we agnostics

My sponsor told me to read the chapter "We Agnostics" out of the Big Book. As usual, I'm glad I did what she told me. (RTFM: Read this chapter in .pdf HERE, or view other Big Book chapters HERE.)

Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness (p. 48).

"Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became open minded ... "

This reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons where Homer was about to get killed by a rhinoceros. He screams, "I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha -- I love you all!"

When faced with impending death, the fancy details of religion and spirituality suddenly don't matter.

At this point in my sobriety, those fancy details still don't matter. Is there life after death? Is there a hell? Is there a heaven? Do we get reincarnated? Are angels real? I don't care. None of that has anything to do with keeping me sober today. I have a problem that experience has repeatedly demonstrated to be unrepairable by human power, and the only thing that can help me is a Power greater than myself. That's the only theology that matters to me right now.

Alcohol beat me into a state of reasonableness. I had no choice but to try something new, because my ideas didn't work.

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does?

... When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did (p. 52).

The God idea works for my AA buddies, and it works for me too -- when I'm willing to let it.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 238 days sober
• getting to hear my sponsor's sponsor at a speaker meeting tonight -- and finding out that my sponsor's sponsor knows her sponsor's sponsor. That's pretty cool.
• AA buddies online and off
  
• having my family
• my adorable dog -- who seems to be learning not to jump on me when I come home from work wearing a nice suit
• my car -- it works! It really works!
• my mp3 player, because it drowns out the Christmas "elevator music" they're playing at work
• I have a job. OMG! I have a job!
  
• knowing that I could lose everything tonight if I choose to take a drink
• God, because He's so much more patient than I am
  

knowing the person i am

From yesterday's entry in Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in AlAnon II:

My life is in a constant state of change. Awareness allows me to keep pace with that change. Today let me listen to my words and watch my actions. Only by knowing the person I am can I create the person I want to become.

"Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something molded." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The concept of "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" is awesome. I'm glad that I don't have to live up to any particular benchmark or achievement. Just one day at a time, staying sober, and growing spiritually is all that matters.

I'm supposed to take who I was yesterday and try to improve it today. It's all about allowing God to shape me into His idea, and being willing to experience discomfort in the process.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." -- Booker T. Washington

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 238 days sober
• my awesome kickass homegroup ... I love these people
• getting to know individual homegroup members better
• learning (slowly) how to open up ... it's hard
• learning to handle anxiety without even thinking of drinking
• my job, which I am so fortunate to have
• my family, which I am beyond fortunate to have
• God, because everything in my life was put there for a purpose
  

a new meeting

Went to a new meeting tonight. My sponsor recommended I try it. I really didn't want to go -- I wanted to go to my regular meeting instead. I don't like going to new meetings.

When I got to the new place, it was huge. The parking lot was packed. I parked the car and immediately started coming up with reasons to leave. "I don't like big meetings. There are too many people here. I'm tired. I have a headache. It's going to take 30 minutes to get out of the parking lot when this is over. I want to go home and go to bed!" ... etc.

This was like a reverse flashback to my old drinking days: I'd sit outside the liquor store and try to reason my way out. Now I'm sitting outside AA meetings trying to reason my way out. Go figure.

Anyway, I ended up going to the meeting, and I'm glad that I did.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 235 days sober
• living in an area where there are so many AA meetings that I can't decide where to go on any given day
• having a sponsor who makes recommendations for me
• having a job to wake up for in the morning
• looking forward to my homegroup meeting Wednesday night
• getting good news from one of my homegroup chicas
• the many awesome people in this program ...
• being tired enough to sleep tonight
• God, because He always provides a way to do the right thing.
  

been there, done that, here's a teeshirt

And of course, it wasn't nearly as scary as I made it out to be. I've been worried all week ... for that?

Over the past few weeks up until recently, I felt such a connection with God that nothing worried me. I was fine whether the best happened or the worst. It's interesting how "this too shall pass." And that's okay. It just makes for a more interesting learning experience.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 234 damn days sober
• working a step with my new sponsor
• having a sponsor
• having more stepwork to do
  
• the Big Book
  
• getting to talk with another alcoholic today
• getting to go back to work tomorrow. I have a job!
  
• awesome AA buddies, online and off
• my dog -- he's feeling better
• caffeine
• Starbucks -- my favorite source of caffeine
• my car works! Woohoo!
• my family supports me in my recovery
• God, because He has provided a program that gives me hope
  

nerves of squeal

Okay, so ALL of the stepwork I've been doing for the past few weeks is going to be presented to my sponsor this afternoon.

I'm scared as hell.

It's only Step 1 -- which I've done with another sponsor before. My new sponsor wanted to start at the beginning, which is fine by me. I'm at the point that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work this program correctly. My way does not work. I'm just damn lucky that I've stayed dry for this long and that anyone is willing to sponsor me!

It's hilarious how nervous I am. I did everything she asked me to do with complete honesty and openness. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous ...

But anyway, I'm grateful to be sober today. I'm so grateful for the awesome people in this program. I don't have to be alone anymore. I normally call two alcoholics every day. But yesterday, I called 11. Had to leave voicemails with most of them -- I only got to talk with four. But I'm so grateful for those four! I'm fortunate that anyone is willing to talk to me at all.

So for the rest of the day, I'll try not to be a nervous wreck. It's just a step, not a witch trial. Unless my sponsor has a firing squad pole in her back yard with my name on it, everything should go okay :)


PS ... If I'm this nervous about Step 1, WTF am I going to do about Step 5?

friday grAAtitude

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 232 days sober
• my kickass homegroup
• the warm fire the guys built at the outside meeting tonight
• meeting up for coffee, hot chocolate, music, and dice after the meeting tonight :)
• this program focusing on making progress ... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly
• my adorable dog, who can hardly walk due to a recent hip injury -- yet he gets up and runs to see me when I walk in the door. I pray that I will learn that kind of enthusiasm in my life, that I would get up and run to God and to others with enthusiasm regardless of the pain.
• my supportive family
• not working in retail today ("Black Friday" is a scary day to work in retail!)
• my new mp3 player. They've started playing instrumental Christmas music over the speakers at work. Yeah. The kind that makes you go nuts. Thank GOD for the mp3 player ...
  
• my car works! Woohoo!
• Thanksgiving leftovers
  
• the beautiful sunshine and cool breeze today
• feeling accepted
• finding myself sincerely caring for others and their situations
  
• staying sober this week
• calling other alcoholics, and them being willing to talk to me
• God, because when I feel most alone, I'm most able to feel Him with me.
  

'tis the day before thanksgiving ...

"Umm, has anyone seen Big Bird?"

it takes a village

A cool chick picked up a three year chip tonight. She thanked the group for helping her to stay sober, and she made the comment, "It takes a village to raise an alcoholic." How true!

But there was a time in my earlier sobriety where I didn't feel like I belonged to the AA village. I felt like someone who hasn't been rejected yet. I knew I needed AA, but I didn't feel connected. I grew resentful toward the program and toward the people in it.

One day I heard a long-timer give a newcomer some advice: "Go to meetings until you want to go to meetings. Then go to meetings." I took that advice. I dragged myself to two meetings every day.

It didn't take long for me to start wanting to go to meetings. And then I started getting excited about going to meetings. Then it wasn't about going to the meeting anymore -- it was about catching up with people there to see how they're doing.

I started to see how each person in AA helped me, and how I could help them too. Before I knew it, I finally felt like I was a part of the AA village.

Looking back, I realize that I felt disconnected because I didn't connect myself. I'm grateful that I've learned how to connect to this program. I'm no longer trying to raise myself -- I have the help of a whole village.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 230 days sober
• AA buddies, online and off
• my awesome homegroup
• my sponsor
• my supportive family
• living in an area with abundant meetings
• God, because He creates hope
  

maximum service

"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us" (Big Book, p. 77).

This has always been my favorite quote from the Big Book. But I was thinking about it on the way home from work today: "What have I done to fit myself to be of maximum service?"

I feel like I should be DOING something. If you want to be a body builder, you lift weights. If you want to be a marathon runner, you run. If you want to be of maximum service to God and other people, you ... do ... what ... exactly?

Obviously working the 12 Steps with a sponsor plays a huge role. Calling other alcoholics and providing encouragement is a big part too. Doing service work is another. Staying sober makes it all possible.

But I still feel like I'm missing something. I'm just feeling a bit uneasy or "off" somehow.

What do you do to fit yourself to be of maximum service to God and the people around you?

ultimate fighting championship

WOW -- this has got to be the best UFC fight ever! Either click "Play" below, or [click here] to view at YouTube.

(Works best on fast connection)

doing good

It always amazes me to see people doing good things in the world.

Today I was fortunate to spend some time at a kids party. It was arranged like a carnival in a store parking lot and was being run by several biker clubs. Society in general tends to regard bikers with a certain amount of distrust, so it seemed especially cool to see the various clubs working together to make something fun for the local kids.

(Hey, for any sober bikers in recovery out there, Motorcycle Mike has an awesome blog [HERE]. Check it out!)

I saw several parents driving by to stop and ask the admission price. They were all so happy to find out that it was free. The kids really had a great time.

All of the bikers were so nice. Some of them are members of my homegroup. I knew they were nice before ... but it meant something special to see them today. It makes me ask myself "When was the last time I did something nice for someone?"

I'm grateful for the example they set, and for the reminder they have given me.


Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 227 days sober
• witnessing kindness today
• AA buddies online and off
• meeting up for coffee with friends
• being exhausted after a killer workweek
• having stepwork to do
• my family still remembers my name. I haven't been home much lately.
• my sponsor, because she's willing to talk with me every day
• God, because He is speaking to me through so many different people and things right now.

PS -- For another story about people doing good in the world, check out [this story] about a "Secret Santa", who has given away $1.3 million to random people at Christmas time. What a great story!

so grateful today

Today, I'm especially grateful because:

• I'm sober.
• Today was a difficult day, and I was grateful to realize that there's no such thing as a "bad day" as long as I get through it sober.
  
• I have a job. I've worked 40 hours in the past three days, with 40 more hours to work through Saturday. I'm absolutely exhausted! But the good news is: It's all overtime pay! Woohoo :)
  
• My kickass homegroup is awesome. Spending some time with those amazing people makes me feel almost human!
• I'm developing relationships with other recovering alcoholics.
• My sponsor is being incredibly patient with me.
• My family is awesomely supportive of me.
• I have everything I need.
• I don't have everything I want. That's a very good thing.
• I'm learning how to love people and escape my "shell" a bit.
• I had a drinking dream last night. It was upsetting ... but I needed it. Re-experiencing the mindset of active drinking was a much needed shock.
  
• God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. He's not changing my circumstances -- He's changing me.
  

willingness

It was never in my life's plans to be an alcoholic. My first days in the AA program were filled with so much gratitude that being an alcoholic didn't bother me. I was so happy to finally have hope for recovery.

But later on, the thought of going to meetings for the rest of my life and constantly struggling with alcoholism frightened me. It especially scared me when AA long-timers would crawl into discussion meetings to complain about how horrible their lives are in sobriety. I didn't want that for myself. If that was all I had to look forward to in sobriety, then why not keep drinking?

I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I didn't want what they had. I wanted that sense of ease and comfort that alcohol at one time provided. And after these thoughts consumed my thinking during March and April, I ventured back into the bottle in search of that ease and comfort. I regained consciousness to find my arms slashed and a knife by my side. Obviously, no sense of ease or comfort was found in that bottle.

Alcohol had stopped providing me with ease and comfort a very long time ago. It now offers incomprehensible demoralization with the false promise of ease and comfort.

However, I have recently found that I can experience that evasive sense of ease and comfort when I find the sincere willingness to live without it.

I experience ease and comfort when:

• I am willing to do what God wants me to do, rather than what I want to do.
• I am willing to accept reality as it is, without attempting to control it.
• I am willing to pray.
• I am willing to ask for help.
  
• I am willing to follow the advice and instruction of a sponsor.
• I am willing to let go of previously held concepts and ideas (i.e.: "Hey, but I already finished that step!")
• I am willing to live by spiritual principles.
• I am willing to find gratitude in unpleasant situations.
  
• I am willing to call someone every day, even when I don't want to.
• I am willing to go to a meeting every day, whether I "need" one or not. (Meetings don't exist for me! Whenever I think, "I don't need a meeting", that means I have the responsibility of attending a meeting anyway -- for everyone else who does need a meeting. Imagine desperately needing a meeting but nobody being there.)
• I am willing to grow.
  
• I am willing to feel discomfort.
  
• I am willing to be afraid.
• I am willing to be wrong.
  
• I am willing to help.
• I am willing to listen.
• I am willing to care.
• I am willing to get hurt.
• I am willing to make amends to everyone I have hurt.
• I am willing to live the life of a sober recovering alcoholic.

And when I find willingness to do these things -- and actually DO them -- I experience the same sense of ease and comfort that I once felt alcohol had robbed from me.

The "Serenity Prayer" is very popular over here:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The prayer seems to suggest that serenity is a requirement for acceptance ("Grant me the serenity to accept ...").

But to me, I think the prayer has it backwards. Serenity does not generate acceptance, but acceptance generates serenity. Willingness is the beginning of that process. When I become willing to experience the things I want to avoid, THEN I can accept the things I cannot change. Serenity is an effect or byproduct produced by that process.

As long as I seek to control or avoid an outcome, I will never experience serenity.

a desired change

Went to my homegroup tonight (err -- Friday night) and had a great time. It's strange how my attitudes towards people are changing.

From when I first came into the program up until a month ago, it was all about me. I had problems. I couldn't stop drinking. I was depressed. I was upset. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just showed up and sat there as if expecting some sort of accreditation of sobriety and spiritual growth via "assmosis".

But as I fight out of that shell, my mindset is turning outward. I want to know more about everyone else. I think about them during my day and pray for them when it feels right. I'm starting to look forward to calling people -- not to tell them about my day, but to ask them about theirs. I really want to know. And that's different for me! I've never really had a genuine interest in how somebody else's day went, or how they're feeling ... but now I sincerely want to listen. Although it's still hard for me to open up and share, that will be the next change.

I'm also enjoying the stepwork my sponsor gave me. One assignment is to make a list of all of the ways I tried to control my drinking. The other assignment is to make a list of all of the ways my life is unmanageable. I can't stop writing.

I'm in the right place with the right people. Thank God.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 219 days sober
• awesome AA buddies online and off
• my kickass homegroup
• my family, who has seen me for about 15 minutes total over the past week because I've been so busy working and going to meetings
• my adorable dog, who still thinks I'm someone worth cuddling with
• God, because I swear I felt Him with me over this past week

smoking dreams?

In AA, I often hear people share their experiences with vivid and usually upsetting drinking dreams. I've had them too. There's nothing like that feeling of waking up and wondering, "Oh my God -- did I drink again?" The dreams seem so frightfully real. I was so relieved to find out that they are normal to experience.

Well every night over the past five nights, I've had dreams about smoking. This is especially odd because I've never even had a cigarette before. No cigarettes, cigars, drugs, nothing. So I don't know where the dreams are coming from or why I'm having them. To make things even more crazy, my mom has also been having dreams about me smoking. WTF?

I really don't want to start smoking. I have no desire to pick up another addiction. Alcoholism is enough. It bothers me that I don't understand why I keep having these dreams, and why she keeps having them too.

I suppose it's time to stop obsessing over the "why's" and the worries. They are only dreams. In the mean time, I have a job to perform, a program to work, relationships to build, and a Higher Power who has this seemingly chaotic mess in perfect order.

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely," (1 Corinthians 13:12, NLT).

I need to come to terms that it's okay not to have the answers. It is even okay to never have the answers.

Where is faith in answers? And how can I stay sober without faith?


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 216 days sober
• my homegroup (Hey, I shared in a meeting tonight! Somebody check the weather -- because Hell must have frozen over!)
• my sponsor and the stepwork she gave me to do
• awesome AA buddies online and off
• my supportive family members who understand when they only see me for five minutes a day so that I can go to meetings. Feeling dastardly selfish about that one ...
  
• a job where I feel like my contribution is meaningful
• God, because He knows all about my screaming defects -- and loves me anyway
  

glass half empty

While getting dressed this morning, a series of thoughts ran through my head that perfectly captured my innate tendency to always see the worst side of everything in life.

I was in a hurry and hastily decided on an outfit. But I quickly realized that my slacks didn't fit. They were too big. I had apparently lost weight since I wore them last.

Now, I have been trying to lose weight over the past month. I have been eating healthy and exercising. But this morning when I realized that my slacks didn't fit, I became angry with myself for losing weight.

Ummm ... hello? Why on earth would anyone get upset for getting exactly what they wanted? But that's precisely what I did.

I see a similar pattern with other things in my life. Blessings are often first greeted with resentment and suspicion. In my mind, anything that seems too good to be true is too good to be true. Anything that seems to exceed my expectations must be a ticking time bomb waiting to go off the moment I trust it.

But deep down inside, I know that it really doesn't matter if something happens in my favor or against it. What happens, happens. It is what it is.

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."

I would like to get better at perceiving things around me in a more balanced perspective.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 214 days sober
• making it to a meeting tonight
• AA buddies online and off
• learning to call AA buddies
• my nice family
• a nice comfortable bed ... I'm so tired
• coffee tomorrow morning
• God, who helps me when I let go

chasing happiness?

From Twenty-Four Hours a Day, entry for November 4:

"We cannot find true happiness by looking for it. Seeking pleasure does not bring happiness in the long run, only disillusionment. Do not seek to have this fullness of joy by seeking pleasure. It cannot be done that way. Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life. True happiness comes as a result of living in all respects the way you believe God wants you to live, with regard to yourself and to other people."

This entry reminded me of the Coyote and Road Runner cartoon. The harder he chases after the road runner, the more pathetic the ending becomes. As he increases the ingenuity of his attempts, it merely increases the complexity of his failure (e.g.: he falls off a cliff, gets smashed by a giant bolder, and then blows up).

The harder I try to be happy, the more miserable I become. The faster I chase it, the faster it runs. It's only when I decide to stop, let go of my will, and give it to God that I can experience happiness.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 213 days sober
• Amazingly Awesome AA buddies online and off
• my supportive family, because they understand when I spend my evenings at meetings instead of with them
• my sponsor, who has given me a bunch of work to do. I need it.
• coffee, caffeine, computer, and car
• sleep
• God, who will enable me to do everything He needs me to do

tgfc

TGFC: Thank God for Coffee! I'll be needing it over the next few weeks. My department will be working 7am-7pm Monday-Saturday through the end of November ... and possibly into December. Yippee. I'm just grateful to have a job, to be paid by the hour, and that I can still squeeze in my regular 8:00 meetings.

It was another awesome meeting at my homegroup tonight. I'm so grateful for everyone there! I feel like such a newbie. I can't read the Big Book fast enough, though I've read it already a few times. It's just too much to remember.

I read the Big Book before I came to my first AA meeting. I didn't want to bother going to an AA meeting without knowing if it could help me. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. But I considered AA to be just a punishment for drivers charged with DUI/DWI -- that REAL alcoholics (such as myself) are hopeless nutcases who either drink themselves to death or die in asinine accidents worthy of Darwin Award nomination.

If not for the Big Book, I would have never come to believe that anything could restore me to sanity. But when I read the Doctor's Opinion and Bill's Story, I saw that I shared a common experience -- and then I saw hope! When it said at the end of Bill's Story that he was the founder of AA, I cried out of gratitude for the first time in a long time. I came to believe that AA could help me.

So I don't understand how or why newcomers keep coming back to AA meetings when they haven't read the Big Book yet. If all I did was come to my first meeting, be accosted by an overzealous mob of well-intentioned people, and read the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on the wall, I would have been scared off. The mob would have been instantly written off as fanatics.

Besides, what is so hope-spawning about the Steps or Traditions for a newcomer? What alcoholic has ever enjoyed reading rules and guidelines anyway? Sure, we also read the Ninth Step Promises, but those sound like too-good-to-be-true sales pitches to newcomers. Maybe I'm too cynical, but that would have also turned me away if I had not already been convinced that the program works.

We all arrive to AA in our own unique ways, and no one way is better than another. I guess I'm having a hard time identifying with newcomers who didn't arrive at AA the way that I did. I don't really know what to say or do to encourage them. I really don't understand why they keep coming back.

What made you keep coming back?


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 211 days sober
• going to my homegroup tonight
• AA buddies online and off
• my cool family
• finally finding out what's been making me sick (I've been breathing insulation in my car ... the vent is spewing particles and small chunks into the cabin, but I didn't notice until recently when I started my car in the daylight.)
• getting to sleep in tomorrow
• God, who provides what I need (not necessarily what I want) when I'm ready to handle it
  

wednesday is spelled funny

Today started out kind of weird. I was rushing out to my car to get to work on time, and found that the neighborhood kids pelted every car on the street with eggs. I gave them Halloween candy last night, dammit. Yeah. Thanks. Stupid little brainless bastard punkass smacktards ...

I got so pissed. (That's proof that I'm turning into an old geezer!) But as I drove to work in stop-and-go traffic, I read out of Twenty Four Hours a Day:

"Hope is justified by many right nows, by the rightness of the present. Nothing can happen to me that God does not will for me. I can hope for the best, as long as I have what I have and it is good."

Nothing really felt "right" about having my car vandalized. But I guess the "rightness of the present" is supposed to encompass the entire present -- not just the individual things that bother me.

Yeah, my car got pelted. But at least I HAVE a car. And the rest of my life is getting better every day. I'm sober. I have an amazing family. I have a good job. I'm finally reaching out to people in AA. I have a relationship with a Power greater than myself, and He is holding my hand through this difficult transitional phase called "life".

And here I am complaining about what again? It's always the little things that knock me off balance ...

Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 210 damn days sober
• making it to my homegroup meeting tonight
• AA buddies online and off
• my cool family
• my cute & affectionate dog: "God, please help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."
• my patient supervisor at work
• being allowed to listen to our own music at work (w/headphones)
• feeling sleepy enough to sleep ... I hope
• God, because He has a purpose for my life, even when I don't see it
  

Lyrics: "The Root of All Evil"

Band: Dream Theater
Album: Octavarium
Lyrics: Mike Portnoy



[VI. Ready]

Proud enough for you to call me arrogant
Greedy enough to be labeled a thief
Angry enough for me to go and hurt a man
Cruel enough for me to feel no grief

Never could have just a part of it
I always need more to get by
Getting right down to the heart of it
The root of all evil has been running my whole life

Dirty enough for me to lust
Leaving nothing left to trust
Jealous enough to still feel envious
Lazy enough to sleep all day
And let my life just waste away
Selfish enough to make you wait for me

Driven blindly by our sins
Misled so easily
Entirely ready to leave it behind
I'm begging to break free

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be

[VII. Remove]

Self-centered fear has got a hold of me
Clutching my throat
Self righteous anger running all through me
Ready to explode

Procrastination paralyzing me
Wanting me dead
These obsessions that keep haunting me
Won't leave my head

Help to do for me what I can't do myself
Take this fear and pain
I can't break out this prison all alone
Help me break these chains

Humility now my only hope
Won't you take all of me
Heal this dying soul

I can feel my body breaking
I can feel my body breaking
I'm ready to let it all go
I can feel my body shaking
Right down to the foundation
The root of it all

Take all of me
And the drive that keep burning deep inside
Cast it all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me what I can be
I am ready
Come to me
Take me away

[Dedicated to Bill W. and all of his friends]

exhausted

I almost fell asleep several times at the meeting tonight, so I'll make this entry short.

Another thing that really hit me yesterday is the meditation for October 30, from "Twenty Four Hours A Day":

"There is a time for everything. We should learn to wait patiently until the right time comes. Easy does it. We waste our energies in trying to get things before we are ready to have them, before we have earned the right to receive them. A great lesson we have to learn is how to wait with patience. We can believe that all our life is a preparation for something better to come when we have earned the right to it. We can believe that God has a plan for our lives and that this plan will work out in the fullness of time."

I want things I don't have, can't have, and shouldn't have. Don't we all? Whenever I acquire something I'm not supposed to have, I always lose it because I'm not yet able to handle it.

So instead of wishing things were different, I need to embrace my situations as they are. If I don't have something, it's because 1) I'm not ready for it yet, or 2) I haven't done the footwork to earn it.

I need to focus on today and stay in the moment. I must learn how to embrace each moment, even when they defy my desires.


Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 208 days sober
• AA buddies online and off
• my loving family
• my very patient boss
• meeting with my sponsor at the meeting tonight
• giving out candy to the trick-or-treaters
• my fully functioning car. It's a miracle that everything still works!
  
• God, who occasionally allows me to have things I shouldn't have, so that the end result will teach me to stop wanting things I shouldn't have
  

openly and freely

From "Twenty Four Hours a Day", entry for October 30:

"My idea of friendship has changed. Friends are no longer people whom I can use for my own pleasure of profit. Friends are now people who understand me and I them, whom I can help and who can help me to live a better life. I have learned not to hold back and wait for friends to come to me, but to go half way and to be met half way, openly and freely."

When I read that passage this morning, I nearly flipped out. I have ALWAYS waited for "friends" to come to me! I have never made a wholehearted attempt to meet anyone halfway. Whenever I try to meet people halfway, I hold up my guard out of fear of getting hurt, and I retreat far before reaching the halfway point. That is anything BUT "openly and freely" as described above.

Lately, however, I have been letting my guard down while taking steps toward that threatening halfway point. It is as scary as hell every time. It amazes me how much of my social interaction is governed by fear.

A few months ago, if you had asked me why I did not mingle and socialize, I would have said "I'm too busy," "I don't need friends," "I'm socially defective," "I'm not worth knowing anyway," or "I just want to be alone." All of those excuses are lies. But countless times I have found it preferable to convince myself into believing those lies rather than to face my fear.

In recovery, I have been engaging in these old behaviors resulting from my old ideas. I need to get rid of my old ideas. They are holding me back.

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

"Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!

"Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon."

I leave no room for God's protection and care when I insist on protecting and caring for myself. This is why I am supposed to let go absolutely, and relinquish jurisdiction of my life to God with complete abandon. Until I let go of everything -- my old ideas, old behaviors, pride, and fears -- I will never be the person that God wants me to be.


Today, I am especially grateful for ...

• being 207 days sober
• experiencing some clarity today
• my family
• my dog
• AA buddies online and off
• my car
• my job
  
• God, because His patience is stronger than my hardheadedness

"grapevine what's-her-name"

This week has been odd. My emotions are becoming volatile again. There were many highs and lows. I thank God for the period of relative emotional stability that I experienced over the past month. That was nice.

Today started out volatile but ended well. I was invited to attend my sponsor's homegroup "eating meeting" tonight, which they only have four times a year. I don't recall her telling me beforehand that SHE was going to be the speaker! I would have been much more excited to attend if I had known that. It was awesome to hear her story. I'm so glad that I went!

Then I went to the Saturday 10pm meeting and made it a second home group (however, I'm reserving my voting rights for my primary home group). After the meeting, they held a group conscience meeting and elected new people to fill various roles. They elected me to maintain the supply of Grapevine issues. I've never even seen a Grapevine issue before! (Err, what's the Grapevine? Find out [here].) My new nickname there is "Grapevine What's-Her-Name". Surely there must be something better than that ...

The term lasts for one year. I hope I can stay sober for a year! I never thought I could last six months, but here I am. By the grace of God go I.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 206 DAMN days sober
• AA buddies online and off
• having a service committment
  
• my supportive family
  
• my functioning car, which gets me to meetings
• being tired enough to sleep tonight (I hope)
  
• God, who knows the future but STILL isn't freaked out about it
  

three surprises

Today was full of surprises, but three of them stood out the most.

This morning, rush hour decided not to be so difficult, so I got to work 30 minutes early. I sat in my car and read some devotionals.

When I felt "ready" to go on into work, I got out of the car and was immediately greeted by my bosses' bosses' bosses' boss ... a company VP. I had no idea who she was at first.

As we stood there in the parking lot, she introduced herself and shook my hand. Not only did she already know my name, but she complimented me over how I handled a situation during my first week there. I was shocked! That's surprise #1.

At the end of the work day, my coworker (mentioned in this other post) who had refused to speak to me for three weeks -- actually spoke to me! As she got up to leave today, I turned my head to say "Have a good night" -- but she beat me to it! She said it first. I was shocked again! That's surprise #2.

I'm grateful to be sober, because if I had been drinking, I: 1) wouldn't have this job anyway; 2) wouldn't have handled the VP-mentioned situation properly; and 3) would not have responded appropriately to my coworker's silence.

Those were just little things, but sometimes little things carry unexpected significance.

Then I went to a Step Study meeting tonight. It was on Step 3: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

We read a part out of the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions that hit me hard:

" ... Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God -- or if you like, a Higher Power -- into our lives. Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives" (p.34).

I have felt for a long time that I had already taken steps 1-3 "in my heart". But tonight I saw that my thinking has been full of self-will.

For example, I haven't been working with a sponsor. Why? I blamed it on several things. They're too hard to find. I don't have time. I asked about a dozen people in the past two months and they all turned me down or referred me to someone else because they don't have time for another sponsee. I was scared of being rejected again. But all of those reasons could be summed up with one word: "pride". If I had been more humble, I would not have let excuses stand in the way, and I would have asked many more people instead of my selective few.

It is only by taking action that I can cut away self-will ... hrmm ...

So after the Step Study meeting -- which was a HUGE meeting with about 100 people -- I stuck around and asked someone what I needed to do to get a sponsor. I had never asked about getting sponsor at this particular meeting before. I was shocked when the actual lady I asked was willing to give me a shot! That's surprise #3.

Surprise #4 will be if she decides to keep me! Or perhaps that would be a blessing of God's grace instead.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 201 days sober
• realizing that my ideas have been wrong
• finding someone who was willing to sponsor me
• experiencing a day of surprises
• God, who somehow has this all planned out

Lyrics: "The Glass Prison", by Dream Theater

I. REFLECTION

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful
Been beaten to a pulp
Vigorous, Irresistable
Sick and tired and laid low
Dominating, Invincible
Black-out, loss of control
Overwhelming, Unquenchable
I'm powerless, have to let go

I can't escape it
It leaves me frail and worn
Can no longer take it
Senses tattered and torn

Hopeless surrender
Obsession's got me beat
Losing the will to live
Admitting complete defeat

Fatal Descent
Spinning around
I've gone too far
To turn back round

Desperate attempt
Stop the progression
At any length
Lift this obsession

Crawling to my glass prison
A place where no one knows
My secret lonely world begins

So much safer here
A place where I can go
To forget about my daily sins

Life here in my glass prison
A place I once called home
Fall in nocturnal bliss again

Chasing a long lost friend
I no longer can control
Just waiting for this hopelessness to end


II. RESTORATION

Run - fast from the wreckage of the past
A shattered glass prison wall behind me
Fight - past walking through the ashes
A distant oasis before me

Cry - desperate crawling on my knees
Begging God to please stop the insanity
Help me - I'm trying to believe
Stop wallowing in my self pity

"We've been waiting for you my friend
The writing's been on the wall
All it takes is a little faith
You know you're the same as us all"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone

Enter the door
Desperate
Fighting no more
Help me restore
To my sanity
At this temple of hope

I need to learn
Teach me how
Sorrow to burn
Help me return
To humanity
I'll be fearless and thorough
To enter this temple of hope

Believe
Transcend the pain
Living the life
Humility
Opened my eyes
This new odyssey
Of rigorous honesty

Serenity
That I never knew
Soundness of mind
Helped me to find
Courage to change
All the things that I can

"We'll help you perform this miracle
But you must set your past free
You dug the hole, but you can't bury your soul
Open your mind and you'll see"

Help me - I can't break out this prison all alone
Save me - I'm drowning and I'm hopeless on my own
Heal me - I can't restore my sanity alone


III. REVELATION

Way off in the distance I saw a door
I tried to open
I tried forcing with all of my will but still
The door wouldn't open

Unable to trust in my faith
I turned and walked away
I looked around, felt a chill in the air
Took my will and turned it over

The glass prison which once held me is gone
A long lost fortress
Armed only with liberty
And the key of my willingness

Fell down on my knees and prayed
"Thy will be done"
I turned around, saw a light shining through
The door was wide open

--

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 200 days sober
• my cool brother, for introducing me to awesome music that I otherwise would not have found
• my supportive family
• the nice people who stop by this blog
• nice warm AA meetings on cold nights
• seeing a guy pick up a white chip tonight
• seeing familiar faces at the meeting tonight
• God, because He speaks to us in so many different ways. We can hear when we listen ...

wow, i'm such a newbie

I had the good fortune of attending three meetings today. The first two were speaker meetings. I got to hear two awesome speakers share their unique stories. I have no idea how people do that. I would be scared to death!

The third meeting tonight was open discussion. Just when I was starting to feel comfortable with the idea of sharing, the topics ventured outside my realm of experience. I was so grateful to be able to sit, listen, and learn.

I used to know someone (outside of AA) who responded to everybody's problems with a standard universally applicable response: "Well, at least you're not on fire." His reasoning was that if you didn't get set on fire today, then whatever shitty things that happened to you couldn't have been that bad in comparison.

It sounds like a rude and demented response, but its sadistic humor got me through some tough times in the past and still gets me through them today. However, sharing that with someone in an AA meeting wouldn't exactly help them! (You see, this is why I sit and listen through meetings ... I need to learn more so that I will eventually have something useful to share.)

So I am once again left in awe of the wisdom and generosity of the people in this program. The old-timers / long-timers knew exactly what to say. They always do. I'm so grateful that they keep coming back to these meetings and sharing their experience, strength, and hope. There are reasonable answers to every life issue, even though they are often not what we want to hear. Usually the answer we like the least is the best one for us.

Tonight was a learning experience. If only I could sit and listen to a thousand meetings, maybe I'd get a tiny bit smarter and more helpful. Or more likely, I just need to live sober and work the program for a few decades. (Of course that's the right answer -- it's the more difficult one!)


Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 198 "DAMN days" sober!
• the awesome and patient folks in AA who keep coming back and the brave souls who share their experience, strength, and hope
  
• "butt trusted?!" (joke at my homegroup ... see tradition #2)
  
• fellow bloggers who keep posting
• my reliable car, which gets me to meetings
• my nice family and adorable dog
• God, because today I have witnessed Him using alcoholics to help each other

just for today

Some words of wisdom, from AlAnon:

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I think I can fit alot of meetings in! Maybe I can get some sleep too. I'm so tired!

For the most part I'm just grateful to be sober, and to have experienced peace today.

I sense that a coworker of mine hates me. She mistrained me a few times over the past week, the most recent time being blatantly intentional. She won't look at me or talk to me -- even when I say, "Good morning". At first, I was tempted to get upset and offended. But now, all I can see is the pain and fear inside of her. I can't feel angry or hurt when I see that someone is suffering. I need to grow and become helpful.

At the same time, I am responsible for my own serenity. I cannot allow the actions of other people to affect my serenity, whether for better or for worse. My serenity must be based on something immovable and timeless -- something that never changes. From that point, life can crash or fly ... but serenity would always remain balanced.

And now I'm just typing because I'm exhausted and can't think of anything else to say. It's time for bed ...


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 197 days sober (in dedication to an AA buddy, those would be "197 DAMN days" sober!)
  
• Alcoholics Anonymous and AlAnon
• going to my favorite AA meeting tonight: "If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it." This group makes people want it!
• the wisdom and generosity of other recovering alcoholics
  
• prayer
  
• finding a way to accept a few initially unwanted circumstances and find gratitude in them
• my loving and supportive family
• my adorable dog
• my coworkers ... even the troubled ones
• God, because He makes serenity and peace possible
  

wednesdayness

Went to my favorite meeting tonight ... and I finally shared in a meeting.

Geez. By the way I dragged my heels about this, you would have thought it was skydiving or Xtreme nude swimming with sharks. (And poisonous stingrays too, crikey!)

The topic revolved around some life issues that reminded me of a few passages in the Big Book that I've been trying to memorize:

"Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." (p. 62)

"We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, 'This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.'

"We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one." (p. 66-67)

"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us." (p. 77)

I'm too tired to type more tonight. I must be getting OLD! Either that, or I haven't been getting enough sleep lately ... go figure :)


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 195 days sober
• going to my favorite meeting today! Woohoo!
• my supportive and wonderful family
• the nice people who read my blog
• my nice warm bed ... which is looking more comfortable by the second ...
• God, because He has blessed me with desperation to stay sober, and I hope it never leaves
  

monday gratitude

Work went well today. It flashed by quickly. I'm so grateful to be learning the spiritual principles in AA -- they make work so much easier. The drama isn't so overwhelming.

I went to another new meeting tonight, and got to meet new people and see familiar faces. It's cool to be able to go to a new meeting but not feel so alone once you get there. I also got to see the lady I spoke with after Saturday night's meeting. It was good to see her, and to see that she's still working through her problem sober.


Today, I'm especially grAAteful for ...

• being 193 days sober
• not having to hide anything (WOW! Nothing to hide!)
• being allowed to be me. I don't have to be anyone else anymore. I can be myself.
  
• the awesome people at AA meetings. They treat me with more kindness than I generally return. Providing appropriate reciprocity has always been difficult. I'm trying to improve, but I'm still afraid to open up. Just taking baby steps ...
  
• the nice people who read my blog
• the patient people at work who are training me
• my supportive and loving family
• realizing (again) that happiness is a result of my spiritual condition, not my circumstances
• the ability to stop ... stop thinking ... stop moving ... just STOP
• God, because He is there when I can stop long enough to pay attention to Him
  

humbling experience

Something happened tonight that I have never seen before, and I hope I never forget.

I went to a discussion meeting. A nice lady apologetically arrived a few minutes late. She appeared to be in her mid-30's. When the discussion opened, she introduced herself as "Jen" and said she took her last drink eleven hours ago. She was from out of town and was temporarily staying with her parents in town. They were planning on seeing a doctor on Tuesday to consider her options for treatment.

But as the meeting went on, her hands started to tremble. Then they started to shake. The people sitting on each side of her took her hands and held them in their own. Soon she was shaking so hard that even they couldn't keep her hands still.

The meeting leader (a 30-year sober old-timer) told her that her physical condition was becoming serious, and that she needed to get to a hospital or treatment center immediately. Everyone in the room agreed with him.

But she said she was afraid it would make her parents angry. Her parents did not believe her when she told them she was an alcoholic. They refused to allow her to even propose alcoholism as a potential condition, even though she told them about her drinking habits and withdrawal symptoms. But even as she spoke, her whole body started going into convulsions. Still she kept on speaking as if nothing was wrong. It took everyone in the entire meeting to convince her that she needed to get medical help.

A few people shared their experiences with needing medical help during withdrawal, one guy saying that when he was in similar shape, his blood pressure was high enough to suffer a stroke or heart attack. She finally agreed to get medical help. The meeting leader cut the meeting short and several members arranged to get her to a center.

She was still worried about making her parents angry.


---


I do not know what to say. I never experienced the withdrawal symptoms that she did, and I have never seen anyone in that condition. What really struck me was that she was so concerned about the possibility of angering her parents for seeking medical help. Most people do not understand that alcohol withdrawal can be medically endangering. Some people literally DIE when they stop drinking: The mortality rate for delerium tremens ("the DTs") is 35% for those who do not receive medical help, and 5% for those who receive early help.

I feel bad that her parents did not support her. I also feel bad for her parents, because although I am sure that they love her, they are facing the shock of social stigma. That is why they so vehemently denied her confession of being an alcoholic.

It is terribly unfortunate that society places such a negative stigma toward alcoholics. If she told her parents that she had developed a phobia or a type of depression, they would have accepted her condition and supported her with open arms. But alcoholism is simply dirty in the eyes of society. It throws unaware loved ones into denial over an alcoholic's condition, and it prevents many alcoholics from seeking help. Alcoholics do not want to have that negative stigma applied to them, and they do not want to disappoint, dishonor, or humiliate their families. So it is only out of true desperation that alcoholics finally come to their families for help. Being told, "No, you're not an alcoholic" or being otherwise shunned is scarring. They are ashamed of themselves enough already.

I did not want that stigma applied to me, and I did not want to dishonor my family, so I spent a year trying to stop drinking on my own. I repeatedly failed. The longest I could stay continuously sober was 12 days. I was too ashamed and did not want my parents to know that their beloved daughter -- an honors student in college and national champion Tae Kwon Do Master -- was an alcoholic. I strived to make them proud all my life, but I felt that my alcoholism would result in ultimate disappointment. I could not do that to them. I admitted my alcoholism to the few close friends who knew of my drinking, but I never accepted it. I did not want to be an alcoholic. It was not until I became desperate enough to stay sober that I became willing to be an alcoholic.

I am still willing to be an alcoholic. Because now that I am willing to embrace the truth about myself, I am empowered to recover and to spiritually grow. Recovery and growth are impossible for someone in denial or resentment of their condition. I do not deny my alcoholism, and I do not resent it either. I embrace it. I would not change it for the world. Now I can grow, rise out of the shame, and finally experience peace.

I am very fortunate that my parents accepted me with open arms when I told them about my alcoholism. I was more worried about dishonoring them than anything else. But at least now, the lie is over, so I can make my parents proud for who I really am, and not for who I pretended to be. I am also very fortunate that I did not experience extreme physical withdrawal symptoms. I do not understand why I was spared while others were not spared, but I am grateful.

Anyone who reads this, please, if you could, remember "Jen" and her parents in your prayers.


Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 192 days sober
• meeting "Jen" tonight
• being willing to be an alcoholic
• having a supportive family
• being reminded of the preciousness of sobriety, and the desperation of alcohol's influence
• God, because He has provided a way to live