Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Observations on Step 3

1) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives have become unmanageable.

2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Okay, I think I'm done with steps 1 and 2 now. They seem so simple -- like they should be completed automatically. It's harder than it seems though.

Now it's time to proceed to step 3:

3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.


Oooh -- turning our will and our lives over to God. There are few things more terrifying than letting go of EVERYTHING important to us.

Me? I like to control things. Here's a good example: I love playing a video game called The Sims 2. In that game, you control simulated people (called "sims") as they live their daily lives. They have a variety of needs that must be fulfilled to stay alive -- and they also have aspirational wants that must be fulfilled to keep them happy. You control what sims eat, how they dress, when they shower, which characters they become friends with, etc. You control whether they live happy lives, or if they die in misery. The game has this built-in function called "Free Will". If you give your sims Free Will, they will try their best to fulfill their own needs. But sometimes, they really suck at it.

I once had a sim who had so much fun playing the piano that he forgot to go to the bathroom, so he literally wet his pants. I've also had sims who got so hungry, they wouldn't stop ranting and raving "Can't you see I'm hungry over here?" that they literally starved to death in front of the refrigerator. As you can see, sims aren't exactly the epitome of intelligence.

Neither am I.

God gave me Free Will, and I know what my needs are. But sometimes I get so distracted pursuing other things that I ignore my needs. Sometimes, just like the hungry sim in front of the refrigerator, I simply complain about my needs until the situation reaches critical mass and implodes on itself.

Perhaps if I was thinking more about God, and less about myself, the decisions I make for myself wouldn't be so ... stupid.

Obviously my decisions haven't been exactly stellar. I kept picking up bottles of vodka over the past two years and drinking myself into blackouts -- even though I knew I needed to stop. I'm an unemployed college graduate (graduated with honors for goodness sake) who has not been able to get "a real job" since graduating 15 months ago. Worst of all, I caused someone I love to stop loving me. Leaving myself in charge of my life has resulted in a miserable existance.

Let's go back in time: if I hired a personal manager two years ago, and his decisions put me where I find myself today, I'd fire him.

But the thing is, it wasn't a "personal manager's" decisions that put me here today. My own decisions put me here. I'd fire someone else for it. Am I willing to fire myself and put God in charge?

1 comment:

An Alcoholic: Anonymous said...

The Big Book says, "Half measures availed us nothing"
It doesn't say half measures availed us half.