emotion switch?

Today I was thinking over some things, and I realized that I have a coping mechanism that I didn't know I've been using.

I can turn my emotions on or off at will. And whenever I reach a point where I'm feeling too many negative emotions, I turn my emotions off. All of them. I become very cold and callous about everything and everyone -- and that sucks -- but it makes the pain go away.

Would that be apathy?

It just seems easier to cut off emotionally and walk away from whatever hurts than to experience those unpleasant feelings and work through them like I should. I don't have any answers yet but I felt the need to spill that out there.

sorry for the slowdown ...

I haven't had much to say in this blog for a while. When I first started blogging about recovery, this blog was my primary contact with other AA's.

When I first started getting sober, I had spent the previous two years of my life practically living online, so the transition into "real life" was scary. I went to AA meetings but I was too scared to talk to anyone or make any friends.

But since last October, I got over that fear -- I had to -- it was the only way I was going to stay sober. So now, I spend as much time as possible with my homegroup members ... and I don't have as much time to devote to this blog anymore.

I'll keep posting things whenever I can, but it's gonna be slow. I just didn't want anyone to think that I've "gone out" or that I don't care anymore.

I'm extremely grateful for this blog and for the online AA's out there ... the internet is a medium largely ignored by many AA's, but it has proved to be miraculous for me. Thanks to everyone who stops by!

rent-a-sponsor

I came across this mock-advertisement in the meeting binder for my homegroup. Thought it was funny, and someone else out there might like it!

so grateful

I'm so grateful for the people in AA. They make me feel like I'm not the worthless piece of sh*t that I feel like I am. I don't get it and I don't understand how it works. But I simply can't express my gratitude for the AAs in my homegroup and the AAs online.

I'm slowly learning how to say in a group that "I'm not okay". It's easier to do online but much more difficult to admit in person. I always want to pretend that everything is fine, because otherwise I'll have to explain what's wrong. I don't do that very well. I usually have no idea what's wrong -- I just feel that something is wrong, there are thousands of things that created that feeling, and I'm confused by it all. I dunno how to put chaos into words. So all my life I've found that it's MUCH easier to pretend that everything is okay. Besides, who doesn't want to be okay? I want to be okay, everyone else wants me to be okay, so fine then, I'll pretend to be okay. (So much for that program of rigorous honesty!)

But this is getting better. People are being patient with me. And I'm starting to get over that fear of exposure. I don't have to present a false front ... and that's a relief.

restless, irritable, and discontent

Feeling restless, irritable, and discontent tonight.

Went to a discussion meeting. It was in one of those formats where each person in the circle is asked to share. I hate that format.

Because then I know when it's going to be my turn, so I spend the entire meeting ignoring what everyone else is sharing while I come up with something to share. Then when it's my turn, my mind goes blank and I stutter meaningless drivel like an idiot.

Tonight was no exception. I don't remember what I shared, but whatever it was, it was stupid and I wish I had "passed". I should have known better.

So now I feel even worse than I did before the meeting. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone.

seeing my story in "Bill's Story"

This was the passage that really stood out to me when I read the Big Book for the first time. When I read this, I finally knew that someone else in this world knew what I was going through. I wasn't alone anymore.

I read this passage again today, and I couldn't help but see my own story in Bill's story:

"It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though if often remains strong in other respects. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer self- knowledge.

But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more. The curve of my declining moral and bodily health fell off like a ski-jump. After a time I returned to the hospital. This was the finish, the curtain, it seemed to me. My weary and despairing wife was informed that it would all end with heart failure during delirium tremens, or I would develop a wet brain, perhaps within a year. We would soon have to give me over to the undertaker of the asylum.

They did not need to tell me. I knew, and almost welcomed the idea. It was a devastating blow to my pride. I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last. Now I was to plunge into the dark, joining that endless procession of sots who had gone on before. I thought of my poor wife. There had been much happiness after all. What would I not give to make amends. But that was over now.

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.

Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink, and on Armistice Day 1934, I was off again. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere, or would stumble along to a miserable end. How dark it is before the dawn! In reality that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted into what I like to call the fourth dimension of existence. I was to know happiness, peace, and usefulness, in a way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes."

(Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 7-8)

In fact, out of all of the AA speakers I've ever heard, they tell this same story in their own different ways.

It's awesome to hear the stories of so many people -- who all became alcoholic in different ways, found AA in different ways, worked the Twelve Steps in different ways, and express their gratitude in different ways -- but in the end, it all sums up here. We're all the same ... and we're not alone.

there aren't enough days in a weekend

One would think an adult would have mastered this level of reasoning, but sometimes it still surprises me that when I choose to do "Activity A", I miss out on "Activity B". There's always some sort of sacrifice involved when these kinds of decisions are made.

I don't like making that sacrifice. I don't like the sense of urgency that comes from running out of time. I don't like resigning myself to the fact that the weekend is OVER, and I will be a corporate zombie for the next five days until another weekend rolls around.

But I suppose I should shut up and be grateful that because I'm sober today, I can make decisions on how to spend my free time.

When I was drinking, my decisions automatically defaulted and locked to "get drunk". In early sobriety, my decisions defaulted to attending several AA meetings each day and filling the hours between meetings with blogging, reading, etc -- because I had to fight the urge to drink.

But now, my decisions don't default to anything. I don't have to drink anymore, and I don't have to fight drinking either.

Sometimes it's overwhelming to suddenly have so many options that previously didn't exist. I want to do everything, see everything, participate in everything ... but it simply isn't possible.

I'm just grateful to be sober today, to have a family, to have friends, and to have choices ...

DMV adventures, and keeping "faith"

This morning, I used my last vacation day today to get the registration for my new car. My bosses are very strict about missing work -- so I had to use my last vacation day.

I got to the DMV this morning at 8:15 to register the car. The office didn't open until 9, but there were already 20 people waiting in line.

After waiting in line for 1.5 hours, the DMV clerk informed me that the company that sold me my car messed up the title. Their notary signed her name on the wrong line. The DMV could not take the title, so I could not register my car.

When I got the loan from the bank a few weeks ago, I remembered the loan officer told me that I had to bring the title to her. So I took the title to the loan officer and explained the situation about the notary issue. She had me sign the title, and she notarized next to my name. She said that should clear it up.

Then I vaguely remembered seeing an affidavit in the sales paperwork, stating something about a printer problem. So I went back home to read that again. Sure enough, it was regarding a printer problem on the title. That must be why the notary info was off.

I called the DMV to ask if this affidavit would clear up the problem. They assured me it would.

So I went back to the DMV. I waited in line for 3 -- three -- THREE hours.

When I finally got up to the counter, the DMV clerk told me that the affidavit was useless because the original notary had signed on the wrong line, and that the second notary stamp from the lady at the bank voided the title. Greeaaat.

The clerk shook her head, gave me a form to send to the sellers, and said "Good luck getting that back -- it's your only chance."

One part of me wanted to go postal, another part wanted to cry. This was my last vacation day ... how was I going to get another day off work to do this again?

But my autopilot took over in stoic mode. I thanked the clerk and calmly went back to my car to make some phone calls.

I went back to the bank and informed the loan officer that she had voided the title. She was extremely apologetic. I was extremely aggravated ... but that damn autopilot took over again, and I felt myself smile and tell her that it was okay ... even though everything on the inside screamed that it wasn't okay.

(Where does that autopilot come from anyway? In some cases, it's good, because I don't blow up at people. But it's bad in other cases because I don't stand up for myself when I should ...)

Fortunately I was able to get in contact with someone at the company that sold me my car. I explained the situation, and she said she would order a duplicate title and would also fill out the form from the DMV clerk. I'm so glad they're willing to work with me.

Things could always be worse ... at least I didn't go postal.

After that, I went on to work to try to salvage a few vacation hours back. I explained what happened to one of my coworkers.

When I told her about how frustrated I got, she asked, "Did you lose your faith?"

I've never thought about it like that before. I suppose losing my temper and getting upset would be like losing my faith. Because when I turn my will and my life over to God, I have nothing to become angry over.

And at the end of the day, I went to a meeting ... got to see people I care about stay sober. That was cool. I was glad that I stayed sober too.

the sense of impending doom

I remember watching TV with my dad when I was a kid. Sometimes in a suspenseful movie, scary music would start to play. The creepy music always meant that something bad was going to happen.

Dad would make fun of the scary music and playfully chant: "Something's gonna happen; something's gonna happen; something's gonna hA----!" And then choke, play dead, or something. It always made me laugh.

I thought about that today. All day long, I've been struggling with an irrational sense of impending doom. It's as if the imaginary creepy music has started, and I'm just waiting for the sudden crash to happen any second.

I'm not sure what caused it, but there may be several contributing factors ...

• I've come up with more to list on my 4th step, but I'm nearing the point where I'm running out of things to add. I feel comfortable with my sponsor and I'm actually looking forward to the 5th step. Yeah, something is fundamentally wrong here -- I'm supposed to be scared to death about that.
  

• My job has been running smoothly ... suspiciously smoothly. I was called in to my boss's office today for an informal review with my boss and my supervisor. They had very nice things to say and were very impressed with a few things I did. So when are they going to take my red stapler, move my workstation to the basement, and stop paying me?

• I've been blissfully enjoying a relationship with a wonderful guy, and things are going great. But my past has taught me that relationships in such seemingly good condition usually end abruptly and unexpectedly for reasons that take years to understand. In this case, is it a matter of "if" or "when" it all comes crashing down?

• My new car (which I wrecked already) was inspected by the insurance adjuster last week and put into the body shop today. The insurance company is miraculously going to pay for the damage. I'm taking tomorrow morning off work to apply for the registration at the DMV. I have all the paperwork -- but it just seems that something should go wrong ... it has to.

• I feel totally useless at meetings. We're supposed to share experience, strength, and hope. But I have no relevant experience to help people with their problems, my strength comes from sadistic sarcasm (which I keep to myself because it would offend most people), and my hope is made up of childish fairy-tale faith at which most people would either laugh or become jealous. I never know the right thing to say and I'm scared to say something harmful or stupid. So I shut up during the meetings and usually stick around to chat & clean coffee pots ... I guess that's better than nothing ... or maybe it's worse?
  

It all comes down to the third step ... when we turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him, these kinds of concerns lose their power.

Regardless, I'm glad to be sober for one trip around the sun. Orbit #2 has begun :)

turning one year old

Mom made me a cake & got me an Easter Lilly. Doesn't that cake look good??? Thanks, mom!


With all its ups and downs, this past year was the toughest emotional roller coaster ride of my entire life. But it's also been the best year of my life.

At my first-ever AA meeting, someone told me, "You never have to take another drink again."

I desperately wanted to believe him, but it sounded too good to be true.

But today, I know it's true.

I'm grateful to be a recovering alcoholic and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. The only reason I'm living today is because of the grace of God and the fellowship of AA.

And I'm not merely alive -- I'm living the happy, joyous, and free life that I thought I'd never have.

Thank you to everyone for helping me to reach my first birthday. You helped to make a miracle happen.

Miracles happen all the time in AA, and we see them when we keep coming back.

my first wreck

Ya know what? Cars and fire hydrants don't get along too well.

One slashed a lovely yellow-paint-coated gash along the entire length of the passenger side of my car, ripping the doors crooked, and leaving the rear tire mangled. Well done! (Boy, I'm a first class dumbass!)

It's pretty funny ... I've never been in a wreck before, even back when I was drinking. I've always prided myself in having a perfect driving record. But now that I'm a week shy of one year sober, I wreck my new car ... which I've only had for two weeks.

But I'm glad that

• nobody got hurt
  
• the fire hydrant wasn't damaged
• no other cars were involved
  
• I have insurance to cover the damage to my car
  
• my dad helped me change the tire so we could get the car home
• I still have my OLD car, so I don't need to get a rental
• the weather was nice, so I didn't get rained on or snowed on
• it wasn't dark yet, so I could inspect everything in the sunlight
  
• this happened at the perfect time of day to get to a meeting right after, so I could get out of my head and be with other people who had worse days than mine
• my sponsor & another AA friend met up with me after the meeting and shared some of their experiences banging up cars ... I didn't feel quite so stupid after hearing some of their stories
• I didn't drink, and I didn't want to
• I didn't cry, though I kinda wanted to
• God's probably sitting there laughing at me, but that's okay ... I can laugh at me too.
  

all in time

There's a saying I really cling to: "Be profound, be funny, or be quiet." I can't be profound or funny right now, so I should be quiet ... but I feel the need to slap something up here.

I'm doing okay. I'm staying sober one day at a time and trying to avoid mourning over the past or worrying about the future.

Someone asked the other day about a future goal of mine. That set off an avalanche of thought.

I did some research and found that I can't achieve that goal with the small income from my current job. I'll need a higher-paying job. But my employment history is in such bad shape, I'm extremely lucky just to have my current job ... nobody else would want me right now.

So maybe I'm right where I should be. For now. That future goal will just have to wait. It isn't time yet.

It's tempting to sit here and fume about how stupid I was years ago, and how I "should have" done this or that, and "if only" I hadn't been so stupid, I would have more opportunities today ... so now I'm a loser and an idiot and all I can do is suck it up and bear the consequences of my past actions. Waaa. Pardon me while I cry a river.

But wallowing in misery wouldn't change anything. In the mean time, I can be grateful for what I have today and concentrate on what God wants me to do today.

I know people who have just lost loved ones, others who are watching loved ones destroy themselves, others who are struggling to make ends meet, and others who seem to have no problems at all. In the grand scheme of things, I have no problems at all ...

When I stop focusing on what I don't have, I see the miracles of the blessings in my life today. There are so many.

off day

Sometimes I really want to talk to people, and other times, I wish I could disappear into the wall. Tonight was one of those nights where I was glad to be at a meeting but I would have given anything to be invisible.

There was no valid reason to feel like this.

Work has been uncomfortable for the past month. One of my coworkers pretends that I don't exist. It started on my first day on the job: every morning for the past six months, I'll smile and say "Good morning" to her and she completely ignores me -- for the entire day, regardless of what I do or say -- she pretends I'm not there. She does this to several other people too ... so whatever it is, it's her problem. And management keeps assigning mind-numbing projects to us ("Here, put these 7,000 dusty file folders in alphabetical order -- by Friday. Oh and don't fall behind on your regular work. No overtime is allowed.").

For the most part, I'm not having a hard time with work. Yeah, sometimes it gets under my skin when my coworker repeatedly ignores me. But whatever ... she has her issues, and if I feel offended by her issues, my that's my problem. And sometimes it gets under my skin when management imposes ridiculous deadlines for seemingly never-ending mundane tasks. But that's what management is for. Their job is to keep me busy.

Sometimes I worry about the future. All of these worries are self-centered fear. I'm afraid of losing something. But when I consider how a change of circumstance that causes me to lose something could possibly benefit someone I love, I become willing to let go ... and I stop worrying about it. It's difficult to let go and STAY that way. I keep taking it back. That annoys me. This stuff is so hard to let go of and so easy to take back.

But when I remember the hell my life was when I was drinking, and consider the miracles that have happened in sobriety ... these silly annoyances don't carry so much weight anymore. I have choices today that I didn't have before. I've found a new source of security that can't be shaken by anything or anyone -- unless I allow it.

Lately, my days have mostly consisted of repeatedly stepping away from the center of the universe. Because as the day goes on, I'll somehow float back to the center, and once again find myself expecting the universe to revolve around ME. Then I'll have to step aside again. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." I have to make that decision many times every day.

And it all comes back to the meeting tonight. Even at the "meeting before the meeting" ... I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be there with everyone because I love them and deeply care about them ... but I felt so uncomfortable that I only wanted to watch from a distance, and I was absolutely miserable the entire time. This feeling comes and goes at random. I really didn't want to feel this way tonight. I hated every second of it. I still don't understand what this feeling is or why it keeps coming back.

my workdays aren't so bad after all

Over the past few weeks, work hasn't been all that great. I was tempted to feel sorry for myself.

Then I came across this video.

The poor weather man is truly, truly, TRULY having a much worse workday than I've ever had!

Click Play to watch below, or [Click Here] to view at Google Video.

Okay, I don't feel sorry for myself anymore! I love my job and I'm not so bad at it!

gratitude

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being sober ... coming up on a year
• having a sponsor that I can really talk to
• the awesome people in my life
• the kind words of encouragement left behind here
  
• my family ... they love me
• being able to "be there" when someone I care about experienced a death in his family
  
• completing the process of acquiring a loan to buy a car. I would have never been able to do anything this complicated back when I was drinking. If it involved anything more complicated than unscrewing a bottle cap, I was pretty much screwed. (Or unscrewed?)
  
• knowing that I don't need to "live to impress" people
• I don't need to "change" myself to make people happy
• I don't need anyone else to change to make me happy
  
• when I turn my will and my life over to God, I cease fighting anything and anyone ... that makes me happy
  
• God, because He has a plan for my life, and He included Himself in it
  

pride in reverse

Well I managed to write a few positive things in my fourth step last night. I didn't go off on tangents to turn positive things into negative things, though I was REALLY tempted to do so.

Reminds me of something from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (p. 45):

"If tempermentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse. This is not a moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to the bottle and extinction."

I identify with that ... especially the "swamped with guilt and self-loathing" part.

For a long time, prayer has been difficult because I can't get past asking for forgiveness. "God, please forgive me. I screwed up there ... and I was impatient over there ... and my motives were wrong over there ..." and eventually I get depressed. So I'll thank God for everything and everyone He's blessed me with, but then I'll feel guilty for receiving those blessings because I don't deserve them. At that point, I don't want to pray anymore -- I'm too angry at myself to pray, so I'll go on with the rest of my day pissed off.

But that's just another manifestation of selfish "pride in reverse". Apparently I get miserable because I want to be miserable ... otherwise I wouldn't indulge in it. It's always "all about me". Nobody else makes me feel that way.

Anyway I'm tired ... feeling better today ... just very tired.

this attitude needs some gratitude

So here it is:

Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being sober
• having amazingly awesome AA friends
• having a loving family that loves me and supports me
• gliding through the wind on a beautiful day with my special guy on his motorcycle
• watching a movie with friends
• hanging out at the coffee shop with friends
• having friends (they're all in AA -- AA's are the best friends in the world!)
• knowing that one of my homegroup chicas faced something very challenging this week, and she has been willing to share what's going on, and she's stayed sober through it
  
• having a job to get up for in the morning
• the possibility of buying my dad's car (if the bank will help a bit)
  
• having a nice warm, soft bed to sleep in
• being tired enough to want to sleep
• having the opportunity to embrace a coworker tomorrow who is returning to work from bereavement leave
• shopping at the mall with mom today ... found a beautiful dress!
• going to church this morning (for the second time since last summer). I felt a bit out of place, but the feeling got better as the service proceeded.
  
• the "ice pack burn" on the back of my neck is almost completely healed (man, that really hurt!)
  
• God, because He's there when nobody else is
  

positively challenged

Step 4: "Took a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves."

It's really easy to see where I went wrong. It's more difficult to see what I've done right.

"So-and-so hurt me because I behaved this way ... I hurt this guy, I hurt that lady" -- it goes down a list a mile long. Eventually I start thinking "Yeah, I'm a bad person and I deserve to die in a fire." It's easy to fall into that mindset, and I have.

My sponsor told me to write good things about myself -- good things I did, good attributes I have. But it seems wrong to say anything good about myself. I've done good things, but so what? That's what people are supposed to do. They don't make up for the bad things I did or make me a better person.

I just don't feel comfortable trying to come up with anything positive. Some people can do that relatively easily ... but I'm not one of them.

stuck with me

Sometimes, I want to withdraw from everything and everyone. Sometimes, I want to draw closer to them.

I always want the opposite of my situation. If I'm surrounded by awesome people, I want to be alone. If I'm alone, I don't want to be alone.

I couldn't wait for my favorite meeting tonight. But once I got there, I wanted to leave. I couldn't wait to be alone. So instead of hanging out after the meeting, I withdrew. Now that I'm alone, I don't want to be alone anymore ... and I'm frustrated with myself for being so fickle.

Is it because I'm uncomfortable with others, or is it because I'm uncomfortable with myself? Wherever I go, there I am -- totally out of place and inadequate. I have always considered that to be a part of "social anxiety" or "shyness", but the same feelings are there even when I'm alone. So there's something else I can't blame on anything but myself.

I'm in the middle of a fourth step, and right now I feel like the scum of the earth. I seriously don't like "me". I can get rid of others and be as alone as I want, but I'm still stuck with me.

in the shadow on the moon

Today was a great day. It's been a great week. I feel happy.

I was driving home tonight after a meeting and a "meeting-after-the-meeting" at a coffee shop. I looked up and saw the moon. It looked beautiful.

Only about 25% of it was visible. The rest was in shadow.

And for some reason, the shadow caught my attention more than anything else. I wanted to be there, in the shadow.

I don't understand why.

so much to be grateful for

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being sober for almost 10 and 1/2 months ... wow :)
  
• not having to fight anything or anyone
• not having to run away from anything or anyone
  
• having my very first amazingly awesome and special Valentine's day
• a Valentine's teddy bear that I can clutch when I'd rather be holding someone else
  
• Valentine's candy. I got too much of it ... but maaaaan it's been good!
• the wonderful people in AA. We're a group who would not ordinarily mix ... thank God we do!
• discovering new Tuesday and Thursday night meetings
• getting to support a friend at his wedding Saturday
• my family still loves me
• making progress on my fourth step, and not getting upset over anything. It's usually very easy to see where I went wrong
• feeling less fear about the future
• things going better at work
  
• having people I can talk to every day, openly and honestly without fear of misunderstanding or judgment
• ice packs and advil. One of my old neck injuries woke me up this morning, and today has been very painful. To make things worse, the ice pack burned my skin and left blisters behind. But at least I can breathe without pain now.
  
• my car is on the verge of hitting the 100,000-mile mark. I'm so impressed! Never thought it would make it this far.
• I have a job to get up for EARLY in the morning
• God, because He heard me today
  

tall enough?

The light bulb over my head finally turned on: Sometimes talking about this stuff works better than blogging about it.

That little discovery seems obvious to most people ... but I've never been able to talk to anyone about anything before. I can write about almost anything, but talking about it has always been (and still is) very difficult. There must be a disconnect between my brain and my mouth, because I can type much easier than I can speak.

So after talking about this, I'm feeling much better now. The discomfort yesterday was caused by something I didn't even blog about anyway.

Yesterday I felt "left out" because I wasn't included in something. It brought back the same feelings I had as a kid at the theme park. In front of the roller coasters, they have the sign that says "You must be at least this tall to ride". I remember my big brother standing next to the sign and being tall enough to ride. But I'd stand next to it, and I wouldn't be tall enough. So I'd have to watch him go on the ride and have all the fun. That sucked.

Well I felt like that yesterday. I felt inadequate. I wondered if I might have been included if I was better, cooler, or otherwise "not such a dumbass". That's a great way to ruin a day. And I ruined it quite sufficiently. (Not getting any sleep the night before and forgetting to eat all day didn't help either. I need to learn how to eat and sleep ...)

How often do we waste time and energy worrying about that kind of stuff? Fears of inadequacy are sometimes the most devastating fears. They take away what little confidence we have and replace it with self-contempt and downright self-hatred. I've got enough of that ... I don't need any more.

It's interesting how little things like this can have so much power over us. And for some unknown reason, I have this bizarre willingness to give it all the power it needs to ruin almost everything.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• staying sober
• spending time with that guy who likes me for reasons I'll never understand
• finding out I can talk about things that bother me ... it's not easy, but it's possible
• my family & my dog
• nice warm pajamas
• a job to get up for in the morning
• my car still works (woohoo!)
• starting a new art/craft project ... I got all the stuff, now I just need time
• God. He's laughing at me right now, but that's okay.

gratitude

Today, I'm grateful for ...

• not drinking today
  
• not starting smoking today (Yeah, I was tempted to buy my first pack of cigarettes ... pretty stupid, eh? Everyone else wants to quit but can't do it ...)
• not sleeping all day to avoid unpleasant feelings (was tempted to do that too)
  
• AA buddies who called and text messaged with me today
• online AA buddies who stop by and drop a line
  
• my family, and going out with my mom for dinner
• my dog ... he still loves me ... he still wants to be with me, and I don't understand why
  
• my car ... it took me all over the place today. I love to be on the road going somewhere -- anywhere.
• I didn't get lost in downtown today ... I usually get lost
  
• that I can go to a shopping mall without feeling the need to buy anything. I haven't always been able to do that ...
  
• warm, fuzzy pajamas to wear in my warm, soft bed
• my job ... so many people want one but can't get one
• feeling so exhausted that no amount of projection/worry in the WORLD can keep me awake all night again
• God. I didn't feel Him today, but I know He was there.
  

can't sleep ... too busy projecting

For the past two months, I've been blessed with having a special guy in my life. I found out today there's a good chance that his job will be relocating him to another city.

Thanks to this program, my first impulse is to trust God. I know that He has my life and my guy's life all planned out according to what's best for each of us. I'm extremely grateful that our lives happened to intersect for the past couple of months. That's been a huge blessing to us both.

Thanks to my alcoholism, my second impulse is to project stuff that hasn't happened yet and get upset over it. If he relocates, that would be a great career move for him. But he would most likely meet someone else who's better for him than I am. So that means I'd lose him, and I don't like that idea. At what point does loving someone mean holding on or letting go?

Nevermind the fact that none of this has even happened yet -- and may never happen, the drama is already playing and replaying in my head. The projection started a few hours ago, and oh boy -- it's obviously having a field day with me.

I'm powerless over God's will -- whether I fight it tooth and nail or peacefully submit to it -- whatever happens will happen. If I want to live a sober life, I must submit, accept, and do the next right thing ... but it has to actually happen first.

The projection is one issue -- but the self-centered fear is another. It bothers me that I'm more concerned about my loss than his benefit. That isn't love ... that's selfishness. So now I feel guilty for wishing he could stay. But if I truly had no opinion regarding whether he stays or leaves, that would mean I don't have feelings for him at all. So by simply preferring one of the two possible outcomes, does that mean I'm being selfish?

See? This projection stuff is bad ... it doesn't stop ... ever ... I'm at least going to stop typing now :)

desire to know God

From 24 Hours A Day, meditation for February 6:

"God finds, amid the crowd, a few people who follow Him, just to be near Him, just to dwell in His presence. A longing in the Eternal Heart my be satisfied by these few people. I will let God know that I seek just to dwell in His presence, to be near Him, not so much for teaching or a message, as just for Him. It may be that the longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart.

"I pray that I may have a listening ear, so that God may speak to me. I pray that I may have a waiting heart, so that God may come to me."

Reading that yesterday made me stop and think ... Yes, I pray every day. But how much of it is out of selfish motives? Do I really want to share a spiritually intimate relationship with God, or am I just praying out of "duty"?

Lately, it's just been out of duty. I've prayed because it was the right thing to do -- not because I was interested in building a relationship with God. It's been more like a business transaction than anything else.

I didn't notice that until now. Interesting stuff.

conditional happiness in cubicle world

Work is becoming increasingly hectic, so they had us come in this morning to work half a day. Yeah, I wanted to gripe and grumble, but I've worked most of my life in retail where I had to work morning and evening shifts on both Saturdays and Sundays every weekend ... so working 8-12 on a Saturday morning really isn't that bad in comparison.

But one of my favorite meetings is Saturday morning at 10am. As I watched the clock hit 9:15, the idea came to mind that I could bail out of work and go to the meeting. But after looking at the amount of work there was to do, I decided I'd put that decision off until I got more work done. The meeting was only a ten minute drive away.

When the clock hit 9:40, I really wanted to bail out of work and hit the meeting. At 9:50, I was overcome with that frantic newcomer feeling of "needing" a meeting (but that was just my alcoholic thinking kicking in: If I want something badly enough, I need it). I missed the people at that meeting and I really wanted to see them. And I knew that if I rushed out the door quickly enough I could make it in time.

But was it really all that crucial? The day before, I promised my boss and coworkers I'd work 8-12. My coworkers certainly weren't leaving -- they were working hard. I knew I'd feel guilty if I left early.

So I decided to stay at work. And I was pissed. I didn't want to be there. I really didn't want to be there.

"If only I could go to the meeting, then I'd be happy ... " But no, not really.

Then I realized I was placing conditions on my happiness:

"IF this happens, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF I get that, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF they do this, THEN I'll be happy."
"IF only I could do/be/become that, THEN I'll be happy."

Conditional happiness is never good. It requires an initial state of dissatisfaction: I won't be happy until I get what I want.

One problem with that kind of thinking is that it's cyclical. As soon as one demand is reached, another is generated, so I still won't be happy. Instead I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. Then I'll want more, and I won't be happy until I get it. So I'll end up never being happy.

Looking for happiness is like conducting a solo but desperate search over hundreds of square miles of dangerous terrain to find my lost shoes -- while entirely oblivious to the fact that I'm already wearing them. Happiness doesn't need to be chased. It doesn't have to be acquired or purchased. It doesn't have to depend on the actions of other people or on the outcome of situations. It's always there in any circumstance -- I just have to be willing to recognize it.

Until I learn to be happy today, where I am, with what I have, with things being as they are, with people being who they are, I will never be happy.

Sometimes it's easy to experience contentment in any situation. Sometimes it's not so easy. But today I managed to be happy at work, albeit after a rough start -- but still, I'm grateful for that today. I'll make that meeting next week.

just when i got ready ...

The weatherman said yesterday that we would be getting snow/ice/wintery mix today, and he was right. Woke up this morning and it was snowing.

In most parts of the country, that's not a big deal. But here? It's a big deal. They cancelled school and many businesses shut down (except for the company I work for ... it never shuts down).

The local news weathermen are gloating -- because for the first time in their lives, they have managed to forecast the weather correctly.

While trying to decide whether to brave the crazy streets and go to work this morning, I glanced at a traffic report on a local news site. Accident reports were multiplying. People around here can't drive in the snow.

We're a bunch of instant idiots -- just add snow. I figured I could drive okay, but that doesn't matter if some guy named "Bubba" loses control of his pickup truck and totals my car.

So I decided I'd wait around the house until the roads clear.

A few hours later, it stopped snowing. The road in front of my house was clear. No ice or snow anywhere in the road. So I started getting ready to go to work.

Just as I got ready to leave -- boots, jeans, sweater, jacket, coat, scarf, gloves, hat, purse, cell phone -- I looked out the front door to see this:




It was really coming down. Hrm, so much for the road being clear.

But was it really undrivable? Really? A walk out to the street revealed few inches of slush and ice. I was pretty confident I could drive in it, but the thought of crazy Bubba in his out-of-control pickup sent me back inside.

According to the latest traffic report, 10 new accidents have just been reported in the last five minutes. (See? I told you nobody here can drive in the snow!) (Post script: 20 minutes after I wrote this, there were an additional 30 more accidents ... yeah ...)

The rest of the forecast today is 2-4 inches of snow followed by 2 inches of ice/freezing rain. Looks like I won't be going anywhere today.

It's hard not to worry about work and the hell I'll be facing when I finally get back there. Oh well.

In the mean time, I can work on my fourth step and try to chill out a bit. Pun intended.

I'll close with a picture of my dog running through the snow. He's never seen snow before ... he loves it :)

new difficulty: living sober without desperation

It's easy to go to meetings and do whatever it takes to stay sober when I have a certain amount of desperation motivating me. Staying sober in the beginning was a constant battle that I was terrified to lose.

But now, there is no battle. There are no cravings. The desperation that kept me doing all the right things is gone.

I didn't want to go to a meeting tonight. I'm tired. I didn't go last night or the night before. I was tired then too. Energy was not a factor of influence when I was desperate. Meetings take up increasingly more energy than they used to.

At most meetings in my area, you're expected to arrive with sufficient pretentious fakery to appear as if you're a poster child of AA. At a typical meeting, there are usually anywhere from 50-100 people, and each one of them maniacally insists on hugging me. (I hate it when complete strangers insist on hugging me ... it makes me want to physically harm them.)

They stand around talking while shot up with caffeine, wearing plastic smiles plastered onto their faces, sporting their newest preppy clothes, and pretending to be happy social butterflies -- usually because their sponsor is watching them from across the room.

Well that's good for them, but it makes me uncomfortable. It gives me the impression that I can't be honest there because the whole thing is fake. I don't have the energy to deal with it right now.

I'm grateful that my homegroup is open and honest -- I just wish it met more often than two nights a week. It's okay if I don't arrive freakishly happy. I don't have to be dressed like an Ann Taylor model. I don't have to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. I don't have to socialize with putridly happy fake people. Instead, I can be real because my homegroup members are real.

In the past, I was willing to put up with things I didn't like because I was desperate to stay sober -- even if it meant playing someone else's game to fit in at a meeting. But now staying sober is normal. Every sober day is no longer a miracle. It's just another normal day. I no longer ask God to keep me sober, because that's not a problem anymore ... but I usually remember to thank Him for it.

I guess this is just some kind of strange transition that I never expected to make. I never thought that my 24/7 daily obsession with alcohol would just go away. Where did it go? Why? It feels strangely unnatural ... as if I've lost my shadow.

Does this mean I can drink now? Sure -- I can drink alcohol almost as safely as I can drink cyanide. Either one will kill me. I'm just baffled as to why the obsession is gone ... and the desperation too. You'd think I'd be happy to get rid of the desperation, but I'm kind of scared not to have it.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 298 days sober
• the awesome people in my homegroup
• my family
• fourth step work
• having people in my life that I can talk to
• having a job that worked me 50 hours last week and wants me back earrrrly tomorrow morning
• text messaging on my cell phone
• my dog
• my nice soft bed ... getting sleepy
• God, because I can fall asleep without worrying about anything

early adventures in step four

My sponsor had me start working on the 4th step this week. She told me to start by listing all the times that people made me mad or hurt my feelings -- in the typical columnar format presented in the Big Book (their name, what they did, how it affected me) plus the extra column for indicating "my role".

Here's a good tip for anyone starting a 4th step -- I learned this the hard way: I had this bright idea to work on my 4th step during my lunch hour at work. I normally go out to my car over my lunch break, so why not be dedicated and work on my 4th step while I'm out there? Monday went okay. But on Tuesday, man oh man, I got all emotional over one item and didn't want to go back into work! So lesson learned there: no more lunch break 4th step work. Looks like it's best to do this when there is time to chill out afterwards.

Other than that, I'm just having a hard time remembering times that people angered or hurt me. I've always gotten over those things by either blaming myself for causing/contributing or deciding the other person was too sick to realize what they did -- then I'd blame myself for feeling angry or hurt toward a sick person in the first place. That was usually done out of an arrogant victim mentality. I also got over some of them by intentionally blocking them out of memory -- because after only two pages of writing, I'm stumped.

I'm keeping a little notebook with me to jot down anything that comes to mind. They seem to trickle in one at a time during odd moments, like when watching TV at my boyfriend's mom's house after dinner last night. It's not upsetting to remember them -- it's all water under the bridge. But it's strange that I can't remember it all at once.



Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 290 days sober
• having a sponsor
• having stepwork to do
• having people in the program to talk to
• a very sweet and generous guy who shares his time with me
• a family that loves me
• a dog that lets me cuddle with him when he's sleepy
• a fixed car that will start in the morning
• a job to get up for in a few short hours
• God, because He has all of this mapped out somehow

looking back ...

Here's the Daily Reflection for 1/18:

WOULD A DRINK HELP?

"By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression."
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 23

When I was still drinking, I couldn't respond to any of life's situations the way other, more healthy, people could. The smallest incident triggered a state of mind that believed I had to have a drink to numb my feelings. But the numbing did not improve the situation, so I sought further escape in the bottle. Today I must be aware of my alcoholism. I cannot afford to believe that I have gained control of my drinking -- or again I will think I have gained control of my life. Such a feeling of control is fatal to my recovery.

I read that Daily Reflection this morning and it brought back so many memories. I remember when the smallest little upset would trigger desperate desire to drink -- and that need to drink was as real and as urgent as the need to breathe.

If I didn't get my way, I needed a drink. If I felt left out, I needed a drink. If I was stressed out, I needed a drink. If I felt guilty, I needed a drink. If I felt drunk, I needed a drink. If I didn't feel drunk, I needed a drink. If I woke up alive and breathing that morning, I needed a drink.

If no alcohol was around, panic would set in. The desperate panic would grow increasingly worse until I finally took a drink. I simply could not function without alcohol.

Today, I'm grateful that I no longer need a drink. I don't need one for the small stuff OR for the big stuff. I can experience life and all the stuff it throws at me without even thinking of a drink.

What a miracle.