Sober since April 6, 2006


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

at some of these, we balked ...

From page 58 in the Big Book, in reference to working the 12 Steps:

"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not."

Balk. Like a terrified chicken. "BAWK!" (At least, that's how we characterize it in my home group ...)

I balked from going to a new meeting today. I drove for 35 minutes on beautiful country roads to attend this meeting, but I chickened out. I had been looking forward to attending this meeting for a week.

I'm always nervous to go somewhere new. And I'm always subconsciously looking for reasons NOT to go.

The drive was long. My radio sucks. So I drove in silence.

I don't know about anyone else, but whenever I have too much time alone without other things to compete for my attention, I get caught up in my head. I quickly found a million reasons not to go to the meeting.

Little subconscious worries suddenly blew up into huge fears, ranging from the absurd to the legit. My biggest worries concern things that have not happened yet -- things that only have a 0.0000001% chance of happening, but only if hell freezes over first. Regardless of probability, each worry beckons the insatiable question: "Oh no! What am I going to do about THAT???"

Then all of the insecurities that I ordinarily push out of the way popped up into the spotlight. Little things that embarrassed me lately replayed over and over. My self-confidence shriveled away and I felt like a complete and total idiot.

By the end of that 35-minute drive, I was tired, lonely, stressed, and feeling stupid. I didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want to be around other people either.

By the time I finally got to the meeting place, I turned around and went home. It felt like the easier softer way -- at the time.


I felt stupid for driving all the way out there just to turn around. This isn't the first time this has happened ... I'm supposed to learn from past mistakes, right?

Oh well -- it's just another lesson that whenever a decision needs to be made, the easier softer way can sometimes appear to be the most difficult way.


Namenlosen Trinker said...

Boy, do I know that "BAWK!" feeling. It took me years to get past it. But I went to the meetings anyway and it would probably be good if you did to. "Bring the body and the mind will follow." To which I add, get the mind there and the heart will follow too.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Cool pic.
Yeah. Been there. Done that.
We aren't cured you know. We can ALL be full of HORSE SHIT from time to time. Its no big deal, Just part of the human condition really.

sober Chick said...

I love this pic and more so your post. OMG you are sooo not alone in this. I have been there too, I think my mind defaults to sabotage (like I need to do this or that when I should be sitting in a chair in the meeting). It will out-think my actions. It is something that we must keep working at, and with time we can over come it.

It is so scary to be in a new meeting, sure, but once we get there WOW! But individually we need to walk thru this and experience it. You are not alone in this, we balked, heck ya, more than once, more than twice. Thank you for your honesty.

Motorcycle Mike - Sober Biker said...

I too know the feeling.. I have BAWKED at meetings all over the US and Canada. Now I regret it. I regret the one I missed in Timmins, Ontario, the one I missed in Valencia, California, the one I missed in Ludlow, Vermont, etc etc.

But I also remember fondly the ones in dozens of other towns. So take a chance, let your HP work.

Just my experience. Thanks for sharing.

recoveryroad said...

"I'm always nervous to go somewhere new. And I'm always subconsciously looking for reasons NOT to go."

Yup. Me too.

And when I was drunk you couldn't get rid of me!

simsample said...

I know that feeling! Love the picture TKD- you're doing great!

johno said...

thanks for the pic BAWK :D yeh, i learn lots by not doing what seems like the right thing, at the time, nothing is wasted

molly said...

I turned around 3 times recently on the way to a meeting.. I hoped for traffic, no parking place, being late - ANY excuse not to make it. And I didn't even know why?!! I felt stupid too. I did make the meeting and was glad for it but I completely understand what you are saying. I call myself STUPID all the time.. why do we have to be soo freakin hard ourselves??? When the truth is, we are probably actually guite SMART! Sometimes we just don't know how to communicate verbally and we may FEEL stupid but that isn't reality!! Take care :)

JJ said...

Sorry I haven't been by in a long time....maybe I'm bawking......hehe.

indistinct said...

Great post. Made me snort out load. You were describing me!

Thanks for sharing that!