Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Friday, July 07, 2006

Inferiority

I'm unemployed right now. I have a college degree, but I've never had a corresponding college-level job before. I've been stuck in the hell-hole of retail all my life (thus permanently branded as "unhirable" for any level of professional job).

Job-hunting has always been a significant trigger for my drinking, and even to this day, working on my résumé makes me physically sick and very emotionally upset.

While in the company of a few successful professionals today, feelings of inferiority crept in. The seemingly innocuous question, "So what do you do?" felt like a swift kick in the gut.

These people make more money in a week than I made last year. They have great jobs and massive amounts of money. Although I have the same level of education as they do, I have failed professionally and economically. Therefore, I'm a complete and utter loser.

I managed to reply with, "I'm between jobs right now," with a forced smile that could have been interpreted as a painful and humiliated grimace.

At first, I tried to arrest those feelings with the knowledge that "we're all just people, after all". And then I wondered why I was feeling inferior, and I felt spiritually defective for feeling inferior in the first place. Then I felt even MORE inferior. Panic tried to set in several times.

I wanted to melt away into thin air.

But I didn't melt. And I didn't drink.

The minutes and hours passed by. Through prayer, I managed to enjoy the rest of the evening and gracefully mask my exuberance when it was finally time to leave.

I'm grateful to be 92 days sober today.

6 comments:

BigSkymAAck said...

Way to go. I have been busy, super that you passed that 90 day mark.

Khakra said...

A job and money aren't life junkie, and don't make it your life by letting it intimidate you. It is useful, yes, but don't let it rule your life.

In India, people say life isn't about money, its about the family around you, the support you get, and the people you help. When I started my school to educate underprivileged kids, it was the happiest moment in my life. Money doesn't bring that kind of happiness, so don't let it get the better of you.

You are thankful of the right things you make you happy everyday as you mention in your blog everyday, let it continue! Your happiness is true and immaterial from which I have learnt a lot. You are very inspiring junkie, believe me. It's unmeasurable.

dAAve said...

If base our success and happiness as a human being on how much money we have and how many things we have, we will ALWAYS come up on the short end. This is because there will always be someone with more and we can never have enough.
I find it much better to be happy with what I have rather than be pissed off with what I don't have.
There are a lot of miserable people with great jobs and millions of dollars.

Lyssie said...

Feeling inferior is the story of my life. I didn't even graduate from college, I dropped out to recover. For me, the college environment just leads me to drink. I could never afford to go back. I went through the menial job/no job phase for a long time...and now I do a job that usually requires a diploma. So when people ask me "Where did you go to school?" I am forced to tell them "I didn't." or "I dropped out." At first, I was so ashamed. Everyone else had been to great schools, and could boast of their academic achievement. Like you, I felt like a real loser. I even felt stupid. It took me a while to realize that my colleagues actually admired me. While many of them had earned their spot because of academics, or from doing well in previous jobs-I was there because of pure talent.

So, to look at your situation-you say that the thought of job-hunting has lead you to drink in the past? And if I recall, in past entries you quit your last job because of the stress it was causing? I think the reason you don't have a job right now has nothing to do with you being a loser. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that, even subconsciously, you realize it's what you need at this stage in your recovery. Just like I had to get out of college. And there will be someone who will hire you; you will find the right job. You know your job is right when work is like play. :)

Anonymous said...

"Through Prayer,I managed to enjoy the rest of the evening and gracefully mask my exuberance when it was finally time to leave" Gods Kid :-)

tkdjunkie said...

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom :)