Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Sunday, December 17, 2006

small reflection

Today, I heard a song that I haven't heard since my last drunk days and earliest sober days. It has caused me to reflect a bit on how things have changed over the past year.

A year ago at this time, I was limited to copying and pasting song lyrics in my blog -- usually because I was too drunk to type. Well with the exception of [this other post], which was written at the beginning of a drunk that I REALLY didn't want to start. I didn't want to drink again. I desperately wanted to stop. But I still drank even before that post was finished.

A year ago, the lights were on but nobody was home. I was emotionally unavailable to the people most important to me. The only thing that mattered was my own pain and NEED to numb it with alcohol. The only thing that kept me alive was my victim mentality and my insistence on blaming everything but myself for my own misery.

The song I heard today was one that I played repeatedly on loop during the last week of December 2005 and the entire months of January through March 2006. (Umm, yeah ... I was really screwed up ... )

By adding my own interpretation to the lyrics, they inspired me to change. I needed to keep hearing the words over and over:

To live and not to breathe
Is to die in tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

I lost my faith to please
This town that don't exist
So I run, I run away
To the light of masochist

And I leave behind
This hurricane of f*cking lies

And I've walked this line
A million and one f*cking tries

But not this time

- Green Day, "Jesus of Suburbia"

I can't say how many times I tearfully white-knuckled it through cravings while hearing those words. It was good to hear them again today.

Today, I'm especially grateful because ...
  • I'm 255 days sober.
  • The mental and emotional hurricane that alcohol created in my life has stopped.
  • I'm no longer walking the line between drunkenness and sanity.
  • I lost my faith to incomprehensible demoralization as a result of repeatedly failing to control my drinking, but now I've found something to believe that keeps me sober.
  • I'm not afraid to have hope.
  • I'm not afraid to fail.
  • I no longer need things to go my way, or to go according to my plans.
  • I no longer need people to behave in a certain way to make me happy.
  • I don't walk alone anymore.
  • God made this happen.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you and blessed to read your blog beyond words.

God bless you :)

Shadow said...

that's wonderful!

dAAve said...

Great.
Thanks.

Trudging said...

All good

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

i'm DEEPLY impressed by how much ground you've covered in such a short space of time. Excellent work! you must have a FABULOUS home group. and lovely post too by the way. i can really relate to your suffering. if it hurts enough, we are willing to do anything. thats why they call it 'the gift of desperation.'

SC Momma said...

Thats awesome! I was in the same spot you were last year... gotta love sobriety!

Christie

Diego said...

"I no longer need people to behave in a certain way to make me happy."
....THANKS FOR THE POST....LOVE YOU.

Meg Moran said...

your gratitude and humility is awesome

Scott W said...

Very inspiring and very well written. We are the lucky ones and cannot forget from whence we came. It is, indeed, a priceless gift.

Mary Christine said...

What a wonderful post. Thank you.

Stuart said...

I, too, have been reflecting on how much can change in only a year - and I congratulate you on staying sober for so long, and you are definately showing just how strong you have always been.

Pam said...

Ahhh "God made this happen" -that rocks !!!

Anonymous said...

We can recover from alcoholism........and Greenday.

SCoUt said...

I know that song, tkd.
My tune was "Sick Cycle Carosel" by Lifehouse. You gotta go check it out.
"If shame had a face, then it would surely be like mine. If it had a home, it would be my eyes."
You are an awesome, gifted, young woman. I continue to hear you growing.
Peace,
Scout

Carly said...

Wow! Hugs of joy to you...

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Wish you a Merry Christmas. Peace and love to you.

Greeting from Malaysia.

Anonymous said...

You and I are evil twins!
(Okay, maybe not 'Evil') but were definitely defined by our disease.
I too, post lyrics of songs and spent last Xmas alone. I wish I had known you then - we could have been a support for each other during our difficult times. I enjoy reading your blog, and please know that I hear you and hey, next week marks a new year. Let's try harder next year, because we CAN do this! Just have faith and look to your sponsor and others. Love you!
Merry Christas. xoxo
hippychickj

Sober Chick said...

You now have an army to fight this, one that knows how to be this Dz one day at a time.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas!

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

hey tkdjunkie have a MC!! It really is just another day, but hope it goes well anyway :)

recoveryroad said...

Merry Xmas! :-)

x