emotion switch?

Today I was thinking over some things, and I realized that I have a coping mechanism that I didn't know I've been using.

I can turn my emotions on or off at will. And whenever I reach a point where I'm feeling too many negative emotions, I turn my emotions off. All of them. I become very cold and callous about everything and everyone -- and that sucks -- but it makes the pain go away.

Would that be apathy?

It just seems easier to cut off emotionally and walk away from whatever hurts than to experience those unpleasant feelings and work through them like I should. I don't have any answers yet but I felt the need to spill that out there.

sorry for the slowdown ...

I haven't had much to say in this blog for a while. When I first started blogging about recovery, this blog was my primary contact with other AA's.

When I first started getting sober, I had spent the previous two years of my life practically living online, so the transition into "real life" was scary. I went to AA meetings but I was too scared to talk to anyone or make any friends.

But since last October, I got over that fear -- I had to -- it was the only way I was going to stay sober. So now, I spend as much time as possible with my homegroup members ... and I don't have as much time to devote to this blog anymore.

I'll keep posting things whenever I can, but it's gonna be slow. I just didn't want anyone to think that I've "gone out" or that I don't care anymore.

I'm extremely grateful for this blog and for the online AA's out there ... the internet is a medium largely ignored by many AA's, but it has proved to be miraculous for me. Thanks to everyone who stops by!

rent-a-sponsor

I came across this mock-advertisement in the meeting binder for my homegroup. Thought it was funny, and someone else out there might like it!

so grateful

I'm so grateful for the people in AA. They make me feel like I'm not the worthless piece of sh*t that I feel like I am. I don't get it and I don't understand how it works. But I simply can't express my gratitude for the AAs in my homegroup and the AAs online.

I'm slowly learning how to say in a group that "I'm not okay". It's easier to do online but much more difficult to admit in person. I always want to pretend that everything is fine, because otherwise I'll have to explain what's wrong. I don't do that very well. I usually have no idea what's wrong -- I just feel that something is wrong, there are thousands of things that created that feeling, and I'm confused by it all. I dunno how to put chaos into words. So all my life I've found that it's MUCH easier to pretend that everything is okay. Besides, who doesn't want to be okay? I want to be okay, everyone else wants me to be okay, so fine then, I'll pretend to be okay. (So much for that program of rigorous honesty!)

But this is getting better. People are being patient with me. And I'm starting to get over that fear of exposure. I don't have to present a false front ... and that's a relief.