Sober since April 6, 2006


Sunday, July 08, 2007

don't like these feelings

I don't like how I'm feeling today. Rejected, unwanted, deficient, used, etc. And because I don't like how I'm feeling, my impulse is to change it ... that's not a good place for an alcoholic to be.

Rejection is one of those really difficult feelings to work through.

Rejection means that there is something wrong with me -- I'm deficient ... I'm inadequate. If only I was better in some way, then I wouldn't have been left behind.

There are so many "If only's ..."

"If only I was prettier ... "

"If only I was smarter ... "

"If only I was more successful ... "

"If only I had (this) or (that) ... "

And the list goes on and on forever.

I'm starting to hate the word "acceptance", because that's the answer -- but it's a damn ugly answer. I want the answer to be "Here, drink this and those feelings will go away." But no. It doesn't work that way.

The answer is this: I have to accept that something good is over. I don't want it to be over, but it is. "Why" doesn't matter. "How" doesn't matter. It's just over.

"Deal with it" ... but it hurts too much to deal with it ...

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