and this too shall pass

After a lovely weekend, it was time to make the three-hour drive back home. I know this drive well. I take the same familiar route almost every weekend.

I headed out west on a beautiful day. Puffy, white clouds floated through the blue sky. There was a hint of rain on the horizon ahead.

Brand new green grass waved in the rolling fields. Spring flowers were scattered everywhere -- in the fields, in the trees. It was a gorgeous spring day and a delightful drive.

I rounded a turn, dipped down into a hill, and climbed upward. Upon reaching the hill's crest, the clouds in the distance suddenly seemed uncomfortably dark, close, and foreboding.

The hint of rain showers gave way to a storm. The storm was heading my way, and I was heading its way. We would soon meet on the road.

The closer I got, the darker the clouds seemed. Bold strikes of lightning ripped through the sky. Thunder rattled my mirrors. Wind tore through the trees.

I considered taking a detour. But even if I did, I would still be stuck driving in the storm.

I considered turning around. But even if I did, the storm would have followed me.

I considered stopping. But even if I did, I would be stuck in the storm and making no progress.

So I steadily traveled on the trusted route that I knew would take me home. First, there were only a few sprinkles. But then as quick as a switch, an unforgiving torrent blasted the road.

I was nervous while driving through the storm. I was scared of the storm itself. Nature is a force best left unchallenged. I was scared of the other drivers around me. Traffic is a hazard best left untrusted.

I kept driving. The rain would start to ease, but immediately pour down again. I wondered how long this storm would last.

But slowly the lightning became less frequent, the downpour eased to harmless sprinkles, and the wind became gentle once again. The clouds brightened and thinned to reveal the beautiful blue sky hidden behind them. It had been there all along. Hidden, but there.

And once again, brand new green grass waved in the rolling fields. Spring flowers were scattered everywhere -- in the fields, in the trees. It was a gorgeous spring day and a delightful drive, again.

I realized my experience driving through the storm is very similar to weathering life's storms. There is always the instinct to turn away from the trusted road when I find myself in undesirable situations. But I know the way to go.

When weathering a storm, I must keep doing the next right thing: "And this too shall pass."

need a job? apply directly to the website, apply directly to the website, apply directly to the website

Apply at fifty thousand websites, and maybe you'll get a call back within the next year or so. At least, that's how it feels sometimes. Most employers won't take paper applications anymore -- it's all done online, which reduces the face-to-face interaction that many job seekers would like. First impressions used to be personal. Now they're Word documents. I'm just one of a million résumés floating around in cyberspace. Plus it's not exactly encouraging to read that the US lost 17,000 jobs last month. I get to compete with those people too.

But I am grateful that I can meet this opportunity head on (pun intended), without retreating to a bottle. When I graduated from college, I was drinking. I only applied to two or three places within a four-month span. I was afraid to apply because I was afraid of rejection. When nobody responded to my applications, I gave up the job search and got a job in retail. I had to apply online for that job too, lol!

So now, I've lost count of how many applications I've completed within the past month. I usually find one or two each day. I don't fear the rejection anymore. I choose to see it as "God doing for me what I cannot do for myself" -- eliminating the jobs where I don't belong. It's not so bad when looking at it that way.

I can't wait to relocate. I really want to be with my fiancé. I just wish one of these employers would respond to my application. Or perhaps, I need to apply to the "right" place ...

You know, I didn't pray for patience for a reason. I don't like lessons in patience. I don't want lessons in patience. But maybe we just learn what God wants us to learn, when He wants us to learn it. "Not my will but Yours be done."

a big change

My boyfriend and I got engaged :)

I haven't posted much because I've been so busy. Engagement and wedding planning etiquette has always been uncharted territory for me. Some ladies plan their weddings during their childhood and teenage years, but I was pessimistic and afraid to hope for good things. Me, a bride? Ha! Never.

But now that an actual wedding is on the horizon, I am discovering that there is so much to do. It's a good thing we are planning a spring 2009 wedding!

My fiancé moved to a city 3 hours away last fall. So I'm looking for a job there. I'm not having any luck yet. It's discouraging, but that's okay.

I've never been engaged before. I've lived here in this town since I was 6 years old. I've lived in this house with my parents for 15 years. This is my first time to leave their house. It's also my first time to move to a new city.

New relationship situation, new living situation, new city, new job. There is some amount of fear in all of that. It's not a bad thing -- it's just a big change.

We've gone to some AA meetings in the new city. I like them -- everyone is really nice. The meetings there are similar in structure and atmosphere, so there is no "culture shock". They have an Alano club that hosts meetings every day at various times. That's great since I don't know my way around town yet -- I can go to one place for all of my meetings.

Thanks to all who emailed and posted comments. I will try to write when I can. Still staying sober with God's help, one day at a time.

and lo, the overtime cometh

It's that time of year at work again. That wonderful time of year. Our jobs -- no -- our very lives -- exist for the sole purpose of making it happen.

The first half of the year is spent recovering from last year's event. The third quarter is spent in preparation for the current year's event. The fourth quarter is the event itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now "The Busy Season".

The stress affects people in different ways. Some people leave the company, others drink, and others cower under their desks in a fetal position until it's all over.

There will be casualties in this fierce office warfare. But there will also be heroes.

A perseverant few will remain to fight on the front lines. They will brave the savage domestic battles for meeting rooms, parking spaces, administrative jurisdiction, and coffee. They will assist bewildered customers, beguile stubborn computers, wrestle renegade staplers, and supplicate jammed copiers.

The thrill of victory is theirs! They will make miracles happen!

They will all probably get laid off next year, but that isn't the point ...

The relevant point is -- this will be a schedule change for me. I will still be able to go to my regular meetings, but I might fall asleep through them. "Quiet time" will be non-existent. I will eat, sleep, and breathe "work" until next year.

In some ways, I welcome this change. In other ways, I dread it.

Either way, I am where I am for a reason ... and that's a good thing.

stuck between a rock and a hard place

"Problems cannot be solved by the same level of consciousness that created them."

-- Albert Einstein

" ... unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery ... once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."

-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxvi - xxvii

I'm afraid of change, but I need to change.

... and another door opens

Every time a door closes, another one opens.

A door closed for me, and I don't like what's behind the newly-opened door. I knew beforehand that this was going to happen, and I thought I could handle it. But now that it has actually taken place, I can't handle it. I absolutely hate the way things changed. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Because I can't control anything but my own actions, I have to decide what to do next.

I'm torn between two extremes:

1. mourn the loss excessively, as if my entire life is ruined forever; or
   
2. cut my losses and decide that what I lost was stupid and never mattered anyway.

Neither extreme is really truthful. My life isn't "ruined forever", although it feels that way. And what I lost wasn't "stupid" -- it did matter, and it still matters, otherwise I wouldn't feel hurt.

There's an honest middle-ground somewhere. I've never been one for finding it. It's easier just to give up and take an extreme than to fight for balance over that complicated middle ground.

I'd love to go to a meeting, but I'm sick with some sort of cold/flu/plague thing that was graciously shared with me by a coworker last week. Being physically sick doesn't make this any easier.

In the end, it's all about acceptance and honesty. It's not about how I see it or how I want it to be, it's about how it is ... and I don't like it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can; and
Wisdom to know the difference;
Living one day at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He would make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

keeping busy

Well it's been a LONG few weeks. But things are going well.

Right now, my life consists of two main time periods: Weekends and Workweeks.

Two weekends ago, I flew halfway across the country for my grandmother's funeral. Her service was beautiful. I'm very grateful that I got to go. It was nice to see my extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles) again. I had not seen some of them since I was a little kid.

Last weekend, I got to ride out of town with my boyfriend on his Harley to see his family. It was my first 1,000-mile ride on the bike. I loved it! I also went to my first "out of town" AA meeting. That was cool.

This weekend, we rode with some motorcycle club friends. There's just something unexplainably fun about tearing down the road in a pack of roaring Harleys. It is also my sister's birthday -- she is very happy and had a good time today.

But as for the workweek, well, they're torture. Work has become increasingly stressful. I'm grateful to have a job, but sometimes it feels more like the job has me. Unfortunately, I have done so well that they keep adding to my responsibilities. But it's better than job hunting ... anything is better than job hunting.

To make workweeks more unpleasant, my boyfriend got a new job in a city 2 hours away, so I only get to see him on the weekends. He's been commuting through the week. But he's getting ready to move away ... I'm trying not to feel sad about that.

I find myself dreading the future. The Big Book says that as we work through the end of Step 9, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." But I feel that way about the future -- I regret the future and I wish to shut the door on it.

I don't want things to change. They aren't changing for the better for me. It will be better for someone else, but not for me. But it isn't fair to expect every situation to fall into my favor. I guess I should find consolation in knowing that someone I love will benefit from it.

Anyway, it's getting late ... I'm off to bed!