Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

off day

Sometimes I really want to talk to people, and other times, I wish I could disappear into the wall. Tonight was one of those nights where I was glad to be at a meeting but I would have given anything to be invisible.

There was no valid reason to feel like this.

Work has been uncomfortable for the past month. One of my coworkers pretends that I don't exist. It started on my first day on the job: every morning for the past six months, I'll smile and say "Good morning" to her and she completely ignores me -- for the entire day, regardless of what I do or say -- she pretends I'm not there. She does this to several other people too ... so whatever it is, it's her problem. And management keeps assigning mind-numbing projects to us ("Here, put these 7,000 dusty file folders in alphabetical order -- by Friday. Oh and don't fall behind on your regular work. No overtime is allowed.").

For the most part, I'm not having a hard time with work. Yeah, sometimes it gets under my skin when my coworker repeatedly ignores me. But whatever ... she has her issues, and if I feel offended by her issues, my that's my problem. And sometimes it gets under my skin when management imposes ridiculous deadlines for seemingly never-ending mundane tasks. But that's what management is for. Their job is to keep me busy.

Sometimes I worry about the future. All of these worries are self-centered fear. I'm afraid of losing something. But when I consider how a change of circumstance that causes me to lose something could possibly benefit someone I love, I become willing to let go ... and I stop worrying about it. It's difficult to let go and STAY that way. I keep taking it back. That annoys me. This stuff is so hard to let go of and so easy to take back.

But when I remember the hell my life was when I was drinking, and consider the miracles that have happened in sobriety ... these silly annoyances don't carry so much weight anymore. I have choices today that I didn't have before. I've found a new source of security that can't be shaken by anything or anyone -- unless I allow it.

Lately, my days have mostly consisted of repeatedly stepping away from the center of the universe. Because as the day goes on, I'll somehow float back to the center, and once again find myself expecting the universe to revolve around ME. Then I'll have to step aside again. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." I have to make that decision many times every day.

And it all comes back to the meeting tonight. Even at the "meeting before the meeting" ... I wanted to disappear. I wanted to be there with everyone because I love them and deeply care about them ... but I felt so uncomfortable that I only wanted to watch from a distance, and I was absolutely miserable the entire time. This feeling comes and goes at random. I really didn't want to feel this way tonight. I hated every second of it. I still don't understand what this feeling is or why it keeps coming back.

7 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Ah, but what newcomers were you trying to help at that meeting? It is by giving that we receive.
When I go to a meeting it is never a habitual 'social' occasion. The ONLY purpose of a meeting is to find and take care of the the alcoholic MOST IN NEED.
If I just ''went' to a meeting 'expecting' to ''feel comfortable' or 'sociable' for no particular reason, I would probably feel like you describe too. It almost sounds like you think you are doing somebody ? a FAVOR by showing up! showing up is only HALF the deal. There are people in MOST meetings with REALLY !! TERRIBLE personal circumstances and AGONISING 24hr mindsets. Those people DO become casualties of alcoholism if left unattended.
Its just the way you speak about this meeting its as if you are completely oblivious to the desperate levels of suffering occurring inches away from you. the 'secret' is in the preamble. Your primary purpose is to stay sober and help other people achieve sobriety. Its all about your INTENTION. Your REASON or MOTIVE for being there. If you want the happiness that AA promises, then follow the instructions of the first 100 members and be VERY clear about WHY you are in a meeting. Being self obsessed will ALWAYS feel uncomfortable.

"A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be." p97

"These men had found something brand new in life. Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves for others." p159

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now." p124

"the dark past is the greatest possession you have-the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them." p124

"Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?" p86

"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead." p13

"The spiritual life is NOT a theory. We HAVE to LIVE it." p83

Doesn't say, except for Tkjunkie, does it?
If you want what the first 100 members 'got', you have to follow the example of what the first 100 members DID.

Of COURSE people experience variable emotions no matter what they choose in life. The human condition is not 'flat', but I'm just drawing your attention to WHAT WAS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU in your mind during that meeting. From what you said it did not sound like it was the primary purpose. That's all. I know that if I went to a meeting wanting to 'get' something instead of looking out for those most in need, I would not enjoy it either.
"It is by self-forgetting that we find" It IS by giving that we receive.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

What can I say? My Irish Friend of Bill said it all.

Peace.

Shadow said...

hey! you're just like me... i like people.. as long as i can interact with them only when i want to...

Trudging said...

Yes, our Irish friend has said it all. As far as work goes, treat her like you would a sick newcomer.

Trudging said...

Hey, my sober date is April 5th, we should have a party!

Michael said...

Message From Noor
I'm sorry, Michael. I'm in a Cyber Cafe in town right now. I can't get access to my Internet since last Friday's night. I guess my CPU was struck down by lightning. I forgot to take out the telephone line and I pay dearly for my carelessness.

I can't always go to my friends' house just to use their computer and this Cyber Cafe are using, most of them are using dial-up connection and it took ages for anything to get loaded. I didn't get the chance to visit all my Recovery Friends' blog and I hope you will spread the words around about my predicaments whenever you visit them.

I'm reaching out for your help to tell them all. You can use My Sacred Links to visit and leave a message on their blogs.

I don't know when I shall be online again. Still waiting for their technician to repair my PC. I was told it may take at least two weeks before I shall be online again.

Oo boy, how can you live without your beloved PC for two long weeks?

Please Michael, I'm counting on you. See you in two weeks time. Bye for now...

recoveryroad said...

If you consider our drinking and drugging and why we searched for oblivion, it's not too surprising we sometimes want to "disappear" whilst in recovery. Just listen to the signs/signals and talk them through with someone...which may be the last thing you want to do if you want to disappear. Lol.

You're doing fine. Keep on keepin' on, hon.

(((HUG)))