Sober since April 6, 2006


Monday, August 07, 2006

the desire to escape

It's interesting how life works. I know that I have things to do. I'm just half a person right now, stuck somewhere between being a little kid and being a miserable failure of an adult.

I should be "out there" working a job and being successful so that my parents can be proud when relatives ask, "So what's your daughter up to?" As of now, "She's, uh, thinking about going to school ... maybe ... sort of ..." They could just say "She can't handle life and spends all her time at AA meetings," but the truth sounds too ugly to speak sometimes.

I feel stupid.

I'm so sick of working menial jobs in retail, where I'm always treated like everyone's pissing target. I can't handle the abuse anymore. Nobody will hire me for a "real job", because my 4-year degree doesn't mean jack shit since I don't have ten years "related experience". So screw that idea. (If I was God, rude hiring managers would have a special place in hell.)

Nothing is possible. It's all an idealistic mirage. It doesn't matter how hard you work. Success only happens for people who have it handed to them. It either falls from the sky and into your lap, or it doesn't. You either HAVE, or you have NOT.

Waaa. So I'll cry a few rivers and throw a fit. Nothing will ever change.

I have to change me. And that's scary. I'd rather escape.


dAAve said...

A career bottom?
We experienced an alcoholic bottom, took the proper action and stopped drinking.
The same principles can apply for a career. Take the proper action and see what happens. All I know is that no action = no results. And rarely does it happen in our timeframe.

Heather said...

Guess what girlfriend? Welcome..........LOL

What you are feeling right now is exactly the way you are suppose to feel. Don't you hate it when people say that? I know I do.......LOL

Seriously, I went through the same exact thing early on and it will get better. All we have to do is work our asses off changing ourselves, that's when these life things start to change, when we do.



simsample said...

The best jobs are always those where the employer can see you for what you can offer, not for how many years' experience you have. Keep looking and I'm sure you'll find the right job with people who recognise your qualities- I did in the end! This blog is proof that you can learn anything and achieve whatever you set your mind to. Keep it up Allie!

Alcoholic Brain said...

Give yourself a break. Keep writing, it helps. I started a political blog years ago, and I rant there. A question that I ask myself daily that really helps me is this simple one. "Who did I help today?"