Sober since April 6, 2006


Sunday, February 11, 2007

tall enough?

The light bulb over my head finally turned on: Sometimes talking about this stuff works better than blogging about it.

That little discovery seems obvious to most people ... but I've never been able to talk to anyone about anything before. I can write about almost anything, but talking about it has always been (and still is) very difficult. There must be a disconnect between my brain and my mouth, because I can type much easier than I can speak.

So after talking about this, I'm feeling much better now. The discomfort yesterday was caused by something I didn't even blog about anyway.

Yesterday I felt "left out" because I wasn't included in something. It brought back the same feelings I had as a kid at the theme park. In front of the roller coasters, they have the sign that says "You must be at least this tall to ride". I remember my big brother standing next to the sign and being tall enough to ride. But I'd stand next to it, and I wouldn't be tall enough. So I'd have to watch him go on the ride and have all the fun. That sucked.

Well I felt like that yesterday. I felt inadequate. I wondered if I might have been included if I was better, cooler, or otherwise "not such a dumbass". That's a great way to ruin a day. And I ruined it quite sufficiently. (Not getting any sleep the night before and forgetting to eat all day didn't help either. I need to learn how to eat and sleep ...)

How often do we waste time and energy worrying about that kind of stuff? Fears of inadequacy are sometimes the most devastating fears. They take away what little confidence we have and replace it with self-contempt and downright self-hatred. I've got enough of that ... I don't need any more.

It's interesting how little things like this can have so much power over us. And for some unknown reason, I have this bizarre willingness to give it all the power it needs to ruin almost everything.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

  • staying sober
  • spending time with that guy who likes me for reasons I'll never understand
  • finding out I can talk about things that bother me ... it's not easy, but it's possible
  • my family & my dog
  • nice warm pajamas
  • a job to get up for in the morning
  • my car still works (woohoo!)
  • starting a new art/craft project ... I got all the stuff, now I just need time
  • God. He's laughing at me right now, but that's okay.


Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

That guy must be a very happy person to win your heart.

dAAve said...

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. Those feelings of "not being good enough" or "inadequate" can be overwhelming. They cause me to isolate. I am now in therapy for this very thing (low self-esteem). We have identified certain triggers and I am learning how to handle those triggers. One day at a time.
Of course, the fact that your man loves you should be proof enough, but ....

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recoveryroad said...

That feeling of exclusion, not being wanted, not part of the 'gang' took me right back.

Anonymous said...

I like the ride comparison.My experience was a little different at the actual roller coaster.I remember my little brother not being tall enough.I could ride but he could not.It actually took alot of the fun out of the ride for me.It just wasnt the same without him that year.

Anonymous said...

Yes, we all do struggle with the same things, don't we?
Not good enough. wanting to belong. feeling left out.
We can ALL relate.
Good post, as usual.
And, MAN, can I relate to the not talking thing!!! WOW!

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Happy Valentines, TKD.

Trudging said...

I remember how disappointed I was when I finally got big enough to ride. This is it. This is what I been waiting for. Story of my life.