Sober since April 6, 2006


Monday, April 10, 2006

Leaving Lies

To live
And not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy

To run
To run away
To find what you believe

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist

So I run
I run away
To the light of masochist

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

And I walked this line
A million and one f*cking times

But not this time

-- Excerpt from "Jesus of Suburbia", Green Day

When I was drinking the most, I listened to this part of the song repeatedly. He's referring to leaving a broken home. But feeling so overcome by alcohol, I interpreted those words with a different meaning for myself: leaving a broken life.

As a result of living under the power of alcohol, I felt like I was alive, but not really living.

I felt like my entire life while drinking was a "hurricane of f*cking lies". I knew it, and I wanted to leave it.

I felt like "I lost my faith" to something that didn't exist.

I felt like "I walked this line a million and one f*cking times". I couldn't wait for the day when it would be time to walk the line again, but I would finally have the strength to say "But not this time" ... and walk away from the drink once and for all ...

1 comment:

Tone said...

You're a very special person. You will fight until the end. You have people that will not give up on you. Dont give up on yourself! You're strong enough to do anything that YOU want.... You had the mental toughness to go and get that Blackbelt.... You can kick this addiction - squash it mightily! You dont have to do it alone, you've got friends that love you and care about you... PLUS - God will guide you through this... he does not forget his children. I may not be a good Christian.... Lord knows i dont go to church, and i dont particularly believe in the way religion is organized...... but *I* know God does exist, and i know he will see us all through.... He's got plans for us...
Love, always,