Sober since April 6, 2006


Saturday, November 11, 2006

a desired change

Went to my homegroup tonight (err -- Friday night) and had a great time. It's strange how my attitudes towards people are changing.

From when I first came into the program up until a month ago, it was all about me. I had problems. I couldn't stop drinking. I was depressed. I was upset. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just showed up and sat there as if expecting some sort of accreditation of sobriety and spiritual growth via "assmosis".

But as I fight out of that shell, my mindset is turning outward. I want to know more about everyone else. I think about them during my day and pray for them when it feels right. I'm starting to look forward to calling people -- not to tell them about my day, but to ask them about theirs. I really want to know. And that's different for me! I've never really had a genuine interest in how somebody else's day went, or how they're feeling ... but now I sincerely want to listen. Although it's still hard for me to open up and share, that will be the next change.

I'm also enjoying the stepwork my sponsor gave me. One assignment is to make a list of all of the ways I tried to control my drinking. The other assignment is to make a list of all of the ways my life is unmanageable. I can't stop writing.

I'm in the right place with the right people. Thank God.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

  • being 219 days sober
  • awesome AA buddies online and off
  • my kickass homegroup
  • my family, who has seen me for about 15 minutes total over the past week because I've been so busy working and going to meetings
  • my adorable dog, who still thinks I'm someone worth cuddling with
  • God, because I swear I felt Him with me over this past week


Deb said...

sweet. thanks for sharing the gratitude.

lash505 said...

Ha, Thats so true it was about me and plus I wanted to fight them.

Dharmashanti said...

The insanity that I call "the Misery Conspiracy" (includes addiction, codependency, etc.) works so well because it encourages us to isolate ourselves from everyone else.

Thanks to our Higher Power for this program that turns our head in a brighter direction.

Thank you so much for sharing.


An Irish Friend of Bill said...

That sounds like very healthy progress. Thinking obsessively about oneself is very small minded and sort of 'contracts' the mind into a little 'squirrelly' knot. Whereas, my mind feels a lot more spacious, and well, just 'different' in a good way, when I am trying to be of service to others. Its like petals opening. But in your head! Whatever that means!
I remember when I started to notice that I was starting to really care about other people. It was very cool indeed. It felt like a pilot light had been lit in my chest. (Like in the film ET, when et's chest 'glows') it was really nice caring about other people. I just hadn't really felt like that before. We really do just 'open up' with the aa programme. Its very cool really..