the lost Dr. Seuss poem

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, she is the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!

Thank God for meetings ... I'm about to snap.

Actually, my boss is great. And her bosses are great. It's just the rest of the company (and the mean, cruel policies) that I can't stand.

I have one of those Human Resources positions where I constantly witness extreme disparity.

One minute, a clerk making $6/hour calls to ask why she wasn't issued any vacation for the year, because she hurt her back and our company doesn't provide Sick time to clerks. I have to explain that she didn't work enough hours to earn the vacation ... she missed it by a few hours. She complains, asks me how she's going to pay her bills, and hangs up scared.

The next minute, a millionaire executive calls to complain that he was only issued 4 weeks of vacation instead of 6 -- and how is that $250,000 bonus going to affect his 401-k? I want to beat the bloody hell out of him, and let the clerk throw a few punches too.

The disparity pisses me off. The policies are bullshit. They're designed to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. I simply can't put up with it anymore. It's wrong. It isn't fair.

I understand that every company operates like this, but I wish I worked in a position where I didn't have to see it. Because when I see it, I want to do something to fix it ... but I can't. Nobody listens, nobody cares.

And that sucks.

I'm not cut out for this type of job. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't wait to leave.

used

Well apparently I've done a very good job at work. I received an excellent job review and lots of praise from my supervisor and bosses.

The impossible project they assigned to me is going well, despite the fact that I'm having to reinvent the wheel to make it happen.

I started to feel unappreciated though, when I didn't receive a salary increase with my job review. They said it was because I was promoted within the past six months, so I got my salary increase at that time instead. I didn't really like that answer, but I didn't say anything and went along with it anyway.

And then they issued the company-wide bonus checks yesterday. It's the big Annual Bonus Check. The magical check. The check everyone looks forward to receiving -- the Mark Grizwold fantasy bonus check (see the movie "Christmas Vacation").

Mine was for $25. Everyone else's was for much, much more.

I can't help but feel terribly insulted ... I didn't get a performance raise, I didn't get a bonus, and they assigned me a project that is too work-intense for them to do themselves, and too difficult for my coworkers to do. That should be worth something right?

I wanted to tell them to reverse that bonus check -- because it's insulting and I don't want it. That seems to be pride. But what's the difference between pride and standing up for yourself?

I'm not the kind of person to complain. But I really want to quit. I'm so tempted to walk away. But that would be irresponsible on my part without having another job lined up.

I don't like being angry ... I don't like making a fuss ... but I don't like being taken advantage of either.

I feel like I should say something. But I'm afraid that if I open my mouth, I'll say something regrettable. It's hard to find "balance" in something like this.

A year ago, I was so thankful to get this job. I felt so lucky to finally have a job. And although I'm still thankful to be employed, I'm resentful toward the way I'm being treated.

Maybe it's time to be thankful to get a job somewhere else.


_________________________________
Note Added: October 19, 2007

I went in for a one-on-one progress meeting with my supervisor today. I was considering telling her about how I felt. But so far I hadn't mentioned any disappointment to anyone.

My supervisor entered the meeting room, but then she was followed by another supervisor, the manager, and the director. It was either going to be very good news or very bad news.

They explained that everyone received bonus checks, but mine was small because I was hired a few days after the start of the 2006 financial year. And they didn't think it was fair that my bonus was so small due to a minor technicality.

They presented me with a "Thank You" card that they had all signed, and it contained a Visa gift card for $100.

I'm very glad that I didn't voice the disappointment I felt yesterday.

It's hard to know when to shut-up and when to speak-up. Maybe that's one of those things that comes with time?

and lo, the overtime cometh

It's that time of year at work again. That wonderful time of year. Our jobs -- no -- our very lives -- exist for the sole purpose of making it happen.

The first half of the year is spent recovering from last year's event. The third quarter is spent in preparation for the current year's event. The fourth quarter is the event itself.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now "The Busy Season".

The stress affects people in different ways. Some people leave the company, others drink, and others cower under their desks in a fetal position until it's all over.

There will be casualties in this fierce office warfare. But there will also be heroes.

A perseverant few will remain to fight on the front lines. They will brave the savage domestic battles for meeting rooms, parking spaces, administrative jurisdiction, and coffee. They will assist bewildered customers, beguile stubborn computers, wrestle renegade staplers, and supplicate jammed copiers.

The thrill of victory is theirs! They will make miracles happen!

They will all probably get laid off next year, but that isn't the point ...

The relevant point is -- this will be a schedule change for me. I will still be able to go to my regular meetings, but I might fall asleep through them. "Quiet time" will be non-existent. I will eat, sleep, and breathe "work" until next year.

In some ways, I welcome this change. In other ways, I dread it.

Either way, I am where I am for a reason ... and that's a good thing.

and suddenly i was surrounded with champagne ...

I was finally able to make it back in to work yesterday & today. The cold I had last weekend turned into a sinus infection, which is disgusting and miserable, but not contagious. It was nice to be back at work.

They had a celebration at work today, and we were all supposed to report to the lobby at a certain time. I left my desk at the last minute and went to the lobby.

Suddenly, I was surrounded by hundreds of glasses of champagne. They filled half a dozen tables. People were passing the glasses around for a toast.

I felt alot of pressure to take a glass like everyone else. To everyone else, the champagne was as harmless as water. I looked into those bubbly glasses and thought about how nice it would be to take one. Surely one little glass wouldn't hurt.

But I didn't take a glass. My thinking made me nervous, so I slipped out the door and went back to my desk without anyone seeing me leave.

I felt ashamed that I was unable to stay. But the whole situation caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting to be surrounded by hundreds of glasses of alcohol, especially at a work function. Maybe if I had known about it beforehand, I would have done better.

Anyway, I'm grateful to be sober today, and to be alive. An acquaintance of mine (who was a very close friend of my boyfriend's brother) was shot and killed today. A disgruntled employee came into the workplace and shot several employees. Two lives were ended, countless lives were changed forever. Just like that.

It helps to put things into perspective ... all of my loved ones are alive and well today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.



Today, I am grateful ...

• to be 546 days sober
• that all of my loved ones are alive and well
• that the police caught the murderer
• that I was able to work yesterday and today
• that I have a job, and people look to me for help
  
• for video games ... an old favorite of mine kept me well-entertained during my sick days away from work
• for the medicine the doctor prescribed for my sinus infection ... it seems to be working
• that I was able to pay off my car (no more car payment!)
  
• that God's plans are better than mine
  

of colds and biohazard suits

I'm so sick this weekend, I need one of these hats:



And I have a resentment.

I caught some sort of cold/flu/plague thing from a coworker. Many people consider it rude to come to work when you're sick. But not where I work!

Because our cheap company does not provide adequate sick time, sick employees are always crawling into work sneezing and coughing all over the place. It's not an office -- it's a germ factory.

This pisses me off.

Sure, my coworker could have taken a sick day. But she would have to work ten 40-hour weeks to earn another sick day. 400 hours for one 8-hour sick day! What a ridiculous policy! I can't fault her for coming to work sick.

All of the employees are reluctant to use their sick time. They want to save it for a real emergency (such as hospitalization).

In my hiney whiney crybaby little opinion, companies providing lousy/nonexistent sick time policies should at least provide the following:


(1) Spray cans of disinfectant:


(2) Hand sanitizer:
(3) SARS masks:

(4) Biohazard suits:

Okay, so the biohazard suit may be a bit overboard.

At least the SARS masks are moderately fashionable. The style would catch on in no time. I guess I could start a fashion trend at work and start wearing one myself.

Overall, I'm just feeling disappointed. I missed out on alot of special things this weekend, and I'm frustrated.

My homegroup had a special "eating meeting" and speaker, I really wanted to go. My boyfriend moved away today, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I had to use half a sick day on Friday -- it will take 5 weeks to earn it back.

Geez I feel like throwing a tantrum. It sucks to be sick. It sucks even more when it stops me from doing what I want to do.

off day

Sometimes I really want to talk to people, and other times, I wish I could disappear into the wall. Tonight was one of those nights where I was glad to be at a meeting but I would have given anything to be invisible.

There was no valid reason to feel like this.

Work has been uncomfortable for the past month. One of my coworkers pretends that I don't exist. It started on my first day on the job: every morning for the past six months, I'll smile and say "Good morning" to her and she completely ignores me -- for the entire day, regardless of what I do or say -- she pretends I'm not there. She does this to several other people too ... so whatever it is, it's her problem. And management keeps assigning mind-numbing projects to us ("Here, put these 7,000 dusty file folders in alphabetical order -- by Friday. Oh and don't fall behind on your regular work. No overtime is allowed.").

For the most part, I'm not having a hard time with work. Yeah, sometimes it gets under my skin when my coworker repeatedly ignores me. But whatever ... she has her issues, and if I feel offended by her issues, my that's my problem. And sometimes it gets under my skin when management imposes ridiculous deadlines for seemingly never-ending mundane tasks. But that's what management is for. Their job is to keep me busy.

Sometimes I worry about the future. All of these worries are self-centered fear. I'm afraid of losing something. But when I consider how a change of circumstance that causes me to lose something could possibly benefit someone I love, I become willing to let go ... and I stop worrying about it. It's difficult to let go and STAY that way. I keep taking it back. That annoys me. This stuff is so hard to let go of and so easy to take back.

But when I remember the hell my life was when I was drinking, and consider the miracles that have happened in sobriety ... these silly annoyances don't carry so much weight anymore. I have choices today that I didn't have before. I've found a new source of security that can't be shaken by anything or anyone -- unless I allow it.

Lately, my days have mostly consisted of repeatedly stepping away from the center of the universe. Because as the day goes on, I'll somehow float back to the center, and once again find myself expecting the universe to revolve around ME. Then I'll have to step aside again. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." I have to make that decision many times every day.

And it all comes back to the meeting tonight. Even at the "meeting before the meeting" ... I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be there with everyone because I love them and deeply care about them ... but I felt so uncomfortable that I only wanted to watch from a distance, and I was absolutely miserable the entire time. This feeling comes and goes at random. I really didn't want to feel this way tonight. I hated every second of it. I still don't understand what this feeling is or why it keeps coming back.

my workdays aren't so bad after all

Over the past few weeks, work hasn't been all that great. I was tempted to feel sorry for myself.

Then I came across this video.

The poor weather man is truly, truly, TRULY having a much worse workday than I've ever had!

Click Play to watch below, or [Click Here] to view at Google Video.

Okay, I don't feel sorry for myself anymore! I love my job and I'm not so bad at it!

conditional happiness in cubicle world

Work is becoming increasingly hectic, so they had us come in this morning to work half a day. Yeah, I wanted to gripe and grumble, but I've worked most of my life in retail where I had to work morning and evening shifts on both Saturdays and Sundays every weekend ... so working 8-12 on a Saturday morning really isn't that bad in comparison.

But one of my favorite meetings is Saturday morning at 10am. As I watched the clock hit 9:15, the idea came to mind that I could bail out of work and go to the meeting. But after looking at the amount of work there was to do, I decided I'd put that decision off until I got more work done. The meeting was only a ten minute drive away.

When the clock hit 9:40, I really wanted to bail out of work and hit the meeting. At 9:50, I was overcome with that frantic newcomer feeling of "needing" a meeting (but that was just my alcoholic thinking kicking in: If I want something badly enough, I need it). I missed the people at that meeting and I really wanted to see them. And I knew that if I rushed out the door quickly enough I could make it in time.

But was it really all that crucial? The day before, I promised my boss and coworkers I'd work 8-12. My coworkers certainly weren't leaving -- they were working hard. I knew I'd feel guilty if I left early.

So I decided to stay at work. And I was pissed. I didn't want to be there. I really didn't want to be there.

"If only I could go to the meeting, then I'd be happy ... " But no, not really.

Then I realized I was placing conditions on my happiness:

"IF this happens, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF I get that, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF they do this, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF only I could do/be/become that, THEN I'll be happy."

Conditional happiness is never good. It requires an initial state of dissatisfaction: I won't be happy until I get what I want.

One problem with that kind of thinking is that it's cyclical. As soon as one demand is reached, another is generated, so I still won't be happy. Instead I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. Then I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. So I'll end up never being happy.

Looking for happiness is like conducting a solo but desperate search over hundreds of square miles of dangerous terrain to find my lost shoes -- while entirely oblivious to the fact that I'm already wearing them. Happiness doesn't need to be chased. It doesn't have to be acquired or purchased. It doesn't have to depend on the actions of other people or on the outcome of situations. It's always there in any circumstance -- I just have to be willing to recognize it.

Until I learn to be happy today, where I am, with what I have, with things being as they are, with people being who they are, I will never be happy.

Sometimes it's easy to experience contentment in any situation. Sometimes it's not so easy. But today I managed to be happy at work, albeit after a rough start -- but still, I'm grateful for that today. I'll make that meeting next week.

three surprises

Today was full of surprises, but three of them stood out the most.

This morning, rush hour decided not to be so difficult, so I got to work 30 minutes early. I sat in my car and read some devotionals.

When I felt "ready" to go on into work, I got out of the car and was immediately greeted by my bosses' bosses' bosses' boss ... a company VP. I had no idea who she was at first.

As we stood there in the parking lot, she introduced herself and shook my hand. Not only did she already know my name, but she complimented me over how I handled a situation during my first week there. I was shocked! That's surprise #1.

At the end of the work day, my coworker (mentioned in this other post) who had refused to speak to me for three weeks -- actually spoke to me! As she got up to leave today, I turned my head to say "Have a good night" -- but she beat me to it! She said it first. I was shocked again! That's surprise #2.

I'm grateful to be sober, because if I had been drinking, I: 1) wouldn't have this job anyway; 2) wouldn't have handled the VP-mentioned situation properly; and 3) would not have responded appropriately to my coworker's silence.

Those were just little things, but sometimes little things carry unexpected significance.

Then I went to a Step Study meeting tonight. It was on Step 3: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

We read a part out of the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions that hit me hard:

" ... Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God -- or if you like, a Higher Power -- into our lives. Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives" (p.34).

I have felt for a long time that I had already taken steps 1-3 "in my heart". But tonight I saw that my thinking has been full of self-will.

For example, I haven't been working with a sponsor. Why? I blamed it on several things. They're too hard to find. I don't have time. I asked about a dozen people in the past two months and they all turned me down or referred me to someone else because they don't have time for another sponsee. I was scared of being rejected again. But all of those reasons could be summed up with one word: "pride". If I had been more humble, I would not have let excuses stand in the way, and I would have asked many more people instead of my selective few.

It is only by taking action that I can cut away self-will ... hrmm ...

So after the Step Study meeting -- which was a HUGE meeting with about 100 people -- I stuck around and asked someone what I needed to do to get a sponsor. I had never asked about getting sponsor at this particular meeting before. I was shocked when the actual lady I asked was willing to give me a shot! That's surprise #3.

Surprise #4 will be if she decides to keep me! Or perhaps that would be a blessing of God's grace instead.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 201 days sober
• realizing that my ideas have been wrong
• finding someone who was willing to sponsor me
• experiencing a day of surprises
• God, who somehow has this all planned out

just for today

Some words of wisdom, from AlAnon:

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I think I can fit alot of meetings in! Maybe I can get some sleep too. I'm so tired!

For the most part I'm just grateful to be sober, and to have experienced peace today.

I sense that a coworker of mine hates me. She mistrained me a few times over the past week, the most recent time being blatantly intentional. She won't look at me or talk to me -- even when I say, "Good morning". At first, I was tempted to get upset and offended. But now, all I can see is the pain and fear inside of her. I can't feel angry or hurt when I see that someone is suffering. I need to grow and become helpful.

At the same time, I am responsible for my own serenity. I cannot allow the actions of other people to affect my serenity, whether for better or for worse. My serenity must be based on something immovable and timeless -- something that never changes. From that point, life can crash or fly ... but serenity would always remain balanced.

And now I'm just typing because I'm exhausted and can't think of anything else to say. It's time for bed ...


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 197 days sober (in dedication to an AA buddy, those would be "197 DAMN days" sober!)
  
• Alcoholics Anonymous and AlAnon
• going to my favorite AA meeting tonight: "If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it." This group makes people want it!
• the wisdom and generosity of other recovering alcoholics
  
• prayer
  
• finding a way to accept a few initially unwanted circumstances and find gratitude in them
• my loving and supportive family
• my adorable dog
• my coworkers ... even the troubled ones
• God, because He makes serenity and peace possible
  

day one at planet cubicle

My career experience up until now has been running cash registers and stocking aisles with merchandise. This is my first job at a cubicle farm. It's so different.

First of all, a giant room filled with a maze of cubicles creates an unnatural feeling. It's like walking into a rat maze. There must be a bit of cheese to find somewhere. Then there are the meetings -- the senseless waste of time meetings. "We're having a small meeting to prepare for the BIG meeting later this afternoon about the office Halloween party." Eh? I'm accustomed to being bullwhipped into working FASTER and getting stuff DONE. This slow-pace environment is so different.

Something interesting: When I worked in retail, I used to HATE the people at the corporate office. They got paid holidays off while my friends and I had to work. I grumbled and groaned and absolutely hated those spoiled-rotten-retail-corporate-office-jerks.

And now, I have BECOME one of those spoiled-rotten-retail-corporate-office-jerks! It's an odd feeling, because I vividly remember the animosity I had toward people who "had it better than me". I think I still harbor that same kind of animosity in different ways. I need to cut that out.

I wrote up a schedule for AA meetings that I can attend around my job schedule. There's a good meeting I can attend every day of the week -- except for Mondays. There's only one group I can attend on Mondays, and I've been there several times before. But it has always given me the creeps! I don't know if it's the strange church or the odd layout of the meeting, but something about it doesn't feel right. Maybe I just need to get over it and make myself go anyway.


Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 186 days sober
• my nice family
• the nice people who read my blog
• viewing something I once hated from the other side
• experiencing a new situation that requires me to place trust in God
• not falling down dead on my first day at work (I've got a cold/flu/thing)
• going to bed early tonight
• God, who must be laughing at me (but that's okay) :P
  

hrm ... what would you do?

Well, my first day of work went okay. I was sick as a dog though. This was terrible timing to catch a cold!

I really don't like the idea of spreading germs, but staying home sick on one's very first day at work might make a worse impression.

What would you do? Would you call in sick on your first day at a new job, or show up anyway?