Of Oddness and Flowers

I keep hearing in AA meetings, "the obsession to drink was lifted". That always baffled me when I first started the program, because drinking had been a constant obsession for a very long time.

Just the other day, I was marveling at the fact that I didn't want to drink after getting my feelings hurt in the "Disney Child" incident. Months ago, getting my feelings hurt would have given me the inspiration I needed to hit the liquor store. But drinking never even crossed my mind in this case.

So I got to thinking that maybe the obsession to drink had been lifted for me. But last night, something odd happened.

Just when I was trying to fall asleep last night, a craving hit hard from out of nowhere. I knew that drinking would ruin everything in my life, but within seconds I had convinced myself that everything was already ruined. I didn't want to fight it anymore. I wanted to get lost in that numbing, senseless world again and let the current world and all its troubles slip away. All I could think about was how much I wanted that vodka, and I could even taste it in my mind. I just wanted to escape.

I didn't have the will to fight it. But a memorized passage from page 43 of the Big Book popped into my head:

"The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."

And I remembered that I am powerless over alcohol to the point of insanity, and that only God can help me. So I prayed until I fell asleep. Everything was fine this morning.

There was no reason for this to happen. Yesterday was a good day. I had lots of fun. I was happy. So I don't understand why the craving hit, or more importantly, why I didn't have the will to fight it. That scares me.


In lighter, happier news, my precious mother brought me beautiful flowers and an adorable card! How sweet of her! No offense to anyone out there, but I have the best mom in the world.

Here's a picture of the flowers & card:

Thanks, mom! :)



Today, I'm especially thankful for ...

• being 129 days sober
• having the best mom in the world :)
• the program of AA, and the Big Book
  
• my loving family
• my adorable collie, who helps me to see what unconditional love is like
• my sweet boyfriend
• God, who got me through another craving sober