Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

pride in reverse

Well I managed to write a few positive things in my fourth step last night. I didn't go off on tangents to turn positive things into negative things, though I was REALLY tempted to do so.

Reminds me of something from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (p. 45):

"If tempermentally we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse. This is not a moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to the bottle and extinction."

I identify with that ... especially the "swamped with guilt and self-loathing" part.

For a long time, prayer has been difficult because I can't get past asking for forgiveness. "God, please forgive me. I screwed up there ... and I was impatient over there ... and my motives were wrong over there ..." and eventually I get depressed. So I'll thank God for everything and everyone He's blessed me with, but then I'll feel guilty for receiving those blessings because I don't deserve them. At that point, I don't want to pray anymore -- I'm too angry at myself to pray, so I'll go on with the rest of my day pissed off.

But that's just another manifestation of selfish "pride in reverse". Apparently I get miserable because I want to be miserable ... otherwise I wouldn't indulge in it. It's always "all about me". Nobody else makes me feel that way.

Anyway I'm tired ... feeling better today ... just very tired.

13 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Nah. groveling obsequious 'prayer' is not good. Did you do any Dickens in school? Remember Uriah Heep? Bleh! You don't want to be like that do you? Well then! No more groveling pleas for 'redemption' from your 'terrible' iniquities.
All this being 'down' on yourself. It's all very 'drama queen', Chill! Wear life like a loose garment. not a hair shirt!
Yes you're right. it IS pride in reverse. But think about it. Pride is essentially BS. So when you think you are s**t, you are JUST as full of BS, as when you think you are better than everybody else. they are BOTH very arrogant positions. When will you know when you have hit the balance JUST right? When you are COMFORTABLE. Be guided by the wisdom of your feelings (meaning what feels 'happy joyous and free') and you will ALWAYS be guided to gods will. Well that's what I think anyhow,,
Well done for spotting the reverse pride though! Keep up the good work! It keeps getting better!

Blue said...

"pride in reverse" I am right there with you on that one, my sponsor always referred to it as ego in reverse... same BS as pointed out above... it takes a long time to discover that we deserve forgiveness… even longer to believe in it. Well at least for me it has been that way. But don’t give up, or wallow in your own sh*t too long.

I used to pray in the way you wrote about, but some where along the way it stopped working. So now I just pray for “knowledge of God’s will for me & the power to carry it out” pg 58 & 60

Makes things much simpler for me

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. At least you're feeling better today.

recoveryroad said...

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

That is probably my favourite bit of the 12+12 - it sums me up to a tee.

Thinking of you.

K .x.

Anonymous said...

It's amazing how we can so easily turn against ourselves, eh? I always have to fight to keep myself from beating up on me.

T.K.
My blog: http://www.sobertoday.org

Anonymous said...

Are you doing the 4th step in the big book?????

twodogsblogging said...

Don't feel like the Lone Rangerette. I just got totally tire-squealing mad because some idiot eating her lunch while she parallel parked in two spaces blocked MY parking space. It comes and goes, just ride with it and note it, is what I do. I keep working on removing the anger from my life, but hey, it's a process like everything else.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Lone Rangerette!!

LOVE IT 2Dogs!
Hehehe

AAwoken said...

Nice blog. Adding you to my links.

lushgurl said...

Okay...now I know for sure why I stopped by here!
I've been blog-stalking and thought I'd check out your place. I recently got my 9 month chiop and told my sponsor that I eanted to do a fourth step before my year. I was good with that at first, but then started to get nervous, what if it brought up stuff that makes me feel bad (again)?
As usual good old Higher Power is here to guide me! I loved your post and you received lots of great feedback! I hope you are well now, I for one do feel better. HUGS

recoveryroad said...

Just dropped by to say hello.

Hello.

:)

Kelly said...

I've been reading over your blog, trying to catch up over what's been almost a year since I last looked at it. I used to read it when you were still using your MSN space to blog. I knew who you were by way of MTS2, and a certain person... and initially, I didn't want anything to do with you because of your relationship with that person... but as I read your blog, I kept finding myself liking you. I never should have not liked you in the first place, especially in retrospect.
While I'm not an alcoholic, and have drank but three times my entire life, I never the less find your struggles and insights something to learn from. My dad is, I suppose, a recovering alcoholic? He hasn't drank since I was probably a year old, so he's been sober roughly 19 years, but just the same. While I'm glad he was able to kick the habit on behalf of me and my sister, I see his brother Greg struggling with alcohol, as well as my uncle Mike on my mother's side, and the father of my nephew. Some days I worry that my sister, too, is going to become an alcoholic. The way she drinks makes my mother and I extremely nervous sometimes. So again, while not being a drinker, I find myself surrounded by alcoholism and seeing it's effects on both the people suffering and the people who love them. While I can't personally fathom what you go through day to day, I none-the-less admire you for your struggles. You are an incredible person, and I wish you nothing but the best in your efforts.
I don't know that I could offer any help to you, and I don't know that you'll even care to speak to me if you read my own blog. In retrospect, I'm not sure if what happened forms a bond or barrier between us. Either way, just know that there is another person out there following your struggle and offering you any support that you might need. My best wishes go out to you.

tkdjunkie said...

Thank you all very much for your kind words ... I simply don't know what to say in response.

Thank you