Sober since April 6, 2006


Sunday, October 08, 2006

changes are coming

The leaves are starting to change color for autumn. If you look closely, you can see some leaves have started to turn yellow. But soon, the tree will be FILLED with beautiful yellow, orange, and red leaves:

And I'm changing too -- hopefully for the better. I feel like I've made an enormous amount of emotional/spiritual growth over the past few months. But after getting dumped for not making the amount of progress my boyfriend expected, I feel trivialized, diminished, and emotionally violated. I don't know if that's how I'm supposed to feel or not, but that's how I feel.

And tomorrow, I start the job that I got for the soul purpose of making him happy. I'm struggling not to go into this with a bitter attitude. Jobs are hard to get, so I'm supposed to be grateful to get one.

Maybe I'm just sad because my motives were thwarted. Much like the well-intentioned blog entry that bizarrely resulted in our ultimate breakup, this job was supposed to make him happy. Every time I tried to make him happy, "KABOOM!" Just the opposite happened, and he got mad at me for reasons he refused to explain -- but he made certain I knew that it was all my fault. I really don't understand his reasoning, and he was never willing to explain it.

This constant analysis is all too confusing. How does one make sense of irrationality? It can't be done. But I keep banging my head against the wall trying to make sense of it anyway. I feel like I can't come to peace until I understand WHY he reacted like he did. It's so bizarre ...

Maybe it's just one of the many mysteries that I need to accept by faith, such as "Why does God let bad things happen to good people? Why does God let babies die?" Those kinds of questions can't be answered ... we can only decide to come to peace with not really knowing. I suppose I need to come to peace with never knowing why he behaved like he did.

As far as AA meetings go, I'm a fanatic about not spreading germs (I have a cold), so I didn't go to any meetings this weekend. I think that's why I'm so sad and stuck in my head. I really don't understand how some people can go to meetings only once a week. I need a meeting every day -- sometimes twice a day. Otherwise I feel like absolute crap. How can anyone survive without going to a meeting every day?

Today, I'm grateful for ...

  • being 185 days sober
  • the desperation of needing (not just wanting, but NEEDING) to go to a meeting
  • my nice family
  • the extremely patient people who read my blog without smacking me upside the head
  • kleenex with lotion and vitamin E. My nose is raw!
  • God, because has a purpose in everything that happens


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're having a very tough time. I can't don't know all the facts of what's going on inr your life, but a few things are certain. God has brought you very far from where you were. You've been sober for a very long time, have a job in which it isn't for your boyfriend, but rather God used your boyfriend to get you a job which he'll use to grow you in the picture perfect image of Christ he placed in side your big heart.

Hang in there. I know it's not easy, you probably feel like hiding your head in sand, but I know sooner or later it'll be worth it.

Praying for you.

- Friend of God

Old Lush said...

Start living for God and for you and the rest will follow. I just want you to know how I can identify with the pain, and it is something we have to work through, even though as addicts/alcoholics, we want to flee.

Thinking of you...

Trudging said...

When I cannot go to a meeting I call someone in the program. My sponsor or whoever. It helps

Mary Christine said...

I have never heard of anyone catching anything at an AA meeeting. I think God takes care of us drunks... and we need meetings.

M said...

Hey there!

I am so glad that you are blogging again, I missed you!

You know, I just try to accept that God has a plan so much bigger than I could ever hope to understand, seems pretty basic, but it works for me :)

Good luck with the new job.

dAAve said...

By now, I'm sure you've run all of this past your sponsor and/or some of the people in your support group. They should offer the best insight.
I agree with MC -- get to a meeting and just try not to sneeze on anyone's Big Book.

tkdjunkie said...

Thanks, everybody. You are all so nice! Thank you for giving me some good pointers and encouragement. I will be taking your advice :)