Sober since April 6, 2006

That's
days

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Grace and Dignity?

It was brought up in an AA meeting today, that it takes many months and even years before we regain a sense of "who we are". The first several months of sobriety are like having amnesia. They also said the people with only a few months of sobriety are the most at risk for relapse. It's difficult (if not impossible) for an alcoholic to handle stress without drinking when they have no sense of who they are, and no sense of pride or self esteem. (As proven by yours truly. Yippee. I got to learn the hard way.)

One girl told about how when she was 30 days sober, she really wanted to get out of a relationship, but someone had advised her to wait a few more months. The advisor said that as an active alcoholic, we lose our sense of grace and dignity, and that it takes many months and years to gain a sense of it back. (Of course you lose your sense of grace and dignity when you repeat the cycle of "drink > get sick > swear to never drink again > drink > get sick > swear to never drink again > drink > get sick > swear to never drink again > drink > ... " for years. You lose confidence in yourself as that cycle wears on.) So the advice was to wait, that breaking up immediately would most likely result in relapse or an embarassing or distateful "breakup".

Well, the girl didn't take that advice. Ready to end the relationship and confident in her 30 days of sobriety, she was fortunate to end it without relapse, but the actual breakup itself turned out quite nasty due to her own immature behavior. At that time, she had no sense of grace or dignity, so she handled herself with neither. And when she looked back on it months later, she was humiliated of the way she handled herself. She wished that she had waited to break up, so that she could have left the relationship with some grace and dignity on her part.

I feel much the same way now. I know what grace and dignity are, and I know that I don't have them. So months from now, when I start to regain a sense of esteem, will I look back on MY recent breakup in embarassment? While breaking up, we offered to "be friends" and he says he wants to help me through this, which is very sweet. But I've already relapsed, and I have no idea how to prevent further humiliation. I have no dignity right now. I want some.

Now that the breakup is over and done with, but we're still "friends", I wish I knew what to do to scrounge up some dignity and grace somewhere. On one hand, I just want to get in my car, find a cave somewhere, and hide away there until I get better. On the other hand, I know I shouldn't run away ... but it's just so confusing right now.

4 comments:

Richard said...

Hey Bright Spot. Come join us. Its fun gaining understanding http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/bigbookmeeting/

tkdjunkie said...

Awesome -- thanks Richard.

Richard said...

You deserve the best.The cycle starts with message #7289 You can sign up for dailey e-mails .You can read a page a day.Or more it you go to the site.Its one of the better studys.Your faith will get you thru.But you got to get the false beliefs out of your head.That is what causes our troubles ya know,false beliefs.Truth sets you free.See Ya

Victoria said...

Dear Sweet Allie.... You desire "grace and dignity"? Do you remember how the movie 'Wizard of Oz' ended? The good fairyinformed Dorothy that she always had the power to go home. It was an ability deep within her that was never lost. "Click your heels together 3 times and say I want to go home" was all she had to do! Just between you and me, if that air head fairy was so good, then why didn't she tell Dorothy that in the first place instead of sending her skipping off on a long, arduous trip wearing magical ruby slippers that DID NOT protect her, as promised, from that mean old wicked witch just in order to find a wizard who turned out to be nothing but a ........ hey, I'm getting sidetracked here!

Sweetie..... You already HAVE grace and dignity. It is a huge part of who you are, what you are made of. You haven't sat, like I have innumerable times, in auditoriums watching you on stage, in the spotlight, performing with the most amazing talents and skill, your martial art. Sometimes you were taking huge 230 pound men down in the blink of an eye. You were too busy and focused to hear the gasps from the audiences. You were not watching from the stands as you were performing in all your tournaments. You were not sitting within a crowd of strangers who did nothing but compliment you and stood with ovations when you completed your TKD performances. I was there and I saw, I heard in stereo, perfect strangers who were in awe of you. You brought me to tears with pride so many times, that all I could do was to sit and cry with the beauty, dignity and grace you demonstrated. I was sitting all by myself in the stands, crying tears of gratitude for WHO YOU ARE...... not what you did.

Now, I already knew who you were before the TKD experience. You have always, from the day you were born, been a precious, beautiful little sparkle of light that brought smiles and laughter from all around you. It is as if you have had an invisible crown of grace and dignity on your head from day one. You have absolutely no idea of how many lives you have blessed and enriched. I do. I have been watching as you do for others, give to others whatever they need. I am not the only one who has benefitted by your unlimited generosity of kindness and loving spirit.

Allie, this alchohol has made you completely forget who you ARE. You have in mind that someday you need to acquire grace and dignity. Alchohol has hypnotized you, Sweetie. It has blinded you to your real self, whole and perfect as God's own precious child. He has already given you these things you believe you lack. You are ashamed for what you have done to yourself, but never forget that that is not who you are. Our mistakes do not define us. They just make us humans who goof up every now and then. We learn and grow as we go along. Most of the time we only skin our knees. But, with the alchohol, it has altered your THINKING. It has changed your perspective on who you are.

I am praying that God will open your eyes, reveal to you who you really are as His beloved child. Allison, you are not lacking in any area other than knowledge of who God is and who you are in Him. The next time you want to recriminate yourself, instead look upward to God and acknowledge Him as your heavenly Father. Worship Him and then claim your perfection in Him as His beloved child. You were made in the image and likeness of God. Alchohol cannot change that. It is time for you to forgive yourself as He forgives. Let Him pick you up and carry you, heal your mind, body and spirit.

Grace and dignity? That is who you are, my dear. Not something to attempt to acquire.

I love you, my precious little daughter. Mommy ~