been there, done that, here's a teeshirt

And of course, it wasn't nearly as scary as I made it out to be. I've been worried all week ... for that?

Over the past few weeks up until recently, I felt such a connection with God that nothing worried me. I was fine whether the best happened or the worst. It's interesting how "this too shall pass." And that's okay. It just makes for a more interesting learning experience.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 234 damn days sober
• working a step with my new sponsor
• having a sponsor
• having more stepwork to do
  
• the Big Book
  
• getting to talk with another alcoholic today
• getting to go back to work tomorrow. I have a job!
  
• awesome AA buddies, online and off
• my dog -- he's feeling better
• caffeine
• Starbucks -- my favorite source of caffeine
• my car works! Woohoo!
• my family supports me in my recovery
• God, because He has provided a program that gives me hope
  

tgfc

TGFC: Thank God for Coffee! I'll be needing it over the next few weeks. My department will be working 7am-7pm Monday-Saturday through the end of November ... and possibly into December. Yippee. I'm just grateful to have a job, to be paid by the hour, and that I can still squeeze in my regular 8:00 meetings.

It was another awesome meeting at my homegroup tonight. I'm so grateful for everyone there! I feel like such a newbie. I can't read the Big Book fast enough, though I've read it already a few times. It's just too much to remember.

I read the Big Book before I came to my first AA meeting. I didn't want to bother going to an AA meeting without knowing if it could help me. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. But I considered AA to be just a punishment for drivers charged with DUI/DWI -- that REAL alcoholics (such as myself) are hopeless nutcases who either drink themselves to death or die in asinine accidents worthy of Darwin Award nomination.

If not for the Big Book, I would have never come to believe that anything could restore me to sanity. But when I read the Doctor's Opinion and Bill's Story, I saw that I shared a common experience -- and then I saw hope! When it said at the end of Bill's Story that he was the founder of AA, I cried out of gratitude for the first time in a long time. I came to believe that AA could help me.

So I don't understand how or why newcomers keep coming back to AA meetings when they haven't read the Big Book yet. If all I did was come to my first meeting, be accosted by an overzealous mob of well-intentioned people, and read the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on the wall, I would have been scared off. The mob would have been instantly written off as fanatics.

Besides, what is so hope-spawning about the Steps or Traditions for a newcomer? What alcoholic has ever enjoyed reading rules and guidelines anyway? Sure, we also read the Ninth Step Promises, but those sound like too-good-to-be-true sales pitches to newcomers. Maybe I'm too cynical, but that would have also turned me away if I had not already been convinced that the program works.

We all arrive to AA in our own unique ways, and no one way is better than another. I guess I'm having a hard time identifying with newcomers who didn't arrive at AA the way that I did. I don't really know what to say or do to encourage them. I really don't understand why they keep coming back.

What made you keep coming back?


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 211 days sober
• going to my homegroup tonight
• AA buddies online and off
• my cool family
• finally finding out what's been making me sick (I've been breathing insulation in my car ... the vent is spewing particles and small chunks into the cabin, but I didn't notice until recently when I started my car in the daylight.)
• getting to sleep in tomorrow
• God, who provides what I need (not necessarily what I want) when I'm ready to handle it
  

Lyrics: "The Glass Prison", by Dream Theater

I. REFLECTION

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Been beaten to a pulp
Vigorous, Irresistable
Sick and tired and laid low
Dominating, Invincible
Black-out, loss of control
Overwhelming, Unquenchable
I'm powerless, have to let go

I can't escape it
It leaves me frail and worn
Can no longer take it
Senses tattered and torn

Hopeless surrender
Obsession's got me beat
Losing the will to live
Admitting complete defeat

Fatal Descent
Spinning around
I've gone too far
To turn back round

Desperate attempt
Stop the progression
At any length
Lift this obsession

Crawling to my glass prison
A place where no one knows
My secret lonely world begins

So much safer here
A place where I can go
To forget about my daily sins

Life here in my glass prison
A place I once called home
Fall in nocturnal bliss again

Chasing a long lost friend
I no longer can control
Just waiting for this hopelessness to end


II. RESTORATION

Run - fast from the wreckage of the past
A shattered glass prison wall behind me
Fight - past walking through the ashes
A distant oasis before me

Cry - desperate crawling on my knees
Begging God to please stop the insanity
Help me - I'm trying to believe
Stop wallowing in my self pity

"We've been waiting for you my friend
The writing's been on the wall
All it takes is a little faith
You know you're the same as us all"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone

Enter the door
Desperate
Fighting no more
Help me restore
To my sanity
At this temple of hope

I need to learn
Teach me how
Sorrow to burn
Help me return
To humanity
I'll be fearless and thorough
To enter this temple of hope

Believe
Transcend the pain
Living the life
Humility
Opened my eyes
This new odyssey
Of rigorous honesty

Serenity
That I never knew
Soundness of mind
Helped me to find
Courage to change
All the things that I can

"We'll help you perform this miracle
But you must set your past free
You dug the hole, but you can't bury your soul
Open your mind and you'll see"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone


III. REVELATION

Way off in the distance I saw a door
I tried to open
I tried forcing with all of my will but still
The door wouldn't open

Unable to trust in my faith
I turned and walked away
I looked around, felt a chill in the air
Took my will and turned it over

The glass prison which once held me is gone
A long lost fortress
Armed only with liberty
And the key of my willingness

Fell down on my knees and prayed
"Thy will be done"
I turned around, saw a light shining through
The door was wide open

--

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 200 days sober
• my cool brother, for introducing me to awesome music that I otherwise would not have found
• my supportive family
• the nice people who stop by this blog
• nice warm AA meetings on cold nights
• seeing a guy pick up a white chip tonight
• seeing familiar faces at the meeting tonight
• God, because He speaks to us in so many different ways. We can hear when we listen ...

humbling experience

Something happened tonight that I have never seen before, and I hope I never forget.

I went to a discussion meeting. A nice lady apologetically arrived a few minutes late. She appeared to be in her mid-30's. When the discussion opened, she introduced herself as "Jen" and said she took her last drink eleven hours ago. She was from out of town and was temporarily staying with her parents in town. They were planning on seeing a doctor on Tuesday to consider her options for treatment.

But as the meeting went on, her hands started to tremble. Then they started to shake. The people sitting on each side of her took her hands and held them in their own. Soon she was shaking so hard that even they couldn't keep her hands still.

The meeting leader (a 30-year sober old-timer) told her that her physical condition was becoming serious, and that she needed to get to a hospital or treatment center immediately. Everyone in the room agreed with him.

But she said she was afraid it would make her parents angry. Her parents did not believe her when she told them she was an alcoholic. They refused to allow her to even propose alcoholism as a potential condition, even though she told them about her drinking habits and withdrawal symptoms. But even as she spoke, her whole body started going into convulsions. Still she kept on speaking as if nothing was wrong. It took everyone in the entire meeting to convince her that she needed to get medical help.

A few people shared their experiences with needing medical help during withdrawal, one guy saying that when he was in similar shape, his blood pressure was high enough to suffer a stroke or heart attack. She finally agreed to get medical help. The meeting leader cut the meeting short and several members arranged to get her to a center.

She was still worried about making her parents angry.


---


I do not know what to say. I never experienced the withdrawal symptoms that she did, and I have never seen anyone in that condition. What really struck me was that she was so concerned about the possibility of angering her parents for seeking medical help. Most people do not understand that alcohol withdrawal can be medically endangering. Some people literally DIE when they stop drinking: The mortality rate for delerium tremens ("the DTs") is 35% for those who do not receive medical help, and 5% for those who receive early help.

I feel bad that her parents did not support her. I also feel bad for her parents, because although I am sure that they love her, they are facing the shock of social stigma. That is why they so vehemently denied her confession of being an alcoholic.

It is terribly unfortunate that society places such a negative stigma toward alcoholics. If she told her parents that she had developed a phobia or a type of depression, they would have accepted her condition and supported her with open arms. But alcoholism is simply dirty in the eyes of society. It throws unaware loved ones into denial over an alcoholic's condition, and it prevents many alcoholics from seeking help. Alcoholics do not want to have that negative stigma applied to them, and they do not want to disappoint, dishonor, or humiliate their families. So it is only out of true desperation that alcoholics finally come to their families for help. Being told, "No, you're not an alcoholic" or being otherwise shunned is scarring. They are ashamed of themselves enough already.

I did not want that stigma applied to me, and I did not want to dishonor my family, so I spent a year trying to stop drinking on my own. I repeatedly failed. The longest I could stay continuously sober was 12 days. I was too ashamed and did not want my parents to know that their beloved daughter -- an honors student in college and national champion Tae Kwon Do Master -- was an alcoholic. I strived to make them proud all my life, but I felt that my alcoholism would result in ultimate disappointment. I could not do that to them. I admitted my alcoholism to the few close friends who knew of my drinking, but I never accepted it. I did not want to be an alcoholic. It was not until I became desperate enough to stay sober that I became willing to be an alcoholic.

I am still willing to be an alcoholic. Because now that I am willing to embrace the truth about myself, I am empowered to recover and to spiritually grow. Recovery and growth are impossible for someone in denial or resentment of their condition. I do not deny my alcoholism, and I do not resent it either. I embrace it. I would not change it for the world. Now I can grow, rise out of the shame, and finally experience peace.

I am very fortunate that my parents accepted me with open arms when I told them about my alcoholism. I was more worried about dishonoring them than anything else. But at least now, the lie is over, so I can make my parents proud for who I really am, and not for who I pretended to be. I am also very fortunate that I did not experience extreme physical withdrawal symptoms. I do not understand why I was spared while others were not spared, but I am grateful.

Anyone who reads this, please, if you could, remember "Jen" and her parents in your prayers.


Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 192 days sober
• meeting "Jen" tonight
• being willing to be an alcoholic
• having a supportive family
• being reminded of the preciousness of sobriety, and the desperation of alcohol's influence
• God, because He has provided a way to live
  

First Step Officially Taken

Believe it or not, I haven't actually "officially" worked any steps with a sponsor yet ... until tonight. Why so late? Well if it were up to me, I'd be on step 12 already. But it's a good thing that the timing is not up to me ... it's up to God and my sponsor.

So my sponsor and I went through Step 1 tonight: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable."

I'm glad to have finally finished something "officially" -- although I realize I will need to take this step repeatedly. It's the most dangerous step to forget. It's why so many people with various years of sobriety end up drinking again. They forget that they are powerless over alcohol, and they believe they can control themselves. But they never can ...


Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 83 days sober
• completing Step 1 "officially"
• my gracious sponsor
• the program of AA
• my sweet boyfriend
• my precious family
• my adorable puppy
• the beautiful weather
• air conditioning
• the awesome people who read my blog
• God, who won't leave me alone (even if I want him to)
  

Bad Management

Went to a meeting today. I needed it! The discussion topic was unmanageability. The first step of AA:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

So the discussion revolved around how our lives had become unmanageable.

My life as an active alcoholic was definitely unmanageable, although at times I did not want to admit it. I had a job and was paying my bills. I had a boyfriend and was functioning through life.

But that little bit of control was soon lost as I continued to drink. I started having relationship problems and quit my job. I started drinking so much that doing simple things -- like writing out a grocery list or filling out a job application -- were almost impossible. My head was too foggy to think straight and my hands couldn't stop shaking.

One time in particular, the only way I could fill out a job application was by taking a few drinks first. But then because I filled out the application while drunk, I couldn't remember what I'd written on the application during the job interview.

My behavior is unmanageable when I drink. Once I take a drink, I will keep drinking until I get sick and pass out. I can't control it. I don't want to control it. At this point, I just want to stay away from it. I can't control what happens once I take a drink. But I CAN control what happens leading up to that point.

All of this time so far in my sobriety, I have been believing that I'm powerless over alcohol, but only once it hits my lips.

But recently I've been wondering if my life is still unmanageable. Even though I'm no longer drinking, I still feel powerless in my life. I feel that I am mis-managing my life. I don't know how to do this correctly.

A minor annoyance, I still have difficulty with the physical task of writing. Gripping a pen and forming legible scrawl takes so much more concentration than it used to before I started drinking. It's difficult to simply sign my own name. I hope it gets better eventually.

More upsetting, I'm starting to see how my drinking has affected my dog. I was drinking alot during his first year -- his most formative year. As a result, he did not receive the attention and training he needed from me.

Now he's two years old, weighs over 80 pounds (a healthy weight for his breed), and doesn't know how to behave. He dragged mom down the street today and tore her knee up on the hot asphalt.

That wouldn't have happened if I had been sober when he was younger. I feel terrible that he did not receive the training and discipline that he needed from me. We never really think about how our drinking affects our pets, but it does.



Today, I'm thankful for ...

• being 68 days sober
• AA
• carpal tunnel wrist braces
• my beloved William
• my patient family
• my sweet puppy, who loves me for some unknown reason
  
• God, who has a plan for all of this craziness

The Battle Against the First Drink

Alcoholism is a battle against taking "the first drink".

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals -- usually brief -- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better (30).

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right-about-face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people! (31)

We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition (31-32).

What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends who have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking? (35)

Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else? (37)

But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge (39).

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power (43).

"Normal" people can take a first drink, and stop halfway through. They can walk away from a beer or a glass of wine that is only halfway consumed -- and think nothing of it. They can walk away and never give a second thought to the remaining contents of that glass. Normal people can do that. Alcoholics cannot. An alcoholic would AGONIZE over leaving anything behind -- it is the ultimate torture.

Once a tiny bit of alcohol reaches alcoholic blood, it unleashes a true "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde" transformation. The alcoholic loses all control.

For an alcoholic, that first drink is symbolic of jumping off a cliff: once I jump, I will fall until I hit the ground. I cannot "control" my fall -- I am powerless over gravity. In the same way as an alcoholic, I am powerless over alcohol. And once I take that first drink, I will lose control over my alcohol consumption, and I will drink until physically incapacitated.

To make matters more complicated, the alcoholic mind is bent on denying the facts. Right now as I write this, I know that I can never take even a tiny sip of alcohol. If I do, I will lose control of my drinking and I will "fall" until I hit rock bottom. But in a few hours (or even minutes), vivid thoughts of enjoying a glass of wine will fill my thinking. I will smell it, taste it, and even feel the rush from the alcohol through my veins. I will begin to feel that I can control my drinking this time, and I will seriously consider drinking. I will devise plans and excuses to make that drink possible. My mind will obsess over it until I arrive at an emotional breaking point.

That's precisely why they say that alcoholism is a mental illness -- a type of insanity. Regardless of what I know to be true, I will convince myself otherwise. It's only by the grace of God that I abstain from alcohol. If left to my own devices, I will drink today.

The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power (43).

I am unable to stay sober on my own power. Even with everything I know about alcoholism -- my mind will inevitably twist it, and I will fall again.

I hear in AA that we must begin and end every single day on our knees in prayer. We begin the day asking God to keep us sober, and we end the day by thanking Him for keeping us sober. And the more that I practice this, the more I see how vital it is.

Every sober day is a true miracle. It's a battle that has been won with God's help. I'm grateful to have that help available to me today.

Starting Point

Alcohol destroys everything. It doesn't just destroy the life of the alcoholic -- but the lives of all around. The more you drink, the more people and things you destroy.

From my personal experience:

You don't want to hurt anyone you love, and you don't want to lose anything important to you. But you don't know how to get through the day without drinking. The very idea is similar to getting through the day without breathing. You can't just "not breathe". You can't just "not drink" either.

So you drink. That hurts people you love -- you end up saying or doing stupid things that hurt their feelings. You feel awful about that. You hate your behavior, and you feel like a monster.

You try to stop drinking to prevent further devastation. You know it's bad for you and bad for those around you. But you still don't know how to get through the day without drinking. You may be successful for a while, but you're obsessed with drinking. Thousands of thoughts whirl around in your head but the only stable thought is for another drink. The entire world is a blur and doesn't matter anymore -- the bottle is the one and only thing in focus.

At your wit's end, you reason, "Okay, I'll just have one drink. I won't get drunk this time." In no time after taking the first drink, you have finished twenty drinks and are staggering drunk and saying stupid things that hurt people again. You know you've failed again, and you know that you've become a worse monster than you were before. You are out of control.

The cycle repeats endlessly and gets progressively worse. This is how you change emotionally:

You become consumed with self hatred, cynicism, depression, passive-aggression, anxiety, and rage. You are a monster. Whatever friends you haven't scared off yet perceive you as a volatile emotional leach and burden. You know that you are a complete loser and a freak. Every time something goes wrong, it's proof that you're a blundering idiot. You are convinced that you're a terrible, horrible, worthless, stupid, miserable failure of a human being who should have never been born. In your mind, that is who you ARE -- it is the identity you have created for yourself through your alcoholism.

It makes no sense! But this is my personal starting point. It's not the "prettiest" nor "ugliest" of other people's stories I've heard. But it's my own -- everyone's story is different. Everyone has different issues. My issues often pale in comparison to everyone else's.

Some people lose their entire families, all their friends, their homes, their jobs -- everything -- and end up destitute. I was fortunate just to lose two people: a lying boyfriend who cheated (probably with a different random chick each day of the week), and a mutual friend who tried to be friends with us both. It was probably beneficial to everyone for those relationships to end, but I wish they didn't end as the result of an abusive drunken rage.

But in all "stories", it becomes obvious that simply stopping drinking won't fix everything. As destructive as it was, drinking was really only a symptom of other underlying issues. Continuing to drink prevents all hope for ever healing. But at least getting sober gives us a chance -- regardless of our starting point.

Leaving Lies

To live
And not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy

To run
To run away
To find what you believe

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist

So I run
I run away
To the light of masochist

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

And I walked this line
A million and one f*cking times

But not this time

-- Excerpt from "Jesus of Suburbia", Green Day


When I was drinking the most, I listened to this part of the song repeatedly. He's referring to leaving a broken home. But feeling so overcome by alcohol, I interpreted those words with a different meaning for myself: leaving a broken life.

As a result of living under the power of alcohol, I felt like I was alive, but not really living.

I felt like my entire life while drinking was a "hurricane of f*cking lies". I knew it, and I wanted to leave it.

I felt like "I lost my faith" to something that didn't exist.

I felt like "I walked this line a million and one f*cking times". I couldn't wait for the day when it would be time to walk the line again, but I would finally have the strength to say "But not this time" ... and walk away from the drink once and for all ...

Powerlessness & Unmanageability

The first time I decided to get sober, it was to make my then-boyfriend happy. That wasn't such a good idea. As soon as we broke up, I drank again and terribly upset my mom.

So then I decided to get sober to make HER happy. Also, in the back of my mind, I hoped that if I got sober, my boyfriend would want me back. That was also a dumb idea.

The cravings had only gotten worse over the past two weeks. I was getting desperate. I wanted to validate my right to drink by placing the blame on my ex -- that I wanted to drink because "he hurt me".

With that excuse yesterday, I got a bottle of vodka, got drunk, behaved like a complete idiot and unintentionally verbally/emotionally hurt people I cared about, humiliated myself, blacked out, got a knife, and slashed up and down my arms until I passed out.

Well that was a fantastic way of handling things, wasn't it? But that's exactly what I did, and it reflects the insanity of this disease.

As a result of this episode, I have learned:

1) Unless I choose sobriety as a gift to MYSELF, for MYSELF, and of MY CHOICE -- I will never stay sober. Sobriety can't happen unless YOU are desperate enough to "go to any lengths" for it.

2) Unless I come to peace with my resentments, I will ALWAYS be tempted to drink.

3) There is no such thing as "drinking because of" someone or something. I drank because I wanted to. Nobody held a gun to my head. It was my CHOICE, and *I* made it.

4) Drinking didn't solve the problem. It didn't make me feel better. It made everything 100 times worse. When you feel that "Oh my Gawwwwwd I need to DRINK!" feeling, it means you are certifiably INSANE and should be locked up in a padded room for your protection (and the emotional protection of those who care about you).

5) Self mutilation is a pathetic form of emotional attempted suicide. You're not going to die; you're not going to correct past wrongs. You're just going to wake up covered in blood wondering why you were so STUPID to do that to yourself. It hurts like hell and the scars will last for years. And WHAT did you accomplish? Nothing? Thought so.

6) Most importantly, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of EVERYTHING. I'm sick of my life, of being out-of-control, of constantly craving something I can't have, of hurting myself and everyone around me. If I can't stop drinking, I need to die. It would be better to die than to continue living in this insanity, ruining my life and the lives of those I love.

I think "Step 1" is slapping me upside the head at the moment. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." If this isn't the PICTURE of powerlessness, unmanageability, and downright insanity, I don't know what is.


This is all very humiliating and I didn't want to share it. But if it helps someone stay sober another day, it's worth sharing.

Like a Ton of Bricks

Yes, I am an alcoholic. Two years of uncontrollable drinking has unfairly hurt those around me. After getting terribly drunk last weekend and having an argument with a dear friend, it finally hit me what I had been doing. Although for months he had been asking me to get help, I never did – until a few days ago.

I went to the website of Alcoholics Anonymous (http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org) and started reading the “Big Book”. The “Big Book” is like the Bible of Alcoholics Anonymous. You can read the Big Book online here: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Reading that book helped me to see that my drinking IS stoppable. I CAN take control over my life again. All this time, I had been afraid to disappoint my family with the truth. I had been hiding it all. But the hope that I had found from the “Big Book” coupled with the determination to stop hurting those around me gave me the strength to go to my family and confess my drinking. They lovingly accepted me and loved me far more than I deserve. They are helping me to get better one day at a time.

Am I ashamed to be an alcoholic? No. I am not happy about it either, but I have decided that good things CAN come from this situation. I can’t change my past, but I can control my future. And I can help other struggling alcoholics to discover the most important thing that I am learning: there IS hope.

I’ve typed out some excerpts from the Big Book that really hit home with me. This is not meant to be a “Cliff’s Notes” version of the Big Book! These are just some quotes from the book that inspired me, personally. You can read the whole book for yourself here: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

(PS - The numbers in parentheses are the page numbers)

Chapter 2: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt2.pdf

An illness of this sort – and we have come to believe it an illness – involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents – anyone can increase the list (18).

What about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.

Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes distinguishingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the clock around. Yet early next morning he searches madly for the bottle he misplaced the night before. If he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away from him to throw down the wastepipe. As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary. But this description should identify him roughly (21-22).

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink (24).

Chapter 3: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt3.pdf

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove that we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals – usually brief- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time we get worse, never better (30).

Chapter 5: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt5.pdf

Remember that we deal with alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power – that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs (58-60).

First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn (62-63).

Chapter 6: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt6.pdf

At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us (77).

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough (82).

Chapter 7: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt7.pdf

After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to! (103)

Chapter 11: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt11.pdf

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find … (164).

Musings regarding purpose and hope

i haven't kept a journal since i was a kid, and this is personal stuff, so i'm reluctant to share it ...

i've failed to be the strong person that i need to be ... i've failed to be a NORMAL person ... i feel so broken, so helpless, so lifeless ....

it makes me stop and wonder about my purpose in life, and why my mind is filled with haze ... i've never felt so lost before. it's like i'm watching life happen as if it were a bad dream, too scared to act out. i watch situations unfold before me and feel powerless to influence them. i look down at my hands and remember their ability to build or destroy, and realize that my life itself has that same power. my very existance can build good things, or it can destroy good things. right now, i'm destroying good things, and wondering why i can't stop.

i've been drinking alot. i've tried to stop numerous times, but have been unsuccessful. although i was able to stop drinking for 12 days -- that's the best i've done so far.

i don't know what to do ... i don't know who to turn to ... but i can't bear to see everything continuing to crumble before me ... my hands can't fix it, and my heart is becoming more and more crushed, and that bottle is looking more and more like a savior ... if i drink enough, it will end everything ... if i can't fix it, oh please let it end ...


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POST SCRIPT:

October 29, 2006 - A Year Later - Now Six Months Sober

I wrote this entry drunk. One would think that someone this desperate to stop drinking would be ABLE to stop drinking. But after I wrote this entry, I continued to drink even harder than before. Things got much worse. This entry illustrates the insanity of alcoholism and the hopelessness it generates. It's a miracle that I survived three more months of that worsening desperate state to get into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This entry mentions that I was unable to get sober or to experience peace in my life, and I wanted to die. Today, I can honestly say that my life is completely turned around. I don't have to drink anymore. I have the desire to live. I'm learning how to be helpful to others. I experience serenity and contentment, even when things don't go my way. Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the tools I need to live a successful sober life. If it can do that for me, it can do it for anyone.