Sober since April 6, 2006


Saturday, February 10, 2007

can't sleep ... too busy projecting

For the past two months, I've been blessed with having a special guy in my life. I found out today there's a good chance that his job will be relocating him to another city.

Thanks to this program, my first impulse is to trust God. I know that He has my life and my guy's life all planned out according to what's best for each of us. I'm extremely grateful that our lives happened to intersect for the past couple of months. That's been a huge blessing to us both.

Thanks to my alcoholism, my second impulse is to project stuff that hasn't happened yet and get upset over it. If he relocates, that would be a great career move for him. But he would most likely meet someone else who's better for him than I am. So that means I'd lose him, and I don't like that idea. At what point does loving someone mean holding on or letting go?

Nevermind the fact that none of this has even happened yet -- and may never happen, the drama is already playing and replaying in my head. The projection started a few hours ago, and oh boy -- it's obviously having a field day with me.

I'm powerless over God's will -- whether I fight it tooth and nail or peacefully submit to it -- whatever happens will happen. If I want to live a sober life, I must submit, accept, and do the next right thing ... but it has to actually happen first.

The projection is one issue -- but the self-centered fear is another. It bothers me that I'm more concerned about my loss than his benefit. That isn't love ... that's selfishness. So now I feel guilty for wishing he could stay. But if I truly had no opinion regarding whether he stays or leaves, that would mean I don't have feelings for him at all. So by simply preferring one of the two possible outcomes, does that mean I'm being selfish?

See? This projection stuff is bad ... it doesn't stop ... ever ... I'm at least going to stop typing now :)


Pam said...

Oh you gotta love the "alcoholic mind" !!
One of the best techniques I've learned to "stop projecting" to say it all out loud in front of the mirror.
You are just human, trying to keep something that feels safe. Telling God all about what you want in life is not selfish.....I think God loves these conversations.


Just wanted to say hi

Anonymous said...

You are no different than any other young human out there(and some selfish old ones).Thats not alcoholism.That thinking is as old as mankind.It is connected to and passes with time.God knows no time.Thru our suffering we find his mercy.See ya

Big Sky Mack said...

My mind can do that to me, I can buy a lottery ticket and as soon as I do I am the winner, and then I start in with who I will try to help with that money. Then where I am traveling to.
Then let me hear a little squeak in my car and I am going to have a blown engine. I have to tell that committee in my head to shut up.
Hang in there!

dAAve said...

Step 3.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Enjoy your weekend. Hope everything will ends up well.

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Anonypus said...

I have ALOT of the same questions in my head. Am I being "normal" or is it the stink'n think'n.

I have to ask my sponsor for the answer.

Shadow said...

projecting.... there's a term for it?!?!? sounds so familiar to what i do too....