Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

so grateful

I'm so grateful for the people in AA. They make me feel like I'm not the worthless piece of sh*t that I feel like I am. I don't get it and I don't understand how it works. But I simply can't express my gratitude for the AAs in my homegroup and the AAs online.

I'm slowly learning how to say in a group that "I'm not okay". It's easier to do online but much more difficult to admit in person. I always want to pretend that everything is fine, because otherwise I'll have to explain what's wrong. I don't do that very well. I usually have no idea what's wrong -- I just feel that something is wrong, there are thousands of things that created that feeling, and I'm confused by it all. I dunno how to put chaos into words. So all my life I've found that it's MUCH easier to pretend that everything is okay. Besides, who doesn't want to be okay? I want to be okay, everyone else wants me to be okay, so fine then, I'll pretend to be okay. (So much for that program of rigorous honesty!)

But this is getting better. People are being patient with me. And I'm starting to get over that fear of exposure. I don't have to present a false front ... and that's a relief.

5 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

its about learning how to live with the ego puncturing truth of ones condition every day. the ego is a ball and chain. useless! best to have none. the reason aa is so powerful is that it is all about ego puncturing actions. doing as we are told. asking for help. being of service. listening to our elders and betters. very tough! not touchy-feely ? whatever. its a great place to kick the ego into touch.

Anonypus said...

Fake it till ya make it!

Sober Chick said...

Precious, it is so tiring to be an actor or actress. When you show you feel "not ok" you begin to not take on the responsibility of playing a role. Your energy is directed in a good healthy way. Good for you to begin doing this, it takes time, give yourself that too!

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

I don't have to present a false front ... too.

I know it can be tiring sometime...

Meg Moran said...

it's our nature to be restless irritable and discontent....I don't have to pretend. One minute I'm ok, next I'm wishing I could take out a train with a rocket launcher cuz it's gonna make me late for work....LOL ! My head spins, my moods plunge...I just keep trudging. You're not alone. Its about progress...this too shall pass.