The Unexplained
An interesting thing happened yesterday that I can't explain:
I woke up happy. I was a bit bummed out because I missed my favorite AA women's meeting, but I was happy all day. Then I went to an AA speaker meeting at 5:30. The speaker was interesting and inspirational, but for some reason, my emotions went downhill. During the meeting, I got more and more sad. When I left, I was entirely depressed.
On the way home, the skies were darkening for a storm. (It's naturally stormy in the evenings here at this time of year.) I was driving down a happy, twisty road that I like. But from out of nowhere, I heard the most disturbing sound I've ever heard in my life.
At first, I thought it was a siren for an emergency vehicle, so I looked around for flashing lights. But then the sound took an unearthly, surreal tone and sounded like hundreds of people screaming. Mind you, I was driving in my car down a street where there were no people. It only lasted for a few seconds. But the sound was so loud, it shook me to the core. I think several other drivers heard it too -- because everyone stepped on their brakes at that same time and veered in their lanes. It helps to know that others heard something too -- otherwise I'd question my sanity.
It freaked me out, and I drove home like a bat out of hell. A storm was moving in. The scary kind. But I managed to get home before it hit, and even then, the worst of the storm missed our house.
But as I was driving home, I pondered what that sound was. I wondered if it was a premonition that something terrible had happened at home. So I drove faster. Then my mind wandered off in depressive mode. I started missing my ex, and hating -- absolutely HATING myself for the mistakes I'd made in our relationship. I was absolutely seething in anger toward myself. If I could have torn into my chest and ripped my heart out, I would have.
The feelings followed me all the way home. But once home, the intense anger left. I was just sad. I'm still sad today even though I know I shouldn't be.
Don't really know why I shared this ... I guess it just bothers me.
8 comments:
Hi tkd,
Saw your post at Mary's blog.....
Congratulations on your 45 days. Keep "coming back" and blogging for sobriety.
I have had lots of times when I would go to a meeting happy and wind up getting consumed by negative emotions afterwards. Don't know why - maybe something was said that triggered a past memory, and I couldn't make the connection. Hang in there......
45 days.......how cool is that.....really cool. Way to go!
I see you,
JJ
Congrats on45 days that's awesome. Remember feelings are not facts, hang in there.
First ~ Great job on 45 days. That is huge. Rock on sista friend ;)
Second ~ Thanks for stopping by my blog and complimenting my childlike poetry. I am not much of a writer but for some reason I just wanted to write something different to express my gratitude for my sponse. I tried.
Three ~ The fact that you are feeling those feelings, not running from them, drinking them down, not trying to ignore them but writing about them and admitting them is HUGE. I watch sooo soo so many people run from that core yuck. Of course it feels like crap. Thats why we all used alcohol and/or drugs, to not feel any crap. Those are human feelings. We can not feel up at all times. Sometimes it does not matter why we are sad. I have learned if something starts to bubble to just sit. My friend in early sobriety use to say "can't you just be still?" The fact of the matter is I could not at that time. It was too painful and felt too yucky. Today I can just sit and be. I can acknowledge the yuck and 9 times out of 10 it passes within minutes. When I try to avoid the yuck feeling it seems to linger around whispering "I'm still here".
Hope this was not too much babble for ya.
Be well,
G~
Wow -- thank you all for your insight and encouragement! I suppose I need to remember that feelings are not facts, and that the "yuck" is also just a feeling that will go away if I stand my ground. Of course, that's the hard part, lol :P
Thanks again for your comments, everyone.
Disc 1 of Joyce Meyer's women's conference....w/ Creflo Dollar is what comes to mind.
I'm praying for you....it'll be okay.
Congrats on your 46 days and thanks for including us in your journey.
I love that you're being so honest in expressing your feelings, and I love what Gwen wrote in response. WOW! Very powerful, because it's so true.
Post a Comment