we agnostics

My sponsor told me to read the chapter "We Agnostics" out of the Big Book. As usual, I'm glad I did what she told me. (RTFM: Read this chapter in .pdf HERE, or view other Big Book chapters HERE.)

Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions. In this respect alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness (p. 48).

"Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became open minded ... "

This reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons where Homer was about to get killed by a rhinoceros. He screams, "I'm gonna die! Jesus, Allah, Buddha -- I love you all!"

When faced with impending death, the fancy details of religion and spirituality suddenly don't matter.

At this point in my sobriety, those fancy details still don't matter. Is there life after death? Is there a hell? Is there a heaven? Do we get reincarnated? Are angels real? I don't care. None of that has anything to do with keeping me sober today. I have a problem that experience has repeatedly demonstrated to be unrepairable by human power, and the only thing that can help me is a Power greater than myself. That's the only theology that matters to me right now.

Alcohol beat me into a state of reasonableness. I had no choice but to try something new, because my ideas didn't work.

Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does?

... When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did (p. 52).

The God idea works for my AA buddies, and it works for me too -- when I'm willing to let it.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 238 days sober
• getting to hear my sponsor's sponsor at a speaker meeting tonight -- and finding out that my sponsor's sponsor knows her sponsor's sponsor. That's pretty cool.
• AA buddies online and off
  
• having my family
• my adorable dog -- who seems to be learning not to jump on me when I come home from work wearing a nice suit
• my car -- it works! It really works!
• my mp3 player, because it drowns out the Christmas "elevator music" they're playing at work
• I have a job. OMG! I have a job!
  
• knowing that I could lose everything tonight if I choose to take a drink
• God, because He's so much more patient than I am
  

knowing the person i am

From yesterday's entry in Courage to Change - One Day at a Time in AlAnon II:

My life is in a constant state of change. Awareness allows me to keep pace with that change. Today let me listen to my words and watch my actions. Only by knowing the person I am can I create the person I want to become.

"Each man must look to himself to teach him the meaning of life. It is not something discovered: it is something molded." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The concept of "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection" is awesome. I'm glad that I don't have to live up to any particular benchmark or achievement. Just one day at a time, staying sober, and growing spiritually is all that matters.

I'm supposed to take who I was yesterday and try to improve it today. It's all about allowing God to shape me into His idea, and being willing to experience discomfort in the process.

"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed." -- Booker T. Washington

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 238 days sober
• my awesome kickass homegroup ... I love these people
• getting to know individual homegroup members better
• learning (slowly) how to open up ... it's hard
• learning to handle anxiety without even thinking of drinking
• my job, which I am so fortunate to have
• my family, which I am beyond fortunate to have
• God, because everything in my life was put there for a purpose
  

a new meeting

Went to a new meeting tonight. My sponsor recommended I try it. I really didn't want to go -- I wanted to go to my regular meeting instead. I don't like going to new meetings.

When I got to the new place, it was huge. The parking lot was packed. I parked the car and immediately started coming up with reasons to leave. "I don't like big meetings. There are too many people here. I'm tired. I have a headache. It's going to take 30 minutes to get out of the parking lot when this is over. I want to go home and go to bed!" ... etc.

This was like a reverse flashback to my old drinking days: I'd sit outside the liquor store and try to reason my way out. Now I'm sitting outside AA meetings trying to reason my way out. Go figure.

Anyway, I ended up going to the meeting, and I'm glad that I did.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 235 days sober
• living in an area where there are so many AA meetings that I can't decide where to go on any given day
• having a sponsor who makes recommendations for me
• having a job to wake up for in the morning
• looking forward to my homegroup meeting Wednesday night
• getting good news from one of my homegroup chicas
• the many awesome people in this program ...
• being tired enough to sleep tonight
• God, because He always provides a way to do the right thing.
  

been there, done that, here's a teeshirt

And of course, it wasn't nearly as scary as I made it out to be. I've been worried all week ... for that?

Over the past few weeks up until recently, I felt such a connection with God that nothing worried me. I was fine whether the best happened or the worst. It's interesting how "this too shall pass." And that's okay. It just makes for a more interesting learning experience.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 234 damn days sober
• working a step with my new sponsor
• having a sponsor
• having more stepwork to do
  
• the Big Book
  
• getting to talk with another alcoholic today
• getting to go back to work tomorrow. I have a job!
  
• awesome AA buddies, online and off
• my dog -- he's feeling better
• caffeine
• Starbucks -- my favorite source of caffeine
• my car works! Woohoo!
• my family supports me in my recovery
• God, because He has provided a program that gives me hope
  

nerves of squeal

Okay, so ALL of the stepwork I've been doing for the past few weeks is going to be presented to my sponsor this afternoon.

I'm scared as hell.

It's only Step 1 -- which I've done with another sponsor before. My new sponsor wanted to start at the beginning, which is fine by me. I'm at the point that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to work this program correctly. My way does not work. I'm just damn lucky that I've stayed dry for this long and that anyone is willing to sponsor me!

It's hilarious how nervous I am. I did everything she asked me to do with complete honesty and openness. Maybe that's why I'm so nervous ...

But anyway, I'm grateful to be sober today. I'm so grateful for the awesome people in this program. I don't have to be alone anymore. I normally call two alcoholics every day. But yesterday, I called 11. Had to leave voicemails with most of them -- I only got to talk with four. But I'm so grateful for those four! I'm fortunate that anyone is willing to talk to me at all.

So for the rest of the day, I'll try not to be a nervous wreck. It's just a step, not a witch trial. Unless my sponsor has a firing squad pole in her back yard with my name on it, everything should go okay :)


PS ... If I'm this nervous about Step 1, WTF am I going to do about Step 5?

friday grAAtitude

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 232 days sober
• my kickass homegroup
• the warm fire the guys built at the outside meeting tonight
• meeting up for coffee, hot chocolate, music, and dice after the meeting tonight :)
• this program focusing on making progress ... sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly
• my adorable dog, who can hardly walk due to a recent hip injury -- yet he gets up and runs to see me when I walk in the door. I pray that I will learn that kind of enthusiasm in my life, that I would get up and run to God and to others with enthusiasm regardless of the pain.
• my supportive family
• not working in retail today ("Black Friday" is a scary day to work in retail!)
• my new mp3 player. They've started playing instrumental Christmas music over the speakers at work. Yeah. The kind that makes you go nuts. Thank GOD for the mp3 player ...
  
• my car works! Woohoo!
• Thanksgiving leftovers
  
• the beautiful sunshine and cool breeze today
• feeling accepted
• finding myself sincerely caring for others and their situations
  
• staying sober this week
• calling other alcoholics, and them being willing to talk to me
• God, because when I feel most alone, I'm most able to feel Him with me.
  

'tis the day before thanksgiving ...

"Umm, has anyone seen Big Bird?"

it takes a village

A cool chick picked up a three year chip tonight. She thanked the group for helping her to stay sober, and she made the comment, "It takes a village to raise an alcoholic." How true!

But there was a time in my earlier sobriety where I didn't feel like I belonged to the AA village. I felt like someone who hasn't been rejected yet. I knew I needed AA, but I didn't feel connected. I grew resentful toward the program and toward the people in it.

One day I heard a long-timer give a newcomer some advice: "Go to meetings until you want to go to meetings. Then go to meetings." I took that advice. I dragged myself to two meetings every day.

It didn't take long for me to start wanting to go to meetings. And then I started getting excited about going to meetings. Then it wasn't about going to the meeting anymore -- it was about catching up with people there to see how they're doing.

I started to see how each person in AA helped me, and how I could help them too. Before I knew it, I finally felt like I was a part of the AA village.

Looking back, I realize that I felt disconnected because I didn't connect myself. I'm grateful that I've learned how to connect to this program. I'm no longer trying to raise myself -- I have the help of a whole village.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 230 days sober
• AA buddies, online and off
• my awesome homegroup
• my sponsor
• my supportive family
• living in an area with abundant meetings
• God, because He creates hope
  

maximum service

"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us" (Big Book, p. 77).

This has always been my favorite quote from the Big Book. But I was thinking about it on the way home from work today: "What have I done to fit myself to be of maximum service?"

I feel like I should be DOING something. If you want to be a body builder, you lift weights. If you want to be a marathon runner, you run. If you want to be of maximum service to God and other people, you ... do ... what ... exactly?

Obviously working the 12 Steps with a sponsor plays a huge role. Calling other alcoholics and providing encouragement is a big part too. Doing service work is another. Staying sober makes it all possible.

But I still feel like I'm missing something. I'm just feeling a bit uneasy or "off" somehow.

What do you do to fit yourself to be of maximum service to God and the people around you?

ultimate fighting championship

WOW -- this has got to be the best UFC fight ever! Either click "Play" below, or [click here] to view at YouTube.

(Works best on fast connection)

doing good

It always amazes me to see people doing good things in the world.

Today I was fortunate to spend some time at a kids party. It was arranged like a carnival in a store parking lot and was being run by several biker clubs. Society in general tends to regard bikers with a certain amount of distrust, so it seemed especially cool to see the various clubs working together to make something fun for the local kids.

(Hey, for any sober bikers in recovery out there, Motorcycle Mike has an awesome blog [HERE]. Check it out!)

I saw several parents driving by to stop and ask the admission price. They were all so happy to find out that it was free. The kids really had a great time.

All of the bikers were so nice. Some of them are members of my homegroup. I knew they were nice before ... but it meant something special to see them today. It makes me ask myself "When was the last time I did something nice for someone?"

I'm grateful for the example they set, and for the reminder they have given me.


Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 227 days sober
• witnessing kindness today
• AA buddies online and off
• meeting up for coffee with friends
• being exhausted after a killer workweek
• having stepwork to do
• my family still remembers my name. I haven't been home much lately.
• my sponsor, because she's willing to talk with me every day
• God, because He is speaking to me through so many different people and things right now.

PS -- For another story about people doing good in the world, check out [this story] about a "Secret Santa", who has given away $1.3 million to random people at Christmas time. What a great story!

so grateful today

Today, I'm especially grateful because:

• I'm sober.
• Today was a difficult day, and I was grateful to realize that there's no such thing as a "bad day" as long as I get through it sober.
  
• I have a job. I've worked 40 hours in the past three days, with 40 more hours to work through Saturday. I'm absolutely exhausted! But the good news is: It's all overtime pay! Woohoo :)
  
• My kickass homegroup is awesome. Spending some time with those amazing people makes me feel almost human!
• I'm developing relationships with other recovering alcoholics.
• My sponsor is being incredibly patient with me.
• My family is awesomely supportive of me.
• I have everything I need.
• I don't have everything I want. That's a very good thing.
• I'm learning how to love people and escape my "shell" a bit.
• I had a drinking dream last night. It was upsetting ... but I needed it. Re-experiencing the mindset of active drinking was a much needed shock.
  
• God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. He's not changing my circumstances -- He's changing me.
  

willingness

It was never in my life's plans to be an alcoholic. My first days in the AA program were filled with so much gratitude that being an alcoholic didn't bother me. I was so happy to finally have hope for recovery.

But later on, the thought of going to meetings for the rest of my life and constantly struggling with alcoholism frightened me. It especially scared me when AA long-timers would crawl into discussion meetings to complain about how horrible their lives are in sobriety. I didn't want that for myself. If that was all I had to look forward to in sobriety, then why not keep drinking?

I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I didn't want what they had. I wanted that sense of ease and comfort that alcohol at one time provided. And after these thoughts consumed my thinking during March and April, I ventured back into the bottle in search of that ease and comfort. I regained consciousness to find my arms slashed and a knife by my side. Obviously, no sense of ease or comfort was found in that bottle.

Alcohol had stopped providing me with ease and comfort a very long time ago. It now offers incomprehensible demoralization with the false promise of ease and comfort.

However, I have recently found that I can experience that evasive sense of ease and comfort when I find the sincere willingness to live without it.

I experience ease and comfort when:

• I am willing to do what God wants me to do, rather than what I want to do.
• I am willing to accept reality as it is, without attempting to control it.
• I am willing to pray.
• I am willing to ask for help.
  
• I am willing to follow the advice and instruction of a sponsor.
• I am willing to let go of previously held concepts and ideas (i.e.: "Hey, but I already finished that step!")
• I am willing to live by spiritual principles.
• I am willing to find gratitude in unpleasant situations.
  
• I am willing to call someone every day, even when I don't want to.
• I am willing to go to a meeting every day, whether I "need" one or not. (Meetings don't exist for me! Whenever I think, "I don't need a meeting", that means I have the responsibility of attending a meeting anyway -- for everyone else who does need a meeting. Imagine desperately needing a meeting but nobody being there.)
• I am willing to grow.
  
• I am willing to feel discomfort.
  
• I am willing to be afraid.
• I am willing to be wrong.
  
• I am willing to help.
• I am willing to listen.
• I am willing to care.
• I am willing to get hurt.
• I am willing to make amends to everyone I have hurt.
• I am willing to live the life of a sober recovering alcoholic.

And when I find willingness to do these things -- and actually DO them -- I experience the same sense of ease and comfort that I once felt alcohol had robbed from me.

The "Serenity Prayer" is very popular over here:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The prayer seems to suggest that serenity is a requirement for acceptance ("Grant me the serenity to accept ...").

But to me, I think the prayer has it backwards. Serenity does not generate acceptance, but acceptance generates serenity. Willingness is the beginning of that process. When I become willing to experience the things I want to avoid, THEN I can accept the things I cannot change. Serenity is an effect or byproduct produced by that process.

As long as I seek to control or avoid an outcome, I will never experience serenity.

a desired change

Went to my homegroup tonight (err -- Friday night) and had a great time. It's strange how my attitudes towards people are changing.

From when I first came into the program up until a month ago, it was all about me. I had problems. I couldn't stop drinking. I was depressed. I was upset. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just showed up and sat there as if expecting some sort of accreditation of sobriety and spiritual growth via "assmosis".

But as I fight out of that shell, my mindset is turning outward. I want to know more about everyone else. I think about them during my day and pray for them when it feels right. I'm starting to look forward to calling people -- not to tell them about my day, but to ask them about theirs. I really want to know. And that's different for me! I've never really had a genuine interest in how somebody else's day went, or how they're feeling ... but now I sincerely want to listen. Although it's still hard for me to open up and share, that will be the next change.

I'm also enjoying the stepwork my sponsor gave me. One assignment is to make a list of all of the ways I tried to control my drinking. The other assignment is to make a list of all of the ways my life is unmanageable. I can't stop writing.

I'm in the right place with the right people. Thank God.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 219 days sober
• awesome AA buddies online and off
• my kickass homegroup
• my family, who has seen me for about 15 minutes total over the past week because I've been so busy working and going to meetings
• my adorable dog, who still thinks I'm someone worth cuddling with
• God, because I swear I felt Him with me over this past week

smoking dreams?

In AA, I often hear people share their experiences with vivid and usually upsetting drinking dreams. I've had them too. There's nothing like that feeling of waking up and wondering, "Oh my God -- did I drink again?" The dreams seem so frightfully real. I was so relieved to find out that they are normal to experience.

Well every night over the past five nights, I've had dreams about smoking. This is especially odd because I've never even had a cigarette before. No cigarettes, cigars, drugs, nothing. So I don't know where the dreams are coming from or why I'm having them. To make things even more crazy, my mom has also been having dreams about me smoking. WTF?

I really don't want to start smoking. I have no desire to pick up another addiction. Alcoholism is enough. It bothers me that I don't understand why I keep having these dreams, and why she keeps having them too.

I suppose it's time to stop obsessing over the "why's" and the worries. They are only dreams. In the mean time, I have a job to perform, a program to work, relationships to build, and a Higher Power who has this seemingly chaotic mess in perfect order.

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely," (1 Corinthians 13:12, NLT).

I need to come to terms that it's okay not to have the answers. It is even okay to never have the answers.

Where is faith in answers? And how can I stay sober without faith?


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 216 days sober
• my homegroup (Hey, I shared in a meeting tonight! Somebody check the weather -- because Hell must have frozen over!)
• my sponsor and the stepwork she gave me to do
• awesome AA buddies online and off
• my supportive family members who understand when they only see me for five minutes a day so that I can go to meetings. Feeling dastardly selfish about that one ...
  
• a job where I feel like my contribution is meaningful
• God, because He knows all about my screaming defects -- and loves me anyway
  

glass half empty

While getting dressed this morning, a series of thoughts ran through my head that perfectly captured my innate tendency to always see the worst side of everything in life.

I was in a hurry and hastily decided on an outfit. But I quickly realized that my slacks didn't fit. They were too big. I had apparently lost weight since I wore them last.

Now, I have been trying to lose weight over the past month. I have been eating healthy and exercising. But this morning when I realized that my slacks didn't fit, I became angry with myself for losing weight.

Ummm ... hello? Why on earth would anyone get upset for getting exactly what they wanted? But that's precisely what I did.

I see a similar pattern with other things in my life. Blessings are often first greeted with resentment and suspicion. In my mind, anything that seems too good to be true is too good to be true. Anything that seems to exceed my expectations must be a ticking time bomb waiting to go off the moment I trust it.

But deep down inside, I know that it really doesn't matter if something happens in my favor or against it. What happens, happens. It is what it is.

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."

I would like to get better at perceiving things around me in a more balanced perspective.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 214 days sober
• making it to a meeting tonight
• AA buddies online and off
• learning to call AA buddies
• my nice family
• a nice comfortable bed ... I'm so tired
• coffee tomorrow morning
• God, who helps me when I let go

chasing happiness?

From Twenty-Four Hours a Day, entry for November 4:

"We cannot find true happiness by looking for it. Seeking pleasure does not bring happiness in the long run, only disillusionment. Do not seek to have this fullness of joy by seeking pleasure. It cannot be done that way. Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life. True happiness comes as a result of living in all respects the way you believe God wants you to live, with regard to yourself and to other people."

This entry reminded me of the Coyote and Road Runner cartoon. The harder he chases after the road runner, the more pathetic the ending becomes. As he increases the ingenuity of his attempts, it merely increases the complexity of his failure (e.g.: he falls off a cliff, gets smashed by a giant bolder, and then blows up).

The harder I try to be happy, the more miserable I become. The faster I chase it, the faster it runs. It's only when I decide to stop, let go of my will, and give it to God that I can experience happiness.


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 213 days sober
• Amazingly Awesome AA buddies online and off
• my supportive family, because they understand when I spend my evenings at meetings instead of with them
• my sponsor, who has given me a bunch of work to do. I need it.
• coffee, caffeine, computer, and car
• sleep
• God, who will enable me to do everything He needs me to do

tgfc

TGFC: Thank God for Coffee! I'll be needing it over the next few weeks. My department will be working 7am-7pm Monday-Saturday through the end of November ... and possibly into December. Yippee. I'm just grateful to have a job, to be paid by the hour, and that I can still squeeze in my regular 8:00 meetings.

It was another awesome meeting at my homegroup tonight. I'm so grateful for everyone there! I feel like such a newbie. I can't read the Big Book fast enough, though I've read it already a few times. It's just too much to remember.

I read the Big Book before I came to my first AA meeting. I didn't want to bother going to an AA meeting without knowing if it could help me. I knew I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. But I considered AA to be just a punishment for drivers charged with DUI/DWI -- that REAL alcoholics (such as myself) are hopeless nutcases who either drink themselves to death or die in asinine accidents worthy of Darwin Award nomination.

If not for the Big Book, I would have never come to believe that anything could restore me to sanity. But when I read the Doctor's Opinion and Bill's Story, I saw that I shared a common experience -- and then I saw hope! When it said at the end of Bill's Story that he was the founder of AA, I cried out of gratitude for the first time in a long time. I came to believe that AA could help me.

So I don't understand how or why newcomers keep coming back to AA meetings when they haven't read the Big Book yet. If all I did was come to my first meeting, be accosted by an overzealous mob of well-intentioned people, and read the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions on the wall, I would have been scared off. The mob would have been instantly written off as fanatics.

Besides, what is so hope-spawning about the Steps or Traditions for a newcomer? What alcoholic has ever enjoyed reading rules and guidelines anyway? Sure, we also read the Ninth Step Promises, but those sound like too-good-to-be-true sales pitches to newcomers. Maybe I'm too cynical, but that would have also turned me away if I had not already been convinced that the program works.

We all arrive to AA in our own unique ways, and no one way is better than another. I guess I'm having a hard time identifying with newcomers who didn't arrive at AA the way that I did. I don't really know what to say or do to encourage them. I really don't understand why they keep coming back.

What made you keep coming back?


Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

• being 211 days sober
• going to my homegroup tonight
• AA buddies online and off
• my cool family
• finally finding out what's been making me sick (I've been breathing insulation in my car ... the vent is spewing particles and small chunks into the cabin, but I didn't notice until recently when I started my car in the daylight.)
• getting to sleep in tomorrow
• God, who provides what I need (not necessarily what I want) when I'm ready to handle it
  

wednesday is spelled funny

Today started out kind of weird. I was rushing out to my car to get to work on time, and found that the neighborhood kids pelted every car on the street with eggs. I gave them Halloween candy last night, dammit. Yeah. Thanks. Stupid little brainless bastard punkass smacktards ...

I got so pissed. (That's proof that I'm turning into an old geezer!) But as I drove to work in stop-and-go traffic, I read out of Twenty Four Hours a Day:

"Hope is justified by many right nows, by the rightness of the present. Nothing can happen to me that God does not will for me. I can hope for the best, as long as I have what I have and it is good."

Nothing really felt "right" about having my car vandalized. But I guess the "rightness of the present" is supposed to encompass the entire present -- not just the individual things that bother me.

Yeah, my car got pelted. But at least I HAVE a car. And the rest of my life is getting better every day. I'm sober. I have an amazing family. I have a good job. I'm finally reaching out to people in AA. I have a relationship with a Power greater than myself, and He is holding my hand through this difficult transitional phase called "life".

And here I am complaining about what again? It's always the little things that knock me off balance ...

Today, I'm grateful for ...

• being 210 damn days sober
• making it to my homegroup meeting tonight
• AA buddies online and off
• my cool family
• my cute & affectionate dog: "God, please help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."
• my patient supervisor at work
• being allowed to listen to our own music at work (w/headphones)
• feeling sleepy enough to sleep ... I hope
• God, because He has a purpose for my life, even when I don't see it
  

Lyrics: "The Root of All Evil"

Band: Dream Theater
Album: Octavarium
Lyrics: Mike Portnoy



[VI. Ready]

Proud enough for you to call me arrogant
Greedy enough to be labeled a thief
Angry enough for me to go and hurt a man
Cruel enough for me to feel no grief

Never could have just a part of it
I always need more to get by
Getting right down to the heart of it
The root of all evil has been running my whole life

Dirty enough for me to lust
Leaving nothing left to trust
Jealous enough to still feel envious
Lazy enough to sleep all day
And let my life just waste away
Selfish enough to make you wait for me

Driven blindly by our sins
Misled so easily
Entirely ready to leave it behind
I'm begging to break free

Take all of me
The desires that keep burning deep inside
Cast them all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me be what I can be

[VII. Remove]

Self-centered fear has got a hold of me
Clutching my throat
Self righteous anger running all through me
Ready to explode

Procrastination paralyzing me
Wanting me dead
These obsessions that keep haunting me
Won't leave my head

Help to do for me what I can't do myself
Take this fear and pain
I can't break out this prison all alone
Help me break these chains

Humility now my only hope
Won't you take all of me
Heal this dying soul

I can feel my body breaking
I can feel my body breaking
I'm ready to let it all go
I can feel my body shaking
Right down to the foundation
The root of it all

Take all of me
And the drive that keep burning deep inside
Cast it all away
And help to give me strength to face another day
I am ready
Help me what I can be
I am ready
Come to me
Take me away

[Dedicated to Bill W. and all of his friends]