scared off yet perceive you as a volatile emotional leach and burden. You know that you are a complete loser and a freak. Every time something goes wrong, it's proof that you're a blundering idiot. You are convinced that you're a terrible, horrible, worthless, stupid, miserable failure of a human being who should have never been born. In your mind, that is who you ARE -- it is the identity you have created for yourself through your alcoholism.

It makes no sense! But this is my personal starting point. It's not the "prettiest" nor "ugliest" of other people's stories I've heard. But it's my own -- everyone's story is different. Everyone has different issues. My issues often pale in comparison to everyone else's.

Some people lose their entire families, all their friends, their homes, their jobs -- everything -- and end up destitute. I was fortunate just to lose two people: a lying boyfriend who cheated (probably with a different random chick each day of the week), and a mutual friend who tried to be friends with us both. It was probably beneficial to everyone for those relationships to end, but I wish they didn't end as the result of an abusive drunken rage.

But in all "stories", it becomes obvious that simply stopping drinking won't fix everything. As destructive as it was, drinking was really only a symptom of other underlying issues. Continuing to drink prevents all hope for ever healing. But at least getting sober gives us a chance -- regardless of our starting point.

Powerlessness & Unmanageability

The first time I decided to get sober, it was to make my then-boyfriend happy. That wasn't such a good idea. As soon as we broke up, I drank again and terribly upset my mom.

So then I decided to get sober to make HER happy. Also, in the back of my mind, I hoped that if I got sober, my boyfriend would want me back. That was also a dumb idea.

The cravings had only gotten worse over the past two weeks. I was getting desperate. I wanted to validate my right to drink by placing the blame on my ex -- that I wanted to drink because "he hurt me".

With that excuse yesterday, I got a bottle of vodka, got drunk, behaved like a complete idiot and unintentionally verbally/emotionally hurt people I cared about, humiliated myself, blacked out, got a knife, and slashed up and down my arms until I passed out.

Well that was a fantastic way of handling things, wasn't it? But that's exactly what I did, and it reflects the insanity of this disease.

As a result of this episode, I have learned:

1) Unless I choose sobriety as a gift to MYSELF, for MYSELF, and of MY CHOICE -- I will never stay sober. Sobriety can't happen unless YOU are desperate enough to "go to any lengths" for it.

2) Unless I come to peace with my resentments, I will ALWAYS be tempted to drink.

3) There is no such thing as "drinking because of" someone or something. I drank because I wanted to. Nobody held a gun to my head. It was my CHOICE, and *I* made it.

4) Drinking didn't solve the problem. It didn't make me feel better. It made everything 100 times worse. When you feel that "Oh my Gawwwwwd I need to DRINK!" feeling, it means you are certifiably INSANE and should be locked up in a padded room for your protection (and the emotional protection of those who care about you).

5) Self mutilation is a pathetic form of emotional attempted suicide. You're not going to die; you're not going to correct past wrongs. You're just going to wake up covered in blood wondering why you were so STUPID to do that to yourself. It hurts like hell and the scars will last for years. And WHAT did you accomplish? Nothing? Thought so.

6) Most importantly, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of EVERYTHING. I'm sick of my life, of being out-of-control, of constantly craving something I can't have, of hurting myself and everyone around me. If I can't stop drinking, I need to die. It would be better to die than to continue living in this insanity, ruining my life and the lives of those I love.

I think "Step 1" is slapping me upside the head at the moment. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." If this isn't the PICTURE of powerlessness, unmanageability, and downright insanity, I don't know what is.


This is all very humiliating and I didn't want to share it. But if it helps someone stay sober another day, it's worth sharing.

Sober another day :)

Today, I really wanted to drink.

It was a sad and stressful day today. Sad from the pain of losing my best friend/boyfriend last week, and stressful for reasons related to finding a job (and I MUST find one -- I put in two weeks' notice at my current job) -- but especially for knowing that a beloved family member is going to have surgery tomorrow. This kind of stuff makes me want to drink.

Went to two AA meetings today. In fact, I've attended two meetings every day for the past week. The meetings seem to help. Simply talking with other alcoholics and getting to know them better helps me to feel less ... "freaky". They say that during the first several months of sobriety, you go a little crazy (well, in the words of an old-timer at a meeting tonight: "you go absolutely bat sh*t crazy"). Mentally, you still think like a drunk person thinks, and you respond to situations in similar ways that a drunk person would respond (though with a tiny bit more control). But emotionally, you feel as if you are allergic to your own skin. You don't know who you are anymore. You don't feel comfortable existing -- which is exactly how I've been feeling since I stopped drinking in January.

And all this time, I thought there was something wrong with me personally. There were several times in which I thought I was literally having nervous breakdowns. It helps to know that all of the emotional/mental discomfort I've been experiencing is completely NORMAL and will PASS.

Getting through these past few days without a drink has been pure hell. Heck, I've somehow lost 10 pounds over the past week through remorse, guilt, worry, etc. But I'm SO glad that I abstained from the drink. Thanks to God for helping me through.

To anyone else out there struggling, just remember: "You don't have to drink today."

71 Days

I've been sober for 71 days now. Is it getting easier? Well not really. Some stressful events have crept up into my life, and I've spent the past few years coping with stress by drinking. Now that I can't drink, it simply makes me want to drink MORE.

It has kept coming into my head over the past few days: "Stop by the store, get a bottle of wine ... it's ONLY wine ... it can't hurt ... "

But the Big Book says: "No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death (30)."

Okay, so even a tiny bit of alcohol would ruin me. Then why -- when I know it will ruin me -- am I still tempted to drink? Why do I want to drink? My outlook of the future is pessimistic enough as it is, but the future isn't doomed to failure UNTIL the first drink is taken. BEFORE the first drink, there is still some hope left. But even now that I'm writing this, I still want to drink. I just don't understand ...

Perhaps the stress from feeling our lives "out of control" makes us feel hopeless. In the past week, I've had two disturbing dreams that left me with feelings of hopelessness:

1) I dreamed I was in my house, and I was looking out the window into a big field across the street. I just so happened to be looking out the window when I saw two skydivers jump out of an airplane. They fell and fell and fell ... but they didn't open their parachutes until right before hitting the ground. I knew for sure that they were both hurt, or maybe even killed. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911 as I ran out into the field to try to help. As I arrived on the scene, a man was there already, mourning, beating his chest, and tearing at his hair at the sight of the two mangled bodies of his sons. (How did I know they were his sons? It was just a feeling.) I felt uncomfortable there -- like an intruder as he greived. But I wished he had not seen the bodies in such a mangled and gruesome state. I wanted to cover them to spare him the horrific sight, but it was too late.

2) I dreamed that I was standing on a street corner. There were many people walking up and down the sidewalk. Suddenly one person caught on fire. Nobody else noticed, and they just kept walking down the sidewalk. I couldn't move to help. She simply caught on fire and desperately tried to extinguish the flames by rolling on the ground and beating her clothes. But they burned off, and soon her skin melted away, exposing muscle and bone to the flames. She just kept burning and struggling until she died. Then someone else caught on fire -- and like the previous person, nobody noticed.

I have no idea what these dreams mean, but they both seem to be about hopelessness, powerlessness, and very gruesome types of death. I hope I don't have another one.

Surely our own lives are not so hopeless. We can make decisions, although they sometimes seem insignificant. But the decision of whether to drink -- in the case of an alcoholic -- is a major decision that either removes all hope, or sustains what little you have.

Musings regarding purpose and hope

i haven't kept a journal since i was a kid, and this is personal stuff, so i'm reluctant to share it ...

i've failed to be the strong person that i need to be ... i've failed to be a NORMAL person ... i feel so broken, so helpless, so lifeless ....

it makes me stop and wonder about my purpose in life, and why my mind is filled with haze ... i've never felt so lost before. it's like i'm watching life happen as if it were a bad dream, too scared to act out. i watch situations unfold before me and feel powerless to influence them. i look down at my hands and remember their ability to build or destroy, and realize that my life itself has that same power. my very existance can build good things, or it can destroy good things. right now, i'm destroying good things, and wondering why i can't stop.

i've been drinking alot. i've tried to stop numerous times, but have been unsuccessful. although i was able to stop drinking for 12 days -- that's the best i've done so far.

i don't know what to do ... i don't know who to turn to ... but i can't bear to see everything continuing to crumble before me ... my hands can't fix it, and my heart is becoming more and more crushed, and that bottle is looking more and more like a savior ... if i drink enough, it will end everything ... if i can't fix it, oh please let it end ...


______________________
POST SCRIPT:

October 29, 2006 - A Year Later - Now Six Months Sober

I wrote this entry drunk. One would think that someone this desperate to stop drinking would be ABLE to stop drinking. But after I wrote this entry, I continued to drink even harder than before. Things got much worse. This entry illustrates the insanity of alcoholism and the hopelessness it generates. It's a miracle that I survived three more months of that worsening desperate state to get into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This entry mentions that I was unable to get sober or to experience peace in my life, and I wanted to die. Today, I can honestly say that my life is completely turned around. I don't have to drink anymore. I have the desire to live. I'm learning how to be helpful to others. I experience serenity and contentment, even when things don't go my way. Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the tools I need to live a successful sober life. If it can do that for me, it can do it for anyone.