One Drink Away

I recently came across an old journal entry that I made October 2, 2005 (when I was drinking):

i stop and wonder about my purpose in life, and why my mind is filled with haze ... i've never felt so lost before. it's like i'm watching life happen as if it were a bad dream, too scared to act out. i watch situations unfold before me and feel powerless to influence them. i look down at my hands and remember their ability to build or destroy, and realize that my life itself has that same power. my very existance can build good things, or it can destroy good things. right now, i'm destroying good things, and wondering why i can't stop. it's like being in an airplane engaged in a nosedive -- i've got to pull out of that dive -- but every time i try, i fail.

i've been drinking alot. i've tried to stop numerous times, but have been unsuccessful. although i was able to stop drinking for 12 days -- that's the best i've done so far.

i don't know what to do ... i don't know who to turn to ... but i can't bear to see everything continuing to crumble before me ... my hands can't fix it, and my heart is becoming more and more crushed, and that bottle is looking more and more like a savior ... if i drink enough, it will end everything ... if i can't fix it, oh please let it end ...

It sounds pretty bad, but it was actually written long before I hit the bottom. I obviously knew that I had a problem with alcohol, and that my life was out of control. But I didn't admit to being an alcoholic.

I don't remember much from that time in my life. But I remember that my entire life revolved around when I'd be able to drink again.

I remember being stuck at work and constantly craving a drink. I remember drinking when I got home from work, and on weekends. I remember leaving work EARLY so I could come home and drink. I was constantly sick and hung over. I remember sneaking drinks in and lying to my boyfriend about not drinking.

I also remember my relationship with my boyfriend crumbling at this time, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. As far as I was concerned, everything was completely hopeless. Another drunk entry conveys that same sense of hopelessness [here].

I am so glad that those days are over. I'm no longer stuck in that haze. But I bitterly regret being unable to make better decisions during that terrible time, because they negatively affected those around me. At least today, I can do the right thing -- things that were once impossible for me to even HOPE of doing. I'm so grateful for that.

Those are days I don't want to relive. Ever.

But they're only one drink away.