Sober since April 6, 2006


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

My Chameleon Soul

What do you want to see in me? Tell me, and I'll put it there for you.
Are you looking for success? I'll become successful for you.
Are you looking for intelligence? I'll learn new things for you.
Are you looking for a sense of humor? What kind? I'll add that too.
Are you looking for self-confidence? I can fake some for you.
Are you looking for stability? Okay, I'll hide my feelings inside then.

What do you want to see in me? Who do you want me to be?
What -- you want me to be myself?
Surely not! You wouldn't like what there is to see.
Nobody's ever accepted me as I am, so I've learned to change.
I become all things to all people, so that they might like what they see.
And now all that's left is a chameleon soul, ever changing, ever blending -- but never me.

So here I am, once again re-arranging my life to meet a guy's expectations. I've never been good enough to meet any guy's expectations. There's always some condition held over my head -- if only I was smarter, prettier, funnier, more athletic, more confident, more independent, more ambitious, etc. I'm always lacking some random vital quality that ruins the relationship, and it's different with every guy.

As hard as I try, I can't be all things to all people. I just can't. But I still try anyway.

Are all relationships based on conforming yourself to meet the other's expectations? Is it ever possible to be loved and accepted by simply being yourself?

I'm really confused ... feeling rejected, lonely, and sad.


Anonymous said...

Would you be the light of Consciousness that shines in every mind?:-) see Ya

Trudging said...

Recovery has allowed me to be myself.

Aubrew said...

You're good enough,
You're smart enough,
and gosh darnit! People like you!

You are who you are and that's pretty cool. You just can't see it from inside your own head.

Mark W. said...

Wow - thanks for the topic! I can identify... :-)

Page 100;

"When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselve's in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned."

I'll no doubt always have to work at trusting that His plan is for my benefit not for evil, because He loves me. AND - I'll also no doubt be forced to continually work to not be the one who makes all the final decisions for myself.

I do my best to trust Him with my relationships (of which there have been few lol) and I've learned that He creates miracles and He also removes them. But, that's just my experience.

There isn't any alcohol on my breath today! That's the deal...

Hang in there - until you can let go.

SCoUt said...

It is possible to be loved just for being you -- but it starts by you loving you. I always thought that was a stupid saying until it got from my head to my heart.
Just focus on getting to know YOU right now. Be honest and you won't be a chameleon any more. (Btw, my gf has one tatooed on her leg. We are ALL chameleons of some sort in our addictions, sweet girl.)
Hang in and love youself,

tkdjunkie said...

Thank you very much for your comments, everyone. Sometimes, this stuff is just plain hard.

It's easy when you can drink it away. But geez. When you can't drink it away, it feels impossible.

Like someone said in a meeting today, "I don't have a problem with alcohol -- I have a problem with sobriety."

Sooner or later, it's no longer about the drink -- it's about how to live without it.

Anonymous said...

This girl was having some problems concerning sex and relationships.She asked her sponcer if she could maybe talk with her about some of her concerns.Her sponcer told her to go home and read page 69 in the Big Book.The young lady after running a few errands made it home and got her Big Book out.She thought to herself" now what page did she tell me to read ?". "Page 96 thats it, page 96....................................................................Now go get your Big Book and read the top part of page 96.