Sober since April 6, 2006


Monday, July 02, 2007

monday blues

Today was tough.

First, my boyfriend is leaving town because he got a better job in a city 200 miles away. Although I'm very happy for him that he's been blessed with this opportunity -- and I've encouraged him to take it -- I'm afraid. I don't like uncertainty. We're going from being 1 mile apart, to being 200 miles apart. Although he sincerely assures me that he wants to continue our relationship, I can't help but wonder how much longer he will feel that way after he's been gone for a few months. On one hand, I'm preparing myself for everything to end. On the other hand, I want to believe him, but I'm afraid to get hurt again. Cynicism feels safer. But cynicism so damn depressing ... Again it's uncertainty. I either have to get over it, or I won't.

Second, "Aunt Flo" showed up this morning -- making me nauseous, weak, dizzy, and feeling as if I had been shot, stabbed, and run over. It's like having the flu ... It made everything else that happened today much more difficult to handle ...

Third, I started a new job at work today. But it was frustrating because even though the appropriate paperwork was submitted weeks ago, I didn't have access to the computer programs and accounts that I need in order to do this job. They didn't even set up my phone until 4:30 in the afternoon. There is so much work to do, but I'm useless for now.

Fourth, there was an incident while taking some coworkers out to lunch today. I offered to drive them. When we parked in the parking lot, one of the ladies could not unfasten her seatbelt. It was stuck. She tried, I tried, another coworker tried -- the seatbelt would not budge.

While I tried to help her out, an idiot in an SUV insisted on parking in the space next to mine -- but my car doors were swung open into that space while we worked on releasing my coworker's seat belt. My "free" coworkers moved out of the space and watched, so I was the only one helping my stuck coworker now.

Never mind the fact there was a perfectly clear space on the OTHER side of my car -- he wouldn't take it because it would mean walking five paces farther than he wanted to walk. The idiot sat there and glared at me for not getting out of his way, and he waited impatiently for me to close my car doors to make room for his fat-ass SUV.

I looked at him, looked at the empty space on the other side of my car, and looked back at him incredulously, wondering, "Is he really that stupid?"

Yes, he was THAT stupid. He inched into the space a bit more and became angry that I wouldn't get out of his way.

There wasn't enough room for him to park where I was working. He could see that I was trying to help someone out of the car, but he didn't care. I was in his way.

I started to panic. The stupid seatbelt wasn't budging. I pushed the button and tugged this way and that, but the buckle was still stuck. My coworker tried to slip under the belt, but instead it tightened around her so that she couldn't move at all.

Then the bastard inched closer to my open door because I wasn't moving out of his way fast enough. I became very angry. There was a free space on the other side of my car -- why wouldn't he take it? Because he was a stupid lazy bastard who believes the world owes him a parking space that's five feet closer to the door -- that's why!

I wanted to yell at him. If he was in my position, I would have offered to HELP him, not run him over. But I didn't say anything or make any gestures to him. I was too scared to stand up for myself. I've always been that way. I'm a bully's favorite pissing target.

The seatbelt simply was not coming off, and I could tell my coworker was starting to panic a bit when it locked tight around her. I opened the scissors on my swiss army knife and cut the seatbelt off. Then I closed the car doors and got out of the idiot's way.

He swung into the space crooked and far off-center -- the typical rude and inept fashion common in this area. Asshole. Not that I have a resentment about this or anything ... (hahaha)

The kicker is that during the drive on the way home, the seatbelt buckle would disconnect and reconnect effortlessly. No problem anymore. But the seatbelt itself has been cut and is useless now ...

But this incident pointed out to me (again) that I need to learn to be more assertive. Otherwise I might go postal on someone one of these days.

Regardless of all the stupid little things going on, I have so much to be grateful for ...

  • I'm 452 days sober
  • I've shared the past seven months of my life with someone special
  • I have a job ... I recently got a promotion
  • I have a car that can take coworkers to lunch (although it tried to trap one of them today, lol)
  • My seatbelt BUCKLE works. Now I just need a new belt ...
  • My coworkers WANTED to go to lunch with me (wow)
  • My family still loves me
  • I can still write when I need/want to
  • Independence Day (US) is coming up. One of my favorite holidays.
  • I'm sleepy, and I can go to bed now ...
  • God, because he's got this stuff figured out in some kind of strategic plan


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Cool. Sounds very human to me.
But yes PLEASE grow a spine as soon as. Or life will kick you very swiftly in the tush. Meaning the 'lessons' will KEEP COMING, if this is something you NEED to learn.
Why not go to some real cheap assertivess class? My god it is really straightforward, so you don't exactly need an expert to teach it. Any old class will do the trick. I always seem to be thinking of ways to ask ? for things in order to address a problem with Sponsees. once you have crafted a few choice requests, it gets a LOT easier. Its just learning the technique in the first place. mind you, some people are completely bulll headed no matter WHAT you say to them. whatever. you will learn it easily I'm sure..
You know some guys are REALLY reliable. They just don't cheat no matter HOW far they are away. Don't let your insecurity gnaw at your insides. Poor thing. It gets better!

Anonymous said...

Why don't you go with him? Are you afraid to leave your current surroundings/routine or are you afraid to ask for what you want?


Jeani said...

It seems like you have a full plate. It's good to hear you are on track.
I agree with the assertivess class idea. I took one in the 1970's and it was very basic and really helped. It was at a recovery treatment outpatient center. Then find a friend to practice with. It works.

simsample said...

I'm going to throw a spanner in the works and say don't worry about being assertive! one thing I have learned is that trying to push back is more often than not the wrong thing to do. You can't change every 'ignorant' person you meet- you're better off being tolerant as you were today and remaining calm. Glad you've updated the blog, I was wondering how you were doing! Good to hear you're doing so well.

Trudging said...

What a great list! You really do have awesome list