Sober since April 6, 2006


Monday, October 30, 2006

openly and freely

From "Twenty Four Hours a Day", entry for October 30:

"My idea of friendship has changed. Friends are no longer people whom I can use for my own pleasure of profit. Friends are now people who understand me and I them, whom I can help and who can help me to live a better life. I have learned not to hold back and wait for friends to come to me, but to go half way and to be met half way, openly and freely."

When I read that passage this morning, I nearly flipped out. I have ALWAYS waited for "friends" to come to me! I have never made a wholehearted attempt to meet anyone halfway. Whenever I try to meet people halfway, I hold up my guard out of fear of getting hurt, and I retreat far before reaching the halfway point. That is anything BUT "openly and freely" as described above.

Lately, however, I have been letting my guard down while taking steps toward that threatening halfway point. It is as scary as hell every time. It amazes me how much of my social interaction is governed by fear.

A few months ago, if you had asked me why I did not mingle and socialize, I would have said "I'm too busy," "I don't need friends," "I'm socially defective," "I'm not worth knowing anyway," or "I just want to be alone." All of those excuses are lies. But countless times I have found it preferable to convince myself into believing those lies rather than to face my fear.

In recovery, I have been engaging in these old behaviors resulting from my old ideas. I need to get rid of my old ideas. They are holding me back.

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

"Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!

"Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon."

I leave no room for God's protection and care when I insist on protecting and caring for myself. This is why I am supposed to let go absolutely, and relinquish jurisdiction of my life to God with complete abandon. Until I let go of everything -- my old ideas, old behaviors, pride, and fears -- I will never be the person that God wants me to be.

Today, I am especially grateful for ...
  • being 207 days sober
  • experiencing some clarity today
  • my family
  • my dog
  • AA buddies online and off
  • my car
  • my job
  • God, because His patience is stronger than my hardheadedness


Anonymous said...

I'm really proud of you and all you're learning AND applying! Praise God!

Alcoholic Brain said...

Great post. We all need to get out more. Me too.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Excellent! We fool ourselves SO EASILY. Honesty is a very brave fearless skill. I call it the 'ninja' approach, when we resolve to do these things no matter how scary and weird they seem at first. This is why the big book tells us we need to go to ANY LENGTHS to comply with the given instructions, as we need all the resolve we have at our disposal, to work against the destructive habits of a lifetime. One of which is the tendency to isolate behind a wall of rationalizations and excuses, which are all lies, like you say..
Its a utterly fascinating process, when you enter into it fully. It never gets dull or repetitive! I still find it utterly fascinating after all this time. I don't think the 'half measures' approach is nearly so interesting to experience. Unless you find various shades of 'unremitting pain' interesting!

Trudging said...

"I leave no room for God's protection and care when I insist on protecting and caring for myself." Thanks buddy, I needed that!

Sober Chick said...

Growth happens sometiimes slightly or sometimes loudly. Keep it rockin' nevertheless.

Happy Halloween, be safe.

SCoUt said...

You got it, girl! These are some of the things that block us from G-d.
"I leave no room for God's protection and care when I insist on protecting and caring for myself."
You said it all right there.
It's all about making progress -- and you are for sure.
Happy 208!

Anonymous said...


tkdjunkie said...

Llama, Llama, DUCK!

Diego said...