Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

stuck with me

Sometimes, I want to withdraw from everything and everyone. Sometimes, I want to draw closer to them.

I always want the opposite of my situation. If I'm surrounded by awesome people, I want to be alone. If I'm alone, I don't want to be alone.

I couldn't wait for my favorite meeting tonight. But once I got there, I wanted to leave. I couldn't wait to be alone. So instead of hanging out after the meeting, I withdrew. Now that I'm alone, I don't want to be alone anymore ... and I'm frustrated with myself for being so fickle.

Is it because I'm uncomfortable with others, or is it because I'm uncomfortable with myself? Wherever I go, there I am -- totally out of place and inadequate. I have always considered that to be a part of "social anxiety" or "shyness", but the same feelings are there even when I'm alone. So there's something else I can't blame on anything but myself.

I'm in the middle of a fourth step, and right now I feel like the scum of the earth. I seriously don't like "me". I can get rid of others and be as alone as I want, but I'm still stuck with me.

7 comments:

dAAve said...

It sounds to me like an esteem issue. I suffer from the same type of thinking. I am learning that it's all about perceptions - they are almost always incorrect.
Keep working the steps and most importantly, Keep Coming Back.

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

You know, dAAve is right. I used to feel like that too especially here, in Malaysia. The people here, really make me feel like the scum of the earth just because I'm an addict. I really felt that I'm unwanted and I wanna be all by myself.

But I really believed there are many good folks out there, who can accept me as I am. Like you my friend, and our recovery friends.

Anonymous said...

I won't post often, but you are right where you need to be.After all we will love you until you can love yourself. and we do love you. alot, some more than others. this is just the normal process when tackeling this step. But remember you are no longer that person who drank. "you have been reborn, and been given the power to help others" BB P132. Also, "we absolutly insist on enjoying life"

lushgurl said...

...wherever I go ,there I am!....
Wow that sure brought up some stuff for me! I remember having an arguement with my daughter once, I was being a total beeatch, so she said " I can't stand to be around you when you are like this" to which I replied "well how do you think I feel, at least YOU can walk away from me, wherever I go there I am!"
We both had a good LOL at that, but you know, today I enjoy being with me (mostly). Do you think maybe it's because you are coming up to a year? Sometimes those milestones trigger my 'shitty committe' *HUGS*

Anonymous said...

Be still and let your uncommon sense catch up to you.Prayer gathers the attention.see ya

Mark said...

"Wherever I go, there I am -- totally out of place and inadequate."

???

Ooooooh NO!!!

"Wherever I go, there I am -- a wonderful, beautiful child of God who loves me beyond my imagination!!!"

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Nah. Don't worry. Standard step 4 s**t. Very common. The only way to make it better is to FINISH YOUR STEP 4, and share your step 5. Not in one go. as you will never retain all that you have been told. and thats it! It will feel funny till the very end of step 5. Untill then, just keep your life very simple, and don't go planning any major stuff!

This 'grass is greener on the other side' thinking has NOTHING to do with being an alcoholic and is just part of the human condition. You can never outgrow it, as such, you just become better at doing the 'next right thing' no matter HOW you are feeling or WHAT your head decides to tell you on any given day That's what will power and strength of character is really.. Yes I know it sounds like a contradiction, but it isn't. Yes we are powerless, but if we are in FIT SPIRITUAL CONDITION, we can choose to develop our will power along any lines we like. 'It is the proper use of the will' as it says in the book. So yes, we can improve our 'will power' muscle, in recovery.