Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

choose wisely: a) struggle to the top of the heap; b) hide underneath it; c) explode

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society, Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."
-- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p. 53


I thought I had this part worked out, but lately I'm finding myself either trying to be the fly on the wall or be the center of attention. (Sometimes I want to be both simultaneously, if that makes any sense ...)

When my expectations aren't met, I want to run away and revel in self-pity. I have ideas about how I think people should behave. When they don't behave that way, it throws me off. And when I get thrown off, I obsess over it until I'm too tired to obsess anymore.

Right now I feel cranky, tired, and stressed. And tired.

7 comments:

lash505 said...

feeling the same maybe its in the air or in the water.

Trudging said...

I can relate

LAS said...

Hide underneath it, definitely.

molly said...

there is certainly something in the water.. can TOTALLY relate.

recoveryroad said...

The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.

Yup.

We can all be cranky and tired together. :)

x

arahman7 said...

Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much.

Have a great weekend, TKDJunkie.

simsample said...

Hang in there girl!