Sober since April 6, 2006


Thursday, April 06, 2006

Powerlessness & Unmanageability

The first time I decided to get sober, it was to make my then-boyfriend happy. That wasn't such a good idea. As soon as we broke up, I drank again and terribly upset my mom.

So then I decided to get sober to make HER happy. Also, in the back of my mind, I hoped that if I got sober, my boyfriend would want me back. That was also a dumb idea.

The cravings had only gotten worse over the past two weeks. I was getting desperate. I wanted to validate my right to drink by placing the blame on my ex -- that I wanted to drink because "he hurt me".

With that excuse yesterday, I got a bottle of vodka, got drunk, behaved like a complete idiot and unintentionally verbally/emotionally hurt people I cared about, humiliated myself, blacked out, got a knife, and slashed up and down my arms until I passed out.

Well that was a fantastic way of handling things, wasn't it? But that's exactly what I did, and it reflects the insanity of this disease.

As a result of this episode, I have learned:

1) Unless I choose sobriety as a gift to MYSELF, for MYSELF, and of MY CHOICE -- I will never stay sober. Sobriety can't happen unless YOU are desperate enough to "go to any lengths" for it.

2) Unless I come to peace with my resentments, I will ALWAYS be tempted to drink.

3) There is no such thing as "drinking because of" someone or something. I drank because I wanted to. Nobody held a gun to my head. It was my CHOICE, and *I* made it.

4) Drinking didn't solve the problem. It didn't make me feel better. It made everything 100 times worse. When you feel that "Oh my Gawwwwwd I need to DRINK!" feeling, it means you are certifiably INSANE and should be locked up in a padded room for your protection (and the emotional protection of those who care about you).

5) Self mutilation is a pathetic form of emotional attempted suicide. You're not going to die; you're not going to correct past wrongs. You're just going to wake up covered in blood wondering why you were so STUPID to do that to yourself. It hurts like hell and the scars will last for years. And WHAT did you accomplish? Nothing? Thought so.

6) Most importantly, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of EVERYTHING. I'm sick of my life, of being out-of-control, of constantly craving something I can't have, of hurting myself and everyone around me. If I can't stop drinking, I need to die. It would be better to die than to continue living in this insanity, ruining my life and the lives of those I love.

I think "Step 1" is slapping me upside the head at the moment. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." If this isn't the PICTURE of powerlessness, unmanageability, and downright insanity, I don't know what is.

This is all very humiliating and I didn't want to share it. But if it helps someone stay sober another day, it's worth sharing.


servant said...

A pastor I heard once said something to the effect of "God allows pressures in our life to put the squezze on us to see what will come out. LIke in a toothpaste tube, you don't know what good stuff or yucky stuff is in the tube until a little controlled pressure is applied". This drinking habit that has been developed in your life isn't something you want to do and it is NOT the main problem, but instead is an outlet for various emotions you've "stuffed" inside of you for yours now. The stuffing of emotions is poison to the soul that mixed with satan's very slick lies causes undesireable behavior.

Perhaps you were not taught how to deal with these emotions properly, and thus turned to the bottle, or from your perspective you see no other choice driving you to the bottle as relief, when thankfully in reality there are better choices. So let's go on to indentifying the underlying reasons you're drinking.

From what I can tell in your blogs, you have hidden resentment towards different people for different reasons. For instance you put a blog up about your mom and your perception of her "not letting you make decisions". and in the same breathe citing reasons for you not being able to move to where your ex-boyfriend lives because you have a severly retarded sister you "must" take care of.

Then in this past blog you mentioned that your motivation for stopping drinking was your ex-boyfriend, and mom.

Have you confronted the various persons in your life about the various feelings you have for or against them? For instance it's obvious that you love your mom, but it's okay to tell her that you feel "smothered". Sometimes our feelings aren't accurate of a situation, but either way they need to be addressed so that eventually our feelings will align with the truth of God in reality. Thus we become more mature in Him and feel empowered NOT rundown and worthless which you seem to feel about yourself.

If the underlying issues, the underlying motivations in yoru life that are the root causes/problems driving you to undesirable habits such as drinking alcohol are not dealt with, than all AA meetings in the world won't help because instead of addressing the main disease/main problem you're simply addressing the multi-symptoms.

Blessed Child of the Lord, please forgive those who hurt you becuase "they know not what they do". Ask God to forgive them through you and to help you forgive them. You can't change them, and they can't change you, but God can change you both to align with his perfect plan.

God has to forgive, live, work, eat, excercise, laugh etc. through you lest we ignore John 15:5 "I am the vine you are the branches without me you can do nothing".

For God to do it through you, a sense of "TKDjunkie can't live this life has to take place and be exchange with only God can live this his life through me".

Please pray about addressing the underlying issues. Ask God to show you what those issues are, pray and ask God to help you work THROUGH the issues with him and Godly people who encourage you in Christ. Ask God to help you replace each bad habit with a good habit. e.g. instead of cursing people who make you made in your heart, pray for your enemies so that God may change them for his kingdom.

You are a compassionate woman and Satan aims to make you resentful and bitter so that your life will be ineffective for God's work. God wants to use your life to magnify his name, and Satan will pull out all the tricks and stops to prevent that desire of God from coming to fruitiion.

You have an active role to play TKDJunkie. The choice has always been yours. Please choose to handle these issues God's way. It'll be very tough, but in the long run YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT, BUT BE VERY HAPPY AND BLESSED.

Stuart said...

Actually, with regards to part 5 in your entry, it *did* accomplish something - it "woke you up" that it was wrong and no matter how much you might hate yourself it doesn't achieve anything when you try to inflict pain on your body. It's just a call for help, that's it. No more no less.

You also accomplished the writing of the list, which in itself is important. Nothing is ever totally useless or without meaning Allie - there are always undercurrents, things in our subconcious telling us why we do something. Perhaps God sent you a wakeup call, who knows?

Your last paragraph should read... "If it helps *me* keep sober another day...". You are doing this for yourself, right? Not for others? I've told you that if you *do* do it for others that it wont work and you'll revert back to your old ways. Sometimes it just takes a shock for us to actually trust and believe in that advice.

It may be a long road, but at the end of it you'll feel like a much better person and much more in control of yourself and where you are going - *without* others telling you what to do all the time. Take life for what it is - beauty and peace; the pain and suffering are overlaid on that, and can be conquered. If you are true to your heart and mind, then you can do anything you set your mind to. I always believed that, never doubted it for a second. The act of *trying* is definately something to be proud of.

I hope your arms heal up and get better. Look back on this entry of yours as a turning point - a realisation, if you will, that things must get better.