Resentments

According to the Big Book, resentments are to be avoided like the plague. Normal people can harbor resentments and still function. But alcoholics cannot. Second paragraph of page 66 in the Big Book:

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

"If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

Something interesting I've noticed at work yesterday: experiencing stress at work causes me to feel resentful towards everything in my entire life. I tried to avoid the resentments yesterday, but when you have one of those workdays where everything that CAN go wrong, GOES wrong in a non-stop 10-hour torrent, you start to feel resentful. It just happens. (And that's exactly what yesterday was like. It was a 10-hour demonstration of Murphy's Law.)

The problem is, once I start feeling resentment toward one thing, I start feeling resentment toward other things. Work resentments fuel personal resentments. Then the intensity grows until I become a resentful, rant-spewing monster.

So what started out as:

"Oh, no! Why did [Coworker] leave such a mess?"

... after finding more messes, leads to ...

"Good grief! Can't [Coworker] do anything right?"

... leads to ...

"These customers keep getting mad at me because [Coworker] screwed everything up! God, please help me to calm down."

... leads to ...

"I'll bet he even gets paid more than I do. They give him every Sunday off and make me work every Sunday. I can't even go to church anymore because of him. God, I'm starting to get resentful. Please help me not to be resentful."

... leads to ...

"I can't go to church anymore. How am I supposed to grow spiritually when I can't go to church? God, this is bothering me."

... leads to ...

"I need to grow spiritually. I need to go to church! My spiritual life is in shambles. My stupid, pathetic mental issues caused me to lose the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I want to get better, dammit!"

... leads to ...

"Well damn him anyway. He cheated on me, did backflips to win me back, then just as soon as I started to love and trust him again, he broke up with me. Screw that. He wants nothing to do with me. I should feel the same. Screw him."

... leads to ...

"Screw everything. Screw everyone. Why won't my coworkers stop paging me for help? Can't they see I'm helping five other customers right now? All of their stupid questions are already answered on the package anyway. Why can't people think for themselves? I can't even think for myself, dammit!"

And it goes on and on in a never-ending downward spiral. There were actually many more rants than these during the course of the 10-hour work day. My "coworker" didn't make ALL the mistakes. Many of them were made by the company itself, other coworkers, and employees from other stores. So the rants spewed over toward them as well. I even ranted against myself for being so retarded in the first place. And of course during the entire ordeal, I desperately wanted to drink ...

But the real problem is: I normally don't think this way; I don't WANT to think this way; and I don't know how to get out of it once the spiral starts.

I tried prayer, but it didn't work. Of course, the prayer was being done while "cheerfully" helping customers while wearing my fake plastic smile. Since it was such a hectic day, there was never a calm moment. I'm not even allowed to take short 10-minute breaks. I prayed before work too, but that didn't seem to do any good.

The only thing that helped was finally leaving work for the day. Removing myself from the environment made everything better. But that is not always a viable option. There must be a better way of dealing with such "runaway thoughts". Escape has always been provided by alcohol, which was bad. So other means of escape must be equally bad, right?

I thought the whole point was to "grow along spiritual lines", which I interpret as meaning rising ABOVE the old alcoholic ways of coping. I hope to learn such ways soon. Preferably before I lose my mind.

Sober another day :)

Today, I really wanted to drink.

It was a sad and stressful day today. Sad from the pain of losing my best friend/boyfriend last week, and stressful for reasons related to finding a job (and I MUST find one -- I put in two weeks' notice at my current job) -- but especially for knowing that a beloved family member is going to have surgery tomorrow. This kind of stuff makes me want to drink.

Went to two AA meetings today. In fact, I've attended two meetings every day for the past week. The meetings seem to help. Simply talking with other alcoholics and getting to know them better helps me to feel less ... "freaky". They say that during the first several months of sobriety, you go a little crazy (well, in the words of an old-timer at a meeting tonight: "you go absolutely bat sh*t crazy"). Mentally, you still think like a drunk person thinks, and you respond to situations in similar ways that a drunk person would respond (though with a tiny bit more control). But emotionally, you feel as if you are allergic to your own skin. You don't know who you are anymore. You don't feel comfortable existing -- which is exactly how I've been feeling since I stopped drinking in January.

And all this time, I thought there was something wrong with me personally. There were several times in which I thought I was literally having nervous breakdowns. It helps to know that all of the emotional/mental discomfort I've been experiencing is completely NORMAL and will PASS.

Getting through these past few days without a drink has been pure hell. Heck, I've somehow lost 10 pounds over the past week through remorse, guilt, worry, etc. But I'm SO glad that I abstained from the drink. Thanks to God for helping me through.

To anyone else out there struggling, just remember: "You don't have to drink today."

The Music in You

"Don't die with the music still inside you." -- Unknown


Lyrics: "You only get what you give" -- New Radicals


Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age fourteen
They got you down on your knees
So polite
We're busy still saying please


Frienemies
Who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night
We smash their mercedes benz
First we run
And then we laugh 'till we cry


But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
you feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight


You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget we only get what we give


[I'm comin' home baby]
[You're tops, give it to me now]


Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke
But hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial


But when the night is falling
And you cannot find a friend
You feel your tree is breaking
Just bend


You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give


This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok follow your heart
You're in harms way I'm right behind
Now say you're mine


You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give


Don't let go
I feel the music in you
Fly high
What's real can't die
We only get what we give
You're gonna get what you give
Just dont be afraid to live

Grateful for AA

I'm so happy to express my appreciation for Alcoholics Anonymous. The unconditional support and acceptance I have received there is simply amazing.

When I walked into my first AA meeting on January 11, I didn't know what to expect. I was afraid of being judged or turned away. I was also afraid of being smothered by fanatics. Well, neither one of those fears came true.

Even after I had been sober for 70 days, then screwed up and drank again -- I was afraid to tell anyone at first. I was afraid they would judge or criticize me. But they didn't! Instead, they just conveyed the simple down-to-earth message: "You don't have to drink today. In fact, you don't have to drink ever again." There were no egotistical "Shame on you!" speeches. They simply responded by offering more help.

Outside of the "World of AA", there is another world full of tasks that you need to complete, objectives you need to reach, and responsibilities you need to fulfill -- but just trying to stay sober takes up so much energy and effort, these other tasks seem absolutely impossible. All you know is that you've been repeatedly getting your rear-end kicked by a bottle. When dealing with a simple BOTTLE is so overwhelming for you, how on earth are you supposed to deal with bigger problems? It makes you feel so inadequate and stupid for having so much trouble doing what everyone else does.

The mental whirlwind of finding a job makes me want to drink. It's HARD to rewrite resumes, write cover letters, and fill out job applications when I feel like a completely inadequate individual, that the entire world is against me and wants me to fail. It's also difficult knowing that if any of those employers knew the TRUTH about me being a recovering alcoholic, I'd be rejected instantly.

At least when I go to AA meetings, I don't have to worry about being rejected. Nobody there wants me to fail. It's a breath of fresh air to know that there really is a group of people somewhere that wants to watch me succeed -- one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. And right now, that's the best I can do.

It's a huge step up from where I was weeks and months ago. At least I believe there is hope now.

Observations on Step 3

1) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmanageable.

2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Okay, I think I'm done with steps 1 and 2 now. They seem so simple -- like they should be completed automatically. It's harder than it seems though.

Now it's time to proceed to step 3:

3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Oooh -- turning our will and our lives over to God. There are few things more terrifying than letting go of EVERYTHING important to us.

Me? I like to control things. Here's a good example: I love playing a video game called The Sims 2. In that game, you control simulated people (called "sims") as they live their daily lives. They have a variety of needs that must be fulfilled to stay alive -- and they also have aspirational wants that must be fulfilled to keep them happy. You control what sims eat, how they dress, when they shower, which characters they become friends with, etc. You control whether they live happy lives, or if they die in misery. The game has this built-in function called "Free Will". If you give your sims Free Will, they will try their best to fulfill their own needs. But sometimes, they really suck at it.

I once had a sim who had so much fun playing the piano that he forgot to go to the bathroom, so he literally wet his pants. I've also had sims who got so hungry, they wouldn't stop ranting and raving "Can't you see I'm hungry over here?" that they literally starved to death in front of the refrigerator. As you can see, sims aren't exactly the epitome of intelligence.

Neither am I.

God gave me Free Will, and I know what my needs are. But sometimes I get so distracted pursuing other things that I ignore my needs. Sometimes, just like the hungry sim in front of the refrigerator, I simply complain about my needs until the situation reaches critical mass and implodes on itself.

Perhaps if I was thinking more about God, and less about myself, the decisions I make for myself wouldn't be so ... stupid.

Obviously my decisions haven't been exactly stellar. I kept picking up bottles of vodka over the past two years and drinking myself into blackouts -- even though I knew I needed to stop. I'm an unemployed college graduate (graduated with honors for goodness sake) who has not been able to get "a real job" since graduating 15 months ago. Worst of all, I caused someone I love to stop loving me. Leaving myself in charge of my life has resulted in a miserable existance.

Let's go back in time: if I hired a personal manager two years ago, and his decisions put me where I find myself today, I'd fire him.

But the thing is, it wasn't a "personal manager's" decisions that put me here today. My own decisions put me here. I'd fire someone else for it. Am I willing to fire myself and put God in charge?

Is it Hug-A-Llama Day yet?

Because it's fun having this song stuck in your head while you're trying to go to sleep:

[Click here for the World's Most Beloved Llama Song]

Letting Go

"Letting him go" so that he can be happier without you is a painful thing to do. I said I'd let go ... but I guess I haven't -- because if I had really "let go", it wouldn't hurt so much.

I feel like part of me is dead. Even if I could "get involved" with something else -- a new hobby, a new job, a new anything -- there's a huge gaping hole left behind.

Bitterness is tempting. The futile desire to go back in time and redo EVERYTHING is overpowering. Frustration with myself is overwhelming. Downright hatred alternates with sad memories of lost love and the realization that things simply "didn't work out". Whatever consolation that's supposed to bring ...

I existed before meeting him. I have no idea how.

Why Nobody Should EVER Work in Retail

Some of the things I have observed over the years while working in retail:

Your company hates you. Who? You. You who? Who are you? And why are you tresspassing on company property? We're going to call the polic--- err, wait a minute. You work here? Why aren't you WORKING? GET TO WORK!

Your bosses don't trust you or care about you.

Your childish coworkers are intimidated by you and do whatever it takes to publicly humiliate you so that they feel better about themselves.

You are expected to be on your feet on a hard concrete floor for 9-hour shifts every weekend, but you're only allowed one unpaid 30-minute break during the day to rest, eat, and use the bathroom.

If you get hurt while doing your job, your bosses tell you to suck it up and get back to work. If they really like you, they will let you get back to work after the bleeding stops.

Your company routinely advertises items at INSANELY low prices and won't allow rainchecks or substitutions -- but it only ships you two items to sell -- which leaves customers pissed off at YOU PERSONALLY when you don't have any left.

Your company inflates prices the day before something goes "On Sale" -- so the "Sale" price is actually the regular price. Then you feel like a dirty scumbag when little old grandmas on welfare come in and think they're getting a good deal. You know they aren't, but you'd get fired if you told them the truth.

Your company completely ignores market trends -- so even though hundreds of customers come in asking for a particular item every day -- you will NEVER carry that item. Why? Just because.

You are expected to run your entire department with no help -- never mind the fact that there are five customers needing help at any given time, and the phone is ringing off the hook, and you have 26 more things to complete on your bosses "To Do" list before you close in 10 minutes. You can't stay late to finish your checklist, and if it isn't finished, you will suffer "corrective action". The customers are still glaring at you. The phone is still ringing. You have ten minutes ...

You are expected to lie to customers and convince them that they need overpriced accessories for their purchases -- even when they don't need them. If you don't meet your scam quota for the day, you are ridiculed.

If you can't sell a $25 extended warranty on a $50 gadget, your boss will bring it to the attention of all your coworkers, who will take turns laughing at you -- because apparently they have no problem selling $25 extended warranties on $50 gadgets. You're the idiot.

Your customers treat you like dirt. They ask for your advice, then turn around and say "Heh, what does she know? She works in retail! Hahaha!"

If you're lucky enough to be working during bank hours (Monday - Friday, 9am - 5pm), you might catch a glimpse of someone in an expensive suit from the "Corporate Office". He will stiffly glance down at you on occasion, and without a word, sweep his white-gloved finger across the backside of a shelf (which nobody can see) to show you the dust that you haven't cleaned. He glares at you, and then your boss jumps to mimic him and glares at you too. Obviously, the dust on the back of the shelf caused the company's stock to tumble 3% last week. Shame on you!

You get paid minimum wage to slave for these jerks every weekend and holiday.

Given all of the above conditions: You are expected to be chipper, upbeat, energetic, and enthusiastic every MINUTE that you are at work. Forget to smile to one customer, and that will be the ONE customer out of a million who will notice and decide to complain to your manager ... who will administer corrective action, and expect you to return to work with genuine enthusiasm.




And I *swear* that all companies automatically blacklist any job applicant with retail in their work history: "Oh! You have a college degree in just what we were looking for -- errr, OOPS! ...... I'm sorry, but you worked as a grocery store cashier in September of 1992. We have no positions available for losers like you. The security guard will escort you off our property. Have a nice day." Then they spray everything you touched with disinfectant after you leave -- as if you're some sort of leper.




Plastic smiles powered by caffeine, aspirin, and gallons of Prozac.

I'm sick of it and I want out, dammit.

Take my advice:

NEVER GET A JOB IN RETAIL.

Stuck on Step 2: Rationalizing The Nature of God?

A belief in a "Higher Power" or "God as you understand him" is a cornerstone of AA. It's the second step: "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I think the existence of God is obvious to anyone who studies the complexities of the universe. Check out biology, astronomy, or physics. The deeper you go into those studies, the more apparent it becomes that some all-powerful, meticulous being set everything into place and prevents it from all collapsing into itself. (If you don't see it, you haven't gone deep enough yet).

I was raised to be a Christian. I spent most of my life loving God, praying, and worshipping God. I never stopped believing that God existed, but I think I stopped believing that God cares. What happened? I don't know.

I've been drilling into my head recently the part about a "power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". It's stupid to believe that God is too puny to restore my sanity, since I believe He's powerful enough to create and sustain the universe. That's just silly and egotistical. It's illogical, but that's exactly what I have been believing ... and I don't understand WHY I'm stuck on it.

In Chapter 5 of the Big Book, it says:

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventure before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:


(a)That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b)That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c)That God could and would if He were sought.

I'm stuck at the second half of part C. I know that God "could" ... but "would" He?

After thinking about it more and more, it has been made clear to me that rationalizing God's basic existence is possible. But rationalizing our conception of His nature is difficult, if not impossible. But I'm going to try anyway ...

We could believe that God is a loving, wonderful being who heals us all and makes everyone happy ... but ... God simply doesn't heal us all or make everyone happy.

We could believe that God is a hateful, spiteful, angry being that wants to inflict as much pain as possible ... but ... there are too many happy people in the world for that to be the case.

We could believe that God is completely emotionless and calculating -- a being that simply created the universe and administers its existence ... but ... if he had no emotion, he would not have created emotional human beings.

So where God's existence can be rationalized in science and nature, His personality is not readily observable.

The Bible portrays God's personality in many lights:


He destroys, but He also creates;

He gets angry, but He also shows mercy;

He allows injury, but He also provides healing;

He allows evil to exist, but He also provides deliverance from it.


Sounds alot like a human being.

No human being is ever "100% completely angry" all the time. We get mad, but even the most grumpy will be happy on occasion. No human being is ever "100% completely vengeful" all the time. Even the most hateful people will show mercy when they see a good reason to have compassion on someone. No human being is ever "100% completely emotionless" and calculating. Even the most stoic human beings have at one time cracked a smile or shed a tear.

So thinking that God is "100% (insert emotion here)" is most likely incorrect. As human emotion and disposition vary dynamically according to situation, then wouldn't God's temperament also vary dynamically?

Sure, a person will get angry on occasion, but that doesn't mean that they are "An angry, vengeful person", right? So if God gets angry on occasion, then it is inaccurate to say that He's "An angry, vengeful God".

So that brings us back to the nature of God in general: What is God like? Or more important for the alcoholic -- "Would God be willing to help me?"

The more I think about it, the more it seems rational that He would be willing to help.



(Sorry for this long, senseless ramble. Sometimes it just helps to "think out loud".)

Grace and Dignity?

It was brought up in an AA meeting today, that it takes many months and even years before we regain a sense of "who we are". The first several months of sobriety are like having amnesia. They also said the people with only a few months of sobriety are the most at risk for relapse. It's difficult (if not impossible) for an alcoholic to handle stress without drinking when they have no sense of who they are, and no sense of pride or self esteem. (As proven by yours truly. Yippee. I got to learn the hard way.)

One girl told about how when she was 30 days sober, she really wanted to get out of a relationship, but someone had advised her to wait a few more months. The advisor said that as an active alcoholic, we lose our sense of grace and dignity, and that it takes many months and years to gain a sense of it back. (Of course you lose your sense of grace and dignity when you repeat the cycle of "drink > get sick > swear to never drink again > drink > get sick > swear to never drink again > drink > get sick > swear to never drink again > drink > ... " for years. You lose confidence in yourself as that cycle wears on.) So the advice was to wait, that breaking up immediately would most likely result in relapse or an embarassing or distateful "breakup".

Well, the girl didn't take that advice. Ready to end the relationship and confident in her 30 days of sobriety, she was fortunate to end it without relapse, but the actual breakup itself turned out quite nasty due to her own immature behavior. At that time, she had no sense of grace or dignity, so she handled herself with neither. And when she looked back on it months later, she was humiliated of the way she handled herself. She wished that she had waited to break up, so that she could have left the relationship with some grace and dignity on her part.

I feel much the same way now. I know what grace and dignity are, and I know that I don't have them. So months from now, when I start to regain a sense of esteem, will I look back on MY recent breakup in embarassment? While breaking up, we offered to "be friends" and he says he wants to help me through this, which is very sweet. But I've already relapsed, and I have no idea how to prevent further humiliation. I have no dignity right now. I want some.

Now that the breakup is over and done with, but we're still "friends", I wish I knew what to do to scrounge up some dignity and grace somewhere. On one hand, I just want to get in my car, find a cave somewhere, and hide away there until I get better. On the other hand, I know I shouldn't run away ... but it's just so confusing right now.

Apology

Last night, I posted a blog entry that hurt a few people's feelings -- people who are very important to me and that I love very much. I'm very sorry for posting what I did, and that entry has been removed.

The thing I intended to share is that after 71 days of sobriety, I drank again.

I didn't need to mention anything or anyone else. And I shouldn't have. I wrote the entry while I was still drunk. In general, drunk people say incredibly stupid and cruel things. I'm very sorry for what I wrote.

I can start over on the path of sobriety, but I can't start over with the cruel things I said and how they injured you. For that, I am very sorry.

71 Days

I've been sober for 71 days now. Is it getting easier? Well not really. Some stressful events have crept up into my life, and I've spent the past few years coping with stress by drinking. Now that I can't drink, it simply makes me want to drink MORE.

It has kept coming into my head over the past few days: "Stop by the store, get a bottle of wine ... it's ONLY wine ... it can't hurt ... "

But the Big Book says: "No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death (30)."

Okay, so even a tiny bit of alcohol would ruin me. Then why -- when I know it will ruin me -- am I still tempted to drink? Why do I want to drink? My outlook of the future is pessimistic enough as it is, but the future isn't doomed to failure UNTIL the first drink is taken. BEFORE the first drink, there is still some hope left. But even now that I'm writing this, I still want to drink. I just don't understand ...

Perhaps the stress from feeling our lives "out of control" makes us feel hopeless. In the past week, I've had two disturbing dreams that left me with feelings of hopelessness:

1) I dreamed I was in my house, and I was looking out the window into a big field across the street. I just so happened to be looking out the window when I saw two skydivers jump out of an airplane. They fell and fell and fell ... but they didn't open their parachutes until right before hitting the ground. I knew for sure that they were both hurt, or maybe even killed. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911 as I ran out into the field to try to help. As I arrived on the scene, a man was there already, mourning, beating his chest, and tearing at his hair at the sight of the two mangled bodies of his sons. (How did I know they were his sons? It was just a feeling.) I felt uncomfortable there -- like an intruder as he greived. But I wished he had not seen the bodies in such a mangled and gruesome state. I wanted to cover them to spare him the horrific sight, but it was too late.

2) I dreamed that I was standing on a street corner. There were many people walking up and down the sidewalk. Suddenly one person caught on fire. Nobody else noticed, and they just kept walking down the sidewalk. I couldn't move to help. She simply caught on fire and desperately tried to extinguish the flames by rolling on the ground and beating her clothes. But they burned off, and soon her skin melted away, exposing muscle and bone to the flames. She just kept burning and struggling until she died. Then someone else caught on fire -- and like the previous person, nobody noticed.

I have no idea what these dreams mean, but they both seem to be about hopelessness, powerlessness, and very gruesome types of death. I hope I don't have another one.

Surely our own lives are not so hopeless. We can make decisions, although they sometimes seem insignificant. But the decision of whether to drink -- in the case of an alcoholic -- is a major decision that either removes all hope, or sustains what little you have.

Sober for FIVE WHOLE WEEKS!!!!

Now I’ve been sober for five weeks. It may not sound like much of an accomplishment, but it’s more difficult than it seems. The urge to run away from problems is still there. The temptation to drink still comes and goes but is overshadowed with the knowledge that my own life isn’t about me. Escaping, drinking, hiding, hurting, and destructing are synonymous and reflect an almost unbreakable cycle of devastation that inflicts everyone near me with unwarranted grief.

The future is uncertain. I’m either feeling overwhelmed, frightened, and powerless about what I interpret as “change” -- or I’m feeling excited, hopeful, and energetic concerning the same issue interpreted as “opportunity”. It’s the same future -- but two different perceptions. I either see “impending doom” or “blossoming success”.

It’s interesting how changing our own outlook changes our perceived direction in life. Learning to stay positive is a difficult but necessary lesson. Excess cynicism prevents growth, but overconfidence triggers disappointment. Finding the “happy medium” is difficult.

Like a Ton of Bricks

Yes, I am an alcoholic. Two years of uncontrollable drinking has unfairly hurt those around me. After getting terribly drunk last weekend and having an argument with a dear friend, it finally hit me what I had been doing. Although for months he had been asking me to get help, I never did – until a few days ago.

I went to the website of Alcoholics Anonymous (http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org) and started reading the “Big Book”. The “Big Book” is like the Bible of Alcoholics Anonymous. You can read the Big Book online here: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Reading that book helped me to see that my drinking IS stoppable. I CAN take control over my life again. All this time, I had been afraid to disappoint my family with the truth. I had been hiding it all. But the hope that I had found from the “Big Book” coupled with the determination to stop hurting those around me gave me the strength to go to my family and confess my drinking. They lovingly accepted me and loved me far more than I deserve. They are helping me to get better one day at a time.

Am I ashamed to be an alcoholic? No. I am not happy about it either, but I have decided that good things CAN come from this situation. I can’t change my past, but I can control my future. And I can help other struggling alcoholics to discover the most important thing that I am learning: there IS hope.

I’ve typed out some excerpts from the Big Book that really hit home with me. This is not meant to be a “Cliff’s Notes” version of the Big Book! These are just some quotes from the book that inspired me, personally. You can read the whole book for yourself here: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

(PS - The numbers in parentheses are the page numbers)

Chapter 2: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt2.pdf

An illness of this sort – and we have come to believe it an illness – involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer’s. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents – anyone can increase the list (18).

What about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.

Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk. His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little. He may be one of the finest fellows in the world. Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes distinguishingly, and even dangerously anti-social. He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish. He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him. He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the clock around. Yet early next morning he searches madly for the bottle he misplaced the night before. If he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away from him to throw down the wastepipe. As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative with which to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums.

This is by no means a comprehensive picture of the true alcoholic, as our behavior patterns vary. But this description should identify him roughly (21-22).

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink (24).

Chapter 3: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt3.pdf

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove that we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals – usually brief- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time we get worse, never better (30).

Chapter 5: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt5.pdf

Remember that we deal with alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power – that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs (58-60).

First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.

When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn (62-63).

Chapter 6: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt6.pdf

At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us (77).

The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough (82).

Chapter 7: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt7.pdf

After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to! (103)

Chapter 11: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_BigBook_chapt11.pdf

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find … (164).

Kamikaze Hope

It has been jokingly asked, “What if the light at the end of the tunnel is really an oncoming train?” Whether the light is really a train barreling down the tracks to kill you, or if it is a true ray of hope, it’s better to run toward it instead of away from it.

If the light is a train, it will catch up to you and kill you regardlessly, so it makes no difference if you run away from it or run toward it. But if the light really is hope, you’ll never reach it if you keep running away ...

smacktard of 2005 (and 06)

I feel sick. Whatever I say, whatever I do -- all it does is bring hurt. I don't understand what's going on ... I want to help make things better, but I don't know how!

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm completely inadequate as a person and I hate myself for that.

I just wish you could be happy. But I don't know how to make that happen!

Mountain of God -- Third Day

Mountain of God -- Third Day

Lyrics by Mac Powell

(Special thanks to my dear friend who gave me this awesome CD )

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn’t even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

‘Till You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn’t ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

And as I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from
And the things I’ve left behind
But of all I’ve had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what’s in front of me
With what’s in front of me

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain
Yes, I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

Overcoming Hurt

I got up this morning, and walked through the living room to get to the coffee maker. (There is no life before coffee, lmao!)

The TV was on, and a preacher was just starting a sermon. For some reason, something about the first few words caught my attention. So for the first time in years, I actually sat down and watched a sermon (OMG! *checks for a fever!)

The topic of the sermon is "Overcoming Hurt", and it's given by Creflo Dollar. This dude has some good ideas about how our reactions can make things WORSE. He's lighthearted and funny about it at times but kind of spacey at other times (especially when talking about "The Shield of Faith" and "The Word"). But overall, I saw myself in this message.

(The sermon itself is available in streaming video here: http://www.streamingfaith.com/ASX_Files/December_28,_2005_-_Overcoming_Hurt_Part_2_VOD_100k.asx )

I see now that I've been doing everything WRONG. I couldn't be MORE wrong if I TRIED!

Over the past few weeks:

• I have tried to avoid getting hurt by hurting others first;
• I've hardened my heart and become a prisoner of my own pain;
• I decided not to trust anyone anymore, and become cynical;
• I've neglected to remember my faith (ie: dropped the "Shield");
• I've compared myself to others, and belittled the miracles that God has already worked in my life;
• I haven't forgiven FREELY as an act of faith. I've been waiting to forgive until I "feel like it". But "Forgiveness is not a feeling -- it is a decision." And I haven't made that decision because I must be waiting for something (what, I don't know). But God doesn't wait for us to change. He doesn't forgive us because we try to change ourselves for Him. Instead, we experience change in our lives when we reach the amazing realization that we already are forgiven and loved just as we are. As God forgives and loves us without expecting us to EARN it, we are supposed to do the same for each other. I need to work on this ...
• My happiness has been dependent on the actions of other people;
• I keep re-living the problem, and never letting it heal. I won't shut up about it ... (OMG this part of the sermon was so ME )

And I'm sure there are many, many other things I have done wrong as well. But all I can do from here is press on, don't make the same mistakes, and FFS get over it already!

That's it for now.

Wake me Up When September Ends - Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

Maybe I don't want it to ...

This morning, I woke up feeling very ill. I was having problems breathing, and my heart was beating very strangely and rapidly. My first thought was "What if it stops beating?"

I just came across this article on CNN.com about the suicide of James Dungy, the son of Indianapolis NFL coach Tony Dungy. James was 18 years old. http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/football/nfl/12/22/dungy.son.ap/index.html

It's interesting how other people's deaths seem so tragic. But in my eyes, my own death is nothing.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been wishing that I'd never been born. I was WISHING that my heart would stop beating. But this morning when it finally really felt like it was going to stop -- I truly didn't want it to. I sincerely didn't want it to stop ...

Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away
-Creed, "Faceless Man"

Alone

I often find comfort in being alone.

(I don't understand why people think there's something wrong with that)

Stupid Emotional Regurgitation

Bleh ... this is so aggrivatingly stupid! But I felt the need to write something therapeutic, notwithstanding my wayward propensity towards absolute daftness (or insanity at this point) ...


In a clumsy stutter of momentary belief
The worries of the world temporarily fade away
Encouraging my heart to be brave once more
Flying as an eagle, feeling the power of the world beneath me
Until I find myself in the deep muddy pit yet again
Having crashed down into a pathetic heap
Aching body screaming; broken heart erupting
In the silence of a world filled with the deafening roar of humanity’s agony

The silence echoes into a blasting rush of nothingness
And time seems to stop, halting a tear in mid-fall
Its sparkle glistening softly in the dim light
But the rest of the world moves on
As time grips my life firmly
There is no procession; there is no change
There is only a single tear suspended in mid-fall as the rest of the world proceeds
A stubborn tribute to broken dreams and to the equally broken and regretful heart that bore them

Looking upwards toward the sky
A faint speck of blue is hardly visible from the depths of this cold dark lair
The sun streams in as a blinding and painful reminder
And all hopes of escape are quickly dashed with the realization
That this cold darkness will forever be my home
The depravity of humanity succumbing to its power
A black hole of emotion that binds, blinds, and breaks all inklings of hope

An icy hand snags my shoulder and draws my eyes from the light
The chill from the darkness scarcely illuminated by the moist fog of my breath
And I once again find myself unable to move
Afraid to think, afraid to hope
For if every fall lands here
There will never be any true escape
The tear will forever dangle there, promising a glint of hope in its sparkle
Until it, too, freezes and dims in the muddy shadows with me
Forever companions in this dark, cold world

If ...

Been w0ndering lately ... if i could fall a million miles further, would my body finally be as br0ken as my spirit?

Angel - Sarah McLaughlin

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough”
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angels, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angels, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

I Hope You Dance - Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

Good Riddance - Green Day

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go

So make the best of this test
And don’t ask why
It’s not a question
But a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of Good health and good time

Tattoos of memories And dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth
It was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

Thank You - Simple Plan

I thought that I could always count on you,
I thought that nothing could come between us two.
We said as long as we would stick together,
We'd be alright,
We'd be ok.
But I was stupid
And you broke me down
I'll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back

I wonder why it always has to hurt,
For every lesson that you have to learn.
I won't forget what you did to me,
How you showed me things,
I wish I'd never seen.
But I was stupid,
And you broke me down,
I'll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship, the good times we had you can have them back

Gone

Why should I feel sad
For what I never had
Nothing equals nothing
~&~
Madonna - Gone

Bewitched No More - Ella Fitzgerald

After one whole quart of brandy
Like a daisy, I’m awake
With no bromo-seltzer handy
I don’t even shake

Men are not a new sensation
I’ve done pretty well I think
But this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I’m wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am i

Couldn’t sleep and wouldn’t sleep
When love came and told me, I shouldn’t sleep
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am i

Lost my heart, but what of it
He is cold I agree
He can laugh, but I love it
Although the laugh’s on me

I’ll sing to him, each spring to him
And long, for the day when I’ll cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am i

He’s a fool and don’t I know it
But a fool can have his charms
I’m in love and don’t I show it
Like a babe in arms

Love’s the same old sad sensation
Lately I’ve not slept a wink
Since this half-pint imitation
Put me on the blink

I’ve sinned a lot, I’m mean a lot
But I’m like sweet seventeen a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am i

I’ll sing to him, each spring to him
And worship the trousers that cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am i

When he talks, he is seeking
Words to get, off his chest
Horizontally speaking, he’s at his very best

Vexed again, perplexed again
Thank god, I can be oversexed again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am i

Wise at last, my eyes at last,
Are cutting you down to your size at last
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Burned a lot, but learned a lot
And now you are broke, so you earned a lot
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Couldn’t eat, was dispeptic
Life was so hard to bear
Now my heart’s antiseptic
Since you moved out of there

Romance, finis. your chance, finis.
Those ants that invaded my pants, finis.
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - no more

Musings regarding purpose and hope

i haven't kept a journal since i was a kid, and this is personal stuff, so i'm reluctant to share it ...

i've failed to be the strong person that i need to be ... i've failed to be a NORMAL person ... i feel so broken, so helpless, so lifeless ....

it makes me stop and wonder about my purpose in life, and why my mind is filled with haze ... i've never felt so lost before. it's like i'm watching life happen as if it were a bad dream, too scared to act out. i watch situations unfold before me and feel powerless to influence them. i look down at my hands and remember their ability to build or destroy, and realize that my life itself has that same power. my very existance can build good things, or it can destroy good things. right now, i'm destroying good things, and wondering why i can't stop.

i've been drinking alot. i've tried to stop numerous times, but have been unsuccessful. although i was able to stop drinking for 12 days -- that's the best i've done so far.

i don't know what to do ... i don't know who to turn to ... but i can't bear to see everything continuing to crumble before me ... my hands can't fix it, and my heart is becoming more and more crushed, and that bottle is looking more and more like a savior ... if i drink enough, it will end everything ... if i can't fix it, oh please let it end ...


______________________
POST SCRIPT:

October 29, 2006 - A Year Later - Now Six Months Sober

I wrote this entry drunk. One would think that someone this desperate to stop drinking would be ABLE to stop drinking. But after I wrote this entry, I continued to drink even harder than before. Things got much worse. This entry illustrates the insanity of alcoholism and the hopelessness it generates. It's a miracle that I survived three more months of that worsening desperate state to get into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

This entry mentions that I was unable to get sober or to experience peace in my life, and I wanted to die. Today, I can honestly say that my life is completely turned around. I don't have to drink anymore. I have the desire to live. I'm learning how to be helpful to others. I experience serenity and contentment, even when things don't go my way. Alcoholics Anonymous has given me the tools I need to live a successful sober life. If it can do that for me, it can do it for anyone.