Sober since April 6, 2006


Wednesday, January 17, 2007

it's gettin cold!

So last weekend I was riding on a Harley for the first time in beautiful 70-degree weather (that's about 21 degrees C). Beautiful weather! It's been like that all winter long. But tonight it's supposed to get icy and could possibly snow.

It's funny how things can change so quickly. Not only with the weather, but with my attitudes and outlook.

Some days start out great but end messy because I allow people and circumstances to dictate my emotions. Other days feel great -- regardless of what happens. It all depends on spiritual condition.

The hardest thing for me is learning how to "restart" a bad day. I hear people talk about that in meetings all the time as if it's no big deal. "Who wants to be miserable?" they say. Well ... sometimes I do.

Sometimes I feel entitled to misery: I either deserve to feel bad for something I did wrong, or I have a right to be angry for something someone else did wrong. And in certain conditions, I don't want to let go of it. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to be happy or "restart" my day. Then I get trapped in nonsensical determination to stay miserable.

Why? I really don't get it. Most people have a genuine desire to be happy. I don't understand why I experience times in which I seem to have a genuine desire to be miserable. I dunno if that's because I'm a total freak or what.

The past few weeks have been really hard at work. It's difficult to keep perspective. It's difficult to stay positive in an environment that has dramatically turned negative. That's been the bulk of my difficulties lately.

But I'm glad for this program, and especially for one of my favorite slogans -- "Do the next right thing." Regardless of how I feel, I can always keep doing the next right thing. Whether that means calling my sponsor or another alcoholic, saying a prayer, working on a step, helping out at a meeting, praying for someone who hurt me, whatever. I can do that. It's all I can do. It's keeping me sober so far.

Today, I'm especially grateful for ...

  • being 286 days sober
  • the amazing people in this program. God speaks to me through you
  • my awesome family. They have been patient with me
  • my adorable dog. He just wants to play, and play, and play ...
  • my car -- my dad & brother found out it needs a new spark plug. I was afraid the whole car was gonna be scrapped ...
  • my job, which is teaching me more than job-related skills
  • God, because He always provides a "next right thing" for me to do


BigSkymAAck said...

you keep going girl I still like checking you day count

dAAve said...

Hang in there. It's all about attitude. Sometimes (all of us) have to just fake it til we make it.
I love your last line. Sweet!!

Anonymous said...

You get to feel whatever you want to feel -- that's part of the beauty of remaining clean -- you CAN feel.
So, be miserable of you want to be, but always keep doing the next right thing -- just like you said.
You are growing and I can hear it.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

"Do the next right thing." Regardless of how I feel,

Thats a VERY high practice. you're doing VERY well if you are doing that, so don't worry.
You are NOT a freak for wanting to be miserable sometimes. You're just HUMAN. Dave's right. Its attitude, not 'results' that count. Faking it till you make it is perfectly ok.
Youre just a bit neurotic about your progress, but trust me, you're FINE. After step 9 this will all become a lot easier to understand. Stop worrying about it and concentrate on completing the first nine steps instead