Sober since April 6, 2006


Sunday, January 21, 2007

early adventures in step four

My sponsor had me start working on the 4th step this week. She told me to start by listing all the times that people made me mad or hurt my feelings -- in the typical columnar format presented in the Big Book (their name, what they did, how it affected me) plus the extra column for indicating "my role".

Here's a good tip for anyone starting a 4th step -- I learned this the hard way: I had this bright idea to work on my 4th step during my lunch hour at work. I normally go out to my car over my lunch break, so why not be dedicated and work on my 4th step while I'm out there? Monday went okay. But on Tuesday, man oh man, I got all emotional over one item and didn't want to go back into work! So lesson learned there: no more lunch break 4th step work. Looks like it's best to do this when there is time to chill out afterwards.

Other than that, I'm just having a hard time remembering times that people angered or hurt me. I've always gotten over those things by either blaming myself for causing/contributing or deciding the other person was too sick to realize what they did -- then I'd blame myself for feeling angry or hurt toward a sick person in the first place. That was usually done out of an arrogant victim mentality. I also got over some of them by intentionally blocking them out of memory -- because after only two pages of writing, I'm stumped.

I'm keeping a little notebook with me to jot down anything that comes to mind. They seem to trickle in one at a time during odd moments, like when watching TV at my boyfriend's mom's house after dinner last night. It's not upsetting to remember them -- it's all water under the bridge. But it's strange that I can't remember it all at once.

Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

  • being 290 days sober
  • having a sponsor
  • having stepwork to do
  • having people in the program to talk to
  • a very sweet and generous guy who shares his time with me
  • a family that loves me
  • a dog that lets me cuddle with him when he's sleepy
  • a fixed car that will start in the morning
  • a job to get up for in a few short hours
  • God, because He has all of this mapped out somehow


recoveryroad said...

Y'know? It's been a pleasure following your posting and reading how you're growing. You may not see it, but your readers (this one anyway) have noticed. A privilege.

Step 4 for lunch? Lmao... You lovable loon! Best save it for a time when weeping doesn't draw odd looks.

Have a good day.


stayathomemotherdom said...

Keep plugging along! I had a whole binder of looseleaf paper filled...

dAAve said...

Do your best. That's all you can do.
There will be a time later on to do another 4th step. It will be completely different than the first one.

Anonypus said...

Hi - I'm a first time visitor to your blog!

I love your writing and your attitude!

Anonymous said...

Yes, 4th Step at lunch break doesn't sound so great to me either..but you figured that out for yourself ;)
I started with resentments and holy crap batman, I had a TON! But then, I am probably old enough to be your Mom -- lol! Like dAAve said, do your best and continue to move forward with it. I used a timeline of my life to help me bring back some of those "blocked" memories and it was really, really helpful.
I hear you growing (as always).

Pam said...

Oh that God has it all mapped out somehow....that's such a great way to look at life! Thanks for reminding me of that!

Gwen said...

Fourth step work is so hard but worth every tear shed and every brutal realization.

Best wishes and blessings in this journey.