Sober since April 6, 2006


Monday, April 10, 2006

Starting Point

Alcohol destroys everything. It doesn't just destroy the life of the alcoholic -- but the lives of all around. The more you drink, the more people and things you destroy.

From my personal experience:

You don't want to hurt anyone you love, and you don't want to lose anything important to you. But you don't know how to get through the day without drinking. The very idea is similar to getting through the day without breathing. You can't just "not breathe". You can't just "not drink" either.

So you drink. That hurts people you love -- you end up saying or doing stupid things that hurt their feelings. You feel awful about that. You hate your behavior, and you feel like a monster.

You try to stop drinking to prevent further devastation. You know it's bad for you and bad for those around you. But you still don't know how to get through the day without drinking. You may be successful for a while, but you're obsessed with drinking. Thousands of thoughts whirl around in your head but the only stable thought is for another drink. The entire world is a blur and doesn't matter anymore -- the bottle is the one and only thing in focus.

At your wit's end, you reason, "Okay, I'll just have one drink. I won't get drunk this time." In no time after taking the first drink, you have finished twenty drinks and are staggering drunk and saying stupid things that hurt people again. You know you've failed again, and you know that you've become a worse monster than you were before. You are out of control.

The cycle repeats endlessly and gets progressively worse. This is how you change emotionally:

You become consumed with self hatred, cynicism, depression, passive-aggression, anxiety, and rage. You are a monster. Whatever friends you haven't scared off yet perceive you as a volatile emotional leach and burden. You know that you are a complete loser and a freak. Every time something goes wrong, it's proof that you're a blundering idiot. You are convinced that you're a terrible, horrible, worthless, stupid, miserable failure of a human being who should have never been born. In your mind, that is who you ARE -- it is the identity you have created for yourself through your alcoholism.

It makes no sense! But this is my personal starting point. It's not the "prettiest" nor "ugliest" of other people's stories I've heard. But it's my own -- everyone's story is different. Everyone has different issues. My issues often pale in comparison to everyone else's.

Some people lose their entire families, all their friends, their homes, their jobs -- everything -- and end up destitute. I was fortunate just to lose two people: a lying boyfriend who cheated (probably with a different random chick each day of the week), and a mutual friend who tried to be friends with us both. It was probably beneficial to everyone for those relationships to end, but I wish they didn't end as the result of an abusive drunken rage.

But in all "stories", it becomes obvious that simply stopping drinking won't fix everything. As destructive as it was, drinking was really only a symptom of other underlying issues. Continuing to drink prevents all hope for ever healing. But at least getting sober gives us a chance -- regardless of our starting point.


Tone said...

I had no idea..... I'm sorry for that,Kiddo... i really am... i did not know.... that.. he had done that to you..... like that.... sigh....

tkdjunkie said...

Tone, in many ways, I can sympathize with him. I was constantly getting drunk after promising to stay sober. That adds significant strain to any relationship. But it's still not a valid excuse to cheat, though. There is NEVER a valid excuse to cheat. It is inexcusable.

In cases like that, it's better to end the relationship FIRST before pursuing others. At least that allows the other person to keep a small amount of dignity when it's all over. Explain that the drinking is a problem, and that you need to leave. Then LEAVE. Perhaps that might give them a wake-up call to seek help.

Lessons I've Learned:

1) Never cheat on someone. If you truly need someone else, then show a tiny bit of personal HONOR and INTEGRITY by leaving your current "significant other" first. There is nothing you can do to hurt someone worse than to cheat on them. You might as well douse them in gasoline and set them on fire -- because that's how you make them feel emotionally. Never, EVER cheat on someone. That will destroy them.

2) If you've been cheated on, walk away and never look back. If they cheated on you one time, they will cheat on you MULTIPLE times without a second thought. They don't care about you. They will NEVER care about you. Regardless of what they say (it's all lies anyway), they never DID care about you. Your perceived relationship was never REAL. It was just your imagination. You deserve better than to spend your energy and affections on an imaginary relationship. You can NEVER make it real. It was never anything more than a lie. Leave the lie -- don't believe it.

3) Everything works out for good in the end. Wash away the blood, dirt, and tears -- and seek something good for yourself. There's no sense in sticking around to "boo hoo" over ridding your life of a worthless liar and scoundrel. There are better things to do. Just be grateful that the lying cheating bastard is FINALLY out of your life, and move on.

Tone said...

Awwwwh.... kiddo - i guess it is better AND you did learn something from it. just sucks knowing that you're such a sweet person, even though you were drinking, to have that happen to you.... ungh...
but at least you were able to take some good away from it.
i know things got a little strained, and i wasnt able to talk to you lots.... but i'm happy that you're finally working at getting sober (it takes a lot - trust me... i'm not perfect yet....)
you are the best - always remember that....
love, always

tkdjunkie said...

Thanks, Tone -- that's really nice of you.

But really ... look at what he was up against. I don't blame him for wanting to get as faaaaaaaar away from me as possible. I'm poison disguised as a human being.

The "cheat > lie > cheat > lie" part of it was his only injury to me -- and it's the only thing getting me through this. Otherwise, I would have thought that I had lost someone who actually loved me. At least I know he never did.

"And I leave behind this hurricane of f*cking lies ... "

RDW said...

Yes.We drink to escape the effects of our drinking.

Tone said...

I realize what he was up against..... exactly what i once was. No matter how poisoned you were by alcohol, you are STILL a sweet, loveable person. Dont forget that. The effects of this disease (if you want to call it that) on one's personality can be reversed. You are well on your way... you're gonna do this kiddo..... i have faith in you.
Bottom line is - at least you found out the real truth behind his modus operandi.... and in the long run - you're gonna be a better person for it! But... it wasnt all YOUR fault.... Just take away all the things you learned.... make yourself a better person - FOR YOU - and even better things will follow.
Love, Always,
p.s. that line you quoted so tooootally applies to this particular piece of your life history.... Go get 'em tiger!