Sober since April 6, 2006


Saturday, May 06, 2006

Some days ...

Feeling restless, irritable, and discontent today. So tempted to throw my hands up and walk away from everything. I don't want to drink. I just want to get away.

Been sober for 30 days straight. Again. Everybody congratulated me when I picked up my 30-day medallion at AA this morning. But it feels so unsettling for some reason. If I hadn't relapsed, I'd be celebrating four months of sobriety instead of one. I hate these stupid "anniversaries".

Just feel angry at myself for relapsing over something so trivial and stupid. "OMG my boyfriend left me and I wanna dieeee!" "I've lost my best friends booo hoooooo!" "I feel so lonely ONOZ!" Whatever. Emotions are stupid. Feelings are stupid. Life is stupid.

Whenever you're happy, sadness of equal intensity will follow. And vice versa. So if you just don't allow yourself to get happy over anything, then you'll never be disappointed when it all comes crashing down on you. Because in the end, it all comes crashing down. Always.

Nothing good ever lasts. So you can either enjoy it while you have it, then get devastated when it's over ... or you can refuse to acknowledge it, and never notice when it's over.

The choice is always the same: dare to be happy, or "play it safe". I'm tired of making that choice ... I want to run away and hide.


William said...

Hi Allison,

I can so empathize today. On the parkway today, the riding was enjoyable, but i wavered in between not wanting to enjoy it too much because of the fear that i'd swing in the other direction. So instead i tried to embrace the very even keeled sustained mellow enjoyment levels i got from riding today.

Take a look at the picture i posted for something inspiring.

On a funny note, when i got to the B&B i'm staying at tonight, the first thing the lady showed me was where the wine and beer was kept and that i should help myself to it :) I didn't tell her that i was an alcoholic who would empty her entire stock if i had one. :)

- William

tkdjunkie said...

Thanks for the story, William! And that picture is amazing. I'm glad that you're out enjoying the scenery.