at some of these, we balked ...
From page 58 in the Big Book, in reference to working the 12 Steps:
"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not."
Balk. Like a terrified chicken. "BAWK!" (At least, that's how we characterize it in my home group ...)
I balked from going to a new meeting today. I drove for 35 minutes on beautiful country roads to attend this meeting, but I chickened out. I had been looking forward to attending this meeting for a week.
I'm always nervous to go somewhere new. And I'm always subconsciously looking for reasons NOT to go.
The drive was long. My radio sucks. So I drove in silence.
I don't know about anyone else, but whenever I have too much time alone without other things to compete for my attention, I get caught up in my head. I quickly found a million reasons not to go to the meeting.
Little subconscious worries suddenly blew up into huge fears, ranging from the absurd to the legit. My biggest worries concern things that have not happened yet -- things that only have a 0.0000001% chance of happening, but only if hell freezes over first. Regardless of probability, each worry beckons the insatiable question: "Oh no! What am I going to do about THAT???"
Then all of the insecurities that I ordinarily push out of the way popped up into the spotlight. Little things that embarrassed me lately replayed over and over. My self-confidence shriveled away and I felt like a complete and total idiot.
By the end of that 35-minute drive, I was tired, lonely, stressed, and feeling stupid. I didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to be around other people either.
By the time I finally got to the meeting place, I turned around and went home. It felt like the easier softer way -- at the time.
"Bawk-bawk-bawk!"
I felt stupid for driving all the way out there just to turn around. This isn't the first time this has happened ... I'm supposed to learn from past mistakes, right?
Oh well -- it's just another lesson that whenever a decision needs to be made, the easier softer way can sometimes appear to be the most difficult way.
