A lightbulb turned on

Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and support. It's been a rough three weeks, and I think I know why.

In a meeting today, someone said that when we feel "restless, irritable, and discontent", it's usually because we're trying to run the show instead of turning our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

I've always felt that terrible feeling of restlessness, irritability, and discontent. Growing up, I always felt like the odd kid out. I was never (and I'm still not) comfortable with myself. I've always wished I could be someone else.

Alcohol was the first thing that ever brought me a sense of ease and comfort. After a few drinks, that bad feeling would be gone. Life was great! I could be myself and have fun. But then I'd always lose control and drink too much. I wouldn't remember alot of what I did or said after that point, but I'd find out later that I made a mess of things and hurt alot of people. So what started out as a "solution" became a symptom of a bigger problem.

What's the bigger problem? Shoot, I don't know. With alcoholism, they say "alcohol is but a symptom" -- it's not the problem in and of itself. The problem is something bigger and is deeply rooted in personality. I believe the problem is a mental illness that is directly affected by one's spiritual condition.

So now, without alcohol, I still feel "restless, irritable, and discontent". But I see now that the only way to find ease and comfort is by seeking spiritual progress.

Acquiring money, relationships, status, etc won't help me to grow spiritually, although my instinct tells me that if I have those things, I will be happy. That's a false instinct.

Spiritual progress, not perfection. That's something I can handle. I'm ready to make progress now. I need to work the 12 Steps in order to do that.


Today, I'm grateful for:

• realizing that I've been "dry" for 116 days, but "sober" for very few of them
• the nice people who read my blog
  
• my family, puppy, & boyfriend
• my car, which is an American make and somehow still works after 90,000 miles. It gets me to meetings :D
  
• God, who lets me find things out the hard way