Keep Me Out of Your Way

Lord, take me where You want me to go;
Let me meet who You want me to meet;
Tell me what You want me to say; and
Keep me out of your way.

- Father Mychal Judge
FDNY, killed 9/11/01

Scrambled Perception & Social Aberrance

We read the following passages from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in a meeting Saturday morning, and I couldn't help but see myself in it. The first paragraph seems to describe ALL alcoholics. The second and third paragraphs describe me especially:

Alcoholics especially should be able to see that instinct run wild in themselves is the underlying cause of their destructive drinking. We have drunk to drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression. We have drunk to escape the guilt of passions, and then have drunk again to make more passions possible. We have drunk for vainglory -- that we might the more enjoy foolish dreams of pomp and power. This perverse soul-sickness is not pleasant to look upon. Instincts on rampage balk at investigation. The minute we make a serious attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions.

If temperamentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse ... it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to the bottle and extinction (p. 44-45).

But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society, Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension (p. 53).

"Instinct run wild" (first paragraph) is precisely what causes alcoholics to drink. Our instinctive response to stress is to seek the numbing shelter of alcohol. When I allow my instinct to "run wild", alcohol is the first thing that pops into my head. It's my instinctive answer to every problem: drink myself numb, and maybe the problem will go away. (In truth, drinking only makes problems worse! But the instinct to drink is still the same, regardless of knowing the truth.)

In reference to the second paragraph, I definitely lean toward the depressive end of the scale. In fact, I probably tip the scale. I'm constantly "swamped with guilt and self-loathing". I often find myself under the mindset where "nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution". Regardless of how happy I am at any given time, my perspective always manages to turn negative and I become overwhelmed with cynicism. My knee-jerk first reaction to adversity is to give up and drink. Since I can't drink, I think about dying if I'm really depressed, or I'll just want to curl up in a cave somewhere and hide for forever. I can't help it -- that's my first reaction.

I perceive everything as being my fault. Misunderstanding? My fault. Relationship turns sour? My fault. Bump into someone's shopping cart at a grocery store aisle intersection? My fault. Rising gas prices? My fault. Global Warming? My bad. Ozone depletion? Oops -- I shouldn't have eaten that second burrito at lunch ...

Some people say that alcoholism is "a disease of perception", because it causes you to interpret everything around you in a negative light. I could have a great conversation with someone, but walk away thinking that I've made a fool of myself. I could write an amazing blog entry, but sincerely believe it to be utter crap. I could be a good person with high potential, but I perceive myself to be a bad person who is doomed to fail.

In terms of relationships (third paragraph), my biggest pitfall is relying on others excessively. I feel so insecure about myself that I end up relying on the assurance of others to gauge my own worth. To make matters more complicated, I don't believe their opinions anyway -- unless they're negative. I believe every negative thing said about me: every criticism, every insult, every thrashing -- because it reinforces what I already believe: I'm a worthless human being. So why do I rely on other people's opinions anyway, since I'll only believe the negative opinions? I have no idea. None of this makes any sense whatsoever ...

Regardless, "This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." My own self-centered behavior makes it impossible for me to have healthy relationships. My limited understanding of healthy relationships makes things more difficult -- even for forming basic friendships.

I have very few friends -- and they are all people that I met six to ten years ago and rarely talk to. I have met literally thousands of people within the past five years. But I have formed basic friendships with none of them. I wonder why?

"The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being." I insist on being the center of attention. I require support, but I can't be relied upon to provide similar support. When that causes a problem, I either drink to escape the problem, or I manipulate the issue in an attempt to clear myself of wrongdoing.

I don't even know how to reciprocate appropriately. Even when I genuinely try to reciprocate -- I'm always waaaay off base. It's either too little, too much, or the wrong kind, at the wrong time. I'll do my best to find whatever works and reciprocate with that, even if it's something unhealthy that harms myself in the process. The natural working order of a healthy relationship is completely foreign to me.

So it's no wonder that I find myself alone. I have nothing to offer anyone aside from needy dependence and ultimate disappointment.

Why would anyone desire friendship with such a socially defective individual? I'd better learn to enjoy being alone.

The Lesson Afterward

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."

-Vernon Law

Lonely ...

Feeling so lonely today. It's difficult to adjust when you spent every hour of every day for over a year chatting with someone who has now blocked you from chat, and whose formerly warm emails are now stiffened with the cold formality normally reserved for strangers. It's difficult to accept the new "distance" when you're accustomed to finishing each other's sentences and being the best of buddies. But that's just how things go.

Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. That kind of stuff happens to everyone.

But I still miss him. I miss being friends, playing games, joking around, and having fun.

It's odd how things turn out. I keep telling myself, "It's for the best" and "He's happier this way." That helps -- it really does.

But sometimes I start wondering if he misses me too, or if he even thinks about me. It shouldn't matter. It's a silly thing to care about anyway. But for some reason, it matters sometimes.

It's just another thing to find peace with. At least it isn't anything major -- like dealing with death/illness of a loved one. But sometimes, it really feels like a death ... a death that I caused.

Why do emotions have to be so incredibly complicated?

The Office Linebacker Series

I first came across the Office Linebacker years ago. It was a superbowl commercial. Searching Google videos, I was unable to find the original commercial -- but I found a series of long ads! I think they're hilarious. Hope you like them:

[Terry Tate: The Office Linebacker]

[Sensitivity Training]

[Going on Vacation]

[Draft Day]

[Office Athlete of the Century]

[Streaker Control]

The pain train is comin, baby!

"An Aspiration", by Katherine Collins

Others may be art glass of rainbow hue;
I choose to be a windowpane
For the sun to shine through.

A clear pane,
A clear pane is what I would be
Unconcerned with temperament
And personality.

I would have Love shine through me
So that my friends would say
Not, "What a lovely pane of glass,"
But, "What a lovely day!"

(What a great goal to have!)

Tomorrow's Dreams

"Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams."

-Unknown

You have not lived ...

... until you have seen the famous "Numa Numa Kid" video!

[Click here to see albinoblacksheep video]


Even wikipedia has an article about this video. [Read it here]

Oh, the joys of college craziness!

In the following Google video, two students at the University of Michigan dressed up as Pac-Man and a Ghost respectively, and ran through the UGL (the Undergraduate Library) and the Fishbowl (a huge computer lab on Central campus) during finals week. Pac-Man screams in horror as the Ghost chases him yelling "Waka Waka Waka."

I wish I had done something THAT crazy in college, hahaha!

[Click to see video] or click Play below:

Worry

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength."

-Unknown

Let it Go

As children bring thier broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.

But instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never let them go."

-Unknown

"If I Had My Life to Live Over", by Erma Bombeck

I would have talked less and listened more. I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life. I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. more "I'm sorry's"... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who Do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with.

And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. Life is too short to let it pass you by. We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.

In memory of Erma Bombeck. (Note: Erma Bombeck needed an organ transplant, and even though she could have been moved to the head of the waiting list, due to her prominence and wealth [like Mickey Mantle], she refused to do such, and subsequently, died from organ failure.)

Problem Solving

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."

- Albert Einstein

Is there an alcoholic in your life?

Alcoholism is a devastating disease. It doesn't just affect the alcoholic: It affects everyone around the alcoholic.

If you have an alcoholic family member or friend, chances are, you have been occasionally hurt or confused by their actions. The abuse is very real, it's painful, it leaves scars, and it boggles the mind. Some people blame the alcoholic. Some blame alcohol itself. Others blame themselves.

Regardless of blame, the most important thing for you to realize is that you didn't cause their alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You are not at fault in ANY way.

Also remember: You are not alone.

There is a wealth of support groups and information available to help you. Here are a few resources that can help you to find understanding and healing:

Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!

Information for Friends and Families -- More Articles

Sober Recovery Forums -- "Family and Friends" -- This is a VERY good forum. Fast-moving, lots of stories, lots of support, great advice given here. You can join and ask questions/offer support there yourself.

A huge long list of helpful links ...

Please check out these resources -- even if you don't feel like you need help -- because you most likely DO need help but don't realize it yet.

You might just find answers to your most mind-boggling questions, and most importantly, find hope and healing for your OWN life.

Life Explained

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

-Mark Twain

Post Acute Withdrawal

Are you sober, but feeling crazier now than you did when you were drinking? You're not alone.

You may be going through Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW). It is estimated that 75-95% of recovering alcoholics experience PAW in varying degrees of severity. Some hardly notice it, while others find it almost debilitating.

These are the primary symptoms:

1. Inability to think clearly
2. Memory problems
3. Emotional overreactions or numbness
4. Sleep disturbances
5. Physical coordination problems
6. Stress sensitivity

More descriptive symptoms:

Lack of confidence.
Denial (It wasn't really that bad or I can handle it now).
Lack of commitment to a support system.
Trying to change others before they are ready.
Defensiveness.
Compulsive behavior (becoming compulsive and out of balance in another area or your life).
Impulsive behavior (acting before you think things through or outbursts).
Daydreaming.
Depression.
Easily Angered.
Irregular sleep.
"I don't care," attitude.
Feeling hopeless.
Self pity.
Conscious lying.
Loneliness.
Controlled drinking (trying to limit or control use).
Loss of control (back to original state of consumption).

The following websites have some excellent information about PAW:

For a quick explanation, click here.

For a thorough explanation, click here.

Sometimes, it just helps to know that you're not going completely insane ...

The Cause

"The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities."

-Sophocles

... and how we allowed our adversities to hurt others ...

"Healthy Relationships", Peggy Walton

Your partner wants you to realize your dreams and will do anything to help achieve them.

They are self-sufficient and complete human beings. If not, then you must neglect part of yourself in some way to compensate for their deficiency.

They take responsibility for their own happiness. It is not your job.

They don't use negative tactics for getting their own way or dominating you. Criticism, put-downs, guilt, shame, intolerance, neglect, combativeness, aggression, and threat; the list goes on. Silence can be a negative tactic, if there is communication that needs to take place, and so can defensiveness.

When they speak to you, it is always with love, acceptance and approval.

They support and respect your ideas, beliefs and wishes no matter how different from their own.

Your self-esteem improves when you are together.

Your circle of friends grows.

They do little things to please you.

When something bothers you, they are truly concerned.

They help resolve problems.

They help you find time for yourself. Without this you will never grow.

They share in responsibilities, even with things that are unpleasant or mundane.

Your time is just as valuable as theirs.

They give you freedom to try new things, take chances and to make mistakes. Human beings are constantly evolving and are not meant to be caged physically, emotionally or psychologically.

In short, they provide the security, love and nurturing that is required for you to soar where life itself is wonderful and the relationships are an added bonus. Because you are willing to do the same for them, the relationship will continue to scale new heights while love, honor and respect grows deeper and broader.

From: http://www.soberrecovery.com

A Matter of Perception

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is."

-Albert Einstein

Hey -- he was a smart guy.
He's probably right!

We always find what we look for ...

Relational Paranoia

"You wouldn't worry so much about what people really thought of you if you knew just how seldom they actually do."

-Unknown

Just attended a women's meeting this morning, and one of the topics discussed was the tendancy to worry about what other people think of us. It was surprising (and comforting) to hear so many women accurately describe the insanity that has been going on in my head lately:

"They must think I'm such an awful, terrible monster ... they're probably right."

"They must talk about me and laugh at how stupid I am."

"They probably all think that I'm a hopeless loser who's going to end up in a gutter somewhere. They'd just LOVE to walk by so they could laugh and throw rocks at me."

"They've probably made a voodoo doll just for me so they can torture it until it falls apart. Then they'll torture the parts ..."

But the fact is, "THEY" (whoever that is) are most likely not thinking of you at all. That's a hard concept to grasp, especially when you look back on your past and all you can think about is what you did and how it affected others.

"They" have been hurt by your past actions and don't believe your intentions for improvement. So you start to identify yourself by what you DID, not who you ARE and who you are trying to BECOME. And you slip into this state of near-paranoia, developing increasingly irrational judgments that "They" must have against you.

Soon it's not about what "They" have against you -- it's about what "Everyone" has against you. You feel like you're not the same as everyone else. You feel you've been rejected from the entire world, and your only source of comfort is isolation. You feel that you're different, that you're defective, that you're a disease, and that you need to be quarantined away from everyone else.

So you isolate.

Unfortunately, isolation only serves to fuel these irrational feelings about yourself and others. And for the alcoholic, the combination of isolation and obsession is a death sentence to drink again.

These irrational feelings have been addressed in many of my own blog entries. I've been struggling with them for a long time.

So ya know what? Screw it. I'm going to stop caring about what people think of me and remember that they probably never actually think of me anyway. It is so egotistical to assume that I've been sufficiently influential as to cause others to hate me obsessively -- as if they don't have better things to do than relive my own pain. How completely absurd!

And to everyone else out there who shares similar struggles, I hope you find a way through them. You may not think much of yourself, but WHO YOU ARE is not what you DID. And you ARE a person who has a unique light and presence to share with the world. Please don't withold your unique gift from the world, especially out of fear for what "They" think. Chances are, your assumptions are wrong anyway.

Whose life is this anyway?

"Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't."

-Richard Bach

Came across this quote on a bad day. I was wishing my "mission" (my life) could be over -- or that it had never started in the first place.

Thing is, none of us are here for ourselves. We're here because God put each of us here with our own unique purposes. Sometimes, finding our purpose seems like a purpose in itself. Maybe we won't even know our purpose until our lives are over. Does anyone ever find their own purpose?

Either way, I am where I am, with what I have, with who I have because God arranged it that way -- for a purpose. As long as I'm alive, my mission isn't finished. Although I can't imagine adequately fulfilling even a simple and easy purpose, it's still God's purpose and not mine. The mission isn't mine and it never will be. It's not about being comfortable -- it's about being useful.

At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.
Comfort will follow eventually if we just "keep doing the next right thing".

Microsoft iPod Pro 2005 xp Second Edition ME OMGWTF PWNd!!!1

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Microsoft had designed the package for the iPod? Well, these people did -- and made a funny video to show it off!

[Click Here to See Google Video]

Pretty funny!



While on the subject of Microsoft packaging, here's an hilarious adaptation of the box for Microsoft Word (can't remember where I found it). This is the original package for comparison ...

And the adaptation:

Sorry, too funny -- couldn't resist ...

So you want to get drunk?

So did this guy. You'll either think it's very funny, or very sad.

When I look at it from the perspective of, "Hey, that used to be me," then I think it's funny -- especially with the music they added. On the other hand, I feel so sorry for that guy ...

Is that really what you want for yourself?

"A Penny", Author Unknown

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.

He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts.

Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her.

Finally, she could stand it no longer. She causally mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says."

She read the words "United States of America."

"No, not that; read further."

"One cent?"

"No, keep reading."

"In God we Trust?"

"Yes!"

"And?"

"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!

Then I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful!

And, God is patient...


From http://inspirationalstories.com/11/1144.html

The Easter Bunny

Okay, so people have been complaining about having a bad Easter. Well, your Easter wasn't THIS bad ...

[Click here to see Google video] or click Play below:

DON'T ANGER THE BUNNY!

(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")

General AA Concerns ...

I was attending a meeting the other night, and everyone was sharing their experience with Step 6: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." (Steps 4 and 5 exist to help you discover your character defects ... Step 6 is where you decide to ask God to remove them.)

I couldn't understand some of the people there. They had been sober and in AA for over a year -- but were "afraid" of and "dreading" Step 6. They had already completed Steps 4 & 5, and they had discovered their character defects, but they didn't want to give them up yet. I simply don't understand their rationale. I've found a few of my character defects, but I CAN'T WAIT to get rid of them. It's like having spiders crawling all over me -- I'm in an absolute panic to get them off.

But they say that someone with my length of sobriety is not ready to do Step 4 (or anything past it). That really aggrivates me. It's like telling a desperate person who is COVERED in spiders that they can't brush the spiders off because they weren't supposed to have noticed them yet for a few more months.

(Insert Anakin Skywalker temper tantrum from "Revenge of the Sith"... Well here's something similar, dubbed in 1337, hahaha! )

Then there's the whole thing with sponsors (a sponsor is like a mentor). They say you need one, and I admit -- I DO need a sponsor to help get through the steps. At every meeting, they ask for a show of hands from people who are willing to be "Temporary Sponsors". But hardly anyone volunteers. And the people who DO volunteer either leave immediately after the meeting or seem so busy that I don't want to bother them. They have kids, and jobs, and husbands ... I don't want to interrupt their busy lives with my silly problems.

Bleh -- at least the Star Wars clip was teh roXXorz ... compensates for the lame entry, lol ...

Dance

"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain."

-Unknown

Can't sleep ...

Woke up with that terrible feeling again -- one that sends me into a panic. Heart's beating out of my chest, feeling out of breath and sick to the stomach. Keep remembering why I'm no longer cared about, and the "good old times" keep running through my head.

I don't understand why I miss that time in my life.

The "good old times" weren't exactly "good". In fact, I was miserable -- and made everyone else miserable. I never did any single good thing for anyone.

Never was a "good" person (but I thought I was). Never made anyone happy (but I thought I did). Never was worth anything to anyone (but I thought I was). Never contributed anything (but I thought I did). Never was needed (but I thought I was).

So whatever good feelings I had about myself were lies and delusions.

And deep down during that time, I felt like a complete waste of a human being. Now I see that all my feelings of inadequacy were perfectly accurate. I was nothing more than a "tornado", destroying everyone and everything I touched (analogy from the Big Book). And, of course, it was all my fault.

No matter how much I beat myself up over it, I was still nothing more than a parasitic prat and a complete waste of time to everyone. It makes me feel physically sick and I want to scream ...

They say there's a difference between having a disease and being a disease. I'm tired of being a disease, and I'm beyond sorry to have inflicted so many others.

Regret, Guilt, and Waking Up "30"

I just watched the lighthearted comedy "13 Going on 30" for the first time in a long time. It's a great movie -- and if you haven't seen it -- you should! It's cute and very entertaining, but it also contains a great moral for alcoholics -- if you cut out the last five minutes of it.

In the movie, 13-year-old "Jenna" rejects her best friend "Matt" to pursue a position in the popular crowd of kids. Wishing for popularity and beauty on her thirteenth birthday, she magically wakes up 30 years old, immersed in a new life that she has no memory of living.

Her entire life after her thirteenth birthday had been blacked out from her memory, and she soon discovers that the life she had lived up to that point was a very bad one. She had apparently treated people terribly and had done horrible things. She was shocked to find out what an awful person she had been during that time. (Seeing this reminded me of myself. I feel the same way right now.)

To make a long story short (without giving away the movie), she is faced with decisions for handling her mistakes. When she found out that she had wronged someone, she didn't deny it or beat herself up over it, but instead focused her efforts on making things right. Good people she had previously rejected, she now befriended. Bad people she had previously accepted, she now rejected.

As for rejecting Matt years ago -- she is given the opportunity to make things right with him. She realized how wrong she was to reject him, and she was desperate to do ANYTHING to reverse what she did. But even so, her past mistakes created agonizing conditions that simply could not reverse the wrongs she had done to him.

Of course in Hollywood, every story must have a happy fairy tale ending. But in real life, we cannot make wishes with magical pixie dust and wake up with "everything okay again". We cannot go back in time. For our lives, the story ends in the excruciating realization that "You screwed up and you can never make it better" -- and a new story begins from that point.

And for alcoholics especially, we find ourselves in similar situations. We find out that we said or did terrible things that we don't even remember. We find out that we hurt people. Sometimes we are aware that our actions hurt people, but we were so drunk at the time that we didn't realize the specific effects or extent of the damage. Sometimes we had a vague idea of the damage, but we were too drunk and ashamed to face the truth. So we immersed ourselves in MORE alcohol to escape feelings of guilt and futility (which only made things worse).

The Big Book describes the alcoholic as a "tornado" sweeping though the lives of all around. Imagine the sun rising upon a city that was destroyed overnight. During the night time, we can estimate damage -- and even deny it. But once the sun comes up and the destruction is brought into the light, there can be no more denial or escape. So it is with the alcoholic who still drinks -- they can only estimate the damage they have caused until sufficiently sober to view the true destruction "in the light".

In sobriety, we will sometimes agonize over the destruction we have caused others in our alcoholism. Without the numbing shield of alcohol, we are forced to finally acknowledge the exact details of the destruction we have caused. And it is often painful enough to send people back to the drink. Seeing no hope for repairing the damage, we want to escape far away. Back to the bottle some will go: some to cause more damage, others to disappear into death. But those who do not resort to drinking again have hope of making amends -- of trying to make things as right as possible, but it will never be perfect.

Things are as they are, and if we are honest, we recognize that we made them that way. We can blame it on the alcohol. But in the end, the responsibility lies with us -- we CHOSE to drink. We CHOSE to live that way. We made bad choices that hurt people we love.

There is no way to go back in time and do things differently. Instead, we are faced with more choices. The choices of today influence the choices we will make tomorrow. But the choices we made yesterday are completely out of our hands. We will still experience the consequences of those choices, but there is no sense in excessively mourning over them. Beating ourselves over the head for things we cannot change accomplishes absolutely nothing. Which is why the serenity prayer is so important:

God, Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Some past mistakes can be amended -- and those amends should be made whenever possible. But some past mistakes cannot be amended. THOSE mistakes are the ones that produce and magnify guilt to the point that we feel we cannot go on. THOSE situations are the ones we cannot change and need to make peace with for our own sanity.

Being completely dumfounded right now, I think a good way to make peace with such situations may be to:

1) accept responsibility for what happened;
2) pray for the person we hurt -- not that they would forgive us, but that they would heal from the pain we caused and experience true freedom and happiness in their lives;
3) learn from that mistake and never repeat it again;
4) decide to accept the situation as one of the things we "cannot change";
5) forgive ourselves.
Forgiving ourselves can be a terribly difficult thing to do. I have not forgiven myself of a single thing yet. I do not feel like I should be forgiven. But it is necessary for healing and continued spiritual growth. Resentments of any kind will bring recovery to a grinding halt.

Which is where I find myself today.

But I think I am finally finished with looking for a way to "undo" certain past wrongs. I realize that I cannot go back in time to do things the right way -- nor can I say or do ANYTHING to remove the hurt I caused. And I am learning to accept that. (Such a seemingly trivial lesson ... but for me, it is a BIG one worth sharing.)

In the mean time, watch the movie! It's good! You'll laugh, you might cry (tears of joy) -- and you will get your daily dose of 80's music. What more could you want?

Make the most of today

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way."

-Unknown