Sober since April 6, 2006


Sunday, May 21, 2006

The Unexplained

An interesting thing happened yesterday that I can't explain:

I woke up happy. I was a bit bummed out because I missed my favorite AA women's meeting, but I was happy all day. Then I went to an AA speaker meeting at 5:30. The speaker was interesting and inspirational, but for some reason, my emotions went downhill. During the meeting, I got more and more sad. When I left, I was entirely depressed.

On the way home, the skies were darkening for a storm. (It's naturally stormy in the evenings here at this time of year.) I was driving down a happy, twisty road that I like. But from out of nowhere, I heard the most disturbing sound I've ever heard in my life.

At first, I thought it was a siren for an emergency vehicle, so I looked around for flashing lights. But then the sound took an unearthly, surreal tone and sounded like hundreds of people screaming. Mind you, I was driving in my car down a street where there were no people. It only lasted for a few seconds. But the sound was so loud, it shook me to the core. I think several other drivers heard it too -- because everyone stepped on their brakes at that same time and veered in their lanes. It helps to know that others heard something too -- otherwise I'd question my sanity.

It freaked me out, and I drove home like a bat out of hell. A storm was moving in. The scary kind. But I managed to get home before it hit, and even then, the worst of the storm missed our house.

But as I was driving home, I pondered what that sound was. I wondered if it was a premonition that something terrible had happened at home. So I drove faster. Then my mind wandered off in depressive mode. I started missing my ex, and hating -- absolutely HATING myself for the mistakes I'd made in our relationship. I was absolutely seething in anger toward myself. If I could have torn into my chest and ripped my heart out, I would have.

The feelings followed me all the way home. But once home, the intense anger left. I was just sad. I'm still sad today even though I know I shouldn't be.

Don't really know why I shared this ... I guess it just bothers me.


Sober @ Sundown said...

Hi tkd,

Saw your post at Mary's blog.....

Congratulations on your 45 days. Keep "coming back" and blogging for sobriety.

I have had lots of times when I would go to a meeting happy and wind up getting consumed by negative emotions afterwards. Don't know why - maybe something was said that triggered a past memory, and I couldn't make the connection. Hang in there......


45 cool is that.....really cool. Way to go!
I see you,

Rex said...

Congrats on45 days that's awesome. Remember feelings are not facts, hang in there.

Gwen said...

First ~ Great job on 45 days. That is huge. Rock on sista friend ;)

Second ~ Thanks for stopping by my blog and complimenting my childlike poetry. I am not much of a writer but for some reason I just wanted to write something different to express my gratitude for my sponse. I tried.

Three ~ The fact that you are feeling those feelings, not running from them, drinking them down, not trying to ignore them but writing about them and admitting them is HUGE. I watch sooo soo so many people run from that core yuck. Of course it feels like crap. Thats why we all used alcohol and/or drugs, to not feel any crap. Those are human feelings. We can not feel up at all times. Sometimes it does not matter why we are sad. I have learned if something starts to bubble to just sit. My friend in early sobriety use to say "can't you just be still?" The fact of the matter is I could not at that time. It was too painful and felt too yucky. Today I can just sit and be. I can acknowledge the yuck and 9 times out of 10 it passes within minutes. When I try to avoid the yuck feeling it seems to linger around whispering "I'm still here".

Hope this was not too much babble for ya.

Be well,

tkdjunkie said...

Wow -- thank you all for your insight and encouragement! I suppose I need to remember that feelings are not facts, and that the "yuck" is also just a feeling that will go away if I stand my ground. Of course, that's the hard part, lol :P

Thanks again for your comments, everyone.

Friend in VA in is praying for you said...

Disc 1 of Joyce Meyer's women's conference....w/ Creflo Dollar is what comes to mind.

I'm praying for'll be okay.

Mary Christine said...

Congrats on your 46 days and thanks for including us in your journey.

Designer Girl said...

I love that you're being so honest in expressing your feelings, and I love what Gwen wrote in response. WOW! Very powerful, because it's so true.