Sober since April 6, 2006


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Can't sleep ...

Woke up with that terrible feeling again -- one that sends me into a panic. Heart's beating out of my chest, feeling out of breath and sick to the stomach. Keep remembering why I'm no longer cared about, and the "good old times" keep running through my head.

I don't understand why I miss that time in my life.

The "good old times" weren't exactly "good". In fact, I was miserable -- and made everyone else miserable. I never did any single good thing for anyone.

Never was a "good" person (but I thought I was). Never made anyone happy (but I thought I did). Never was worth anything to anyone (but I thought I was). Never contributed anything (but I thought I did). Never was needed (but I thought I was).

So whatever good feelings I had about myself were lies and delusions.

And deep down during that time, I felt like a complete waste of a human being. Now I see that all my feelings of inadequacy were perfectly accurate. I was nothing more than a "tornado", destroying everyone and everything I touched (analogy from the Big Book). And, of course, it was all my fault.

No matter how much I beat myself up over it, I was still nothing more than a parasitic prat and a complete waste of time to everyone. It makes me feel physically sick and I want to scream ...

They say there's a difference between having a disease and being a disease. I'm tired of being a disease, and I'm beyond sorry to have inflicted so many others.

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