Sober since April 6, 2006


Wednesday, November 08, 2006

smoking dreams?

In AA, I often hear people share their experiences with vivid and usually upsetting drinking dreams. I've had them too. There's nothing like that feeling of waking up and wondering, "Oh my God -- did I drink again?" The dreams seem so frightfully real. I was so relieved to find out that they are normal to experience.

Well every night over the past five nights, I've had dreams about smoking. This is especially odd because I've never even had a cigarette before. No cigarettes, cigars, drugs, nothing. So I don't know where the dreams are coming from or why I'm having them. To make things even more crazy, my mom has also been having dreams about me smoking. WTF?

I really don't want to start smoking. I have no desire to pick up another addiction. Alcoholism is enough. It bothers me that I don't understand why I keep having these dreams, and why she keeps having them too.

I suppose it's time to stop obsessing over the "why's" and the worries. They are only dreams. In the mean time, I have a job to perform, a program to work, relationships to build, and a Higher Power who has this seemingly chaotic mess in perfect order.

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely," (1 Corinthians 13:12, NLT).

I need to come to terms that it's okay not to have the answers. It is even okay to never have the answers.

Where is faith in answers? And how can I stay sober without faith?

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...
  • being 216 days sober
  • my homegroup (Hey, I shared in a meeting tonight! Somebody check the weather -- because Hell must have frozen over!)
  • my sponsor and the stepwork she gave me to do
  • awesome AA buddies online and off
  • my supportive family members who understand when they only see me for five minutes a day so that I can go to meetings. Feeling dastardly selfish about that one ...
  • a job where I feel like my contribution is meaningful
  • God, because He knows all about my screaming defects -- and loves me anyway


Anonymous said...

Dreams very rarely mean anything literal...


To dream that you are smoking, indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in.


Nope...I don't think hell froze over yet.

Khakra said...

so true about frightful dreams.. reading this entry gave me a sense of deja vu. i had one such dream just a few days ago, and after waking up, i was grateful for being where i am right now.

Sober Chick said...

Perhaps too you and your mom are connected in a way that is yet to be determined by the both of you.

I never smoked too. So glad cuz the way I hang onto addictions I would have been a walking chimney!

dAAve said...

Your smoking dreams are pretty weird, considering you never smoked.
I hope it doesn't flood badly there when the ice melts.

Hippychick said...

Hey, I have weird dreams too, and guess what?

They're completely normal!

I have been telling my psychiatrist about my dreams and he said it's our brain chemistry that's changing once we stop using alcohol. It's our mind's way of going back to normal. Better not to analyze things too much for now. As long as it doesn't affect your sleep or cause insomnia.


Trudging said...

I am pretty sure that hell is still hot.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

I think that sounds cool. It means you are experiencing a special kind of connect ness with your mum at the moment.
I always say to new Sponsees. Recovery is 'weird'. 'Weird shit' happens, but its ok. Because I want them to 'expect' weird stuff, and get used to the idea of it happening. I tell them this at step 1. By the time they get to step 5, they 'understand' what I mean by that.
Think about it. The first 100 members tell us QUITE CATEGORICALLY that (in no uncertain terms)
'We have entered the world of the Spirit'. P84
Ah, but I hear you say, 'But they were only talking about THEMSELVES when they said that'. 'We' refers to THEM.
Ah! But have you not noticed this statement on page 163?..
'To DUPLICATE, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor'. p163
So! That means, that you tkdjunkie, can DUPLICATE, what we (meaning the first 100 members) have accomplished.
How cool is that! So you too can 'enter the world of the Spirit.' if you 'do' 'willingness, patience and labor.'
So basically, IF you DO 'enter the world of the Spirit.', you can experience the world quite differently to secular folk. The world of dreams takes on a different sort of life among many other things.
So don't worry, is what I am saying. Don't think it means you are going to smoke or anything.
Have you been helping newcomers a lot lately? I find this can really start making 'weird things' happen. Nice things! Not bad things!
See the REAL world IS 'THE WORLD OF THE SPIRIT'. Its actually MUCH more 'real' than the 'conventional world' (as the Buddhists call it). And this is 'felt' and experienced much more as we 'have a spiritual awakening as a result of doing the steps'. This programme is spiritual ROCKET FUEL, when used skillfully and accurately! So get used to the 'weird' stuff! But its cool so don't worry..
I think the dreams of both you and your mother are a good omen.
Disclaimer: Ignore all this if it freaks you out by the way!!

Dharmashanti said...

I never realized that other people have those "Oh my God! I had a drink!" dreams. After 10+ years of sobriety, I still get those!